MR.  BOBBET    TELLS  NEWS. 


MY    OPINIONS 


AND 


BETSEY  BOBBET'S. 


DESIGNED  AS 

A    BEACON    LIOHT, 

TO  GUIDE  WOMEN  TO  LIFE  LIBERTY  AND  THE  PURSUIT  OF  HAPPINESS, 

BUT   WHICH  MAY  BE  READ  BY 

MEMBERS    OF    THE     STERNER    SECT, 

WITHOUT  INJURY  TO  THEMSELVES 

OR  THE  BOOK. 


BY 

JOSIAH    ALLEN'S    WIFE. 


Who  will  read  the  Book,  Samantha^  when  it  is  rote  ? 


PUBLISHED  BY  SUBSCRIPTION  ONLY, 


HARTFORD,  CONN. : 

AMERICAN   PUBLISHING  COMPANY. 
1878. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1872,  by  the 

AMERICAN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY, 
In  the  office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


ps 


ft  A  i 


is 

To  my  ow&  Lawful  Pardaer, 

JOSIAH, 

mom  (although  X  have  teen  hit  Ceamt 
for  a  little  upwards  of  14  years> 


OAST-IBON    DEVOTEDNESS. 


9S9620 


PREFACE. 

Which  is  to  be  read,  if  it  haint  askin'  too  much  of 
the  kind  hearted  reader. 

In  the  first  days  of  onr  married  life,  I  strained 
nearly  every  nerve  to  help  my  companion  Josiali  along 
and  take  care  of  his  children  by  his  former  consort, 
the  subject  of  black  African  slavery  also  wearin'  on 
me,  and  a  mortgage  of  200  and  50  dollars  on  the  farm. 
But  as  we  prospered  and  the  mortgage  was  cleared, 
and  the  children  were  off  to  school,  the  black  African 
also  bein'  liberated  about  the  same  time  of  the  mort 
gage,  then  my  mind  bein'  free  from  these  cares — the. 
great  subject  of  Wimmen's  Rites  kept  a  goarin'  me, 
and  a  voice  kept  a  say  in'  inside  of  me, 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  write  a  book  givin'  your 
views  on  the  great  subject  of  Wimmen's  Rites."  But 
I  hung  back  in  spirit  from  the  idea  and  says  I,  to  my 
self,  I  never  went  to  school  much  and  don't  know 
nothin'  about  grammer,  and  I  never  could  spell  worth 
a  cent." 

But  still  that  deep  voice  kept  a  'swaiden  me— 
"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  write  a  book." 

Says  I,  "  I  cant  write  a  book,  I  don't  know  no  under 
ground  dungeons,  I  haint  acquainted  with  no  haunted 
houses,  I  never  see  a  hero  suspended  over  a  abyss  by 


VI  PREFACE. 

his  gallusses,  I  never  beheld  a  heroine  swoon  away,  I 
never  see  a  Injun  tommy  hawked,  nor  a  ghost ;  I 
never  had  any  of  these  advantages;  I  cant  write  a 
book." 

But  still  it  kept  a  sayin'  inside  of  my  mind,  "Josiah 
Allen's  wife  write  a  book  about  your  life,  as  it  passes 
in  front  of  you  and  Josiah,  daily,  and  your  views  on 
Wimmen's  Kite's.  The  great  publick  wheel  is  a  roll- 
in'  on  slowly,  drawin'  the  Femail  Race  into  liberty  ; 
Josiah  Allen's  wife,  put  your  shoulder  blades  to  the 
wheel." 

And  so  that  almost  hauntin'  voice  inside  of  me 
kept  a  'swaidin  me,  and  finally  I  spoke  out  in  a  loud 
clear  voice  and  answered  it — 

"  I  will  put  my  shoulder  blades  to  the  wheel  ? " 
I  well  remember  the  time   I  said  it,  for  it  skairt 
Josiah  almost  to  death.     It  was  night  and  we  was  both 
settin'  by  the  fire  relapsted  into  silence'  and  he — not 
knowin  the  conversation  goin'  on  inside  of  my  mind, 
thought  I  was  crazy,  and  jumped  up  as  if  he  was  shot, 
and  says  he,  in  tremblin'  tones, 
"  What  is  the  matter  Samantha  ? " 
Says  I,  "  Josiah  I  am  goin'  to  write  a  book." 
This  skairt  him  worse  than  ever — I  could  see,  by 
his  ghastly  countenance — and  he  started  oft'  on  the 
run  for  the  camfire  bottle. 

Says  I,  in  firm  but  gentle  axcents,  "  camfire  cant 
stop  me  Josiah,  the  book  will  be  wrote." 

He  see  by  my  pale  but  calm  countenance,  that  I 
was  not  delirious  any,  and  (by  experience)  he  knows 
that  when  my  mind  is  made  up,  I  have  got  a  firm  and 
almost  cast  iron  resolution.  He  said  no  more,  but  he 


PBEFACE.  V 

sot  clown  and  sithed  hevilj ;  finally  lie  spoke  out  in  a 
despairin'  tone,  he  is  pretty  close  (but  honest), 

"  Who  will  read  the  book  Samantha  ?  Remember 
if  you  write  it  you  have  got  to  stand  the  brunt  of  it 
yourself — I  haint  no  money  to  hire  folks  with  to  read 
it."  And  again  he  sithed  two  or  three  times.  And 
he  hadn't  much  more  than  got  through  sithein'  when 
he  asked  me  again  in  a  tone  of  almost  agony— 

"  Who  will  read  the  book  Samantha  after  you  write 
it?' 

The  same  question  was  fillin'  me  with  agonizin' 
apprehension,  but  I  concealed  it  and  answered  with 
almost  marble  calm, 

"  I  don't  know  Josiah,  but  I  am  determined  to  put 
my  shoulder  blades  to  the  wheel  and  write  it." 

Josiah  didn't  say  no  more  then,  but  it  wore  on  him 
— for  that  night  in  the  ded  of  night  he  spoke  out  in 
his  sleep  in  a  kind  of  a  wild  way, 

"  Who  will  read  the  book  ?  " 

I  hunched  him  with  my  elbo'  to  wake  him  up,  and 
he  muttered — "  I  wont  pay  out  one  cent  of  my  money 
to  hire  any  body  to  read  it." 

I  pitied  him,  for  I  was  afraid  it  would  end  in  the 
Night  Mair,  and  I  waked  him  up,  and  promised  him 
then  and  there,  that  I  never  would  ask  him  to  pay 
out  one  cent  to  hire  any  body  to  read  it.  He  has  per 
fect  confidence  in  me  and  he  brightened  up  and  haint 
never  said  a  word  sense  against  the  idea,  and  that  is 
the  way  this  book  come  to  be  wrote. 


WHAT  IS  IN  THE  BOOK. 


MARRIED  TO  JOSIAH  ALLEN. 

Lirin*  up  to  one  Idee — Love  at  First  Sight — A  Marriage  of  LOT* 
— Why  did  I  Love  Josiah  ? — A  Becon  that  has  never  gon« 
out — Men  can't  stand  Flattery — My  Present  feelin's  towards 
Josiah — Objections  to  Widowers — Comparin'  Wives — Josiah 
not  encouraged  in  it — Rule  for  Domestic  Happiness 17 — 20 

JOSIAH  AND  THE  CHILDREN. 

A  hard  row  for  Step-Mothers — Thomas  Jefferson  and  Tirzah  Ann — 
Thomas  J.  on  Foreordination — Tirzah  Ann's  sentiments — A 
Hefty  Angel — Makin'  excuses  at  table — How  to  make  Bad 
Cake  taste  good — Our  Farm  on  the  Canal — Plenty  of  Garden 
Sass— 4  Tons  to  the  acre 21—25 

AN  UNMARRIED  FEMALE. 

Betsey  Bobbet  introduced — While  there  is  Life  there  is  Hope  of 
getting  married  —  Betsey's  personal  appearance  —  Betsey's 
Opinions  and  Views  of  a  Woman's  Speah — Betsey  writes  Poe 
try — A  Specimen  of  it — Owed  to  Josiah — Josiah  makes  a 
Confession  and  gets  Rebuked — Betsey  Bobbet  visits  me  unex 
pectedly — Gushin's  of  a  Tendeh  Soul — The  Editah  with 
Twins— Weddin'  Affinities 26—37 

HAVIN'  MY  PICTURE  TOOK. 

Down  to  Jonesville — In  Mr.  Gansey's  Aunty  Room — Preparin'  for 
a  Picture — The  Editer  of  the  Augur — Daughters  of  Bachus 
and  Venus — Haunts  of  the  Graces  — "  Logical  Reveries  " — A 
Poem— My  Picture  Took 38—45 

OUR  SURPRISE  PARTIES. 

My  opinions  of  Surprises — I  am  persuaded  to  go — A  Surprise  Party 
Surprised — Not  wanted  just  then — An  Upset  in  the  snow — A 
Peaceful  Evening  at  home — Josiah  and  I  enjoying  ourselves 
Doctorin' — Our  Happiness  interrupted — Surprised  by  a  Party 
of  50 — Fearful  excitement  of  Josiah — The  Enemy  retire — 
The  Editer  surprised — Betsey  writes  a  Poem  upon  it 46 — 57 


X  WHAT   IS    IN    THE    BOOK. 

A  DAY  OF  TROUBLES. 

Sugerin'  Time — Woman's  work — Man's  work — The  Editer  brings 
his  Twins — There  first  doin's— The  trouble  begins — Betsey 
Bobbet  arrives — I  think  of  John  Rogers  and  have  Patience — 
Betsey  and  the  twins — A  Soothin'  Poultice— A  Argument 
with  Betsey — I  Preach  and  Practice — Betsey  asks  Advice  and 
gets  It — Betsey  reads  a  Poem — She  gets  more  of  my  Opinions 
— Return  of  the  Editer — Concludes  to  stay  to  Dinner — Sees 
Betsey  and  changes  his  mind — Grand  Tableaux  by  the  whole 
company 58— «'»s 

THE  MINISTER'S  BEDQULT. 

Thomas  J.  believes  in  water  for  the  Baptists — Reasons  for  goin'  to 
Quiltin's — The  Baptist  Quiltin'  Party — We  dispose  of  all  ojir 
neighbors  not  present — Miss  Dobbin,  a  peacemaker — The 
Minister's  wife  discussed — Betsey  Bobbet  arrives — She  labors 
under  great  excitement  and  overwhelms  the  party  with  her 
mysterious  words — Astounding  disclosures — Thomas  J's  story 
to  Betsey — The  story  discussed — Handsome  Ministers — 
Wimmen  flingin'  stuns — The  Minister  arrives — The  mystery 
solved 69 — 84 

A  ALLEGORY  ON  WIMMEN'S  RIGHTS. 

A  Wimmen's  Rights  Meetin' — A  Wimmen's  Rights  man — Idiots, 
Lunatics  and  Wimmen — The  Woman  sheep-stealer — Wimmen 
have  a  right  to  go  to  Prison  and  be  Hung — Wimmen  in 
Court — The  right  to  go  to  the  Hop  and  Cistern  Poles — An 
and  Wimmen's  Rights  man — Hired  Husbands — Marriage  and 
Slavery — True  Marriages — Happy  Homes  and  Children — A 
Angel  calling  for  Fire  Wood 85—98 

AN  AXIDENT. 

Bothered  by  Hens— A  model  Pup  Dog — A  Fall — Very  sick  a-bed — 
"That's  what's  the  matter"-- \Vliat  makes  Angels — Too  much  of 
a  thing — Josiah  being  cheerful — I  use  Strategim — Betsey 
visits  me  and  brings  her  Bed-Quilt — Come  to  spend  the  day — 
All  the  Family  comin' — Keepiu'  me  quiet  and  Chirkin'  me 
up — She  flies  in.  terror  from  my  wrath — Blasted  Hopes. .  99 — 111 


WHAT  IS   IN  THE   BOOK.  XI 

THE  JONESVILLE  SINGIN'  QUIRE. 

Worryin'  about  Girls  and  not  about  Boys — Wimmen'a  Charity  for 
Wimmen — The  Prodigal  Daughter's  return — What  is  good  for 
a  Boy  is  good  for  a  Girl — A  Spy  in  the  Family — Tirzah  Ann's 
future  Marrage — Thomas  J.  prefers  a  back  seat — He  describes 
the  Quire — We  go  up  to  the  Rehersal — A  United  Quire — The 
Entire  Orkusstree — A  Artistic  Duett — Josiah  breaks  out  in 
Song— Betsey  Remonstrates  in  Verse 112—126 

MISS  SHAKESPEARE'S  EARRINGS. 

Josiah  gives  up  Singin' — Betsey  feelin'  lonesome,  visits  me — She 
bemoans  her  lone  state — Betsey  is  willin'  but  the  men  haint— 
A  smile  or  a  supper — Correctin'  a  Husband — Woman  as  a 
runnin'  vine— The  Elder's  Choice— The  Carpet  Pedler— Bound 
for  a  Trade— Bill  Shakespeare's  present— An  aifectin'  story- 
Betsey  makes  a  purchase— Thomas  J.  turns  poet— Betsey 
shows  her  prize— The  Minister's  Wife's  old  Jewelry— Betsey 
sick  at  heart,  goes  home 127 — 144 

A  NITE  OF  TROUBLES. 

A  Serenade  disturbed  by  Thomas  J. — Musical  powers  of  Cats — 
Josiah  on  the  war-path — Another  Serenade — Josiah  swears — 
"  Come,  oh  come  with  me  " — Josiah  shows  wickedness — A 
"  meloncholly  man  "—The  Serenader  "  languishes  "—An  Ad 
dress  by  Thomas  J— Relics  left  on  the  field 145—166 

4th  OF  JULY  IN  JONESVILLE. 

The  Professor's  Poem— The  Celebration  on  the  field— Professor 
Aspire  Todd— The  Professor's  Speech— Old  Mr.  Bobbet  en 
dorses  the  speaker— The  Editer  interferes—"  Yes !  dround  the 
Black  Cat"— The  next  Speaker— An  Argument  Illustrated— 
A  Wife's  Devotion— Adjournment  for  Dinner— Toasts  given— 
A  Poem  by  B  B  — At  Home  Countin'  the  Cost— What  good 
has  it  done?..  .  ^ 157—174 

SIMON  SLIMPSEY'S  MOURNFUL  FOREBODIN'S. 
Thomas  J.  discusses  the  Jews — He  expresses  his  Opinion  of 
Betsey's  Religion— A  visit  from  Simon  Slimpsey— His  appear 
ance—A  Victim  of  bad  luck— "She'll  get  round  me"— A  Poem 
for  Modest  Wimmen^  by  B.  B.— Slimpsey  don't  want  to 
marry— Reconciled  to  the  less  of  his  late  Consort— Overcome 
bj  hia  fears  foe  the  future 177—187 


xii 


WHAT   18   IN   THE   BOOK. 


FREE  LOVE  LECTURES. 

A  Beautiful  October  day,  good  to  pull  Beets— Betsey  gets  Kissed 
at  last— A  Professor  that  was  married  some— Married  Men 
good  for  some  purposes — A  Free  Love  Song — A  war  Cry — 
Professor  (rusher's  Visit— Peppermint  recommended  to  the 
Professor  for  his  troubles— No  Yearnin'  for  Freedom— Value 
of  Divorce  Bills— What  I  would  do  if  I  Yearned— A  Mean 
Business 188—200 

ELDER  WESLEY  MINKLE'S  DONATION. 

Betsey  visits  me  and  brings  her  Tattin'— She  Mourns  over  her 
neglected  duties — She  decides  in  future  to  work  and  also  to 
prey — The  Donation  Party — Josiah  objects  to  them — Quotes 
the  'postle  Paul  as  an  Example — How  we  went  and  what  was 
Donated — Brother  Minkley  re-preaches  his  sermon  to  me — 
The  Elder  tempted— The  Grab  Bag— The  Elder  throws  the 
tempter — A  new  attack  of  the  Enemy — Grab  Bags  and  Huz 
zies  finally  overcome— Match  Makin'—  The  Editer  arrives— 
He  congratulates  himself— Married  and  Saved — Betsey's  disa- 
pointment  and  wild  agony— She  seeks  relief  in  Poetry— She 
desires  to  be  a  ghost 201—221 

WIMMEN'S   SPEAH. 

The  new  Preacher  clung  to — A  Visit  from  Betsey — A  Discussion 
on  Wimmen's  Speah — Female  Delicacy  as  shown  in  Waltzin* 
with  Pirates  mebbe — Wimmen  as  boards — Tattin'  and  Paint- 
in' — Dressin'  and  Flirtin' — Readin'  Novels — Paul's  Letters — 
Wimmen's  talk — Itchin'  ears — Betsey's  new  Poem  on  Matri 
mony — True  Marriage — About  Divorces — Clingers — Baptist 
Wimmen  Voters — Nater  will  out  :  a  hen  will  Scratch — 
Wimmen  won't  be  driven — Betsey  prefers  to  walk  home  and 
is  accommodated 222—243 

A  TOWER  TO  NEW  YORK  DISCUSSED. 

Progress  of  aflairs  at  Jonesville— Peace  and  Plenty— Betsey  alive 
but  Quiet — H.  Greeley  and  I  differ  in  some  things — I  propose 
a  Tower — Josiah  shows  Jealousy — Democrats  short  of  Presi 
dent  Stuff— H.  G.  up  for  President — Effect  of  Suspense  on  me 
— Josiah  consents  to  the  Tower — Preparations — An  Overskirt 
Important— Josiah  sells  the  Critter 244—257 


WHAT   IS    IN   THE   BOOK.  Xlll 

GOVERNED  BY  PRINCIPLE. 

Open  preparations  for  the  Tower — Josiah's  White  Hat — My  Prin 
ciples  induce  me  also  to  wear  one — Old  "  Hail  the  Day  "  con 
tributes  Feathers — On  the  Political  Fence — Betsey  also  pro 
poses  a  Tower — At  the  Depott — Betsey  Explains — The  1st 
Partin'  for  15  years 258—271 

MEETIN'  GRANT  AND  COLFAX. 

The  Ticket  Master  —  Folks  I  met  with— Lack  of  Water  Privil 
eges — A  Cigar  without  smoke — The  Smilin'  Stranger — Bad 
use  of  Eggs — Grant  and  Colfax — "  Ulysses,  how  do  you  do" — 
Betsey  reads  a  Poem  to  Gen'l  Grant — "  Let  us  have  Peace" — 
Betsey  overcome  by  Strategim 272 — 287 

AT  NEW  YORK,  ASTERS'ES  TAVERN. 

A  Familiar  Stranger — "Will  you  have  a  bus?"  —  Betsey's 
Hopes — A  Vegetable  Widow — Procession  on  Broadway- 
Miss  Asters'es  Tavern— The  Register— The  Elevator— First 
thoughts  in  the  Mornin' — Breakfast  table — An  Insult — Store 
Tea  —  I  leave  the  Water  Runnin'  —  Betsey  Dissapointed 
again 288 — 305 

MEET  DR.  MARY  WALKER. 

Call  on  Miss  Hooker — Engaged  and  what  of  it — At  Miss  Wood- 
hull's  door  —  Of  Doubtful  Gender — Miss  Dr.  Walker — 
Admittance  obtained — A  newly  Married  Man — Two  Roman 
Noses 306—312 

INTERVIEW  WITH  THEODORE  AND  VICTORY. 

Elizabeth  Cady  Stanton — H.  W.  Beecher  —  Isabella  Beecher 
Hooker  —  Susan  B.  Anthony  —  Theodore  Tilton  —  Victory 
Woodhull — Male  and  Female  Angels — Feathers  on  Angel's 
Wings — Blind  Marriages — Thoroughwert  Pukes — Theodore's 
Opinions — He  Advocates  Divorces — To  Marry  and  not  to 
Marry  both  Solemn — Betsey's  Prayer — Theodore  yields. .  313 — 3S5 

A  WIMMEN'S  RIGHTS  LECTURER. 

A  Visitor— Been  on  a  Lecture  Tower— Tyrant  man— A  Cure  for 
Pantin'  Hearts — A  Star  of  Hope — Dress  and  Statesmanship — 
A  Dinner  and  a  Desert 336 34*f 


WHAT    IB    IN    THE    BOOK. 

ALEXANDER'S  STORE. 

Mr.  Cash'es  Family— Alexander  don't  take  Butter,  Eggs,  Socks, 
or  Barter — A  Look  at  Calicos — Foreign  Princes — Dolly 
Varden  and  her  Acquaintances — A  Dreadful  Discovery — 
Betsey's  Poetry  in  Market  348 — 356 

A  HARROWIN'  OPERATION. 

A  poor  Maniac — A  Affectin'  Sight  —  A  Ear  for  Music — Tirzah 
Ann  a  Musician — Operation  of  the  D-David — Farewell  to  Mrs. 
Asters' es 357—354 

A  VISIT  TO  HORACE. 

First  Impressions  of  him — No  Peace  for  Candidates — Men  all 
Alike — Darwin's  Idees — Horace's  old  Letters — His  Admiss 
ions — Wimmen's  Influence  at  Washington — The  Wrong  Foot 
Forrerd — A  Woman,  or  Patrick  Oh  Flanegan — The  Widder 
Albert — Queen  Bees — Paul's  Opinions — Christ's  Example — 
Nearly  Overcome  —  Betsey's  Overtures  —  Horace  and  I 
Part/. 368—396 

A  SEA  VOYAGE. 

Left  by  the  Cars— On  the  Canal  Boat— Terrible  Storm— Dangers 
Surround  Us— Betsey  Writes  a  Poem — Sings  Sea  Odes— The 
Poem— At  Home 397—406 

OLD  FRIENDS  IN  NEW  GARMENTS. 

Betsey  Bobbet  Married — Poor  Simon  Slimpsey — Betsey  at  Home — 

Her  Last  Poem— The  End 406—420 

HOME  AND  JOSIAH. 

Bad  News— Horace  Greeley  dead — A  Review  of  my  Tower— VUv 
tory  in  Jail — Miss  Aster  a  deception — Beecher  slandered— 
Tilton  do.  do. — Doubts  of  Josiah — My  Kitchen — I  wear  a  bow 
on  principle— Our  supper — Josiah  grows  sentimental — I  don't 
discourage  him 484 


PICTURES  IN  THE  BOOK. 


U  THE  PLEASANT  STTPPER.  FULL  PAG B (Frontispiece) 

2  I  AND  JOSIAH 19 

3  HEFKESHMBNTS  (TAILPIECE) 20 

4  TIRZAH  ANN 23 

5  BETSEY  BOBBET 27 

6  READIX' POETRY 33 

7  LOOKING  FORA  VICTIM,  (TAILPIECE) 37 

8  PREPARIX'  FOR  A  PICTURE  39 

9  THE  PICTURE 45 

10  THE  SURPRISE  PARTY,  (FULL  PAGE) 53 

11  DELICIOUS.  (TAIL  PIECE)  57 

12  THE  QUILTIN' PARTY  (FULL  PAGE) 77 

13  SCANDALIZED,  (TAIL  PIECE)  84 

14  Ax  ACCIDENT 101 

15  JOSIAH  BEIN'  CHEERFUL 105 

16  KEEPIX'  THE  SICK  QUIET 109 

17  A  FULL  QUIRE 123 

18  THE  EAR  RING  PEDLER,  (FULL  PAGE) 141 

19  DISGUST,  (TAIL  PIECE)  144 

20  THE  SEREN ADERS  (FULL  PAGE) 150 

21  MKVVSIX',  (TAIL  PIECE) 156 

22  THE  FOURTH  OF  JULY  CELEBRATION  (FULL  PAGE) 162 

23  WHAT  HAPPENED  AT  THE  DINNER  (FULL  PAGE) 170 

24  COUNTIN'  THE  COST  (FULL  PAGE) 175 

25  SIMON  SLIMPSEY 182 

26  SIMON  OVERWHELMED 187 

27  PROF.  GUSHER 195 

28  Li vix'  ox  GOSPEL 204 

29  THE  ENEMY  ATTACKED 210 

20  THE  ELDER  ON  THE  ALERT 213 

81  BETSEY  SEEKS  RELIEF 219 

82  A  STRONG  ATTACHMENT  (TAIL  PIECE) 221 

83  FEMALE  DELICACY 284 


XVI  PICTURES    IN   THE   BOOK. 

34  No  TIME  TO  VOTE 22« 

35  DREADFUL  SHORT  OF  TIMK 227 

36  No  TIME  TO  STUDY  LAWS 228 

37  A  WOMAN'S  RIGHTS  (FULLPAGE) „ 234 

38  PRIMARY  MEETINGS  AND  RESULTS,  (FULL  PAGE) 241 

39  A  VICTORY  (TAILPIECE) 256 

40  VISIT  TO  JONES VILLE  (FULL  PAGE) 263 

41  GONE  (TAILPIECE)  271 

42  THE  SMILIN'  STRANGER  (FULL  PAGE) 278 

43  "LET  us  HAVE  PEACE"  (FULLPAGE) 284 

44  ON  THE  STRHET 305 

45  HARD  AT  WORK,  (FULLPAGE) 317 

46  BETSEY'S  PRAYER v 334 

47  ON  ALECTURIN'  TOWER  [FULL  PAGE]    339 

48  How  WOULD  You  LIKE  IT?- 342 

49  FEMALE  STATESMANSHIP 345 

50  DON'T  TAKE  BARTER '. 350 

51  DOLLY  VARDEN 354 

52  A  HARROWIN' SCENE    358 

53  INTERVIEW  WITH  HORACE,  (FULL  PAGE) : 869 

54  FILLIN'  WOMAN'S  SPEAR  UNDER  DIFFICULTIES  [FULL  PAGE] 395 

55  AT  HOME  402 

66  MB.  BOBBBT  TELLS  NEWS  [FULL  PAGE] tM 


MARRIED  TO  JOSIAH  ALLEN. 


IF  anybody  had  told  me  when  I  was  first  born  that 
I  would  marry  to  a  widower,  I  should  have  been 
mad  at  'em.  I  lived  up  to  this  idee  quite  a  number 
of  years,  how  many,  is  nobody's  business,  that  I  will 
contend  for.  I  laughed  at  the  idee  of  love  in  my  blind 
ness  of  eye.  But  the  first  minute  I  sot  my  grey  eye 
onto  Josiah  Allen  I  knew  my  fate.  My  heart  was  a 
pray  to  feelin's  it  had  heretofore  been  a  stranger  to. 

Sez  I  to  myself  "  Is  this  love  ?"  I  couldn't  answer, 
I  was  too  agitated. 

Josiah  told  me  afterwards  that  he  felt  jest  exactly 
the  same,  only,  when  his  heart  wildly  put  the  question 
to  him,  "  Is  it  love  you  feel  for  Samantha  Smith  ?"  he 
havin'  experience  in  the  same,  answered,  "  Yes,  it  is 
love." 

I  married  Josiah  Allen  (in  mother's  parlor,  on  the 
fourteenth  day  of  June,  in  a  bran  new  silk  dress  with 
a  long  boddis  waist)  from  pure  love.  Though  why  I 
2 


18  I  MARRY  FOR  LOVE. 

loved  him,  I  know  not.  I  looked  at  his  mild  face 
beainin'  o.u  &&*S*aJn  above  his  black  silk  stock,  which 
XBp:  his  head  kinder'  stiff,  and  asked  myself  this  ques 
tion,  "Why*  do*  you'  love  him?"  I  reckolected  then, 
and  I  have  recalled  it  to  his  mind  several  times  sense 
in  our  little  differences  of  opinion,  which  occur  in  the 
happiest  families — that  I  had  had  offers  from  men, 
handsomer  than  him,  with  more  intelect  than  him,  with 
more  riches  than  him,  with  less  children  than  him. 
Why  didn't  I  love  these  various  men  ?  I  knew  not. 
I  can  only  repeat  in  the  immortal  and  almost  deathless 
lines  of  the  poet,  "  Love  will  go  where  it  is  sent." 

Yes,  Josiah  Allen  was  my  fate,  and  when  I  laid  my 
light  silk  glove  in  his' en  (they  was  almost  of  a  color, 
a  kind  of  cinnemen  broun)  before  the  alter,  or  that  is 
before  Elder  Wesley  Minkley,  I  did  it  with  the  purest 
and  tenderest  emotions  of  love. 

And  that  love  has  been  like  a  Becon  in  our  pathway 
ever  sense.  Its  pure  light,  though  it  has  sputtered 
some,  and  in  tryin'  times  such  as  washin'  days  and 
cleanin'  house  times  has  burnt  down  pretty  low, — has 
never  gone  out. 

When  I  married  him  the  bald  spot  on  his  head  wuz- 
n't  much  bigger  than  a  new  silver  dollar.  ISTqw  the 
top  of  his  head  is  as  smooth  and  clean  as  one  of  my 
stun  china  dinner  plates,  and  if  any  horse  jocky  was  to 
try  to  judge  of  his  age  by  lookin'  at  his  teeth,  they 
would  be  baffled,  not  but  what  he  has  got  some  teeth, 


LOVE  STILL  TRIUMPHANT. 


but  they  are  pretty  scatterin'.     But  still  that  Becon 
shines,  that  pure  love  triumphs  over  lost  teeth  and  van- 


I   AND   JOSIAH. 

ished  sandy  hair.  There  haint  a  man  on  the  face  ot 
the  earth  that  looks  so  good  to  me  as  Josiah  Allen.  I 
don't  tell  him  this,  mind  you,  14  years  experience  of 
•married  life  has  taught  me  caution.  Josiah  is  as  good 
as  they'l  average  generally,  but  no  man  can't  stand 
too  much  flattery,  men  are  naturally  vain. 

As  I  said  in  the  commencement  of  this  plain  and 


20  I  DISCOURAGE  COMPARISONS. 

unvarnished  history,  I  had  almost  a  deadly  objection 
to  widowers  owin'  to  their  habit  of  comparin'  their 
second  wives  to  their  first  relict,  to  the  disadvantage 
of  the  first-named  pardner.  Josiah  tride  it  with  me 
when  we  was  first  married.  But  I  didn't  encourage 
him  in  it.  He  began  on  several  various  times,  •  "  It 
seems  to  me  Samantha  that  Polly  Ann  used  to  fry  up 
her  meat  a  little  cripsier,"  or  "  It  seems  as  if  Polly 
Ann  used  to  make  my  collers  a  little  stiifer."  He 
stopped  it  before  we  had  been  married  a  year,  for  7 
didn't  encourage  it  in  him. 

As  I  mean  that  this  book  shall  be  a  Becon  light, 
guidin'  female  wimmeii,  to  life,  liberty,  and  the  pursuit 
of  true  happiness,  I  would  insert  right  here  this  word 
of  solern'  warnin'  to  my  sect  situated  in  the  tryin' 
place  of  second  consorts,  if  the  relict  goes  to  comparin' 
you  to  his  foregone  consort,  don't  encourage  him  in  it. 
On  this  short  rule  hangs  the  hope  of  domestick  har 
mony. 


ABOUT  JOSIAH  AND  THE  CHILDREN. 


BUT  step-mothers  have  a  pretty  hard  row  to  hoe, 
though  I  don't  complain.  I  like  children,  clean 
children  first  rate,  and  I  have  tried  to  do  my  duty  by 
hisen.  I  have  done  as  well  by  'em  as  I  knew  how  to,  and 
I  think  a  sight  of  Thomas  Jefferson  and  Tirzah  Ann. 
Tirzah  Ann  is  dreadful  sentimental,  that  is  what  spiles 
her  mostly.  And  Thomas  Jefferson  thinks  he  knows 
more  than  his  father,  that  is  his  greatest  failin'.  But 
take  'em  all  through,  they  are  full  as  good  as  other 
folks'es  children,  and  I  know  it.  Thomas  Jefferson  is 
dreadful  big  feelin',  he  is  17  years  old,  he  wears  a  stove 
pipe  hat,  and  is  tryin'  to  raise  a  moustache,  it  is  now 
jest  about  as  long  as  the  fuzz  on  cotton  flannel  and 
most  as  white.  They  both  go  to  Jonesville  to  high 
school,  (we  hire  a  room  for  'em  to  Mother  Aliens,  and 
they  board  themselves,)  but  they  are  to  home  every 
Saturday,  and  then  they  kinder  quarell  all  day  jest  as 

brothers  and  sisters  will.     What  agravates  Thomas  J. 

21 


22  THE  CHILDREN  ARGUE. 

the  worst  is  to  call  him  "bub,"  and  Tirzah  Ann 
don't  call  him  anything  else  unless  she  forgets 
herself. 

He  seems  to  think  it  is  manly  to  have  doubts  about 
religeon.  I  put  him  through  the  catechism,  and  thought 
he  was  'sound.  But  he  seems  to  think  it  is  manly  to 
argue  about  free  moral  agency,  foreordination,  and  pre 
destination,  and  his  father  is  jest  fool  enough  to  argue 
with  him.  Sez  he  last  Saturday, 

"  Father,  if  it  was  settled  beyond  question  six  or 
seven  thousand  years  ago  that  I  was  goin5  to  be  lost 
what  good  does  it  do  for  me  to  squirm  ?  and  if  it  was 
settled  that  I  was  goin'  to  be  saved,  how  be  I  goin'  to 
help  myself?"  sez  he,  "I  believe  we  can't  help  our 
selves,  what  was  meant  to  happen,  will  happen." 

Before  his  father  had  time  to  speak — Josiah  is  a  slow 
spoken  man,  Tirzah  Ann  spoke  up — 

"  Bub,  if  it  was  settled  six  or  seven  thousand  years 
ago  that  I  should  take  your  new  jockey  club  and  hair 
oil,  and  use  'em  all  myself,  why  then  I  shall." 

"  Tirzah  Ann,"  says  he  "  If  you  should  touch  'em  it 
was  foreordained  from  creation  that  you  would  get 
dreadfully  hurt."  But  I  spoke  up  then  for  the  first 
time,  says  I, 

"  You  see  Thomas  J.  that  come  to  fighting  you 
have  moral  agency  enough  —  or  immoral  agency. 
Now"  says  I,  "I  won't  hear  another  word  from 
you,  you  Thomas  J.  are  a  young  fool,  and  you  Josiah 


I  CURE  JOSIAH  OF  SENTIMENT. 

Allen  are  a  old  one,  now,"  says  I  "  go  to  the  barn, 
for  I  want  to  mop." 

Tirzah  Ann  as  I  said  is  dreadful  sentimental,  I  don't 
know  which  side  she  took  it  from,  though  I  mistrust 
that  Josiah  if  he  had  any  encouragement  would  act 
spoony.  I  am  not  the  woman  to  encourage  any  kind 


TIRZAH    ANN. 

of  foolishness.  I  remember  when  we  was  first  en 
gaged,  he  called  me  "  a  little  angel."  I  jest  looked 
at  him  calmly  and  says  I, 

"  I  weigh  two  hundred  and  4  pounds,"  and  he  didn't 
call  me  ao  again. 


24  HOW  LIFE  RUNS  WITH  ITS. 

No  !  sentiment  aint  my  style,  and  I  abhor  all  kinds  of 
shams  and  deceitfulness.  Now  to  the  table  you  don't 
ketch  me  makin'  excuses.  I  should  feel  as  mean  as 
pusley  if  I  did.  Though  once  in  a  while  when  I  have 
particuler  company,  and  my  cookin'  turns  out  bad,  I 
kinder  turn  the  conversation  on  to  the  sufferin's  of  our 
four  fathers  in  the  Revolution,  how  they  eat  their  kat 
ridge  boxes  and  shoe  leather.  It  don't  do  us  no  hurt 
to  remember  their  sufferin's,  and  after  talkin'  about 
eatin'  shoe  leather  most  any  kind  of  cake  seems  ten 
der. 

I  spose  that  life  runs  along  with  Josiah  and  the  chil 
dren  and  me  about  as  easy  as  it  does  with  most  men 
and  female  wimmen.  We  have  got  a  farm  of  75  acres 
of  land  all  paid  for,  A  comfortable  story  and  a  half 
yeller  house — good  barns,  and  a  bran  new  horse  barn, 
and  health.  Our  door  yard  is  large  and  shady  with 
apple,  and  pear,  and  cherry  trees  ;  andTirzah  Ann  has 
got  posy  beds  under  the  winder's  that  look  first  rate. 
And  where  there  haint  no  posy  beds  nor  shade  trees, 
the  grass  grows  smooth  and  green,  and  it  is  a  splendid 
place  to  dry  clothes.  On  the  north  side  of  the  house 
is  our  orchard,  the  trees  grow  clear  up  to  our  kitchen 
winder,  and  when  the  north  door  is  open  in  the  spring 
of  the  year,  and  I  stand  there  ironin',  the  trees  all  cov 
ered  with  pink  blows  it  is  a  pleasant  sight.  But  a  still 
pleasanter  sight  is  it  in  the  fall  of  the  year  to  stand  in 
the  door  and  see  Josiah  and  Thomas  Jefferson  pickin' 


SHORT  BUT  SWEET.  25 

up  barells  of  the  great  red  and  yeller  grafts  at  a  dollar 
a  bushel.  Beyond  the  orchard  down  a  little  bit  of  a 
side  hill  runs  the  clear  water  of  the  canal.  In  front 
of  the  house  towards  the  south — but  divided  from  it 
by  a  good  sized  door  yard  and  a  picket  fence,  runs  the 
highway,  and  back  of  the  house,  if  I  do  say  it  that 
ortn't  to,  there  is  as  good  a  garden  as  there  is  in  these 
parts.  For  I  set  my  foot  down  in  the  first  ont,  that  I 
would  have  garden  sass  of  all  kinds,  and  strawberrys, 
and  gooseberrys,  and  currant,  and  berry  bushes,  and 
glad  enough  is  Josiah  now  to  think  that  he  heard  to 
me.  It  took  a  little  work  of  course,  but  I  believe  in 
havin'  things  good  to  eat,  and  so  does  Josiah.  That 
man  has  told"  me  more'n  a  hundred  times  sense  that 
"  of  all  the  sass  that  ever  was  made,  garden  sass  was 
the  best  sass."  To  the  south  of  the  house  is  our  big 
meadow — the  smell  of  the  clover  in  the  summer  is  as 
sweet  as  anything,  our  bees  get  the  biggest  part  of  their 
honey  there,  the  grass  looks  beautiful  waviii'  in  the 
sunshine,  and  Josiah  cut  from  it  last  summer  4  tons 
of  hay  to  the  acre. 
2* 


AN  UNMARRIED  FEMALE. 


I  SUPPOSE  we  are  about  as  happy  as  the  most  of 
folks,  but  as  I  was  sayin,  a  few  days  ago  to  Betsy 
Bobbet  a  neighborin'  female  of  ours — "  Every  Station 
house  in  life  has  its  various  skeletons.  But  we  ort  to  try 
to  be  contented  with  that  spear  of  life  we  are  called  on  to 
handle."  Betsey  haint  married  and  she  don't  seem  to 
be  contented.  She  is  awful  opposed  to  wimmens  rights, 
she  thinks  it  is  wimmens  only  spear  to  marry,  but  as 
yet  she  can't  find  any  man  willin'  to  lay  holt  of  that 
spear  with  her.  But  you  can  read  in  her  daily  life  and 
on  her  eager  willin'  countenance  that  she  fully  realizes 
the  sweet  words  of  the  poet,  "  while  there  is  life  there 
is  hope." 

Betsey  haint  handsome.  Her  cheek  bones  are  high, 
and  she  bein'  not  much  more  than  skin  and  bone  they 
show  plainer  than  they  would  if  she  was  in  good  order. 
Her  complexion  (not  that  I  blame  her  for  it)  haint 

good,  and  her  eyes  are  little  and  sot  way  back  in  her 

26 


OUR  NEIGHBOR,  BETSEY  BOBBET.  27 

head.  Time  has  seen  fit  to  deprive  her  of  her  hair  and 
teeth,  but  her  large  nose  he  has  kindly  suffered  her  to 
keep,  but  she  has  got  the  best  white  ivory  teeth  money 
will  buy ;  and  two  long 
curls  fastened  behind 
each  ear,  besides  friz 
zles  on  the  top  of  her 
head,  and  if  she  was 
n't  naturally  bald,  and 
if  the  curls  was  the 
color  of  her  hair  they*? 
would  look  well.  She 
is  awful  sentimental, 

I   have   seen   a  good  BETS^  BOBBET. 

many  that  had  it  bad, 

but  of  all  the  sentimental  creeters  I  ever  did  see  Bet 
sey  Bobbet  is  the  sentimentalest,  you  couldn't  squeeze 
a  laugh  out  of  her  with  a  cheeze  press. 

As  I  said  she  is  awful  opposed  to  wimmin's  havein' 
any  right  only  the  right  to  get  married.  She  holds  on 
to  that  right  as  tight  as  any  single  woman  I  ever  see 
which  makes  it  hard  and  wearin'  011  the  single  men 
round  here.  For  take  the  men  that  are  the  most  op 
posed  to  wimmin's  havin'  a  right,  and  talk  the  most 
about  its  bein'  her  duty  to  cling  to  man  like  a  vine  to 
a  tree,  they  don't  want  Betsey  to  cling  to  them,  they 
won't  let  her  cling  to  'em.  For  when  they  would  be 
a  goin'  on  about  how  wicked  it  was  for  wimmin  to  vote 


28  BETSY'S  OPINIONS. 

— and  it  was  her  only  spear  to  marry,  says  I  to  'em 
"  Which  had  you  ruther  do,  let  Betsey  Bobbet  cling 
to  you  or  let  her  vote  ?"  and  they  would  every  one  of 
'em  quail  before  that  question.  They  would  drop  their 
heads  before  my  keen  grey  eyes — and  move  off  the 
subject. 

But  Betsey  don't  get  discourajed.  Every  time  I  see 
her  she  says  in  a  hopeful  wishful  tone,  "  That  the  deep 
est  men  of  minds  in  the  country  agree  with  her  in 
thinkin'  that  it  is  wimmin's  duty  to  marry,  and  not  to 
vote."  And  then  she  talks  a  sight  about  the  retirin' 
modesty  and  dignity  of  the  fair  sect,  and  how  shame 
ful  and  revoltin'  it  would  be  to  see  wimmen  throwin' 
'em  away,  and  boldly  and  unblushin'ly  talkin'  about 
law  and  justice. 

"Why  to  hear  Betsey  Bobbet  talk  about  wimmins 
throwin'  their  modesty  away  you  would  think  if  they 
ever  went  to  the  political  pole,  they  would  have  to 
take  their  dignity  and  modesty  and  throw  'em  against 
the  pole,  and  go  without  any  all  the  rest  of  their 
lives. 

Now  I  don't  believe  in  no  such  stuff  as  that,  I  think 
a  woman  can  be  bold  and  unwomanly  in  other  things 
besides  goin'  with  a  thick  veil  over  her  face,  and  a  brass 
mounted  parasol,  once  a  year,  and  gently  and  quietly 
dropping  a  vote  for  a  Christian  president,  or  a  religeous 
and  noble  minded  pathmaster. 

She  thinks  she  talks  dreadful  polite  and  proper,  she 


WRITES  POETRY  FOR  THE  AUGUR.  29 

says  "  I  was  cameing  "  instead  of  "  I  was  coming,"  and 
"  I  have  saw  "  instead  of  "  I  have  seen/'  and  "  papah  " 
for  paper,  and  "  deah  "  for  dear.  I  don't  know  much 
about  grammer,  but  common  sense  goes  a  good  ways. 
She  writes  the  poetry  for  the  Jonesville  Augur,  or 
"  Augah,"  as  she  calls  it.  She  used  to  write  for  the 
opposition  paper,  the  Jonesville  Gimlet,  but  the  editer 
of  the  Augur,  a  long  haired  chap,  who  moved  into 
Jonesville  a  few  months  ago,  lost  his  wife  soon  after 
he  come  there,  and  sense  that  she  has  turned  Dimocrat, 
and  writes  for  his  paper  stiddy.  They  eay  that  he  is 
a  dreadful  big  feelin'  man,  and  I  have  heard — it  came 
right  straight  to  me — his  cousin's  wife's  sister  told  it 
to  the  mother  in  law  of  one  of  my  neighbor's  brother's 
wife,  that  he  didn't  like  Betsey's  poetry  at  all,  and  all 
he  printed  it  for  was  to  plague  the  editer  of  the  Gimlet, 
because  she  used  to  write  for  him.  I  myself  wouldn't 
give  a  cent  a  bushel  for  all  the  poetry  she  can  write. 
And  it  seems  to  me,  that  if  I  was  Betsey,  I  wouldn't 
try  to  write  so  much,  howsumever,  I  don't  know  what 
turn  I  should  take  if  I  was  Betsey  Bobbet,  that  is  a 
solemn  subject  and  one  I  don't  love  to  think  on. 

I  never  shall  forget  the  first  piece  of  her  poetry  I 
ever  see.  Josiah  Allen  and  I  had  both  on  us  been 
married  goin'  on  a  year,  and  I  had  occasion  to  go  to 
his  trunk  one  day  where  he  kept  a  lot  of  old  papers, 
and  the  first  thing  I  laid  my  hand  on  was  these  verses. 
Josiah  went  with  her  a  few  times  after  his  wife  died, 


30  AN  ODE  BY  BETSEY. 

a  4th  of  July  or  so  and  two  or  three  camp  meetin's, 
and  the  poetry  seemed  to  be  wrote  about  the  time  we 
was  married.  It  was  directed  over  the  top  of  it  "  Owed 
to  Josiah,"  just  as  if  she  were  in  debt  to  him.  This 
Was  the  way  it  read. 

"OWED  TO  JOSIAH. 

Josiah  I  the  tale  have  hum, 
With  rigid  ear,  and  streaming  eye, 
I  saw  from  me  that  you  did  turn, 
I  never  knew  the  reason  why. 

Oh  Josiah, 

It  seemed  as  if  I  must  expiah. 

Why  did  you,  Oh  why  did  you  blow 
Upon  my  life  of  snowy  sleet, 
The  fiah  of  love  to  fiercest  glow, 
Then  turn  a  damphar  on  the  heat  ? 

Oh  Josiah, 

It  seemed  as  if  I  must  expiah. 

I  saw  thee  coming  down  the  street, 
She  by  your  side  in  bonnet  bloo  ; 
The  stuns  that  grated  'neath  thy  feet 
Seemed  crunching  on  my  vitals  too. 

Oh  Josiah, 

It  seemed  as  if  I  must  expiah. 

I  saw  thee  washing  sheep  last  night, 
On  the  bridge  I  stood  with. marble  brow, 
The  waters  raged,  thou  clasped  it  tight, 
I  sighed,    '  should  both  be  drownded  now — ' 
I  thought  Josiah, 
Oh  happy  sheep  to  thus  expiah." 

I  showed  the  poetry  to  Josiah  that  night  after  he 
came  home,  and  told  him  I  had  read  it.     He  looked 


I  STAND  UP  FOR  MY  OWN  SECT.  31 

awful  ashamed  to  think  I  had  seen  it,  and  says  he  with 
a  dreadful  sheepish  look, 

"  The  persecution  I  underwent  from  that  female  can 
never  be  told,  she  fairly  hunted  me  down,  I  had'nt  no 
rest  for  the  soles  of  my  feet.  I  thought  one  spell  she 
would  marry  me  in  spite  of  all  I  could  do,  without 
givin'  me  the  benefit  of  law  or  gospel."  He  see  I 
looked  stern,  and  he  added  with  a  sick  lookin'  smile, 
"•I  thought  one  spell,  to  use  Betsey's  language,  "  I  was 
a  gonah." 

I  did'nt  smile — oh  no,  for  the  deep  principle  of  my 
sect  was  reared  up — I  says  to  him  in  a  tone  cold 
enough  to  almost  freeze  his  ears,  "  Josiah  Allen,  sliet 
up,  of  all  the  cowardly  things  a  man  ever  done,  it  is 
goin'  round  braggin'  about  wimmen'  likin'  em,  and 
follerin'  em  up.  Enny  man  that'l  do  that  is  little 
enough  to  crawl  through  a  knot  hole  without  rubbing 
his  clothes."  Says  I,  "  1  suppose  you  made  her  think 
the  moon  rose  in  your  head,  and  set  in  your  heels,  I 
dare  say  you  acted  foolish  enough  round  her  to  sicken 
a  snipe,  and  if  you  make  fun  of  her  now  to  please  me 
I  let  you  know  you  have  got  holt  of  the  wrong  indiv 
idual."  ISTow,  says  I,  "go  to  bed,"  and  I  added  in  still 
more  freezing  accents,  "  for  I  want  to  mend  your  pant 
aloons."  He  gathered  up  his  shoes  and  stockin's  and 
started  off  to  bed,  and  we  haint  never  passed  a  word 
on  the  subject  sence.  I  believe  when  you  disagree 
with  your  pardner,  in  freein'  your  mind  in  the  first 


32  NOT  LOOKING  FOR  TROUBLE. 

on't,  and  then  not  be  a  twittin'  about  it  afterwardB. 
And  as  for  bein'  jealous,  I  should  jest  as  soon  think  of 
bein'  jealous  of  a  meetin'-house  as  I  should  of  Josiah. 
He  is  a  well  principled  man.  And  I  guess  he  was'nt 
fur  out  o'  the  way  about  Betsey  Bobbet,  though  I 
would'nt  encourage  him  by  lettin'  him  say  a  \vord  on 
the  subject,  for  I  always  make  it  a  rule  to  stand  up  for 
my  own  sect ;  but  when  I  hear  her  go  on  about  the 
editor  ot  the  Augur,  I  can  believe  anything  about 
Betsey  Bobbet.  She  came  in  here  one  day  last  week, 
it  was  about  ten  o'clock  in  the  mornin'.  I  had  got  my 
house  slick  as  a  pin,  and  my  dinner  under  way,  (I  was 
goin'  to  have  a  biled  dinner,  and  a  cherry  puddin' 
biled,  with  sweet  sass  to  eat  on  it,)  and  I  sot  down  to 
finish  sewin'  up  the  breadth  of  my  new  rag  carpet.  I 
thought  I  would  get  it  done  while  I  had'nt  so  much 
to  do,  for  it  bein'  the  first  of  March,  I  knew  sugarin, 
would  be  comin'  on,  and  then  cleanin'  house  time,  arid 
I  wanted  it  to  put  down  jest  as  soon  as  the  stove  was 
carried  out  in  the  summer  kitchen.  The  fire  was 
sparklin'  away,  and  the  painted  floor  a  shinin'  and  the 
dinner  a  bilin,'  and  I  sot  there  sewin'  jest  as  calm  as  a 
clock,  not  dreamin'  of  no  trouble,  when  in  came  Bet 
sey  Bobbet. 

I  met  her  with  outward  calm,  and  asked  her  to  set 
down  and  lay  off  her  things.  She  sot  down,  but  she 
said  she  could'nt  lay  off  her  things.  Says  she,  "I  was 
comin'  down  past,  and  I  thought  I  would  call  and  let 


A  VISIT  FROM   BETSEY. 


33 


you  see  the  last  numbah  of  the  Augah,  there  is  a  piece 
in  it  concernin'  the  tariff  that  stirs  men's  souls,  I  like 
it  evah  so  much." 

She  handed  me  the  paper,  folded  so  I  could' nt  see 


READING   POETRY. 


nothiii'  but  a  piece  of  poetry  by  Betsey  Bobbet.  I 
see  what  she  wanted  of  me  and  so  I  dropped  my 
breadths  of  carpetin'  and  took  hold  of  it  and  began  to 
read  it. 

"  Eead  it  audible  if  you  please,"  says  she,  "Espec 
ially  the  precious  reinahks  ovah  it,  it  is  such  a  feast  for 
me  to  be  a  sitting,  and  heah  it  reheahsed  by  a  musical 
yorce. 

Says  I,  "  I  spose  I  can  rehearse  it  if  it  will  do  you 
any  good,"  so  I  began  as  follers : 

"  It  is  seldem  that  we  present  to  the  readers  of  the 
Augur  (the  best  paper  for  the  fireside  in  Jonesville  or 


34  A  VISIT  FROM  BETSEY. 

the  world)  with  a  poern  like  the  following.  It  may  be 
by  the  assistance  of  the  Augur  (only  twelve  shillings 
a  year  in  advance,  wood  and  potatoes  taken  in-  ex 
change)  the  name  of  Betsey  Bobbet  will  yet  be  carved 
on  the  lofty  pinnacle  of  fame's  towering  pillow.  We 
think  however  that  she  could  study  such  writers  as 
Sylvanus  Cobb,  and  Tupper  with  profit  both  to  herself 
and  to  them.  EDITOR  OF  THE  AUGUR." 

Here  Betsey  interrupted  me,  "  The  deah  editah  of 
the  Angah  had  no  n-eed  to  advise  me  to  read  Tuppah, 
for  he  is  indeed  my  most  favorite  authar,  you  have  de- 
vorhed  him  havn't  you  Josiah  Allen's  wife.? 

"  Devoured  who  ? "  says  I,  in  a  tone  pretty  near  as 
cold  as  a  cold  icicle. 

"Mahten,  Fahyueah,  Tuppah,  that  sweet  authar," 
says  she. 

"  No  mom,"  says  I  shortly,  "  I  hain't  devoured  Mar 
tin  Farquhar  Tupper,  nor  no  other  man,  I  hain't  a 
cannibal." 

"  Oh  !  you  understand  me  not,  I  meant,  devorhed 
his  sweet,  tender  lines." 

"  I  hain't  devoured  his  tenderlines,  nor  nothin'  re- 
latin'  to  him,"  and  I  made  a  motion  to  lay  the  paper 
down,  but  Betsey  urged  me  to  go  on,  and  so  I  read. 

GUSHESGS    OF   A   TENDAH    SOUL. 

Oh  let  who  will,  Thus  said  I  'ere, 

Oh  let  who  can,  •  My  tendah  heart  was  touched , 

Be  tied  onto  Thus  said  I  'ere 

A  horrid  male  man.  My  tendah  feelings  gushed. 


13ETSET  GUSHES  AGAIN.  35 

But  oh  a  change  He  is  wandering  now, 

Hath  swept  ore  me,  In  sorrows  briny  surf. 

As  billows  sweep 
The  "  deep  blue  sea."  Two  twins,  the  little 

Deah  cherub  creechahs, 

A  voice,  a  noble  form,  Now  wipe  the  teahs, 

One  day  I  saw ;  From  off  his  classic  feachahs. 

An  arrow  flew, 
My  heart  is  nearly  raw.  Oh  sweet  lot,  worthy 

Angel  arisen, 

His  first  pardner  lies  To  wipe  the  teahs, 

Beneath  the  turf,  From  eyes  like  hisen. 

"  What  think  you  of  it  ?"  says  she  as  I  finished  read- 
in'. 

I  looked  right  at  her  most  a  minute  with  a  majes 
tic  look.  In  spite  of  her  false  curls,  and  her  new 
white  ivory  teeth,  she  is  a  humbly  critter.  I  looked 
at  her  silently  while  she  sot  and  twisted  her  long  yel- 
ler  bunnet  strings,  and  then  I  spoke  out, 

"  Hain't  the  Editor  of  the  Augur  a  widower  with  a 
pair  of  twins  ?" 

"  Yes,"  says  she  with  a  happy  look. 

Then  says  I,  "  If  the  man  hain't  a  fool,  he'll  think 
you  are  one." 

"  Oh  !"  says  she,  and  she  dropped  her  bunnet  strings, 
and  clasped  her  long  bony  hands  together  in  her  brown 
cotton  gloves,  "  oh,  we  ahdent  soles  of  genious,  have 
feelin's,  you  cold,  practical  natures  know  nuthing  of, 
and  if  they  did  not  gush  out  in  poetry  we  should  ex- 
piah.  You  may  as  well  try  to  tie  up  the  gushing  cat- 
arack  of  Kiagarah  with  a  piece  of  welting  cord,  as  to 
tie  up  the  feelings  of  an  ahdent  sole." 


00  WEDDIN'    AFFINITIES. 

"  Ardent  sole  !"  says  I  coldly.  "  Which  makes  the 
most  noise,  Betsey  Babbet,  a  three  inch  brook  or  a  ten 
footer?  which  is  the  tearer?  which  is  the  roarer?  deep 
waters  run  stillest.  I  have  no  faith  in  feelins'  that 
stalk  round  in  public  in  mournin'  weeds.  I  have  no 
faith  in  such  mourners,"  says  I. 

"Oh  Josiah's  wife,  cold,  practical  female  being, you 
know  me  not ;  we  are  sundered  as  fah  apart  as  if  you 
was  sitting  on  the  North  pole,  and  I  was  sitting  on  the 
South  pole.  Uncongenial  being,  you  know  me  not." 

"  I  may  not  know  you,  Betsey  Bobbet,  but  I  do 
know  decency,  and  I  know  that  no  mmmy  would 
tempt  me  to  write  such  stuff  as  that  poetry  and  send 
it  to  a  widower,  with  twins." 

"  Oh  !"  says  she,  u  what  appeals  to  the  tendah  feel 
ing  heart  of  a  single  female  woman  more,  than  to  see 
a  lonely  man  who  has  lost  his  relict  ?  And  pity  never 
seems  so  much  like  pity  as  when  it  is  given  to  the  deah 
little  children  of  widowehs.  And,"  says  she,  "  I  think 
moah  than  as  likely  as  not,  this  soaring  soul  of  genious 
did  not  wed  his  affinity,  but  was  united  to  a  weak 
women  of  clay." 

"  Mere  women  of  clay  !"  says  I,  fixin'  my  spektacles 
upon  her  in  a  most  searchin'  manner,  "  where  will  you 
find  a  woman,  Betsey  Bobbet,  that  hain't  more  or  less 
clay  ?  and  affinity,  that  is  the  meanest  word  I  ever 
heard ;  no  married  woman  has  any  right  to  hear  it. 
I'll  excuse  you,  bein'  a  female,  but  if  a  man  had  said 


GOING  DOWN  TO  POSTERITY.  37 

it  to  me,  I'd  holler  to  Josiali.  There  is  a  time  for 
everything,  and  the  time  to  hunt  affinity  is  before  you 
are  married  ;  married  folks  hain't  no  right  to  hunt  it," 
says  I  sternly. 

"  We  kindred  souls  soah  above  such  petty  feelings, 
we  soah  fah  above  them." 

"  I  hain't  much  of  a  soarer,"  says  I,  "  and  I  don't 
pretend  to  be,  and  to  tell  you  the  truth,"  says  I,  "  I 
am  glad  I  hain't." 

"  The  Editah  of  the  Augah,"  says  she,  and  she  grasp 
ed  the  paper  oifen  the  stand  and  folded  it  up,  and  pre 
sented  it  at  me  like  a  spear,  "  the  Editah  of  this  paper 
is  a  kindred  soul,  he  appreciates  me,  he  undahstands 
me,  and  will  not  our  names  in  the  pages  of  this  very 
papah  go  down  to  posterety  togathah  ?" 

Then  says  I,  drove  out  of  all  patience  with  her,  "  I 
wish  you  was  there  now,  both  of  you,  I  wish,"  says  I, 
lookin'  fixedly  on  her,  "  I  wish  you  was  both  of  you  in 
posterity  now." 


HAVING  MY  PICTURE  TOOK. 


THE  very  next  Saturday  after  1  had  this  conversation 
with  Betsey,  I  went  down  to  Jonesville  to  have  my 
picture  took,  Tirzah  Ann  bein'  to  home  so  she  could 
get  dinner  for  the  menfolks.  As  for  me  I  don't  set  a 
great  deal  of  store  by  pictures,  but  Josiah  insisted  and 
the  children  insisted,  and  I  went.  Tirzah  Ann  wanted 
me  to  have  my  hair  curled,  but  there  I  was  firm,  I 
give  in  on  the  handkerchief  pin,  but  on  the  curl  busi 
ness,  there  I  was  rock. 

Mr.  Gansey  the  man  that  takes  pictures  was  in  an 
other  room  takin'  some,  so  I  walked  round  the  aunty 
room,  as  they  call  it,  lookin'  at  the  pictures  that  hang 
up  on  the  wall,  and  at  the  people  that  come  in  to  have 
theirs  took.  Some  of  'em  was  fixed  up  dreadful ;  it 
seemed  to  me  as  if  they  tried  to  look  so  that  nobody 
wouldn't  know  whose  pictures  they  was,  after  they 
was  took.  Some  of  'em  would  take  off  their  bun- 
nets  and  gaze  in  the  lookin'-glass  at  themselves  and 

38 


AUNTY  ROOM  PREPARATIONS. 


39 


try  to  look  smilin',  and  get  an  expression  onto  their 
faces  that  they  never  owned. 

In  one  corner  of  the  room  was  a  bewrow,  with  a  look- 
in'-glass  and  hair  brushes  onto  it,  and  before  it  stood 
a  little  man  dreadful  dressed  up,  with  long  black  hair 
streamin'  down  over  his  coat  coller,  engaged  in  pour- 


PRKPARIXG    FOR    A    PICTURE. 


ing  a  vial  of  oil  wnto  his  head,  and  brushing  his  hair 


40  THE  EDITOR  OF  THE  AUGUR. 

with  one  of  the  brushes.  I  knew  him  in  a  minute, 
for  I  had  seen  him  come  into  the  meetin5  house. 
Afterwards  when  I  was  jest  standin'  before  the  picture 
of  a  dreadful  harmless  lookin'  man — he  looked  meek 
enough  to  make  excuses  to  his  shadder  for  goin'  before 
it,  and  I  was  jest  sayin'  to  myself,  "  There  is  a  man 
who  would  fry  pancakes  without  complaining"  I  heard 
a  voice  behind  me  sayin', 

"  So  the  navish  villian  stalks  round  yet  in  decent 
society." 

I  turned  round  imegiately  and  see  the  little  man, 
who  had  got  through  fixin1  his  hair  to  have  his  pic- 
tur  took,  standin'  before  me. 

"  Who  do  you  mean  ?"  says  I  calmly.  "  Who  is 
stalkin'  round  ? " 

"  The  Editor  of  the  Gimlet,"  says  he,  "  whose  vile 
image  defiles  the  walls  of  this  temple  of  art,  the  haunt 
of  Aglia,  Thalia,  and  Euphrosine." 

"  Who  ?"  says  I  glancin'  keenly  at  him  over  my 
specks,  "  the  haunt  of  who  ? " 

Says  he  "  The  daughters  of  Bachus  and  Yenus." 
Says  I  "  I  don't  know  anything  about  Miss  Bachus, 
nor  the  Yenus  girls,"  and  says  I  with  spirit,  "  if  they 
are  any  low  creeters  I  don't  thank  you  for  speakin'  of 
'ern  to  me,  nor  Josiah  won't  neether.  This  room  be 
longs  to  Jeremiah  Gansey,  and  he  has  got  a  wife,  a 
likely  woman,  that  belongs  to  the  same  meetin'  house 
and  the  same  class  that  I  do,  and  he  haint  no  business 


THE  HOME  OF  THE  GRACL3.  41 

to  have  other  girls  hauntiii'  his  rooms.  Jf  there  is 
anything  wrong  goin'  on  I  shall  tell  Sister  Gansey." 

Says  he  "  Woman  you  mistake,  I  meant  the  Graces.5' 

"  Graces  !"  says  I  scornfully,  "  what  do  I  care  for 
their  graces.  Sister  Gansey  had  graces  enough  when 
he  married  her,"  says  I.  "  That  is  jest  the  way,  a  man 
will  marry  a  woman  jest  as  pretty  as  a  new  blown  rose, 
and  then  when  she  fades  herself  out,  till  she  looks  more 
like  a  dead  dandy  line  than  a  livin'  creeter,  cookin'  his 
vittles,  washin'  his  dishes,  and  takin'  care  of  his  chil 
dren  ;  then  he'l  go  to  havin'  other  girls  hauntin'  him, 
there  haint  no  gospel  in  it,"  says  I. 

I  looked  him  keenly  in  the  face  all  the  time  I  spoke, 
for  I  thought  he  was  kinder'  upholdin'  Sister  Gansey's 
husband,  and  I  wanted  my  words  to  apaul  him,  but  I 
suppose  he  made  a  mistake,  and  thought  I  was  admir- 
in'  of  him  I  looked  so  earnest  at  him,  for  he  spoke  up 
and  says  he, 

"  I  see  by  your  stiddy  glance  that  you  have  discov 
ered  who  I  be.  Yes  Madam,  you  see  before  you  the 
Editor  of  the  Augur,  but  don't  be  nervous,  don't  let  it 
affect  you  more  than  you  can  help,  I  am  a  mortal  like 
yourself." 

I  looked  at  him  with  my  most  majestic  look,  and  he 
continued. 

"  The  masses  who  devoured  my  great  work  "  Bogical 
Eeveries  on  the  Beauties'  of  Slavery,  are  naturally 
anxious  to  see  me.  I  don't  wonder  at  it,  not  at  all." 


42  "  LOGICAL  REVERIES." 

I  was  austerely  silent  and  withdrawed  to  a  winder 
and  set  down.  But  he  followed  me  and  continued 
on. 

"  That  tract  as  you  are  doubtless  aware,  was  written 
just  before  the  war,  and  a  weaker  minded  man  might 
have  been  appalled  by  the  bloodshed  that  followed  its 
publication.  But  no  !  I  said  calmly,  it  was  written  on 
principle,  and  if  it  did  bring  ruin  and  bloodshed  on 
the  country,  principle  would  in  the  end  prevail.  The 
war  turned  out  different  from  what  I  hoped,  chains 
broke  that  1  could  have  wept  to  see  break — but  still  I 
hung  on  to  principle.  Might  I  ask  you  Madam,  exactly 
what  your  emotions  were  when  you  read  i  Logical  Rev 
eries  '  for  the  first  time  ?  I  suppose  no  President's 
message  was  ever  devoured  as  that  was." 

"  I  never  see  nor  heard  of  your  'Logical  Reveries,'  " 
says  I  coldly.  "  And  thank  fortune  nobody  can  accuse 
me  of  ever  touchin'  a  President's  message — unless  they 
belie  me." 

He  rolled  up  his  eyes  toward  the  cielin'  and  sithed 
hevily,  and  then  says  he,  "  Is  it  possible  that  in  this 
enlightened  community  there  is  still  such  ignorance 
amongst  the  masses.  I  have  got  a  copy  in  my  pocket, 
I  never  go  without  one.  And  I  will  read  it  to  you 
and  it  may  be  pleasant  for  you  to  tell  your  children 
and  grandchildren  in  the  future,  that  the  author  of 
"  Logical  Reveries  on  the  Beauties  of  Slavery  "  told 
yon  with  his  own  lips,  how  the  great  work  came  to  be 


ANOTHER  POEM  BY  ANOTHER  AUTHOR.      4:3 

written.  A  poem  was  sent  me  intended  as  a  satire  on 
the  beautiful  and  time  hallowed  system  of  slavery,  it 
was  a  weak  senseless  mass  of  twaddle,  but  if  the  author 
could  have  foreseen  the  mighty  consequences  that  flow 
ed  from  it,  he  might  well  have  trembled,  for  senseless 
as  it  was  it  roused  the  lion  in  me,  and  I  replied.  I 
divided  my  great  work  into  two  parts,  first,  that  slavery 
was  right,  because  the  constitution  didn;t  say  it  was 
wrong,  and  then  I  viewed  the  subject  in  a  Bible  and 
moral  light,  but  the  last  bein'  of  less  importance,  of 
course  I  didn't  enlarge  on  it,  but  on  the  first  I  come 
out  strong,  there  I  shone.  I  will  read  you  a  little  of 
the  poem  that  was  sent  me,  that  you  may  understand 
the  witherin'  allusions  I  make  concernin'  it.  I  won't 
read  more  than  is  necessary  for  that  purpose,  for  you 
may  get  sleepy  listenin'  to  it,  but  you  will  wake  up 
enough  when  I  begin  to  read  the  "  Logical  Eeveries," 
I  guess  there  couldn't  anybody  sleep  on  them.  The 
poem  I  speak  of  commenced  in  the  following  weak 
illogical  way. 

SLAVERY. 

So  held  my  eyes  I  could  not  see 
The  rightousness  of  slavery, 
So  blind  was  I,  I  could  not  see 
The  ripe  fruit  hang  on  wisdom's  tree ; 
But  groping  round  its  roots  did  range, 
Murmuring  ever,  strange,  oh  strange 

That  one  handful  of  dust  should  dare 
Enslave  another  God  had  made, 


44  SLAVERY—A  POEM. 

From  his  own  home  and  kindred  tear, 
And  scourge,  and  fetter,  steal  and  trade. 
If  'twas  because  they  were  less  wise 
Than  our  wise  race,  why  not  arise, 
And  with  pretext  of  buying  teas, 
Lay  in  full  cargoes  of  Chinese. 
Let  Fee  Fo  Fum,  and  Eng,  and  Chen, 
Grow  wise  by  contact  with  wise  men  ; 
.If  weakness  made  the  traffic  right, 
Why  not    arise  in    manhoods  might, 
And  bind  old  grandmothers  with  gyves, 
And  weakly  children,  and  sick  wives. 

If  twas  the  dark  hue  of  their  face, 

Then  why  not  free  our  noble  race 

Forever  from  all  homely  men  ? 

With  manly  zeal,  and  outstretched  hand, 

Pass  like  a  whirlwind  o'er  the  land. 

Let  squint  eyed,  pug-nosed  women  be 

Only  a  thing  of  memory. 

Though  some  mistakes  would  happen  then, 

For  many  bond  servants  there  are, 

Fair  faced,  blue  eyed,  with  silken  hair. 

How  sweet,  how  pleasant  to  be  sold 

For  notes  in  hand,  or  solid  gold, 

To  benefit  a  brother 

Both  children  of  one  father, 

With  each  a  different  mother. 

One  mother  fair  and  richly  clothed, 

One  worn  with  toil  and  vain  despair 

Down  sunken  to  a  life  she  loathed ; 

Both  children  with  proud  saxon  blood, 

In  one  breast  mixed  with  tropic  flame, 

One,  heir  to  rank  and  broad  estates 

And  one,  without  even  a  name 

Jest  as  he  arrived  to  this  cry  sis  in  the  poem,  Mr. 
Gansey  came  out  into  the  aunty  room,  and  told  me  lie 
was  ready  to  take  my  picture.  The  Editer  seein'  he 


THE  PICTURE  TAKEN. 


• 


was  obleeged  to  stop  readin'  told  me,  he  would  come 
down  to  our  house  a  visitin'  in  sugarin'  time,  and  fin 
ish  readin'  the  poetry  to  me.     I  ketched  holt  of  my 
principles  to  stiddy  'em,  for  I  see  they  was  a  totterin' 
and  says  to  him  with  outward  calmness. 
"If  you  come  fetch  the  twins." 
He  said  he  would.     I   then  told  Mr.  Gansey  I  was 
ready  for  the  picture.     I  believe  there  haint  nothin' 
that  will  take  the  expression  out  of  anybody's  eyes, 
like   havin'  poetry 
read  for  a  hour  and  a 
half,   unless  it   is   to 
have  your  head  screw 
ed  back  into  a  pair  of 
tongs,  and  be  told  to 
look  at    nothiii1    and 
wink  at  it  as  much  as 
you   are   a   mind    to. 
Under  both  of  these 
circumstances,  it  did 
n't  suprise  me  a  mite 
that  one  of  my  eyes 
was  took  blind.     But  as  Mr.  Gansey  said  as  he  looked 
admirin'ly  on  it,  with  the  exception  of  that  one  blind 
eye,  it  was  a  perfect  and  strikin'  picture.     I  paid  him 
his  dollar  and  started  off  home,  and  I  hope  now  that 
Josiah  and  the  children  will  be  satisfied. 


THE   PICTURE. 


OUR  SURPRIZE  PARTIES. 


ABOUT  one  week  after  this  picture  eppysode,  there 
was  a  surprise  party  appointed.  They  had  been 
havin'  'em  all  winter,  and  the  children  had  been  crazy 
to  have  me  go  to  'ern — everybody  went,  old  and  young, 
but  I  held  back.  Says  I :  "  I  don't  approve  of  'em, 
and  I  won't  go." 

But  finally  they  got  their  father  on  their  side  ;  says 
he  :  "  It  won't  hurt  you  Samantha,  to  go  for  once." 

Says  I :  "  Josiah,  the  place  for  old  folks  is  to  home ; 
and  I  don't  believe  in  surprise  parties  anyway,  I  think 
they  are  perfect  nuisances.  It  stands  to  reason  if  you 
want  to  see  your  friends,  you  can  invite  'em,  and  if 
anybody  is  too  poor  to  bake  a  cake  or  two,  and  a  pan 
of  cookies,  they  are  too  poor  to  go  into  company  at 
all."  Says  I :  "  I  haint  proud,  nor  never  was  called 
'so,  but  I  don't  want  Tom,  Dick  and  Harry,  that  I 
never  spoke  to  in  my  life,  feel  as  if  they  was  free  to 
break  into  my  house  at  any  time  they  please."  Says 
I :  "  it  would  make  me  feel  perfectly  wild,  to  think 

there  was  a  whole  drove  of  people,  liable  to  rush  in 

46 


MY  OPINION  OF  SURPRIZES.  47 

here  at  any  minute,  and  I  won't  rush  into  other  peo 
ple's  housen." 

" It  would  be  fun,  mother,"  says  Thomas  J. ;  "I 
should  love  to  see  you  and  Deecon  Gowdey  or  old 
Bobbet,  playin'  wink  'em  slyly." 

'Let  'em  wink  at  me  if  they  dare  to,"  says  I 
sternly  ;  "  let  me  catch  'em  at  it.  I  don't  believe  in 
surprise  parties,"  and  I  went  on  in  about  as  cold  a 
tone  as  they  make.  "Have  you  forgot  how  Mrs. 
Gowdey  had  her  parlor  lamp  smashed  to  bits,  and  a 
set  of  stun  china  ?  Have  you  forgot  how  four  or  five 
stranger  men  got  drunk  to  Peedicks'es,  and  had  to  be 
carried  up  stairs  and  laid  out  on  her  spare  bed  ?  Have 
you  forgot  how  Celestine  "Wilkius  fell  with  her  baby 
in  her  arms,  as  she  was  catchin'  old  Gowdey,  and 
cracked  the  little  innocent  creeters  nose  ?  Have  you 
forgot  how  Betsey  Bobbet  lost  out  her  teeth  a  runnin' 
after  the  editor  of  the  Augur,  and  he  stepped  on  'em 
and  smashed  'em  all  to  bits  ?  Have  you  forgot  these 
coincidences  ? "  Says  I :  "  I  don't  believe  in  surprise 
parties." 

"  No  more  do  I,"  says  Josiah ;  "  but  the  children 
feel  so  about  our  goin',  sposen  we  go,  for  once !  No 
livin'  woman  could  do  better  for  children  than  you 
have  by  mine,  Samantha,  but  I  don't  suppose  you  feel 
exactly  as  1  do  about  pleasin'  'em,  it  haint  natteral 
you  should." 

Here  he  knew  he  had  got  me.     If  ever  a  woman 


48         A  SURPRIZE  PARTY  SURPRIZED. 

wanted  to  do  her  duty  by  another  woman's  children, 
it  is  Samantha  Allen,  whose  maiden  name  was  Smith. 
Josiah  knew  jest  how  to  start  me  ;  men  are  deep.  I 
went  to  the  very  next  party,  which  was  to  be  held 
two  miles  beyond  Jonesville;  they  had  had  'em  so 
fast,  they  had  used  up  all  the  nearer  places.  They 
had  heard  of  this  family,  who  had  a  big  house,  and 
the  women  had  been  to  the  same  meetin'  house 
with  Betsey  Bobbet  two  or  three  times,  and  she  had 
met  her  in  a  store  a  year  before,  and  had  been  intro 
duced  to  her,  so  she  said  she  felt  perfectly  free  to  go. 
And  as  she  was  the  leader  it  was  decided  on.  They 
went  in  two  big  loads,  but  Josiah  and  I  went  in  a  cut 
ter  alone. 

We  got  started  ahead  of  the  loads,  and  when  we  got 
to  the  house  we  see  it  was  lit  up  real  pleasant,  and  a 
little  single  cutter  stood  by  the  gate.  We  went  up  to 
the  door  and  knocked,  and  a  motherly  lookin'  woman 
with  a  bunch  of  catnip  in  her  hand,  came  to  the  door. 

"  Good  evenin',"  says  I,  but  she  seemed  to  be  a  lit 
tle  deaf,  and  didn't  answer,  a,nd  I  see,  as  we  stepped 
in,  through  a  door  partly  open,  a  room  full  of  women. 

"  Good  many  have  got  here,"  says  I  a  little  louder. 

"  Yes,  a  very  good  doctor,"  says  she. 

"What  in  the  world!" — I  begun  to  say  in  wild 
amaze. 

«  No,  it  is  a  boy." 

I  turned  right  round,  and  laid  holt  of  Josiah  ;  says 


UPSET  IN  THE  SNOW.  4:0 

I,  "  Start  this  minute,  Josiah  Allen,  for  the  door."  I 
laid  holt  of  him,  and  got  him  to  the  door,  and  we  never 
spoke  another  word  till  we  was  in  the  sleigh,  and  turned 
round  towards  home  ;  then  says  I, 

"  Mebby  you'll  hear  to  me,  another  time,  Josiah. 

"  I  wish  you  wouldn't  be  so  agravatin',"  says  he. 

Jest  then  we  met  the  first  load,  where  Tirzah  Ann 
and  Thomas  Jefferson  was,  and  we  told  'em  to  "  turn 
round,  for  they  couldn't  have  us,  they  had  other  com 
pany."  So  they  turned  round.  "We  had  got  most 
back  to  Jonesville,  when  we  met  the  other  load  ;  they 
had  tipped  over  in  the  snow,  and  as  we  drove  out  most 
to  the  fence  to  get  by  'em,  Josiah  told  'em  the  same 
we  had  the  other  load. 

Says  Betsey  Bobbet,  risin'  up  out  of  the  snow  with 
a  buffalo  skin  on  her  back,  which  made  her  look  wild, 

"  Did  they  say  we  must  not  come  ?" 

"  No,  they  didn't  say  jest  that,"  says  Josiah.  "  But 
they  don't  want  you." 

"Wall  then,  my  deah  boys  and  girls,"  says  she, 
scramblin'  into  the  sleigh.  "  Let  us  proceed  onwards, 
if  they  did  not  say  we  should  not  come." 

Her  load  went  on,  for  her  brother,  Shakespeare 
Bobbet,  was  the  driver.  How  they  got  along  I  haint 
never  enquired,  and  they  don't  seem  over  free  to  talk 
about  it.  But  they  kep'  on  havin'  'em,  most  every 
night.  Betsey  Bobbet  as  I  said  was  the  leader,  and 
she  led  'em  once  into  a  house  where  they  had  the  small 


50  A  PEACEFUL  EVENING  AT  HOME. 

pox,  and  once  where  they  was  makin'  preparations  foi 
a  funeral.  Somehow  Tirzah  and  Thomas  Jefferson 
seemed  to  be  sick  of  'em,  and  as  for  Josiah,  though  ha 
didn't  say  much,  I  knew  he  felt  the  more. 

This  coinsidense  took  place  on  Tuesday  night,  and 
the  next  week  a  Monday  I  had  had  a  awful  day's  work 
a  washing  and  we  had  been  up  all  night  the  night  be 
fore  with  Josiah,  who  had  the  new  ralegy  in  his  back. 
We  hadn't  one  of  us  slept  a  wink  the  night  before,  and 
Thomas  Jefferson  and  Tirzah  Ann  had  gone  to  bed 
early.  It  had  been  a  lowery  day,  and  I  couldn't  hang 
out  my  calico  clothes,  and  so  many  of  'em  was  hung 
round  the  kitchen  on  lines  and  clothes  bars,  and  nails, 
that  Josiah  and  I  looked  as  if  we  was  a  settin'  in  a  wet 
calico  tent.  And  what  made  it  look  still  more  melan 
choly  and  sad,  I  found  when  I  went  to  light  the  lamp, 
that  the  kerosene  was  all  gone,  and  bein'  out  of  can 
dles,  I  made  for  the  first  time  what  they  call  a  "  slut," 
which  is  a  button  tied  up  in  a  rag,  and  put  in  a  saucer 
of  lard ;  you  set  fire  to  the  rag,  and  it  makes  a  light 
that  is  better  than  no  light  at  all,  jest  as  a  slut  is  better 
than  no  woman  at  all ;  I  suppose  in  that  way  it  derived 
its  name.  But  it  haint  a  dazzlin'  light,  nothin'  like 
so  gay  and  festive  as  gas. 

I,  beat  out  with  work  and  watchin',  thought  I  would 
soak  my  feet  before  I  went  to  bed,  and  so  I  put  some 
water  into  the  mop  pail,  and  sot  by  the  stove  with  my 
feet  in  it.  The  thought  had  come  to  me  after  I  got 


OUR  HAPPINESS  INTERRUPTED.  51 

my  night-cap  on.  Josiah  sot  behind  the  stove,  rubbm 
some  linament  onto  his  back ;  he  had  jest  spoke  to  me, 
and  says  he, 

"  I  believe  this  linament  makes,  my  back  feel  easier, 
Samantha,  I  hope  I  shall  get  a  little  rest  to-night." 

Says  I,  "  I  hope  so  too,  Josiah."  And  jest  as  I  said 
the  words,  without  any  warning  the  door  opened,  and 
in  come  what  seemed  to  me  at  the  time  to  be  a  hun 
dred'  and  50  men,  wimmen,  and  children,  headed  by 
Betsey  Bobbet. 

Josiah,  so  wild  with  horror  and  amazement  that  he 
forget  for  the  time  bein'  his  lameness,  leaped  from  his 
chair,  and  tore  so  wildly  at  his  shirt  that  he  tore  two 
pieces  right  out  of  the  red  flannel,  and  they  shone  on 
each  shoulder  of  his  white  shirt  like  red  stars  ;  he  then 
backed  up  against  the  wall  between  the  back  door  and 
the  wood  box.  I  rose  up  and  stood  in  the  mop  pail, 
too  wild  with  amaze  to  get  out  of  it,  for  the  same  rea 
son  heedin'  not  my  night-cap. 

"  We  have  come  to  suprize  you,"  says  Betsey  Bob- 
bet,  sweetly. 

I  looked  at  'em  in  speechless  horror,  and  my  tongue 
clove  to  the  roof  of  my  mouth ;  no  word  did  I  speak, 
but  I  glared  at  'em  with  looks  which  I  suppose  filled 
'em  with  awe  and  dread,  for  Betsey  Bbbbet  spoke  again 
in  plaintive  accents, 

"  "Will  you  not  let  us  suprize  you  1" 


52  FEARFUL  EXCITEMENT  OF  JOSIAH. 

Then  I  found  voice,  and  "  No  !  no !"  says  I  wildly. 
"  I  won't  be  suprized  !  you  sha'n't  suprize  us  to-niglit ! 
We  won't  be  suprized !  Speak,  Josiah,"  says  I,  ap- 
pealin'  to  him  in  my  extremity.  "  Speak  !  tell  her  ! 
will  we  be  suprized  to-night?" 

"  ~No  !  no  !"  says  he  in  firm,  decided,  warlike  tones, 
as  he  stood  backed  up  against  the  wall,  holdin'  his 
clothes  on — -with  his  red  flannel  epaulettes  on  his  shoul 
ders  like  a  officer,  "  no,  we  won't  be  suprized  !" 

"'You  see,  deah  friends,"  says  she  to  the  crowd, 
"  she  will  not  let  us  suprize  her,  we  will  go."  But 
she  turned  at  the  door,  and  says  she  in  reproachful  ac 
cents,  "  May  be  it  is  right  and  propah  to  serve  a  old 
friend  and  neighbah  in  this  way — I  have  known  you  a 
long  time,  Josiah  Allen's  wife." 

"  I  have  known  you  plenty  long  enough,"  says  I, 
steppin'  out  of  the  pail,  and  shettin'  the  door  pretty 
hard  after  'em. 

Josiah  carne  from  behind  the  stove  pushin'  a  chair 
in  front  of  him,  and  says  he, 

"  Darn  suprize  parties,  and  darn— 

"  Don't  swear,  Josiah,  I  should  think  you  was  bad 
enough  off  without  swearin'-" 

"I  will  darn  Betsey  Bobbet,  Samantha.  Oh,  my 
back !"  he  groanod,  settin'  down  slowly,  "  I  can't  set 
down  nor  stand  up." 

"  You  jumped  up  lively  enough,  when  they  come 
in,"  says  I. 


THE  EDITOR'S  SURPRIZE.  55 

"  Throw  that  in  my  face,  will  you  ?  What  could  I 
du  ?  And  there  is  a  pin  stickin'  into  my  shoulder,  do 
get  it  out,  Samantha,  it  has  been  there  all  the  time, 
only  I  haint  sensed  it  till  now." 

"Wall,"  says  I  in  a  kinder,  soothin  tone,  drawin'  it 
out  of  his  shoulder,  where  it  must  have  hurt  awfully, 
only  he  hadn't  felt  it  in  his  greater  troubles — "  Less 
be  thankful  that  we  are  as  well  off  as  we  be.  Betsey 
might  have  insisted  on  stopin'.  I  will  rub  your  shoul 
ders  with  the  linament,  and  I  guess  you  will  feel  bet 
ter  ;  do  you  suppose  they  will  be  mad  ?" 

"I  don't  know,  nor  I  don't  care,  but  I  hope  so," 
says  he. 

And  truly  his  wish  come  to  pass,  for  Betsey  was 
real  mad ;  the  rest  didn't  seem  to  mind  it.  But  she 
was  real  short  to  me  for  three  days.  "Which  shows  it 
makes  a  difference  with  her  who  does  the  same  thing, 
for  they  went  that  night  right  from  here  to  the  Edi 
tor  of  the  Augur's.  And  it  come  straight  to  me  from 
Celestine  Wilkins,  who  was  there,  that  he  turned  'em 
out  doors,  and  shet  the  door  in  their  faces. 

The  way  it  was,  his  hired  girl  had  left  him  that 
very  day,  and  one  of  the  twins  was  took  sick  with 
wind  colic.  He  had  jest  got  the  sick  baby  to  sleep, 
and  laid  it  in  the  cradle,  and  had  gin  the  little  weL 
one  some  playthings,  and  set  her  down  on  the  carpet, 
and  he  was  washin5  the  supper  dishes,  with  his  shirt 
sleeves  rolled  up,  and  a  pink  bib-apron  on  that  belonged 


56  HOW  IT  CAME  ABOUT. 

to  his  late  wife.  They  said  he  had  jest  finished,  and 
was  wringin'  out  his  dishcloth,  when  he  heard  a  awful 
screamin'  from  the  well  twin,  and  he  rushed  out  with 
his  dishcloth  hangin'  over  his  arm,  and  found  that  she 
had  swallowed  a  side- thimble  ;  he  ketched  her  up,  and 
spatted  her  back,  and  the  thimble  flew  out  half  way 
across  the  floor.  She  screamed,  and  held  her  breath, 
and  the  sick  one  waked  up,  and  sot  up  in  the  cradle 
and  screamed  fearfully,  and  jest  then  the  door  bust 
open,  and  in  come  the  suprize  party  headed  by  Betsey 
Bobbet.  They  said  that  he,  half  crazy  as  he  was,  told 
Betsey  that  "  if  she  didn't  head  'em  off  that  minute, 
he  would  prosecute  the  whole  of  'em."  Some  of  'em 
was  mad  about  it,  he  acted  so  threat'nin',  but  Betsey 
wasn't,  for  in  the  next  week's  Augur  these  verses 
came  out: 

IT   IS   SWEET  TO   FOKGFVE. 

It  is  sweet  to  be — it  is  sweet  to  live, 
But  sweeteh  the  sweet  word  "  forgive  ;  " 
If  harsh,  loud  words  should  spoken  be, 
Say  "  Soul  be  calm  they  come  from  he — 
When  he  was  wild  with  toil  and  grief, 
When  colic  could  not  find  relief; 
Such  woe  and  cares  should  have  sufficed, 
Then,  he  should  not  have  been  surprized. 

When  twins  are  well,  and  the  world  looks  bright, 

To  be  surprized,  is  sweet  and  right, 

But  when  twins  are  sick,  and  the  world  looks  sad, 

To  be  surprized  is  hard  and  bad, 

And  when  side  thimbles  swallowed  be, 


A  SELF-SACRIFICIN'  FEMALE.  57 

How  can  the  world  look  sweet  to  he — 

Who  owns  the  twin — faih  babe,  heaven  bless  it, 

Who  hath  no  own  motheh  to  caress  it. 

Its  own  motheh  hath  sweetly  gone  above, 

Oh  how  much  it  needs  a  motheh's  love. 

My  own  heart  runs  o'er  with  tenderness, 

But  its  deah  father  tries  to  do  his  best, 

But  housework,  men  can't  perfectly  understand, 

Oh  !  how  he  needs  a  helping  hand. 

Ah  !  when  twins  are  sick  and  hired  girls  have  flown, 

It  is  sad  for  a  deah  man  to  be  alone. 


A  DAY  OF  TROUBLE. 


SUGEEIK'  time  come  pretty  late  this  year,  and  I 
told  Josiah,  that  I  didn't  believe  I  should  have  a 
better  time  through  the  whole  year,  to  visit  his  folks,  and 
mother  Smith,  than  I  should  now  before  we  begun  to 
make  sugar,  for  I  knew  no  soo  ,3r  had  I  got  that  out 
of  the  way,  than  it  would  be  time  to  clean  house, 
and  make  soap.  And  then  when  the  dairy  work 
come  on,  I  knew  I  never  should  get  off.  So  I  went. 
But  never  shall  I  forget  the  day  I  got  back.  I  had 
been  gone  a  week,  and  the  childern  bein'  both  off  to 
school,  Josiah  got  along  alone.  I  have  always  said, 
and  I  say  still,  that  I  had  jest  as  lives  have  a  roarin' 
lion  do  my  housework,  as  a  man.  Every  thing  that 
could  be  bottom  side  up  in  the  house,  wras. 

I  had  a  fortnights  washin'  to  do,  the  house  to  clean 
up,  churnin'  to  do,  and  bakin' ;  for  Josiah  had  eat  up 
everything  slick  and  clean,  the  buttery  shelves  looked 
like  the  dessert  of  Sarah.  Then  I  had  a  batch  of 

maple  sugar  to  do  off,  for  the  trees  begun  to  run  after 

58 


A  VIEW  OF  WOMAN'S  DUTIES  59 

I  went  away  and  Josiah  had  syrnped  off — and  some 
preserves  to  make,  for  his  folks  had  gin  me  some 
pound  sweets,  and  they  was  a  spilein'.  So  it  seemed 
as  if  everything  come  that  day,  besides  my  common 
housework — and  well  doth  the  poet  say — "That  a 
woman  never  gets  her  work  done  up,"  for  she  don't. 

Now  when  a  man  ploughs  a  field,  or  runs  up  a  line 
of  figgers,  or  writes  a  serming,  or  kills  a  beef  critter, 
there  it  is  done — no  more  to  be  done  over.  But  spo- 
sen  a  woman  washes  up  her  dishes  clean  as  a  fiddle, 
no  sooner  does  she  wash  'em  up  once,  than  she  has  to, 
right  over  and  over  agin,  three  times  three  hundred 
and  65  times  every  year.  And  the  same  with  the 
rest  of  her  work,  blackin'  stoves,  and  fillin'  lamps, 
and  washin'  and  moppin'  floors,  and  the  same  with 
cookin'.  Why  jest  the  idee  of  paradin'  out  the  table 
and  teakettle  3  times  3  hundred  and  65  times  every 
year  is  enough  to  make  a  woman  sweat.  And  then  to 
think  of  all  the  cookin'  utensils  and  ingredients — why 
if  it  wuzzn't  for  principle,  no  woman  could  stand  the 
idee,  let  alone  the  labor,  for  it  haint  so  much  the  mus- 
sle  she  has  to  lay  out,  as  the  strain  on  her  mind. 

Now  last  Monday,  no  sooner  did  I  get  my  hands 
into  the  suds  holt  of  one  of  Josiah' s  dirty  shirts,  than 
the  sugar  would  mount  up  in  the  kettle  and  sozzle 
over  on  the  top  of  the  furnace  in  the  summer  kitchen 
— or  else  the  preserves  would  swell  up  and  drizzle 
over  the  side  of  the  pan  on  to  the  stove — or  else  the 


60  THE  TROUBLE  BEGINS. 

puddin'  I  was  a  bakin'  for  dinner  would  show  signs  of 
scorchin',  and  jest  as  I  was  in  the  heat  of  the  warfare, 
as  you  may  say,  who  should  drive  up  but  the  Editor 
of  the  Agur.  He  was  a  goin'  on  further,  to  engage  a 
hired  girl  he  had  hearn  of,  and  on  his  way  back,  he 
was  goiii'  to  stop  and  read  that  poetry,  and  eat  some 
maple  sugar ;  and  he  wanted  to  leave  the  twins  till 
he  come  back. 

Says  he,  "  They  won't  be  any  trouble  to  you,  will 
they  ?"  I  thought  of  the  martyrs,  and  with  a  appear 
ance  of  outward  composure,  I  answered  him  in  a  sort 
of  blind  way  ;  but"  I  won't  deny  that  I  had  to  keep  a 
sayin',  John  Rogers !  John  Rogers '  over  to  myself 
all  the  time  I  was  ondoin'  of  'em,  or  I  should  have 
said  somethin'  I  was  sorry  for  afterwards.  The  poe 
try  woried  me  the  most,  I  won't  deny. 

After  the  father  drove  off,  the  first  dive  the  big 
gest  twin  made  was  .at  the  clock,  he  crep'  up  to  that, 
and  broke  off  the  pendulum,  so  it  haint  been  since, 
while  I  was  a  hangin'  thier  cloaks  in  the  bedroom. 
And  while  I  was  a  puttin'  thier  little  oversocks  under 
the  stove  to  dry,  the  littlest  one  clim'  up  and  sot  down 
in  a  pail  of  maple  syrup,  and  while  I  was  a  wringin' 
him  out,  the  biggest  one  dove  under  the  bed,  at  Josi- 
ah's  tin  trunk  where  he  keeps  a  lot  of  old  papers,  and 
come  a  creepin'  out,  drawin'  it  after  him  like  a  hand- 
sled.  There  was  a  gography  in  it,  and  a  Fox'es  book 
of  martyrs,  and  a  lot  of  other  such  light  reading'  and 


BETSEY  AND  THE  TWINS.  61 

I  let  the  twins  have  'em  to  recreate  themselves  on, 
and  it  kep  'em  still  most  a  minute. 

I  hadn't  much  more'n  got  my  eye  offen  that  Fox'es 
book  of  Martyrs — when  there  appeared  before  'em  a 
still  more  mournful  sight,  it  was  Betsey  Bobbet  come 
to  spend  the  day. 

I  murmured  dreamily  to  myself  "  John  Rogers  " — 
But  that  didn't  do,  I  had  to  say  to  myself  with  firm 
ness — "  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  haint  you  ashamed  of 
yourself,  what  are  your  sufferin's  to  John  Roger'ses  ? 
Think  of  the  agony  of  that  man — think  of  his  9  chil 
dren  follerin'  him,  and  the  one  at  the  breast,  what  are 
your  sufferin's  compared  to  his'en?"  Then  with  a 
brow  of  calm  I  advanced  to  meet  her.  I  see  she  had 
got  over  bein'  mad  about  the  surprise  party,  for  she 
smiled  on  me  once  or  twice,  and  as  she  looked  at  the 
twins,  she  smiled  2  times  on  each  of  'em,  which  made 
4  and  says  she  in  tender  tones, 

"You  deah  little  motherless  things."  Then  she 
tried  to  kiss  'em.  But  the  biggest  one  gripped  her  by 
her  false  hair,  which  was  flax,  and  I  should  think  by  a 
careless  estimate,  that  he  pulled  out  about  enough  to 
make  half  a  knot  of  thread.  The  little  one  didn't  do 
much  harm,  only  I  think  he  loosened  her  teeth  a  little, 
he  hit  her  pretty  near  the  mouth,  and  I  thought  as 
she  arose  she  slipped  'em  back  in  thier  place.  But  she 
only  said, 

"  Sweet !  sweet  little  things,  how  ardent  and  im 
pulsive  they  are,  so  like  thier  deah  Pa." 


62  A  SOOTHIN'  POULTICE. 

She  took  out  her  work,  and  says  she,  "  I  have  come 
to  spend  the  day.  I  saw  thier  deah  Pa  bringin'  the 
deah  little  twins  in  heah,  aud  I  thought  maybe  I 
could  comfort  the  precious  little  motherless  things 
some,  if  I  should  come  over  heah.  If  there  is  any 
object  upon  the  earth,  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  that  appeals 
to  a  feelin'  heart,  it  is  the  sweet  little  children  of  wid 
owers.  I  cannot  remember  the  time  when  I  did  not 
want  to  comfort  them,  and  thier  deah  Pa's.  I  have 
always  felt  that  it  was  woman's  highest  'speah,  her 
only  mission  to  soothe,  to  cling,  to  smile,  to  coo.  I 
have  always  felt  it,  and  for  yeah's  back  it  has  been  a 
growin'  on  me.  I  feel  that  you  do  not  feel  as  I  do  in 
this  matter,  you  do  not  feel  that  it  is  woman's  greatest 
privilege,  her  crowning  blessing,  to  soothe  lacerations, 
to  be  a  sort  of  a  poultice  to  the  noble,  manly  breast 
when  it  is  torn  with  the  cares  of  life." 

This  was  too  much,  in  the  agitated  frame  of  mind  I 
then  was. 

"  Am  I  a  poultice  Betsey  Bobbet,  do  I  look  like 
one  ? — am  I  in  the  condition  to  be  one  ?  "  I  cried  turn- 
in'  my  face,  red  and  drippin'  with  prespiratiori  towards 
her,  and  then  attacked  one  of  Josiah's  shirt  sleeves 
agin.  "  What  has  my  sect  done  "  says  I,  as  I  wildly 
rubbed  his  shirt  sleeves,  "  That  they  have  got  to  be 
lacerator  soothers,  when  they  have  got  everything  else 
under  the  sun  to  do  ?"  Here  I  stirred  down  the  pre 
serves  that  was  a  runnin'  over,  and  turned  a  pail  full 


AN  ARGUMENT  WITH  BETSEY.  63 

of  syrup  into  the  sugar  kettle.  "  Everybody  says  that 
men  are  stronger  than  women,  and  why  should  they 
be  treated  as  if  they  was  glass  china,  liable  to  break 
all  to  pieces  if  they  haint  handled  careful.  And  if 
they  have  got  to  be  soothed,"  says  I  in  an  agitated 
tone,  caused  by  my  emotions  (and  by  pumpin'  6  pails 
of  water  to  fill  up  the  biler),  "  Why  don't  they  get 
men  to  sooth'em  ?  They  have  as  much  agin  time  as 
wimmen  have;  evenin's  they  don't  have  anything  else 
to  do,  they  might  jest  as  well  be  a  soothin'  each  other 
as  to  be  a  hangm'  round  grocery  stores,  or  settin'  by 
the  fire  whittlin'." 

I  see  I  was  frightenin'  her  by  my  delerious  tone  and 
1  continued  more  mildly,  as  I  stirred  down  the  strug- 
glin'  sugar  with  one  hand — removed  a  cake  from  the 
oven  with  the  other — watched  my  apple  preserves 
with  a  eagle  vision,  and  listened  intently  to  the  voice 
of  the  twins,  who  was  playin'  in  the  woodhouse. 

"  I  had  jest  as  soon  soothe  lacerations  as  not,  Bet 
sey,  if  I  hadn't  everything  else  to  do.  1  had  jest  as 
lives  set  down  and  smile  at  Josiah  by  the  hour,  but 
who  would  fry  him  nut  cakes  ?  I  could  smoothe 
down  his  bald  head  affectionately,  but  who  would  do, 
off  this  batch  of  sugar  ?  I  could  coo  at  him  day  in 
and  day  otft,  but  who  would  skim  milk — wash  pans — 
get  vittles — wash  and  iron — and  patch  and  scour — and 
darn  and  fry — and  make  and  mend — and  bake  and  bile 
while  I  was  a  cooin',  tell  me  ? "  says  I. 

Betsey  spoke  not,  but  quailed,  and  I  continued — 


64  I  PREACH  AND  PRACTICE. 

"  Women  haint  any  stronger  than  men,  naturally ; 
thier  backs  and  thier  nerves  haint  made  of  any  stouter 
timber ;  their  hearts  are  jest  as  liable  to  ache  as  men's 
are ;  so  with  thier  heads ;  and  after  doin'  a  hard  day's 
work  when  she  is  jest  ready  to  drop  down,  a  little 
smilin'  and  cooin'  would  do  a  woman  jest  as  much 
good  as  a  man.  Not  what,"  I  repeated  in  the  firm 
tone  of  principle  "  Not  but  what  I  am  willin'  to  coo, 
if  I  only  had  time." 

A  pause  enshued  durin'  which  I  bent  over  the  wash- 
tub  and  rubbed  with  all  my  might  on  Josiah' s  shirt 
sleeve.  I  had  got  one  sleeve  so  I  could  see  streaks  of 
white  in  it,  (Josiah  is  awful  hard  on  his  shirt  sleeves), 
and  I  lifted  up  my  face  and  continued  in  still  more 
reesonable  tones,  as  I  took  out  my  rice  puddin'  and 
cleaned  out  the  bottom  of  the  oven,  (the  pudden  had 
run  over  and  was  a  scorchin'  on),  and  scraped  the 
oven  bottom  with  a  knife, 

"  Now  Josiah  Allen  will- go  out  into  that  lot,"  says 
I,  glancein'  out  of  the  north  window  "  and  plough 
right  straight  along,  furrow  after  furrow,  no  sweat  of 
mind  about  it  at  all ;  his  mind  is  in  that  free  calm  state 
that  he  could  write  poetry." 

"  Speaking  of  poetry,  reminds  me,"  said  Betsey,  and 
I  see  her  hand  go  into  her  pocket ;  I  knew  what  was 
a  comin',  and  I  went  on  hurriedly,  wavin'  off  what  I 
knew  must  be,  as  long  as  I  could.  "  Now,  I,  a  work- 
in'  jest  as  hard  as  he  accordin'  to  my  strength,  and 


BETSEY  ASKS  MY  ADVICE.  65 

havin'  to  look  40  ways  to  once,  and  40  different  strains 
on  my  mind,  now  tell  me  candidly,  Betsey  Bobbet, 
which  is  in  the  best  condition  for  cooin',  Josiah  Allen 
or  me?  but  it  haint  expected  of  him,"  says. I  in  agi 
tated  tones,  "  I  am  expected  to  do  all  the  smilin'  and 
cooin'  there  is  done,  though  you  know,"  says  I  sternly, 
"that  I  haint  no  time  for  it." 

"  In  this  poem,  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  is  embodied 
my  views,  which  are  widely  different  from  yours." 

I  see  it  was  vain  to  struggle  against  fate,  she  had  the 
poetry  in  her  hand.  I  rescued  the  twins  from  beneath 
a  half  a  bushel  of  beans  they  had  pulled  over  onto 
themselves — took  off  my  preserves  which  had  burnt 
to  the  pan  while  I  was  a  rescuin',  and  calmly  listened 
to  her,  while  I  picked  up  the  beans  with  one  hand, 
and  held  off  the  twins  with  the  other. 

"  There  is  one  thing  I  want  to  ask  your  advice 
about,  Josiah  Allen's  wife.  This  poem  is  for  the 
Jonesville  Augah.  You  know  I  used  always  to  write 
for  the  opposition  papah,  the  Jonesville  Gimlet,  but 
as  I  said  the  othah  day,  since  the  Editah  of  the 
Augah  lost  his  wife  I  feel  that  duty  is  a  drawing  of 
me  that  way.  Now  do  you  think  that  it  would  be 
any  more  pleasing  and  comforting  to  that  deah  Editah 
to  have  me  sign  my  name  Bettie  Bobbet — or  Betsey, 
as  I  always  have?"  And  loosin'  herself  in  thought 
she  murmured  dreamily  to  the  twins,  who  was  a  pull- 
in'  each  other's  hair  on  the  floor  at  her  feet — 


66  BETSEY  READS  HER  POEM. 

"  Sweet  little  mothahless  things,  you  couldn't  tell 
me,  could  you,  deahs,  how  your  deah  Pa  would  feel 
abdut  it  ?" 

Here  the  twins  laid  holt  of  each  other  so  I  had  to 
part  'em,  and  as  I  did  so  I  said  to  Betsey,  "  If  you 
haint  a  fool  you  will  hang  on  to  the  Betsey.  You 
can't  find  a  woman  nowadays  that  answers  to  her  true 
name.  I  expect,"  says  I  in  a  tone  of  cold  and  almost 
witherin'  sarcasm,  "  that  these  old  ears  will  yet  hear 
some  young  minister  preach  about  Johnnie  the  Bap 
tist,  and  Minnie  Magdalen.  Hang  on  to  the  Betsey  ; 
as  for  the  Bobbet,"  says  I,  lookin'  pityingly  on  her, 
"  that  will  hang  on  for  itself." 

I  was  too  well  bread  to  interrupt  her  further,  and  I 
pared  my  potatoes,  pounded  my  beefsteak,  and  ground 
my  coffee  for  dinner,  and  listened.  This  commenced 
also  as  if  she  had  been  havin'  a  account  with  Love, 
and  had  come  out  in  his  debt. 

OWED    TO   LOVE. 

Ah,  when  my  deah  future  companion's  heart  with  grief  is  rife, 
With  his  bosom's  smart,  with  the  cares  of  life, 
Ah,  what  higher,  sweeter,  bliss  could  be, 
Than  to  be  a  soothing  poultice  unto  he  ? 

And  if  he  have  any  companions  lost — if  they  from  earth  have  risen, 
Ah,  I  could  weep  tears  of  joy — for  the  deah  bliss  of  wiping  away  hisen; 
Or  if  he  (should  happen  to)  have  any  twins,  or  othah  blessed  little  ties, 
Ah,  how  willingly  on  the  altah  of  duty,  B.  Bobbet,  herself  would  sacrifice. 

I  would  (all  the  rest  of)  life  to  the  cold  winds  fling, 
And  live  for  love — and1  live  to  cling. 
Fame,  victuals,  away !  away  !  our  food  shall  be, 
His  smile  on  me — my  sweet  smile  on  he. 


I  GIVE  MY  OPINION.  67 

There  was  pretty  near  twenty  verses  of  'em,  and  as 
she  finished  she  said  to  me — 

""What  think  you  of  my  poem,  Josiah  Allen's 
wife  ?" 

"  Says  I,  fixin'  my  sharp  grey  eyes  upon  her  keenly, 
"  I  have  had  more  experience  with  men  than  you 
have,  Betsey ; "  I  see  a  dark  shadow  settlin'  on  her 
eye-brow,  and  I  hastened  to  apologise — "you  haint 
to  blame  for  it,  Betsey — we  all  know  you  haint  to 
blame." 

She  grew  cairn,  and  I  proceeded,  "  How  long  do 
you  suppose  you  could  board  a  man  on  clear  smiles, 
Betsey — you  jest  try  it  for  a  few  meals  and  you'd  find 
out.  I  have  lived  w^ith  Josiah  Allen  14  years,  and  I 
ought  to  know  somethin'  of  the  natur  of  man,  which 
is  about  alike  in  all  of  'em,  and  I  say,  and  I  contend 
for  it,  that  you  might  jest  as  well  try  to  cling  to  a  bear 
as  to  a  hungry  man.  After  dinner,  sentiment  would 
have  a  chance,  and  you  might  smile  on  him.  But 
then,"  says  I  thoughtfully,  "there  is  the  dishes  to 
wash." 

Jest  at  that  minute  the  Editor  of  the  Augur  stopped 
at  the  gate,  and  Betsey,  catchin'  up  a  twin  on  each 
arm,  stood  up  to  the  winder,  smilin'. 

He  jumped  out,  and  took  a  great  roll  of  poetry  out 
from  under  the  buggy  seat — I  sithed  as  I  see  it.  But 
fate  was  better  to  me  than  I  deserved.  For  Josiah 
was  jest  leadin'  the  horse  into  the  horse  barn,  when 


68  RETURN  OF  THE  EDITOR. 

the  Editor  happened  to  look  up  and  see  Betsey.  Jo- 

siali  says  he  swore — says  he  "the  d !"  I  won't 

say  what  it  was,  for  I  belong  to  the  meetin'  house,  but 
it  wasn't  the  Deity  though  it  begun  with  a  D.  He 
jumped  into  the  buggy  agin,  and  says  Josiah, 

"  You  had  better  stay  to  dinner,  my  wife  is  gettin' 
a  awful  good  one — and  the  sugar  is  most  done." 

Josiah  says  he  groaned,  but  he  only  said — 

"  Fetch  out  the  twins." 

Says  Josiah,  "  You  had  better  stay  to  dinner — you 
haint  got  no  women  folks  to  your  house — and  I  know 
what  it  is  to  live  on  pancakes,"  and  wantin'  to  have  a 
little  fun  with  him,  says  he,  "  Betsey  Bobbet  is  here," 

Josiah  says  he  swore  agin,  and  agin  says  he,  "  fetch 
out  the  twins."  And  he -looked  so  kind  o'  wild  and 
fearful  towards  the  door,  that  Josiah  started  off  on  the 
run. 

Betsey  was  determined  to  carry  one  of  the  twins 
out,  but  jest  at  the  door  he  tore  every  mite  of  hair 
offen  her  head,  and  she,  bein'  bald  naturally,  dropped 
him.  And  Josiah  carried  'em  out,  one  on  each  arm, 
and  he  drove  off  with  'em  fast.  Betsey  wouldn't  stay 
to  dinner  all  I  could  do  and  say,  she  acted  mad.  But 
one  sweet  thought  filled  me  with  such  joyful  emotion 
that  I  smiled  as  I  thought  of  it — I  shouldn't  have  to 
listen  to  any  more  poetry  that  day. 


THE   MINISTER'S   BEDQUILT. 


The  Baptists  in  our  neighborhood  have  been  piecen' 
up  a  bedquilt  for  their  minister.  He  has  preached 
considerable,  and  held  a  Sunday  school  to  our  school- 
house,  and  I  wasn't  goin'  to  have  any  bedquilts  done 
for  him  without  havin'  my  hand  in  it  to  help  it  along. 
I  despise  the  idee  of  folks  bein'  so  sot  on  their  own 
meetin'  housen.  Thier  is  enough  worldly  things  for 
neighbors  to  fight  about,  such  as  hens,  and  the  school- 
marm,  without  takin'  what  little  religion  they  have 
got  and  go  to  peltin'  each  other  with  it. 

Sposen  Baptists  do  love  water  better'n  they  do  dry 
land  ?  What  of  it  ?  If  my  Baptist  brethren  feel  any 
better  to  baptise  thierselves  in  the  Atlantic  ocian,  it 
haint  none  of  my  business.  Somehow  Josiah  seems 
to  be  more  sot  onto  his  own  meetin'  house  than  I  do. 
Thomas  Jefferson  said  when  we  was  a  arguin'  about 
it  the  mornin'  of  the  quiltin',  says  he,  "  The  more 
water  the  better,"  says  he,  "  it  would  do  some  of  the 


69 


70  NATURAL  EFFECTS  OF  QUILTINS. 

brethren  good  to  put  'em  asoak  and  let  'em  lay  over 
night." 

I  shet  him  up  pretty  quick,  for  I  will  not  counte 
nance  such  light  talk — .but  Josiah  laughed,  he  encour 
ages  that  boy  in  it,  all  I  can  do  and  say. 

I  always  make  a  pint  of  goiii'  to  quiltins  any  way, 
whether  I  go  on  Methodist  principle  (as  in  this  case) 
or  not,  for  you  can't  be  backbited  to  your  face,  that  is 
a  moral  certainty.  I  know  women  jest  like  a  book, 
for  I  have  been  one  quite  a  spell.  '  I  always  stand  up 
for  my  own  sect,  still  I  know  sartin  effects  foller  sar- 
tin  causes.  Such  as  two  bricks  bein'  sot  up  side  by 
side,  if  one  tumbles  over  on  to  the  other,  the  other 
can't  stand  up,  it  haint  natur.  If  a  toper  holds  a 
glass  ol  liquor  to  his  mouth  he  can't  help  swallowin' 
it,  it  haint  nater.  If  a  young  man  goes  out  slay- 
ridin'  with  a  pretty  girl,  and  the  buifalo  robe  slips  off, 
he  can't  help  holdin'  it  round  her,  it  haint  nater.  And 
quiltin'  jest  sets  women  to  slanderin'  as  easy  and  beau 
tiful  as  any  thing  you  ever  see.  I  was  the  first  one 
there,  for  reasons  I  have  named ;  I  always  go  early. 

I  hadn't  been  there  long  before  Mrs.  Deacon  Dob 
bins  came,  and  then  the  Widder  Tubbs,  and  then 
Squire  Edwards' es  wife  and  Maggie  Snow,  and  then 
the  Dagget  girls.  (We  call  'em  girls,  though  it  would 
be  jest  as  proper  to  call  mutton,  lamb.) 

Miss  Wilkins'  baby  had  the  mumps,  and  the  Peed- 
icks  and  Gowdey's  had  unexpected  company.  But 


DISPOSIN'  OF  OUR  NEIGHBORS.  71 

with  Miss  Jones  where  the  quiltin'  was  held,  and  her 
girls  Mary  Ann  and  Alzina,  we  made  as  many  as  could 
get  round  the  quilt  handy. 

The  quilt  was  made  of  different  kinds  of  calico;  all 
the  women  round  had  pieced  up  a  block  or  two,  and 
we  took  up  a  collection  to  get  the  battin'  and  linin' 
and  the  cloth  to  set  it  together  with,  which  was  turkey 
red,  and  come  to  quilt  it,  it  looked  well.  We  quilted 
it  herrin'  bone,  with  a  runnin'  vine  round  the  border. 

After  the  pathmaster  was  demorilized,  the  school 
teacher  tore  to  pieces,  the  party  to  Peedicks  scandal 
ized,  Sophronia  Gowdey's  charicter  broke  doun — and 
her  mother's  new  bunnet  pronounced  a  perfect  fright, 
and  twenty  years  too  young  for  her — and  Miss  Wil- 
kins'  baby  voted  a  unquestionable  idiot,  and  the  rest 
of  the  unrepresented  neighborhood  dealt  with,  Lucin- 
da  Dagget  spoke  up  and  says  she — 

"  I  hope  the  minister  will  like  the  bedquilt."  (Lu- 
cinda  is  the  one  that  studies  mathematics  to  harden 
her  mind,  and  has  the  Koman  nose.) 

"It  haint  no  ways  likely  he  will,"  says  her  sister 
Ophelia ;  (she  is  the  one  "that  frizzles  her  hair  on  top 
and  wears  spectacles.)  "  It  haint  no  ways  likely  he 
will — for  he  is  a  cold  man,  a  stun  statute." 

Now  you  see  I  set  my  eyes  by  that  minister,  if  he 
is  of  another  persuasion.  He  is  always  doin'  good  to 
somebody,  besides  preachin'  more  like  a  angel  than  a 
human  bein'.  I  can't  never  forget — and  I  don't  want 


72  HOW  THE  MINISTER  WAS  COURTED. 

to — liow  he  took  holt  of  my  hand,  and  how  his  voice 
trembled  and  the  tears  stood  in  his  eyes,  when  we 
thought  our  Tirzah  Ann  was  a  dyin'  — she  was  in  his 
Sunday  School  class.  There  is  some  lines  in  your  life 
you  can't  rub  out,  if  you  try  to  ever  so  hard.  And  I 
wasn't  goin'  to  set  still  and  hear  him  run  down.  It 
riled  up  the  old  Smith  blood,  and  when  that  is  riled, 
Josiah  says  lie  always  feels  that  it  is  best  to  take  his 
hat  and  leave,  till  it  settles.  I  spoke  right  up  and 
says  I — 

"  Lucky  for  him  he  was  made  of  stun  before  he  was 
married,  for  common  flesh  and  blood  would  have  gin' 
out  a  hundred  times,  chaste  round  by  the  girls  as  he 
was."  You  see  it  was  the  town  talk,  how  Ophelia 
Dagget  acted  before  he  was  married,  and  she  almost 
went  into  a  decline,  and  took  heaps  of  motherwort 
and  fetty. 

"  I  don't  know  what  you  mean,  Miss  Allen,"  says 
she,  turnin'  red  as  a  red  brick,  "  I  never  heard  of  his 
bein'  chaste,  I  knew  I  never  could  bear  the  sight  of 
him." 

"  The  distant  sight,"  says  Alzina  Jones. 

Ophelia  looked  so  mad  at  that,  that  I  don't  know 
but  she  would  have  pricked  her  with  her  quiltin' 
needle,  if  old  Miss  Dobbins  hadn't  spoke  up.  She  is 
a  fat  old  lady,  with  a  double  chin,  "mild  and  lovely 
as  Mount  Yernon's  sister.  She  always  agrees  with 
everybody.  Thomas  Jefferson  calls  her  "Woolen 


THE  MINISTER'S  WIFE.  78 

Apron  "  for  he  says  lie  heard  her  one  day  say  to  Miss 
Gowdy — "I  don't  like  woolen  aprons,  do  you  Miss 
Gowdy?" 

"  Why  yes,  Miss  Dobbin,  I  do." 

"  Well  so  do  I,"  says  she.  But  good  old  soul,  if  we 
was  all  such  peace  makers  as  she  is,  we  should  be 
pretty  sure  of  Heaven.  Though  Thomas  Jefferson 
says,  "if  Satan  should  ask  her  to  go  to  his  house,  she 
would  go,  rather  than  hurt  his  feelin's."  That  boy 
worrys  me,  I  don't  know  what  he  is  a  comin'  to. 

As  I  said,  she  looked  up  mildly  over  her  spectacles, 
and  nodded  her  purple  cap  ribbons  two  or  three  times, 
and  said  "yes,"  "jest  so,"  to  both  of  us.  And  then 
to  change  the  subject  says  she ; 

"  Has  the  minister's  wife  got  home  yet  ?" 

"  I  think  not,"  says  Maggie  Snow.  "  I  was  to  the 
village  yesterday,  and  she  hadn't  come  then." 

"  I  suppose  her  mother  is  well  off,"  says  the  Widder 
Tubbs,  "and  as  long  as  she  stays  there,  she  saves 
the  minister  five  dollars  a  week,  I  should  think  she 
would  stay  all  summer."  The  widder  is  about  as 
equinomical  a  woman  as  belongs  to  his  meetin  house. 

"  It  don't  look  well  for  her  to  be  gone  so  long," 
says  Lucinda  Dagget,  "  I  am  very  much  afraid  it  will 
make  talk." 

"Mebby  it  will  save  the  minister  five  dollars  a 
week,"  says  Ophelia,  "  as  extravagant  as  she  is  in 
dress,  as  many  as  four  silk  dresses  she  has  got,  and 


74:          ARRIVAL  OF  BETSEY  BOBBET. 

there's  Baptist  folks  as  good  as  she  is  that  hain't  got  but 
one — and  one  certain  Baptist  person  full  as  good  as 
she  is  that  hain't  got  any."  (Ophelia's  best  dress  is 
poplin.)  "  It  wont  take  her  long  to  run  out  the  min 
ister's  salary." 

"  She  had  her  silk  dresses  before  she  was  married, 
and  her  folks  were  wealthy,"  says  Mrs.  Squire  Ed 
wards. 

"  As  much  as  we  have  done  for  them,  and  are  still 
doing,"  says  Lucinda,  "it  seems  ungrateful  in  her  to 
wear  such  a  bunnet  as  she  wore  last  summer,  a  plain 
white  straw,  with  a  little  bit  of  ribbon  onto  it,  not 
a  flower  nor  a  feather,  it  looked  so  scrimped  and  stin 
gy,  I  have  thought  she  wore  it  on  purpose  to  mortify 
us  before  the  Methodists.  Jest  as  if  we  couldn't  af 
ford  to  dress  our  minister's  wife  as  well  as  they  did 
theirs." 

Maggie  Snow's  cheeks  was  a  getting  as  red  as  fire, 
and  her  eyes  began  to  shine,  jest  as  they  did  that  day 
she  found  some  boys  stonein'  her  kitten.  She  and  the 
minister's  wife  are  the  greatest  friends  that  ever  was. 
And  I  see  she  couldn't  hold  in  much  longer.  She 
was  jest  openin'  her  mouth  to  speak,  when  the  door 
opened  and  in  walked  Betsey  Bobbet. 

"  My  !  it  seems  to  me  you  are  late,  Betsey,  but  walk 
right  into  the  spare  bedroom,  and  take  off  your 
things." 

!  says  Betsey,  in  a  reckless  tone,   "  who 


BETSEY  UNDER  EXCITEMENT.  75 

cares  for  things !"  And  she  dropped  into  the  nearest 
rocking  chair  and  commenced  to  rock  herself  violently 
and  says  she  "  would  that  I  had  died  when  I  was  a  in 
fant  babe." 

"  Amen !"  whispered  Alzina  Jones,  to  Maggie 
Snow. 

Betsey  didn't  hear  her,  and  again  she  groaned  out, 
"Would  that  I  had  been  laid  in  yondeh  church  yard, 
before  my  eyes  had  got  open  to  depravity  and  wick 
edness." 

"  Do  tell  us  what  is  the  matter  Betsey,"  says  Miss 
Jones.. 

"  Yes  do,"  says  Miss  Deacon  Dobbins. 

"Matter  enuff,"  says  she,  "No  wondeh  there  is 
earthquakes  and  jars.  I  heard  the  news  jest  as  I 
came  out  of  our  gate,  and  it  made  me  weak  as  a  cat,  I 
had  to  stop  to  every  house  on  the  way  doun  heah,  to 
rest,  and  not  a  soul  had  heard  of  it,  till  I  told  'em. 
Such  a  shock  as  it  gave  me,  I  shant  get  over  it  for  a 
week,  but  it  is  just  as  I  always  told  you,  I  always  said 
the  minister's  wife  wasn't  any  too  good.  It  didn't 
surprise  me  not  a  bit." 

"  You  can't  tell  me  one  word  against  Mary  Morton 
that  I'll  believe,"  says  Maggie  Snow. 

"  You  will  admit  that  the  minister  went  North  last 
Tuesday,  wont  you." 

Seven  wimmin  spoke  up  at  once  and  said :  "  Yes, 

his  mother  was  took  sick,  and  telegraphed  for  him." 
4* 


76  THE  QUILTIN'  PARTY  OVERWHELMED. 

"  So  lie  said,"  said  Betsey  Bobbet,  "  so  he  said,  but 
1  believe  it  is  for  good." 

"  Oh  dear,"  shrieked  Ophelia  Dagget,  "  I  shall  faint 
away,  ketch  hold  of  me,  somebody." 

"  Ketch  hold  of  yourself,"  says  I  coolly,  and  then 
says  I  to  Betsey,  "  I  don't  believe  he  has  run  away  no 
more  than  I  believe  that  I  am  the  next  President  of 
the  United  States." 

"  Well,  if  he  is  not,  he  will  wish  he  had,  his  wife 
come  home  this  morning  on  the  cars. 

Four  wimmens  said  "  Did  she,"  two  said,  "  Do  tell," 
and  three  opened  their  mouths  and  looked  at  her 
speechlesss.  Amongst  these  last  was  Miss  Deacon 
Dobbins.  But  I  spoke  out  in  a  collected  manner, 
"What  of  it?" 

Says  she,  "  I  believe  the  poor,  deah  man  mistrusted 
it  all  out  and  run  away  from  trouble  and  disgrace 
brought  upon  him  by  that  female,  his  wife." 

"  How  dare  you  speak  the  word  disgrace  in  connec 
tion  with  Mary  Morton  ?"  says  Maggie  Snow. 

"  How  dare  I  ?"  says  Betsey.  "  Ask  Thomas  Jef 
ferson  Allen,  as  it  happened,  I  got  it  from  his  own 
mouth,  it  did  not  come  through  two  or  three." 

"  Got  what  ?"  says  I,  and  I  continued  in  pretty  cold 
tones,  "If  you  can  speak  the  English  language,  Bet 
sey  Bobbet,  and  have  got  sense  enough  to  tell  a  straight 
story,  tell  it  and  be  done  with  it,"  says  I.  "  Thomas 
Jefferson  has  been  to  Jonesville  ever  sense  inornin'." 


ASTOUNDING  DISCLOSURES.  79 

"  Yes,"  says  she,  "  and  he  was  coming  home,  jest  as 
I  started  for  heah,  and  he  stopped  by  our  gate,  and 
says  he,  '  Betsey,  I  have  got  something  to  tell  you.  I 
want  to  tell  it  to  somebody  that  can  keep  it,  it  ought 
to  be  kept,'  says  he ;  and  then  he  went  on  and  told  ; 
says  he, — i  The  minister's  wife  has  got  home,  and  she 
didn't  come  alone  neither.' ': 

"  Says  I,  what  do  you  mean  ?  He  looked  as  mys 
terious  as  a  white  ghost,  and  says  he,  '  I  mean  what  I 
say.'  Says  he,  <I  was  in  the  men's  room  at  the  depot 
this  morning,  and  I  heard  the  minister's  wife  in  the 
next  room  talking  to  some  body  she  called  Hugh,  you 
know  her  husband's  name  is  Charles.  I  heard  her 
tell  this  Hugh  that  she  loved  him,  loved  him  better 
than  the  whole  world ; '  and  then  he  made  me  promise 
not  to  tell,  but  he  said  he  heerd  not  only  one  kiss,  but 
fourteen  or  fifteen." 

u 'Now"  says  Betsey,  " what  do  you  think  of  that 
female?" 

"  Good  Heavens !"  cried  Ophelia  Dagget,  "  am  I  de 
ceived  ?  is  this  a  phantagory  of  the  brain  ?  have  I  got 
ears  ?  have  I  got  ears  ?"  says  she  wildly,  glaring  at  me. 

"  You  can  feel  and  see,"  says  I  pretty  short. 

"  Will  he  live  with  the  wretched  creature  ?"  contin 
ued  Ophelia,  "  no  he  will  get  a  divorcement  from  her, 
such  a  tender  hearted  man  too,  as  he  is,  if  ever  a  man 
wanted  a  comforter  in  a  tryin'  time,  he  is  the  man, 
and  to-morrow  I  will  go  and  comfort  him." 


80  THE  STORY  DISCUSSED. 

"Methinks  you  will  find  him  first,"  says  Betsey 
Bobbet.  "  And  after  he  is  found,  methinks  there  is  a 
certain  person  he  would  be  as  glad  to  see  as  he  would 
another  certain  person." 

"There  is  some  mistake,"  says  Maggie  Snow. 
"  Thomas  Jefferson  is  always  joking,"  and  her  face 
blushed  up  kinder  red  as  she  spoke  about  Thomas  J. 

I  don't  make  no  matches,  nor  break  none,  but  I  watch 
things  pretty  keen,  if  I  don't  say  much. 

"  It  was  a  male  man,"  says  Lucinda  Dagget,  "  else 
why  did  she  call  him  Hugh  ?  You  have  all  heerd  Elder 
Morton  say  that  his  wife  hadn't  a  relative  on  earth, 
except  a  mother  and  a  maiden  aunt.  It  couldn't  have 
been  her  mother,  and  it  couldn't  have  been  the  maid 
en  aunt,  for  her  name  was  Martha  instead  of  Hugh ; 
besides,"  she  continued,  (  she  had  so  hardened  her  mind 
with  mathematics  that  she  could  grapple  the  hardest 
fact,  and  floor  it,  so  to  speak,)  "  besides,  the  maiden 
aunt  died  six  months  ago,  that  settles  the  matter  con 
clusively,  it  was  not  the  maiden  aunt." 

:<  I  have  thought  something  was  on  the  Elders  mind, 
for  quite  a  spell,  I  have  spoke  to  sister  Gowdy  about 
it  a  number  of  times,"  then  she  kinder  rolled  up  her 
eyes  just  as  she  does  in  conference  meetin's,  and  says 
she,  "  it  is  an  awful  dispensation,  but  I  hope  he'll  turn 
it  into  a  means  of  grace,  I  hope  his  spiritual  strength 
will  be  renewed,  but  I  have  borryed  a  good  deal  of 


MAGGIE  SNOW  AN  UNBELIEVER.  81 

trouble  about  his  beiir  so  handsome,  I  have  noticed 
handsome  ministers  don't  turn  out  well,  they  most  al 
ways  have  somethin'  happen  to  'em,  sooner  or  later, 
but  I  hope  he'll  be  led." 

"I  never  thought  that  Miss  Morton  was  any 
too  good." 

"  Neither  did  I,"  said  Lucinda  Dagget. 

"  She  has  turned  out  jest  as  1  always  thought  she 
would,"  says  Ophelia,  "  and  I  think  jest  as  much  of 
her,  as  I  do  of  them  that  stand  up  for  her."  Maggie 
Snow  spoke  up  then,  jest  as  clear  as  a  bell  her  voice 
sounded.  She  hain't  afraid  of  anybody,  for  she  is 
Lawyer  Snow's  only  child,  and  has  been  to  Boston  to 
school.  Says  she  "  Aunt  Allen,"  she  is  a  little  related 
to  me  on  her  mother's  side.  "  Aunt  Allen,  why  is  iv 
as  a  general  rule,  the  worst  folks  are  the  ones  to  sus 
pect  other  people  of  bein'  bad." 

Says  I,  "Maggy,  they  draw  their  pictures  from 
memery,  they  think,  ;  now  if  /  had  that  opportunity  to 
do  wrong,  I  should  certainly  improve  it — and  so  of 
course  they  did.'  And  they  want  to  pull  down  other 
folks'es  reputations,  for  they  feel  as  if  their  own  good 
ness  is  in  a  totterin'  condition,  and  if  it  falls,  they 
want  somethin'  for  it  to  fall  on,  so  as  to  come  down 
easier  like." 

Maggy  Snow  laughed,  and  so  did  Squire  Edwards' 
wife,  and  the  Jones'es — but  Betsey  Bobbet,  and  the 
Dagget  girls  looked  black  as  Erobius.  And  says  Bet- 


82  WIMMEN  FLINGIN'  STUN& 

sey  Bobbet  to  me,  "  I  shouldn't  think,  Josiah  Allen's 
wife,  that  you  would  countenance  such  conduct." 

"  I  will  first  know  that  there  is  wrong  conduct," 
says  I — "  Miss  Morton's  face  is  just  as  innocent  as  a 
baby's,  and  I  hain't  a  goin'  to  mistrust  any  evil  out  of 
them  pretty  brown  eyes,  till  I  am  obleeged  to." 

"  Well,  you  will  have  to  believe  it,"  says  Ophelia 
Dagget — and  there  shall  be  somethin'  done  about  it  as 
sure  as  my  name  is  Ophelia  Dagget." 

"  Let  him  that  is  without  sin  amongst  you  cast  the 
first  stone,"  says  Miss  Squire  Edwards — a  better  Bap 
tist  women  never  lived  than  she  is. 

"  Yes,"  says  I  in  almost  piercen'  tones,  "  which  of 
us  is  good  enough  to  go  into  the  stun  business  ?  Even 
jV-pposin'  it  was  true,  which  I  never  will  believe  on 
earth,  which  of  us  could  stun  her  on  gospel  grounds  ? 
— who  will  you  find  that  is  free  from  all  kind  of  sin"  ? 
and  as  I  spoke,  remorseful  thoughts  almost  knocked 
against  my  heart,  how  I  had  scolded  Josiah  the  night 
before  for  goin'  in  his  stockin  feet. 

"  I  never  see  a  female  women  yet  that  I  thought  was 
perfect,  and  yet  how  willin'  they  are  to  go  to  handlin' 
these  stuns — why  wimmen  fling  enough  stuns  at  each 
other  every  day,  to  make  a  stun  wall  that  would  reach 
from  pole  to  pole." 

Just  at  this  minute  the  hired  girl  come  in,  and  said 
supper  was  on  the  table,  and  we  all  went  out  to  eat 
it.  Miss  Jones  said  there  wasn't  anything  on  the  ta- 


THE  MINISTER  ARRIVES.  83 

ble  fit  to  eat,  and  she  was  afraid  we  couldn't  make  out 
— but  it  was  a  splendid  supper,  fit  for  the  Zaar  of 
Rushy. 

We  hadn't  moren'  got  up  from  the  supper  table,  and 
got  back  into  the  parlor,  when  we  heard  a  knock  onto 
the  front  door,  and  Miss  Jones  went  and  opened  it, 
and  who  of  all  the  live  world  should  walk  in  but  the 
minister  !  The  faces  of  the  wimmen  as  he  entered  would 
have  been  a  study  for  Michael  Angelico,  or  any  of  them 
old  painters.  Miss  Jones  was  that  flustrated  that  she 
asked  him  the  first  thing  to  take  his  bunnet  off,  and 
then  she  bethought  herself,  and  says  she,  i  How's  your 
Ma  ? '  before  she  had  sat  him  a  chair  or  anything.  But 
he  looked  as  pleasant  and  composed  as  ever,  though 
his  eyes  kinder  laughed.  And  he  thanked  her  and 
told  her  he  left  his  mother  the  day  before  a  good  deal 
better,  and  then  he  turned  to  Maggy  Snow,  and  says 
he," 

"  I  have  come  after  you  Miss  Maggy,  my  wife  come 
home  this  mornin'  and  was  so  anxious  to  see  you  that 
I  told  her  as  I  had  business  past  your  house  this  after 
noon,  I  would  call  for  you  as  I  went  home,  and  your 
mother  told  me  you  were  here.  I  think  I  know  why 
she  wants  to  see  you  so  very  much  now.  She  is  so 
proud  of  our  boy,  she»can't  wait  till  — 

"  Your  boy,"  gasped  nine  wimmen  to  once. 

"  Yes,"  says  he  smilin'  more  pleasant  than  I  ever 
seen  him.  "  I  know  you  will  wish  me  joy,  we  have  a 


84  THE  MYSTERY  SOLVED. 

nice  little  boy,  little  Hugh,  for  my  wife  has  named 
him  already  for  her  father,  he  is  a  line  healthy  little 
fellow  almost  two  months  old." 

It  wouldn't  have  done  no  good  for  Michael  Angelica 
or  Mr.  Ruben,  to  have  been  there  then,  nor  none  of 
the  rest  of  them  we  read  about,  for  if  they  had  their 
palates' es  and  easels' es  all  ready,  they  never  could  have 
done  justice  to  the  faces  of  the  Dagget  girls,  and  Bet 
sey  Bobbet.  And  as  for  Miss  Deacon  Dobbins,  her 
spectacles  fell  off  unnoticed  and  she  opened  her  mouth 
so  wide,  it  was  very  doubtful  to  me  if  she  could  ever 
shut  it  again.  Magg/  Snow's  face  shone  like  a  Cher 
ubim,  and  as  for  me,  I  can  truly  say  I  was  happy 
enough  to  sing  the  Te  Deus. 


A  ALLEGORY  ON  WIMMEN'S  BIGHTS. 


ABOUT  a  couple  of  weeks  after  the  quiltin',Thomas 
Jefferson  said  to  Josiah,  one  Saturday  mornin', 

"Father,  can  I  have  the  old  mare  to  go  to  Jones- 
ville  to-night  ?" 

"  "What  do  you  want  to  go  to  Jonesville  for?"  said 
bis  father,  "  you  come  from  there  last  night." 

"'  There  is  goin'  to  be  a  lecture  on  wirnmin's  rights ; 
can  I  have  her,  father  ?" 

"  I  s'ppse  so,"  says  Josiah,  kinder  short,  and  after 
Thomas  J.  went  out,  Josiah  went  on — 

"  Wimmin's  rights,  wimmin's  rights,  I  wonder  how 
many  more  fools  are  goin1  a  caperin'  round  the  coun 
try  preachin'  'em  up — I  am  sick  of  wimmin's  rights,  I 
don't  believe  in  'em." 

This  riled  up  the  old  Smith  blood,  and  says  I  to  him 
with  a  glance  that  went  clear  through  to  the  back  side 
of  his  head — 

"  I  know  you  don't,  Josiah  Allen- — I  can  tell  a  man 
85 


S6  A  WOMAN'S  RIGHTS  MAN. 

that  is  for  wimmin's  rights  as  fur  as  I  can  see  'ein. 
There  is  a  free,  easy  swing  to  thier  walk — a  noble  look 
to  thier  faces — thier  big  hearts  and  soles  love  liberty 
and  justice,  and  bein'  free  themselves  they  want  every 
body  else  to  be  free  These  men  haint  jealous  of  a 
woman's  influence — haint  afraid  that  she  won't  pay 
him  proper  respect  if  she  haint  obleeged  to — and  they 
needn't  be  afraid,  for  these  are  the  very  men  that  wim- 
min  look  up  to,  and  worship, — and  always  will.  A 
good,  noble,  true  man  is  the  best  job  old  natur  ever 
turned  oft  her  hands,  or  ever  will — a  man,  that  would 
wipe  off  a  baby's  tears  as  soft  as  a  woman  could,  or 
"  die  with  his  face  to  the  foe." 

"  They  are  most  always  big,  noble-sized  men,  too," 
says  I,  with  another  look  at  Josiah  that  pierced  him 
like  a  arrow ;  (Josiah  don't  weigh  quite  one  hundred 
by  the  steelyards.) 

"  I  don't  know  as  J  am  to  blame,  Samantha,  for  not 
bein'  a  very  hefty  man." 

"  You  can  let  your  sole  grow,  Josiah  Allen,  by 
thinkin'  big,  noble-sized  thoughts,  and  I  believe  if  you 
did,  you  w^ould  weigh  more  by  the  steelyards." 

"  Wall,  I  don't  care,  Samantha,  I  stick  to  it,  that  I 
am  sick  of  wimmin's  rights ;  if  wimmin  would  take 
care  of  the  rights  they  have  got  now,  they  would  do 
better  than  they  do  do." 

Now  I  love  to  see  folks  use  reason  if  they  have  got 
any — and  I  won't  stand  no  importations  cast  on  to  my 


IDIOTS,  LUNATICS  AND  WIMMEN.  87 

sect — and  so  I  says  to  him  in  a  tone  of  cold  and  almost 
freezin'  dignity — 

"  What  do  you  mean,  Josiah  ?" 

"  I  mean  that  women  hain't  no  business  a  votin; ; 
they  had  better  let  the  laws  alone,  and  tend  to  thier 
housework.  The  law  loves  wimmin  and  protects 
'em." 

"  If  the  law  loves  wimmin  so  well,  why  don't  he 
give  her  as  much  wages  as  men  get  for  doin'  the  same 
work  ?  "Why  don't  he  give  her  half  as  much,  Josiah 
Allen  ?» 

Josiah  waved  off  my  question,  seemin'ly  not  notic- 
in'  of  it — and  continued  with  the  doggy  obstinacy  of 
his  sect — 

"  Wimmin  haint  no  business  with  the  laws  of  the 
country." 

"  If  they  haint  no  business  with  the  law,  the  law 
haint  no  business  with  them,"  says  I  warmly.  "  Of 
the  three  classes  that  haint  no  business  with  the  law- 
lunatics,  idiots,  and  wimmin — the  lunatics  and  idi 
ots  have  the  best  time  of  it,"  says  I,  with  a  great 
rush  of  ideas  into  my  brain  that  almost  lifted  up  the 
border  of  my  head-dress.  "  Let  a  idiot  kill  a  man ; 
1  What  of  it  ?'  says  the  law ;  let  a  luny  steal  a  sheep ; 
again  the  law  murmurs  in  a  calm  and  gentle  tone, 
1  What  of  it  ?  they  haint  no  business  with  the  law  and 
the  law  haint  no  business  with  them.'  But  let  one  of 
the  third  class.,  let  a  woman  steal  a  sheep,  does  the 


88  THE  WOMAN  SHEEP  STEALER. 

law  soothe  her  in  these  comfortin'  tones  ?  No,  it  thun 
ders  to  her,  in  awful  accents,  i  You  haint  no  business 
with  the  law,  but  the  law  has  a  good  deal  of  business 
with  you,  vile  female,  start  for  State's  prisen;  you 
haint  nothin'  at  all  to  do  with  the  law,  only  to  pay  all 
the  taxes  it  tells  you  to — embrace  a  license  bill  that  is 
ruinin'  your  husband — give  up  your  innocent  little 
children  to  a  wicked  father  if  it  tells  you  to — and  a 
few  other  little  things,  such  as  bein'  dragged  off  to 
prison  by  it — chained  up  for  life,  and  hung,  and  et 
cetery.' 5: 

Josiah  sot  motionless — and  in  a  rapped  eloquence  I 
went  on  in  the  allegory  way. 

"  'Methought  I, once  heard  the  words,'  sighs  the  fe 
male,  i  True  government  consists  in  the  consent  of  the 
governed  ;'  did  I  dream  them,  or  did  the  voice  of  a  lu- 
ny  pour  them  into  my  ear  ?' 

"•'  Haint  I  told  you,'  frouns  the  law  on  her,  *  that 
that  don't  mean  wimmin — have  I  got  to  explain  to 
your  weakened  female  comprehension  again,  the  great 
fundymental  truth,  that  wimmin  haint  included  and 
mingled  in  the  law  books  and  statutes  of  the  country 
only  in  a  condemnin'  and  punishin'  sense,  as  it  were. 
Though  I  feel  it  to  be  bendin'  down  my  powerful 
manly  dignity  to  elucidate  the  subject  further,  I  will 
consent  to  remind  you  of  the  consolin'  fact,  that  though 
you  wimmin  are,  from  the  tender  softness  of  your  na 
tures,  and  the  illogical  weakness  of  your  minds,  unfit 


THE  RIGHT  TO  BE  HUNG.  89 

from  ever  havin'  any  voice  in  makin'  the  laws  that 
govern  you ;  you  have  the  right,  and  nobody  can  ever 
deprive  you  of  it,  to  be  punished  in  a  future  world  jest 
as  hard  as  a  man  of  the  strongest  intellect,  and  to  be 
hung  in  this  world  jest  as  dead  as  a  dead  man ;  and 
what  more  can  you  ask  for,  you  unreasonable  female 
woman  you  ?' 

"  Then  groans  the  woman  as  the  great  fundymental 
truth  rushes  upon  her — 

" i  I  can  be  hung  by  the  political  rope,  but  I  can't 
help  twist  it.' 

"  '  Jest  so,'  says  the  law,  i  that  rope  takes  noble  and 
manly  fingers,  and  fingers  of  principle  to  twist  it,  and 
not  the  weak  unprincipled  grasp  of  lunatics,  idiots, 
and  wimmin.' 

"  '  Alas  !'  sithes  the  woman  to  herself,  c  would  that 
I  had  the  sweet  rights  of  my  wild  and  foolish  compan 
ions,  the  idiots  and  lunys.  But,'  says  she,  venturing 
with  a  beating  heart,  the  timid  and  bashful  inquiry, 
6  are  the  laws  always  just,  that  I  should  obey  them 
thus  implicitly  ?  There  is  old  Creshus,  he  stole  two 
millions,  and  the  law  cleared  him  triumphantly.  Sev 
eral  men  have  killed  various  other  men,  and  the  law 
insistin'  they  was  out  of  their  heads,  (had  got  out  of 
'em  for  the  occasion,  and  got  into  'em  agin  the  minute 
they  was  cleared,)  let  'em  off  with  sound  necks.  And 
T,  a  poor  woman,  have  only  stole  a  sheep,  a  small-sized 
sheep  too,  that  my  offspring  might  not  perish  with 


90  THE  RIGHT  TO  GO  TO  PRISON. 

hunger — is  it  right  to  liberate  in  a  triumphin'  way  the 
two  million  stealer  and  the  man  murderer,  and  inkar- 
cerate  the  poor  sheep  stealer?  and  my  children  was  so 
hungry,  and  it  was  such  a  small  sheep,'  says  the  wom 
an  in  pleadin'  accents. 

"  l  Idiots  !  lunatics  !  and  wimmin !  are  they  goin'  to 
speak  ?'  thunders  the  law.  *  Can  I  believe  my  noble 
right  ear  ?  can  I  bein'  blindfolded  trust  my  seventeen 
senses?  I'll  have  you  understand  that  it  haint  no 
woman's  business  whether  the  laws  are  just  or  unjust, 
all  you  have  got  to  do  is  jest  to  obey  'em,  so  start  off 
for  prison,  my  young  woman.' 

"  '  But  my  house-work,'  pleads  the  woman  ;  *  wom 
an's  place  is  home  :  it  is  her  duty  to  remain  at  all  haz 
ards  within  its  holy  and  protectin'  precincts  ;  how  can 
I  leave  its  sacred  retirement  to  moulder  in  State's 
prison  ?' 

"  i  House-work  !'  and  the  law  fairly  yells  the  words, 
he  is  so  filled  with  contempt  at  the  idee.  '  House 
work  !  jest  as  if  house-work  is  goin'  to  stand  in  the 
way  of  the  noble  administration  of  the  law.  I  admit 
the  recklessness  and  immorality  of  her  leavin'  that 
holy  haven,  long  enough  to  vote — but  I  guess  she  can 
leave  her  house-work  long  enough  to  be  condemned, 
and  hung,  and  so  forth.' 

"  '  But  I  have  got  a  infant,'  says  the  woman,  *  of  ten 
der  days,  how  can  I  go  ?' 

"  '  That  is  nothing  to  the  case,'  says  the  law  in  stern 


CONTEMPT  OF  COURT.  91 

tones.  '  The  peculiar  conditions  of  motherhood  only 
unfits  a  female  woman  from  ridin'  to  town  with  her 
husband,  in  a  covered  carriage,  once  a  year,  and  layin' 
her  vote  on  a  pole.  I'll  have  you  understand  it  is  no 
hindrance  to  her  at  all  in  a  cold  and  naked  cell,  or  in 
a  public  court  room  crowded  with  men.' 

u  <  But  the  indelikacy,  the  outrage  to  my  womanly 
nature  ?'  says  the  woman. 

"  i  Not  another  word  out  of  your  head,  young  wom 
an,'  says  the  law,  '  or  I'll  fine  you  for  contempt.  I 
guess  the  law  knows  what  is  indelikacy,  and  what 
haint ;  where  modesty  comes  in,  and  where  it  don't ; 
now  start  for  prison  bareheaded,  for  I  levy  on  your 
bunnet  for  contempt  of  me.' 

"  As  the  young  woman  totters  along  to  prison,  is  it 
any  wonder  that  she  sithes  to  herself,  but  in  a  low 
tone,  that  the  law  might  not  hear  her,  and  deprive  her 
also  of  her  shoes  for  her  contemptas  thoughts — 

"  "  Would  that  I  were  a  idiot ;  alas !  is  it  not  possible 
that  I  may  become  even  now  a  luny? — then  I  should 
be  respected.' " 

As  I  finished  my  allegory  and  looked  down  from 
the  side  of  the  house,  where  my  eyes  had  been  fastened 
in  the  rapped  eloquence  of  thought,  I  see  Josiah  with 
a  contented  countenance,  readin'  the  almanac,  and  I 
said  to  him  in  a  voice  before  which  he  quailed — 

"  Josiah  Allen,  you  haint  heard  a  word  I've  said, 
you  know  you  haint." 


92  RIGHT  TO  HANDLE  HOP  POLES. 

"  Yes  I  have,"  says  he,  shettin'  up  the  almanac ;  "  I 
heard  you  say  wimmin  ought  to  vote,  and  I  say  she 
hadn't.  I  shall  always  say  that  she  is  too  fraguile,  too 
delikate,  it  would  be  too  hard  for  her  to  go  to  the  pole." 

"  There  is  one  pole  you  are  willin'  enough  I  should 
go  to,  Josiah  Allen,"  and  I  stopped  allegorin',  and 
spoke  with  witherin'  dignity  and  self  respect — "  and 
that  is  the  hop  pole."  (Josiah  has  sot  out  a  new  hop 
yard,  and  he  proudly  brags  to  the  neighbors  that  I  am 
the  fastest  picker  in  the  yard.)  "You  are  willin' 
enough  I  should  handle  them  poles !"  He  looked  smit 
and  conscience  struck,  but  still  true  to  the  inherient 
principles  of  his  sect,  and  thier  doggy  obstinacy,  he 
murmured — 

"  If  wimmin  know  when  they  are  well  off,  they  will 
let  poles  and  'lection  boxes  alone,  it  is  too  wearin  for 
the  fair  sect." 

"  Josiah  Allen,"  says  I,  "  you  think  that  for  a  wom 
an  to  stand  up  straight  on  her  feet,  under  a  blazin' 
sun,  and  lift  both  her  arms  above  her  head,  and  pick 
seven  bushels  of  hops,  mingled  with  worms  and  spi 
ders,  into  a  gigantic  box,  day  in,  and  day  out,  is  awful 
healthy,  so  strength enin'  and  stimulatin'  to  wimmin, 
but  when  it  comes  to  droppin'  a  little  slip  ot  clean  pa 
per  into  a  small  seven  by  nine  box,  once  a  year  in  a 
shady  room,  you  are  afraid  it  is  goin'  to  break  down  a 
woman's  constitution  to  once." 

He  was  speechless,  and  clung  to  Ayer'es  almanac 
mechanically  (as  it  were)  and  1  continued — 


AN  ANTI  WIMMEN'S  RIGHTS  MAN.  93 

"  There  is  another  pole  you  are  willin'  enough  for 
me  to  handle,  and  that  is  our  cistern  pole.  If  you 
should  spend  some  of  the  breath  you  waste — in  pityin' 
the  poor  wimmin  that  have  got  to  vote — in  byin'  a 
pump,  you  would  raise  25  cents  in  my  estimation,  Jo- 
si  ah  Allen.  You  have  let  me  pull  on  that  old  cistern 
pole  thirteen  years,  and  get  a  ten  quart  pail  of  water 
on  to  the  end  of  it,  add  I  guess  the  political  pole 
wouldn't  draw  much  harder  than  that  does." 

"  I  guess  I  will  get  one,  Samantha,  when  I  sell  the 
old  critter.  I  have  been  a  calculatin'  to  every  year, 
but  things  will  kinder  run  along." 

"  I  am  aware  of  that,"  says  I  in  a  tone  of  dignity 
cold  as  a  lump  of  cold  ice.  "  I  am  aware  of  that.  You 
may  go  into  any  neighborhood  you  please,  and  if  there 
is  a  family  in  it,  where  the  wife  has  to  set  up  leeches, 
make  soap,  cut  her  own  kindlin*  wood,  build  fires  in 
winter,  set  up  stove-pipes,  dround  kittens,  hang  out 
clothes  lines,  cord  beds,  cut  up  pork,  skin  calves,  and 
hatchel  flax  with  a  baby  lashed  to  her  side — I  haint 
afraid  to  bet  you  a  ten  cent  bill,  that  that  womans 
husband  thinks  that  wimmin  are  too  feeble  and  deli 
cate  to  go  the  pole." 

Josiah  was  speechless  for  pretty  near  half  a  minute, 
and  when  he  did  speak  it  was  words  calculated  to  draw 
my  attention  from  contemplatin'  that  side  of  the  sub 
ject.  It  was  for  reasons,  I  have  too  much  respect  for 
my  husband  to  even  hint  at — odious  to  him,  as  odious 
4* 


94  HIRED  HUSBANDS. 

could  be — he  wanted  me  to  forget  it,  and  in  tlie  gen 
tle  and  sheepish  manner  men  can  so  readily  assume 
when  they  are  talkin'  to  females  he  said,  as  he  gently 
fingered  Ayer's  almanac,  and  looked  pensively  at 
the  dyin'  female  revivin'  at  a  view  of  the  bottle — 

"  "We  men  think  too  much  of  you  wimmin  to  want 
you  to  lose  your  sweet,  dignified,  retirin'  modesty  that 
is  your  chieftest  charm.  How  long  would  dignity  and 
modesty  stand  firm  before  the  wild  Urena  of  public 
life  ?  You  are  made  to  be  happy  wives,  to  be  guarded 
by  the  stronger  sect,  from  the  cold  blast  and  the  torrid 
zone.  To  have  a  fence  built  around  you  by  manly 
strength,  to  keep  out  the  cares  and  troubles  of  life. 
Why,  if  I  was  one  of  the  fair  sect,  I  would  have  a  hus 
band  to  fence  me  in,  if  I  had  to  hire  one." 

He  meant  this  last,  about  hirin'  a  husband,  as  a  jolie, 
for  he  smiled  feebly  as  he  said  it,  and  in  other  and 
happier  times  stern  duty  would  have  compelled  me  to 
laugh  at  it — but  not  now,  oh  no,  my  breast  was  heav- 
inj  with  too  many  different  sized  emotions. 

"  You  would  hire  one,  would  you  ?  a  woman  don't 
lose  her  dignity  and  modesty  a  racin'  round  tryin'  to 
get  married,  does  she  ?  Oh  no,"  says  I,  as  sarcastic 
as  sarcastic  could  be,  and  then  I  added  sternly,  "  If  it 
ever  does  come  in  fashion  to  hire  husbands  by  the 
year,  I  know  of  one  that  could  be  rented  cheap,  if  his 
wife  had  the  proceeds  and  avails  in  a  pecuniary  sense." 

He  looked  almost  mortified,  but  still  he  murmur'd 


MARRIAGE  COMPARED  WITH  SLAVERY.  95 

as  if  mechanically.     "  It  is  wimmen's  place  to  marry 
and  not  to  vote." 

"  Josiah  Allen,"  says  I,  "  Anybody  would  think  to 
hear  you  talk  that  a  woman  couldn't  do  but  just  one 
of  the  two  things  any  way — marry  or  vote,  and  had 
got  to  take  her  choice  of  the  two  at  the  pint  of  the 
bayonet.  And  anybody  would  think  to  hear  you  go 
on,  that  if  a  women  could  live  in  any  other  way,  she 
wouldn't  be  married,  and  you  couldn't  get  her  to." 
Says  I,  looking  at  him  shrewdly,  "  if  marryin'  is  such 
a  dreadful  nice  thing  for  wimmen  I  don't  see  what 
you  are  afraid  of.  You  men  act  kinder  guilty  about 
it,  and  I  don't  wonder  at  it,  for  take  a  bad  husband, 
and  thier  haint  no  kind  of  slavery  to  be  compared  to 
wife  slavery.  It  is  jest  as  natural  for  a  mean,  cow 
ardly  man  to  want  to  abuse  and  tyranize  over  them 
that  they  can,  them  that  are  dependent  on  'em,  as  for 
a  noble  and  generous  man  to  want  to  protect  them 
that  are  weak  and  in  their  power.  Figurin'  accordin' 
to  the  closest  rule  of  arithmetic,  there  are  at  least  one- 
third  mean,  dissopated,  drunken  men  in  the  world,  and 
they  most  all  have  wives,  and  let  them  tread  on  these 
wives  ever  so  hard,  if  they  only  tread  accordin'  to  law, 
she  can't  escape.  And  suppose  she  tries  to  escape, 
blood-hounds  haint  half  so  bitter  as  public  opinion  on 
a  women  that  parts  with  her  husband,  chains  and 
handcuffs  haint  to  be  compared  to  her  pride,  and  her 
love  for  her  children,  and  so  she  keeps  still,  and  suf- 


96  TRUE  MARRIAGES. 

fers  agony  enough  to  make  four  first  class  martyrs. 
Field  slaves  have  a  few  hours  for  rest  at  night,  and  a 
nope,  to  kinder  boy  them  up,  of  gettin'  a  better  master. 
But  the  wife  slave  has  no  hope  of  a  change  of  masters, 
and  let  him  be  ever  so  degraded  and  brutal  is  at  his 
mercy  day  and  night.  Men  seem  to  be  awful  afraid 
that  wimmen  wont  be  so  fierce  for  marryin'  anybody, 
for  a  home  and  a  support,  if  they  can  support  them- 
selves  independent,  and  be  jest  as  respectable  in  the 
eyes  of  the  world.  But"  says  I, 

"  In  them  days  when  men  and  wimmen  are  both 
independent — free  and  equal,  they  will  marry  in  the 
only  true  way — from  love  and  not  from  necessity.  They 
will  marry  because  God  will  join  their  two  hearts  and 
hands  so  you  cant  get  'em  apart  no  how.  But  to  hear 
you  talk  Josiah  Allen,  anybody  would  think  that  there 
wouldn't  another  woman  marry  on  earth,  if  they  could 
get  rid  of  it,  and  support  themselves  without  it."  And 
then  I  added,  fixin'  my  keen  grey  eyes  upon  his'en. 
"  You  act  guilty  about  it  Josiah  Allen."  "  But"  says 
I,  "just  so  long  as  the  sun  shines  down  upon  the  earth 
and  the  earth  answers  back  to  it,  blowin'  all  out  full 
of  beauty — Jest  so  long  as  the  moon  looks  down  lov- 
in'ly  upon  old  ocien  makin'  her  heart  beat  the  faster, 
jest  so  long  will  the  hearts  and  souls  God  made  for 
each  other,  answer  to  each  other's  call.  God's  laws 
can't  be  repealed,  Josiah  Allen,  they  wasn't  made  in 
Washington,  D.  C." 

I  hardly  ever  see  a"  man  quail  more  than  he  'did,  ahft 


HAPPY  HOMES  AND  CHILDREN.  97 

to  tell  the  truth,  I  guess  I  never  had  been  quite  so  elo 
quent  in  all  the  14:  years  we  had  lived  together — I  felt 
so  eloquent  that  I  couldn't  stop  myself  and  I  went  on. 
"When  did  you  ever  see  a  couple  that  hated  each  other, 
or  didn't  care  for  each  other,  but  what  their  children, 
was  either  jest  as  mean  as  pusley — or  else  wilted  and 
unhappy  lookin'  like  a  potato  sprout  in  a  dark  suller? 
What  that  potato  pprout  wants  is  sunshine,  Josiah  Al 
len.  "What  them  children  wants  is  love.  The  fact  is 
love  is  what  makes  a  home — I  don't  care  whether  its 
walls  are  white,  stone,  marble  or  bass  wood.  If  there 
haint  a  face  to  the  winder  a  waitin'  for  you,  when  you 
have  been  off  to  the  store,  what  good  does  all  your 
things  do  you,  though  you  have  traded  off  ten  pounds 
of  butter  ?"  A  lot  of  folks  may  get  together  in  a  big 
splendid  house,  and  be  called  by  the  same  name,  and 
eat  and  sleep  under  the  same  roof  till  they  die,  and 
call  it  home,  but  if  love  don't  board  with  'em,  give  me 
an  umbrella  and  a  stump.  But  the  children  of  these 
marriages  that  I  speak  of,  when  they  see  such  perfect 
harmony  of  mind  and  heart  in  their  father  and  moth 
er,  when  they  have  been  brought  up  in  such  a  warm* 
bright,  happy  home — they  can't  no  more  help  growin' 
up  sweet,  and  noble,  and  happy,  than  your  wheat 
can  help  growin'  up  straight  and  green  when  the  warm 
rain  and  the  sunshine  falls  on  it.  These  children,  Jo 
siah  Allen,  are  the  future  men  and  wimmens  who  are 
goin'  to  put  their  shoulder  blades  to  the  wheel  and 
roll  this  world  straight  into  millemum."  Says  Josiah, 


98  A  ANGEL  WANTS  FIRE  WOOD. 

"  Wimmen  are  too  good  to  vote  with  us  men,  wim- 
meii  haint  much  more  nor  less  than  angels  any  way." 

"When  you  have  been  soarin'  in  eloquence,  it  is  al 
ways  hard  to  be  brought  down  sudden — it  hurts  you 
to  light — and  this  speech  sickened  me,  and  says  I, 
in  a  tone  so  cold  that  he  shivered  imperceptibly. 

"  Josiah  Allen,  there  is  one  angel  that  would  be  glad 
to  have  a  little  wood  got  for  her  to  get  dinner  with," 
"  there  is  one  angel  that  cut  every  stick  of  wood  she 
burnt  yesterday,  that  same  angel  doin'  a  big  washin' 
at  the  same  time,"  and  says  I,  repeatin'  the  words,  as 
I  glanced  at  the  beef  over  the  cold  and  chilly  stove, 
"  I  should  like  a  handful  of  wood  Josiah  Allen." 

"  I  would  get  you  some  this  minute  Samantha,"  says 
he  gettin'  up  and  takin'  down  his  plantin'  bag,  "but 
you  know  jest  how  hurried  I  be  with  my  spring's 
work,  can't  you  pick  up  a  little  for  this  forenoon  ?  you 
haint  got  much  to  do  have  you?" 

"  Oh  no !"  says  I  in  a  lofty  tone  of  irony,  "  Nothin' 
at  all,  only  a  big  ironin',  ten  pies  and  six  loves  of  bread 
to  bake,  a  cheese  curd  to  run  up,  3  hens  to  scald, 
churnin'  and  moppin'  and  dinner  to  get.  Jest  a  easy 
mornin's  work  for  a  angel." 

"  Wall  then,  I  guess  you'll  get  along,  and  to-morrow 
I'll  try  to  get  you  some." 

I  said  no  more,  but  with  lofty  emotions  surgin'  in 
my  breast,  I  took  my  axe  and  started  for  the  wood-pile. 


A  AXIDENT. 


I  have  been  sick  enough  with  a  axident.  Josiah 
had  got  his  plantin'  all  done,  and  the  garden  seeds  was 
comin'  up  nice  as  a  pin,  I  will  have  a  good  garden. 
But  the  hens  bothered  me  most  to  death,  and  kep'  me 
a  chasin'  out  alter  'em  all  the  time.  No  sooner  would 
I  get  'em  off  the  peas,  then  they  would  be  on  the 
mush  mellons,  and  then  the  cowcumbers  would  take  it 
arid  then  the  string  beans,  and  there  I  was  rushin'  out 
doors  bareheaded  all  times  of  day.  It  was  worse  for 
me  than  all  my  house  work,  and  so  I  told  Josiah. 

One  day  I  went  out  full  sail  after  Jem,  and  I  fell 
kerslap  over  a  rail  that  lay  in  the  grass,  and  turned  my 
ancle  jint,  and  I  was  laid  up  bed  sick  for  two  weeks. 
It  makes  me  out  of  patience  to  think  of  it,  for  we 
might  have  a  dog  that  is  worth  somethiri'  if  it  wasn't 
for  Josiah,  but  as  it  is,  if  he  haint  to  the  house  I  have 
to  do  all  the  chasin'  there  is  done,  for  I  might  as  well 
get  the  door  step  started  on  to  the  cattle,  or  hens,  as 
to  get  our  dog  off  of  it,  to  go  on  to  any  thing. 

And  he  is  big  as  a  young  eliphant  too,  eats  as  much 

99 


100  OUR  PUP  DOG. 

as  a  cow,  and  of  all  the  lazy  critters  I  ever  did  see,  he 
is  the  cap  sheaf.  Why,  when  Josiah  sets  him  on  to 
the  hens,  he  has  to  take  him  by  the  collar  and  kinder 
draws  him  along,  all  the  way.  And  as  for  cows  and 
calves,  he  seems  to  be  afraid  of  'em,  somethin'  kind 
er  constitutionel  Josiah  says.  I  tell  him  he  might 
better  bark  'em  off  himself,  especially  as  he  is  a  first 
rate  hand  at  it,  you  can't  tell  him  from  a  dog  when 
he  sets  out. 

One  mornin'  I  says  to  him,  "  Josiah  Allen,  what's 
the  use  of  your  keepin'  that  pup  ?" 

Says  he  "  Samantha,  he  is  a  good  feller,  if  I  will 
kinder  run  ahead  of  him,  and  keep  between  him  and 
the  cows,  he  will  go  on  to  them  first  rate,  he  seems  to 
want  encouragement." 

li  Encouragement  !>;  says  I,  "  I  should  think  as 
much." 

I  didn't  say  no  more,  and  that  very  day  the  axident 
happened.  Josiah  heard  me  holler,  and  he  come  run- 
nin'  from  the  barn — and  a  scairter  man  I  never  see. 
He  took  me  right  up,  and  was  carryin'  of  me  in.  I 
was  in  awful  agony — and  the  first  words  I  remember 
sayin'  was  these,  in  a  faint  voice." 

"  I  wonder  if  you'll  keep  that  pup  now  ?" 

Says  he  firmly,  yet  with  pity,  and  with  pale  and 
anxious  face. 

"  Hebby  you  didn't  encourage  him  enough." 

Says  I  deliriously,  "  Did  you  expect  I  was  goin'  to 


VERY  SICK  A  BED. 


101 


carry  him  in  my  arms  and  throw  him  at  the  hens?     I 
tried  every  other  way." 
"  Wall,  wall !"  says  he,  kinder  soothi^'iy,  u  Do  keep 


THE   AXIDK^T. 

still,  how  do  you  expect  I'm  goin'  to  carry  you  if  you 
touse  round  so." 

He  laid  me  down  on  the  lounge  in  the  settin'  room, 
and  I  never  got  off  of  it,  for  two  weeks.  Fever  set  in 
—I  had  been  kinder  unwell  for  quite  a  spell,  but  I 
wouldn't  give  up.  I  would  keep  'round  to  work. 
But  this  axident  seemed  to  be  the  last  hump  on  the 
camels  back,  I  had  to  give  in,  and  Tirzah  Ann  had 
to  come  home  from  school  to  do  the  work. 

When  the  news  got  out  that  I  was  sick,  lots  of  folks 
came  to  see  me.  And  every  one  wanted  me  to  take 
some  different  kinds  of  patented  medicine,  or  herb 
drink — why  my  stomach  would  have  been  drounded 
out,  a  perfect  wreck — if  I  had  took  half.  And  then 
every  one  would  name  my  desease  some  new  name. 

Why  I  told  Josiah  at  the  end  of  the  week,  that  accor- 
o 


102  THE  NEIGHBORS  GIVE  OPINIONS. 

din'  to  their  tell,  I  had  got  every  desease  under  the 
sun,  unless  it  was  the  horse  distemper. 

One  iriorn.ii;'  Miss  Gowdey  came  in,  and  asked  me  in 
<".  mekneholy  wav,.  if  I  had  ever  had  the  kind  pox.  I 
told  her  I  had. 

""Well,"  says  she,  "I  mistrust  you  have  got  the 
very  oh  Lord." 

It  was  a  Saturday  mornin'  and  Thomas  Jefferson 
was  to  home,  and  he  spoke  up  and  said  "  that  was  a 
good  desease,  and  he  hoped  it  would  prevail ;  he  knew 
quite  a  number  that  he  thought  it  would  do  'em  good 
to  have  it." 

She  looked  real  shocked,  but  knew  it  was  some  of 
Thomas  J's.  fun.  There  was  one  woman  that  would 
come  in,  in  a  calm,  quiet  way  about  2  times  a  week, 
and  say  in  a  mild,  collected  tone, 

"  You  have  got  the  tizick." 

Says  I,  "  the  pain  is  in  my  foot  mostly." 

"I  can't  help  that,"  says  she  gently,  but  firmly, 
"  There  is  tizick  with  it.  And  I  think  that  is  what 
ailed  Josiah  when  he  was  sick." 

"  Why,"  says  I,  "  that  was  the  newraligy,  the  doc 
tors  said." 

"Doctors  are  liable  to  mistakes,"  says  she  in  the 
same  firm  but  modest  accents,  "  I  have  always  thought 
it  was  the  tizick.  There  are  more  folks  that  are  tiziky 
than  you  think  for,  in  this  world.  I  am  a  master 
hand  for  knowin'  it  when  I  see  it."  She  would  then 


WHAT  MAKES  ANGELS.  103 

in  an  affectionate  manner  advise  me  to  doctor  for  the 
tizick,  and  then  she  would  gently  depart. 

There  are  2  kinds  of  wimmen  that  go  to  see  the 
sick.  There's  them  low  voiced,  still  footed  wimmen, 
that  walks  right  in,  and  lays  their  hands  on  your  hot 
foreheads  so  soothin'  like,  that  the  pain  gets  ashamed 
of  itself  and  sneaks  off.  I  call  'em  God's  angels. 
Spozen  they  haint  got  wings,  I  don't  care,  I  contend 
for  it  they  are  servin'  the  Lord  jest  as  much  as  if  they 
was  a  standin'  up  in  a  row,  all  feathered  out,  with  a 
palm  tree  in  one  hand  and  a  harp  in  the  other. 

So  I  told  old  Gowdey  one  cold  winter  day — (he  is 
awful  stingy,  he  has  got  a  big  wood  lot — yet  lets  lots 
of  poor  families  most  freeze  round  him,  in  the  winter 
time.  He  will  pray  for  'em  by  the  hour,  but  it  don't 
seem  to  warm  'em  up  much} — he  says  to  me, 

"  Oh  !  if  I  was  only  a  angel !  if  I  only  had  holt  of 
the  palm  tree  up  yonder  that  is  waitin'  for  me." 

Says  I,  coolly,  "  if  it  is  used  right,  I  think  good 
body  maple  goes  a  good  ways  toward  makin'  a  angel." 

As  I  say,  I  have  had  these  angels  in  my  room — some 
kinder  slimmish  ones,  some,  that  would  go  nigh  on  t< 
2  hundred  by  the  stellyards,  I  don't  care  if  they  went  3 
hundred  quick,  I  should  call  'em  angels  jest  the  same. 

Then  there  is  them  wimmen  that  go  to  have  a  good 
time  of  it,  they  get  kinder  sick  of  stayin'  to  home, 
and  nothin'  happenin'.  And  so  they  take  thier  work, 


104  TOO  MUCH  AT  ONE  TIME. 

and  flock  in  to  visit  the  afflicted.  I  should  think  I 
had  pretty  near  25  a  day  of  'em,  and  each  one  started 
25  different  subjects.  Wild,  crazy  subjects,  most  of 
'em,  such  as  fires,  runaway  matches,  and  whirlwinds ; 
earthquakes,  neighborhood  fightin',  and  butter  that 
wouldn't  come ;  great  tidal  waves,  railroad  axidents, 
balky  horses,  and  overskirts;  man  slaughter,  politix, 
schism,  and  frizzled  hair. 

I  believe  it  would  have  drawed  more  sweat  from  a 
able  bodied  man  to  have  laid  still  and  heard  it,  than  to 
mow  a  five  acre  lot  in  dog  days.  And  there  my  head 
was  takin'  on,  and  achin'  as  if  it  would  come  off  all 
the  time. 

If  I  could  have  had  one  thing  at  a  time,  I  could 
have  stood  it  better.  I  shouldn't  have  minded  a  earth- 
quake  so  much,  if  I  could  have  give  my  full  attention 
to  it,  but  I  must  have  coriflegrations  at  the  same  time 
on  my  mind,  and  hens  that  wouldn't  set,  and  drunken 
men,  and  crazy  wimmin,  and  jumpin'  sheep,  and  fe 
male  sufFragin'  and  calico  cut  biasin',  and  the  Rushen 
war,  and  politix.  It  did  seem  some  of  the  time,  that 
my  head  must  split  open,  and  I  guess  the  doctor  got 
scairt  about  me,  for  one  mornin'  after  he  went  away, 
Josiah  came  into  the  room,  and  I  see  that  he  looked 
awful  sober  and  gloomy,  but  the  minute  he  ketched 
my  eye,  he  began  to  snicker  and  laugh.  I  didn't  say 
nothin'  at  first,  and  shet  my  eyes,  but  when  I  opened 
'em  agin,  there  he  was  a  standin'  lookin'  down  on  me 


JOS1AH  BECOMES  CHEERFUL  105 

with  the  same  mournful,  agonized  expression  onto  his 
features  ;  not  a  word  did  he  speak,  but  when  he  see 
me  a  lookin'  at  him,  he  bust  out  laughin'  agin,  and 
then  says  I — 

"  What  is  the  matter,  Josiah  Allen  ?" 

Says  he,  "  I'm  a  bein'  cheerful,  Samantha !" 


CHEERFUL. 

Says  I  in  the  faint  accents  of  weakness,  "  Yon  are 
bein'  a  natural  born  idiot,  and  do  you  stop  it." 

Says  lie,  "  I  won't  stop  it,  Samantha,  I  will  be  cheer 
ful  ;"  and  he  giggled. 

Says  I,  "  "Won't  you  go  out.  and  let  me  rest  a  little, 
Josiah  Allen  ?" 

"  ISTo !"  says  he  firmly,  I  will  stand  by  you,  and  I 
will  be  cheerful,"  and  he  snickered  the  loudest  he  had 
yet,  but  at  the  same  time  his  countenance  was  so 
awfully  gloomy  and  anxious  lookin'  that  it  filled  me 
with  a  strange  awe  as  he  continued—  - 


106  I  USE  STRATAGIM. 

"  The  doctor  told  me  that  you  must  be  kep'  perfect 
ly  quiet,  and  I  must  be  cheerful  before  you,  and  while 
I  have  the  spirit  of  a  man  I  will  be  cheerful,"  and  with 
a  despairin'  countenance,  he  giggled  and  snickered. 

I  knew  what  a  case  he  was  to  do  his  duty,  and  I 
groaned  out,  "  There  haint  no  use  a  try  in'  to  stop 
him." 

"  No,"  says  he,  "  there  haint  no  use  a  arguin'  with 
me — I  shall  do  my  duty."  And  he  bust  out  into  a 
awful  laugh  that  almost  choked  him. 

I  knew  there  wouldn't  be  no  rest  for  me,  while  he 
stood  there  performin'  like  a  circus,  and  so  says  I  in  a 
strategim  way— 

"It  seems  to  me  as  if  I  should  like  a  little  lemonade, 
Josiah,  but  the  lemons  are  all  gone." 

Says  he,  "  I  will  harness  up  the  old  mare  and  start 
for  Jonesville  this  minute,  and  get  you  some." 

But  after  he  got  out  in  the  kitchen,  and  his  hat  on, 
he  stuck  his  head  into  the  door,  and  with  a  mournful 
countenance,  snickered. 

After  he  fairly  sot  sail  for  Jonesville,  how,  thinks  I 
to  myself,  I  will  have  a  good  nap,  and  rest  my  head 
while  he  is  gone,  and  I  had  jest  got  settled  down,  and 
was  thinkin'  sweetly  how  slow  the  old  mare  was,  when 
I  heerd  a  noise  in  the  kitchen.  And  Tirzah  Ann  come 
in,  and  says  she — 

"  Betsey  Bobbet  has  come ;  I  told  her  I  guessed  you 
was  a  goin'  to  sleep,  and  she  hadn't  better  come  in, 


BETSEY  VISITS  THE  SICK.  107 

but  she  acted  so  mad  about  it,  that  I  don't  know  what 
to  do." 

Before  I  could  find  time  to  tell  her  to  lock  the  door, 
and  put  a  chair  against  it,  Betsey  come  right  in,  and 
says  she — 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  how  do  you  feel  this  morn- 
in'  ?"  and  she  added  sweetly,  "  You  see  I  have  come." 

"  I  feel  dreadful  bad  and  feverish,  this  mornin'," 
says  I,  groanin'  in  spite  of  myself.  For  my  head  felt 
the  worst  it  had,  everything  looked  big,  and  sick  to 
the  stomach  to  me,  kinder  waverin'  and  floatin'  round 
like. 

"  Yes,  I  know  jest  how  you  feel,  Josiah  Allen's  wife, 
for  I  have  felt  jest  so,  only  a  great  deal  worse — why, 
talkin'  about  fevahs,  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  I  have  had 
such  a  fevah  that  the  sweat  stood  in  great  drops  all 
ovah  me." 

She  took  her  things  off,  and  laid  'em  on  the  table, 
and  she  had  a  bag  hangin'  on  her  arm  pretty  near  as 
big  as  a  flour  sack,  and  she  laid  that  down  in  one  chair 
and  took  another  one  herself,  and  then  she  continued, 

"  I  have  come  down  to  spend  the  entiah  day  with 
you,  Josiah  Allen's  wife.  We  heerd  that  you  was 
sick,  and  we  thought  we  would  all  come  doun  and 
spend  the  day  with  you.  We  have  got  relations  from 
a  distance  visitin'  us, — relations  on  fathah's  side — and 
they  are  all  a  comin'.  Mothah  is  comin'  and  Aunt 
Betsey,  and  cousin  Aunah  Mariah  and  her  two 
children.  But  we  don't  want  you  to  make  any  fuss 


108  COME  TO  SPEND  THE  DAT. 

for  us  at  all — only  cousin  Annah  Mariah  was  sayin' 
yesterday  that  she  did  want  an  old-fashioned  boiled 
dinnah,  before  she  went  back  to  New  York.  Mothah 
was  goin'  to  boil  one  yesterday,  but  you  know  jest  how 
it  scents  up  a  house,  and  in  my  situation,  not  knowin' 
when  I  shall  receive  iiiterestin'  calls,  I  do  want  to  keep 
up  a  agreeable  atmospheah.  I  told  Annah  Mariah  you 
had  all  kinds  of  garden  sauce.  We  don't  want  you 
to  make  any  difference  for  us — not  in  the  least — but 
boiled  dinnahs,  with  a  boiled  puddin'  and  sugar  sauce, 
are  perfectly  beautiful." 

I  groaned  in  a  low  tone,  but  Betsey  was  so  engaged 
a  talkin',  that  she  didn't  heed  it,  but  went  on  in  a  high, 
excited  tone — 

"  I  come  on  a  little  ahead,  for  I  wanted  to  get  a  pat 
tern  for  a  bedquilt,  if  you  have  got  one  to  suit  me.  I 
am  goin'  to  piece  up  a  bedquilt  out  of  small  pieces  of 
calico  I  have  been  savin'  for  yeahs.  And  I  brought 
the  whole  bag  of  calicoes  along,  for  Mothah  and  cousin 
Annah  Mariah  said  they  would  assist  me  in  piecin'  up 
to-day,  aftah  I  get  them  cut  out.  You  know  I  may 
want  bedquilts  suddenly.  A  great  many  young  girls 
are  bein'  snatched  away  this  spring.  I  think  it  be 
comes  us  all  to  be  prepared.  Aunt  Betsey  would  help 
me  too,  but  she  is  in  a  dreadful  hurry  with  a  rag  car 
pet.  She  is  goin'  to  bring  down  a  basket  full  of  red 
and  yellow  rags  that  mothah  gave  her,  to  tear  up  to 
day.  She  said  that  it  was  not  very  pretty  work  to 


KEEPING  ME  QUIET.  109 

carry  visatin',  but  I  told  her  you  was  sick  and  would 
not  mind  it.  I  guess,"  she  continued,  takin'  up  hei 
bag,  "  I  will  pour  these  calicoes  all  out  upon  the  table, 
and  then  I  will  look  at  your  bedquilts  and  patterns." 
And  she  poured  out  about  half  a  bushel  of  crazy  look- 


KEEPIN'  THE   SICK 
in'  pieces  of  calico  on  the  table,  no  two  pieces  of  a  size 

or  color. 

I  groaned  loudly,  in  spite  of  myself,  and  shut  my 
eyes.  She  heard  the  groan,  and  see  the  agony  on  to 
my  eye  brow,  and  says  she, 

"  The  doctor  said  to  our  house  this  morning,  that 
you  must  be  kept  perfectly  quiet — and  I  tell  you 
Josiah  Allen's  wife,  that  you  must  not  get  excited. 
We  talked  it  over  this  morning,  we  said  we  were  all 
going  to  put  in  together,  that  you  should  keep  per 
fectly  quiet,  and  not  get  excited  in  your  mind.  And 

now  what  would  you  advise  me  to  do  ?     Would  you 
5* 


110  BETSEY  CHIRKS  ME  UP 

have  a  sunflower  bedquilt,  or  a  blazing  stah  ?  Take  it 
right  to  yourself  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  what  would  you 
do  about  it  ?  But  do  not  excite  yourself  any.  Blaz 
ing  stah's  look  more  showy,  but  then  sun-floweh's  are 
easier  to  quilt.  Quilt  once  around  every  piece,  and  it 
is  enough,  and  looks  well  on  the  other  side,  I  am 
going  to  line  it  with  otteh  coloh — white  looks  betteh, 
but  if  two  little  children  jest  of  an  age,  should  happen 
to  be  a  playing  on  it,  it  would  keep  clean  longeh." 

Agin  I  groaned,  and  says  Betsey,  "  I  do  wish  you 
would  take  my  advice  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  and  keep 
perfectly  quiet  in  your  mind.  I  should  think  you 
would,"  says  she  reproachfully.  "  When  I  have  told 
you,  how  much  betteh  it  would  be  for  you.  I  guess," 
says  she,  "  that  you  need  chirking  up  a  little.  I  must 
enliven  you,  and  make  you  look  happier  before  I  go 
on  with  my  bedquilt,  and  before  we  begin  to  look  at 
your  patterns  and  bedquilts,  I  will  read  a  little  to  you, 
I  calculated  too,  if  you  was  low  spirited ;  I  came  pre 
pared."  And  takin'  a  paper  out  of  her  pocket  she 
says, 

"  I  will  now  proceed  to  read  to  you  one  of  the  long 
est,  most  noble  and  eloquent  editorials  that  has  eveh 
come  out  in  the  pages  of  the  Augah,  written  by  its 
noble  and  eloquent  Editah.  It  is  six  columns  in 
length,  and  is  concerning  our  relations  with  Spain.9' 

This  was  too  much — too  much — and  I  sprung  up  on 
my  couch,  and  cried  wildly, 


BETSEY  FLIES  IN  TERROR.  Ill 

"  Let  the  Editor  of  the  Augur  and  his  relations  go 
to  Spain  !  And  do  you  go  to  Spain  with  your  rela 
tions  !"  says  I,  "  and  do  you  start  this  minute  1" 

Betsey  was  appalled,  and  turned  to  flee,  and  I  cried 
out  agin, 

"  Do  you  take  your  bedquilt  with  you." 

She  gathered  up  her  calicoes,  and  fled.  And  I  sunk 
back,  shed  one  or  two  briny  tears  of  relief,  and  then 
sunk  into  a  sweet  and  refreshih'  sleep.  And  from  that 
hour  I  gained  on  it.  But  in  the  next  week's  Augur, 
these  and  10  more  verses  like  'em  come  out. 

BLASTED    HOPES. 

I  do  not  mind  my  cold  rebuffs 

To  be  turned  out  with  bedquilt  stuffs; 

Philosophy  would  ease  my  smart, 

Would  say,  "  Oh  peace,  sad  female  heart  •" 

But  Oh,  this  is  the  woe  to  me, 

She  would  not  listen  unto  he. 

If  it  had  been  my  soaring  muse, 

That  she  in  wild  scorn  did  refuse, 

I  could  like  marble  statute  rise, 

And  face  her  wrath  with  tearless  eyes ; 

TVould  not  have  been  such  a  blow  to  me, 

Put,  she  would  not  listen  unto  he. 


THE   JONESVILLE   SING-IN'   QUIRE. 


Thomas  Jefferson  is  a  good  boy.  His  teacher  to  the 
Jonesville  Academy  told  me  the  other  day,  says  he, 

"Thomas  J.  is  full  of  fun,  but  I  don't  believe  he 
has  a  single  bad  habit ;  and  I  don't  believe  he  knows 
any  more  about  bad  things,  than  Tirzah  Ann,  and  she 
is  a  girl  of  a  thousand." 

This  made  my  heart  beat  with  pure  and  fervent 
emotions  of  joy,  for  I  knew  it  was  true,  but  I  tell  you 
I  have  had  to  work  for  it.  I  was  determined  from  the 
first,  that  Thomas  Jefferson  needn't  think  because  he 
was  a  boy  he  could  do  anything  that  would  be  consid 
ered  disgraceful  if  he  was  a  girl.  Now  some  mothers 
will  worry  themselves  to  death  about  thier  girls,  so 
nfraid  they  will  get  into  bad  company  and  bring  dis 
grace  onto  'em.  I  have  said  to  'ern  sometimes, 

"  Why  don't  you  worry  about  your  boys  ?" 

"  Oh  things  are  winked  at  in  a  man  that  haint  in  a 


"  Says  I,  "  There  is  one  woman  that  no  man  can  get 
112 


W1MMIN  ON  WIMMIN.  113 

to  wink  at  'em,  and  that  is  Samantha  Allen,  whose 
maiden  name  was  Smith."  Says  I,  "  It  is  enough  to 
make  anybody's  blood  bile  in  thier  vains  to  think  how 
different  sin  is  looked  upon  in  a  man  and  woman.  I 
say  sin  is  sin,  and  you  can't  make  goodness  out  of  it 
by  parsin'  it  in  the  masculine  gender,  no  more'n  you 
can  by  parsin'  it  in  the  feminine  or  neutral. 

And  wimmin  are  the  most  to  blame  in  this  respect.  I 
believe  in  givin'  the  D —  -  I  won't  speak  the  gentle 
man's  name  right  out,  because  I  belong  to  the  Meth 
odist  Meetin'  house,  but  you  know  who  I  mean,  and  I 
believe  in  givin'  him  his  due,  if  you  owe  him  any 
thing,  and  I  say  men  haint  half  so  bad  as  wimmeii 
about  holdin'  up  male  sinners  and  stompin'  down 
female  ones. 

Wimmen  are  meaner  than  pusly  about  some  things, 
and  this  is  one  of  'em.  Kow  wimmen  will  go  out  and 
kill  the  fatted  calf  with  thier  own  hands  to  feast  the 
male  prodigal  that  has  been  livin'  on  husks.  But  let 
the  woman  that  he  has  been  boardin'  with  on  the  same 
bundle  of  husks,  ask  meekly  for  a  little  mite  of  this 
veal  critter,  will  she  get  it?  ~No\  She  won't  get  so 
much  as  one  of  the  huffs.  She  will  be  told  to  keep 
on  eatin'  her  husks,  and  after  she  has  got  through  with 
'em  to  die,  for  after  a  woman  lias  once  eat  husks,  she 
can't  never  eat  any  other  vittles.  And  if  she  asks 
meekly,  why  is  her  stomach  so  different  from  the 
male  husk  eater,  he  went  right  off  from  husks  to  fat- 


114  THE  PRODIGAL  DAUGHTER. 

ted  calves,  they'll  say  to  her  i  what  is  sin  in  a  woman 
haint  sin  in  a  man.  Men  are  such  noble  creatures  that 
they  will  be  a  little  wild,  it  is  expected  of  'em,  but 
after  they  have  sowed  all  thier  wild  oats,  they  always 
settle  down  and  make  the  very  best  of  men.' 

" '  Can't  I  settle  down  too  ?'  cries  the  poor  woman, 
'/am  sick  of  wild  oats  too,  /  am  sick  of  husks — I 
want  to  live  a  good  life,  in  the  sight  of  God  and  man 
— can't  I  settle  down  too  ?' 

" '  Yes  you  can  settle  down  in  the  grave,'  they  say 
to  her — (  When  a  woman  has  sinned  once,  that  is  all 
the  place  there  is  for  her — a  woman  cannot  be  for^ 
given.'  There  is  an  old  sayin'  '  Go  and  sin  no  more.' 
But  that  is  eighteen  hundred  years  old — awful  old 
fashioned.' " 

And  then  after  they  have  feasted  the  male  husk 
eater,  on  this  gospel  veal,  and  fell  on  his  neck  and 
embraced  him  a  few  times,  they  will  take  him  into 
thier  houses  and  marry  him  to  their  purest  and  pret 
tiest  daughter,  while  at  the  same  time  they  won't  have 
the  female  husker  in  thier  kitchen  to  wash  for  ?em  at 
4  cents  an  article. 

I  say  it  is  a  shame  and  a  disgrace,  for  the  woman  to 
bear  all  the  burden  of  suiferin'  and  all  the  burden  of 
shame  too ;  it  is  a  mean,  cowardly  piece  of  business, 
and  I  should  think  the  very  stuns  would  go  to  yellin7 
at  each  other  to  see  such  injustice. 

But  Josiah  Allen's  children  haint  been  brought  up 


FOLLOWIN'  THOMAS  J'S  EXAMPLE.  115 

in  any  such  kind  of  a  way.  They  have  been  brought 
up  to  think  that  sin  of  any  kind  is  jest  as  bad  in  a  man 
as  it  is  in  a  woman.  And  any  place  of  amusement 
that  was  bad  for  a  woman  to  go  to,  was  bad  for  a  man. 

Now  when  Thomas  Jefferson  was  a  little  feller,  he 
was  bewitched  to  go  to  circuses,  and  Josiah  said, 

"  Better  let  him  go,  Samantha,  it  haint  no  place  for 
wimmin  or  girls,  but  it  won't  hurt  a  boy." 

Says  I,  "  Josiah  Allen,  the  Lord  made  Thomas  Jef 
ferson  with  jest  as  pure  a  heart  as  Tirzah  Ann,  and  no 
bigger  eyes  and  ears,  and  if  Thomas  J.  goes  to  the  cir 
cus,  Tirzah  Ann  goes  too." 

That  stopped  that.  And  then  he  was  bewitched  to 
get  with  other  boys  that  smoked  and  chewed  tobacco, 
and  Josiah  was  jest  that  easy  turn,  that  he  would  have 
let  him  go  with  'em.  But  says  I— 

"  Josiah  Allen,  if  Thomas  Jefferson  goes  with  those 
boys,  and  gets  to  chewin'  and  smokin'  tobacco,  I  shall 
buy  Tirzah  Ann  a  pipe." 

And  that  stopped  that. 

"  And  about  drinkin',"  says  I.  "  Thomas  Jefferson, 
if  it  should  ever  be  the  will  of  Providence  to  change 
you  into  a  wild  bear,  I  will  chain  you  up,  and  do  the 
best  I  can  by  you.  But  if  you  ever  do  it  yourself,  turn 
yourself  into  a  wild  beast  by  drinkin',  I  will  run  away, 
for  I  never  could  stand  it,  never.  And,"  I  continued, 
"  if  I  ever  see  you  hangin'  round  bar-rooms  and  tavern 
doors,  Tirzah  Ann  shall  hang  too." 


116  WHAT'S  THE  DIFFERENCE. 

Josiah  argued  with  me,  says  he,  "  It  don't  look  so 
bad  for  a  boy  as  it  does  for  a  girl." 

Says  I,  "  Custom  makes  the  difference ;  we  are  more 
used  to  seem'  men.  But,"  says  I,  "  when  liquor  goes 
to  work  to  make  a  fool  and  a  brute  of  anybody  it  don't 
stop  to  ask  about  sect,  it  makes  a  wild  beast  and  a 
idiot  of  a  man  or  a  woman,  and  to  look  down  from 
Heaven,  I  guess  a  man  looks  as  bad  layin'  dead  drunk 
in  a  gutter  as  a  woman  does,"  says  I ;  "  things  look 
different  from  up  there,  than  what  they  do  to  us — it  is 
a  more  sightly  place.  And  you  talk  about  looks  ^  Jo 
siah  Allen.  I  don't  go  on  clear  looks,  I  go  onto  prin 
ciple.  Will  the  Lord  say  to  me  in  the  last  day,  'Jo 
siah  Allen's  wife,  how  is  it  with  the  sole  of  Tirzah 
Ann — as  for  Thomas  Jefferson's  sole,  he  bein'  a  boy  it 
haint  of  no  account  ?'  No  !  I  shall  have  to  give  an 
account  to  Him  for  my  dealin's  with  both  of  these 
soles,  male  and  female.  And  I  should  feel  guilty  if  I 
brought  him  up  to  think  that  what  was  impure  for  a 
woman,  was  pure  for  a  man.  If  man  has  a  greater  de 
sire  to  do  wrong — which  I  won't  dispute,"  says  I  look- 
in'  keenly  on  to  Josiah,  "  he  has  greater  strength  to 
resist  temptation.  And  so,"  says  I  in  mild  accents, 
but  firm  as  old  Plymouth  Rock,  "  if  Thomas  Jefferson 
hangs,  Tirzah  Ann  shall  hang  too." 

I  have  brought  Thomas  Jefferson  up  to  think  that 
it  was  jest  as  bad  for  him  to  listen  to  a  bad  story  or 
song,  as  for  a  girl,  or  worse,  for  he  had  more  strength 


A  SPY  IN  THE  FAMILY.  117 

to  run  away,  and  that  it  was  a  disgrace  for  him  to  talk 
or  listen  to  any  stuff  that  he  would  be  ashamed  to  have 
Tirzah  Ann  or  me  hear.  I  have  brought  him  up  to 
think  that  manliness  didn't  consist  in  havin'  a  cigar  in 
his  mouth,  and  his  hat  on  one  side,  and  swearin'  and 
slang  phrases,  and  a  knowledge  of  questionable  amuse 
ments,  but  in  layin'  holt  of  every  duty  that  come  to 
im,  with  a  brave  heart  and  a  cheerful  face  ;  in  helpin' 
right  the  wrong,  and  protect  the  weak,  and  makin' 
most  and  the  best  of  the  mind  and  the  soul  God 
given  him.  In  short,  I  have  brought  him  up  to 
ink  that  purity  and  virtue  are  both  masculine  and 
femanine  gender,  and  that  God's  angels  are  not  neces 
sarily  all  she  ones. 

Tirzah  Ann  too  has  come  up  well,  chough  1  say  it, 
that  shouldn't,  her  head  kaint  all  full,  runnin'  over, 
and  frizzlin'  out  on  top  of  it,  with  thoughts  of  beaux 
and  flirtin'.  I  have  brought  her  up  to  think  that  mar 
riage  wasn't  the  chief  end  of  life,  but  savin'  her  soul. 
Tirzah  Ann's  own  grandmother  on  her  mother's  side, 
used  to  come  visatin'  us  and  stay  weeks  at  a  time, 
kinder  spyin'  out  I  spose  how  I  done  by  the  children, 
— thank  fortune,  I  wasn't  afraid  to  have  her  spy,  all 
she  was  a  mind  too,  I  wouldn't  have  been  afraid  to 
had  Benedict  Arnold,  and  Major  Andre  come  as  spys. 
T  did  well  by  'em,  and  she  owned  it,  though  she  did 
think  I  made  Tirzah  Ann's  night  gowns  a  little  too 
full  round  the  neck,  and  Thomas  Jefferson's  rounda- 


118  TIRZAH  ANN'S  FUTURE  MARRIAGE. 

bouts  a  little  too  lon«:  behind.     Bnt  as  I  was  a  savin', 

O  »/  7 

the  old  lady  begun  to  kinder  train  Tirzah  Ann  up  to 
the  prevailin'  idee  of  its  bein'  her  only  aim  in  life  to 
catch  a  husband,  and  if  she  would  only  grow  up  and 
be  a  real  good  girl  she  should  marry. 

I  didn't  say  nothin5  to  the  old  lady,  for  I  respect  old 
age,  but  I  took  Josiah  out  one  side,  and  says  I, 

"  Josiah  Allen,  if  Tirzah  Ann  is  to  be  brought  up 
to  think  that  marriage  is  the  chief  aim  of  her  life, 
Thomas  J.  shall  be  brought  up  to  think  that  marriage 
is  his  chief  aim."  Says  I,  "  it  looks  just  as  flat  in  a 
woman,  as  it  does  in  a  man." 

Josiah  didn't  make  much  of  any  answer  to  me,  he 
is  an  easy  man.  But  as  that  was  the  old  lady's  last 
visit  (she  was  took  bed  rid  the  next  week,  and  haint 
walked  a  step  sense),  I  haint  had  no  more  trouble  on 
them  grounds. 

When  Tirzah  Ann  gets  old  enough,  if  a  good  true 
man,  a  man  for  instance,  such  as  I  think  Whitfield 
Minkley,  our  minister's  oldest  boy  is  a  goin'  to  make, 
if  such  a  man  offers  Tirzah  Ann  his  love  which  is  the 
greatest  honor  a  man  can  do  a  woman,  why  Tirzah 
will,  I  presume,  if  she  loves  him  well  enough,  marry 
him.  I  should  give  my  consent,  and  so  would  Josiah. 
But  to  have  all  her  mind  sot  onto  that  hope  and 
expectatin'  till  she  begins  to  look  wild,  I  have  discour 
aged  it  in  her. 

I  have  told  her  that  goodness,  truth,  honor,  vertue 


THOMAS  J.  PREFERS  A  BACK  SEAT.  119 

and  nobility  come  first  as  aims  in  life.     Says  I, 

"  Tirzali  Ann,  seek  these  things  first,  and  then  if  a 
husband  is  added  unto  you,  you  may  know  it  is  the 
Lord's  will,  and  accept  him  like  any  other  dispensation 
of  Providence,  and — "  I  continued  as  dreamy  thoughts 
of  Josiah  floated  through  my  mind,"  make  the  best  of 
him." 

I  feel  thankful  to  think  they  have  both  come  up  as 
well  as  they  have.  Tirzah  Ann  is  more  of  a  quiet 
turn,  but  Thomas  J.,  though  his  morals  are  sound,  is 
dreadful  full  of  fun,  I  worry  some  about  him  for  he 
haint  made  no  professions,  I  never  could  get  him 
forred  onto  the  anxious  seat.  He  told  Elder  Minkley 
last  winter  that  "  the  seats  were  all  made  of  the  same 
kind  of  basswood,  and  he  could  be  jest  as  anxious  out 
by  the  door,  as  he  could  on  one  of  the  front  seats. 

Says  Elder  Minkley,  "  My  dear  boy,  I  want  you  to 
find  the  Lord." 

"  I  haint  never  lost  him,"  says  Thomas  Jefferson. 
It  shocked  Elder  Minkley  dreadfully — but  it  sot  me 
to  thinkin'.  He  was  always  an  odd  child,  always  askin' 
the  curiousest  questions,  and  I  brought  him  up  to 
think  that  the  Lord  was  with  him  all  the  time,  and 
see  what  he  was  doin',  and  mebby  he  was  in  the  right 
of  it,  mebby  he  felt  as  if  he  hadn't  never  lost  Him. 
He  was  always  the  greatest  case  to  be  out  in  the  woods 
and  lots,  findin'  everything — and  sometimes  I  have 
almost  thought  the  trash  he  thinks  so  much  of,  such 


120  THOMAS  J.  RIDICULES  THE  QUIRE. 

as  shells  and  pieces  of  rock  and  stun,  and  flowers  and 
moss,  are  a  kind  of  means  of  grace  to  him,  and  then 
agin  I  don't  know.  If  I  really  thought  they  was  I 
don't  suppose  I  should  have  pitched  'em  out  of  the 
winder  so  many  times  as  I  have,  clutterin'  up  the 
house  so. 

I  worry  about  him  awfully  sometimes,  and  then  agin 
I  lay  holt  of  the  promises.  Now  last  Saturday  night 
to  have  heard  him  go  on,  about  the  Jonesville  quire, 
you'd  a  thought  he  never  had  a  sober,  solemn  thought 
in  his  head.  They  meet  to  practice  Saturday  nights, 
and  he  had  been  to  hear  'em.  I  stood  his  light  talk 
as  long  as  I  could,  and  finally  I  told  him  to  stop  it, 
for  I  would  not  hear  him  go  on  so. 

"  Wall,"  says  he,  "  you  go  yourself  mother  some 
time,  and  see  thier  carryin's  on.  Why,"  says  he,  "  if 
fightin'  entitles  anybody  to  a  pension,  they  ought  to 
draw  96  dollars  a  year,  every  one  of  'em — you  go 
yourself,  and  hear  'em  rehearse  if  you  dont  believe 
me — "  and  then  he  begun  to  sing, 

'Just  before  the  battle,  mother, 
I  am  thinkin'  now  of  you.' 

"  I'll  be  hanged  if  I  would  rehearse,"  says  Josiah, 
"  what  makes  'em  ?  " 

"  Let  'em  rehearse,"  says  I  sternly,  "  I  should  think 
chere  was  need  enough  of  it." 

It  happened  that  very  next  night,  Elder  Morton 
preached  to  the  red  school  house,  and  Josiah  hitched 


WE  GO  TO  THE  REHEARSAL.  121 

up  the  old  mare,  and  we  went  over.  It  was  the  first 
time  I  had  been  out  sense  the  axideiit.  Thomas  J. 
and  Tirzah  Ann  walked. 

Josiah  and  I  sot  right  behind  the  quire,  and  we 
could  hear  every  word  they  said,  and  while  Elder  Mer- 
ton  was  readin'  the  hymn,  "  How  sweet  for  brethren 
to  agree,"  old  Gowdey  whispered  to  Mr.  Peedick  in 
wrathful  accents, 

"  I  wonder  if  you  will  put  us  all  to  open  shame 
to-night  by  screechin'  two  or  three  notes  above  us 
all  3" 

He  caught  my  keen  grey  eye  fixed  sternly  upon 
him,  and  his  tone  changed  in  a  minute  to  a  mild, 
sheepish  one,  and  he  added  smilin'  "  as  it  were,  deah 
brother  Peedick." 

Mr.  Peedick  designed  not  to  reply  to  him,  for  he 
was  shakin,  his  fist  at  one  of  the  younger  brethrin'  in 
the  quire,  and  says  he, 

"  Let  me  catch  you  pressin'  the  key  agin  to-night, 
you  young  villain,  if  you  think  it  is  best." 

"  I  shall  press  as  many  keys  as  I  am  a  minter  for 
all  you.  You'r  always  findin'  fault  with  sunthin'  or 
other,"  muttered  he. 

Betsey  Bobbet  and  Sophronia  Gowdey  was  lookin' 
at  each  other  all  this  time  with  looks  that  made  ones 
blood  run  cold  in  thier  vains. 

Mr.  Peedick  commenced  the  tune,  but  unfortunately 
struck  into  short  metre.  They  all  commenced  loud 
and  strong,  but  couldn't  get  any  further  than  "  How 


122  A  UNITED 'BAND. 

sweet  for  bretherin."  As  they  all  come  to  a  sudden 
halt  there  in  front  of  that  word — Mr.  Gowdey— lookin' 
daggers  at  Mr.  Peedick— took  out  his  pitch  fork,  as  if  it 
was  a  pistol,  and  he  was  goin'  to  shoot  him  with  it, 
but  apply  in'  it  to  his  own  ear,  he  started  off  on  the 
longest  metre  that  had  ever  been  in  our  neighbor 
hood.  After  addin'  the  tune  to  the  words,  there  was 
so  much  tune  to  carry,  that  the  best  calculator  in  tunes 
couldn't  do  it. 

At  that  very  minute  when  it  looked  dark,  and 
gloomy  indeed  for  the  quire,  an  old  lady,  the  best 
behaved  in  the  quire,  who  had  minded  her  own  busi 
ness,  and  chawed  caraway  peacefully,  come  out  and 
started  it  to  the  tune  of  "  Oh  that  will  be  joyful." 

They  all  joined  in  at  the  top  of  their  voice,  and 
though  they  each  one  put  in  flats  and  sharps  to  suit 
thier  own  taste,  they  kinder  hung  together  till  they 
got  to  the  chorus,  and  then  Mr.  Gowdey  looked  round 
and  frowned  fiercely  at  Shakespeare  Bobbet  who 
seemed  to  be  flattin'  most  of  any  of  'em,  and  Betsey 
Bobbet  punched  Sophronia  Gowdey  in  the  side  with 
her  parasol,  and  told  her  she  was  "disgracin'  the 
quire — and  to  sing  slower,"  and  then  they  all  yelled 

How  sweet  is  unitee — e 

How  sweet  is  unitee, 

How  sweet  for  bretheren'  to  agr««, 

How  sweet  is  unitee. 


THE  ENTIRE  ORKUSSTREE. 


123 


iv  earned  as  if  the  very  feather  on  my  bunnet  stood 
up  straight,  to  hear  'em,  it  was  so  awful.  Then  they 
collected  their  strength,  and  drawin'  long  breaths,  they 


THE    SINGING    QUIRE. 

yelled  out  the  next  verses  like  wild  Indians  round 
sufferin'  whites  they  was  inurderin'.  If  any  one  had 
iron  ears,  it  would  have  went  off  well,  all  but  for  one 
thing — there  was  an  old  man  who  insisted  on  bein' 
in  the  quire,  who  was  too  blind  to  see  the  words,  and 
always  sung  by  ear,  and  bein'  a  little  deaf  he  got  the 
words  wrong,  but  he  sung  out  loud  and  clear  like  a 
trembone, 

How  sweet   is  onion  tee — e, 
How  sweet  is  onion  tea. 

Elder  Merton  made  a  awful  good  prayer,  about  tri- 


124:  A  ARTISTIC  DUETT. 

als  purify  in'  folks  and  makin'  'cm  better,  and  the  same 
heroic  patient  look  was  on  his  face,  when  he  give  out 
the  next  him. 

This  piece  begun  with  a  long  duett  between  the 
tenor  and  the  alto,  and  Betsey  Bobbet  by  open  war 
and  strategim  had  carried  the  day,  and  was  to  sing  this 
part  alone  with  the  tenor.  She  knew  the  Editer  of 
the  Augur  was  the  only  tenor  singer  in  the  quire. 
She  was  so  proud  and  happy  thinkin'  she  was  goin'  to 
sing  alone  with  him,  that  not  rightly  sensin'  where 
she  was,  and  what  she  was  about,  she  pitched  her  part 
too  low,  and  here  was  where  I  had  my  trial  with 
Josiah. 

There  is  no  more  sing  to  Josiah  Allen  than  there  is 
to  a  one  horse  wagon,  and  I  have  tried  to  convince 
him  of  it,  but  I  can't,  and  he  will  probably  go  down 
to  the  grave  thinkin'  he  can  sing  base.  But  thier  is 
no  sing  to  it,  that,  I  will  contend  for  with  my  last 
breath,  it  is  nothin'  more  nor  less  than  a  roar.  But 
one  thing  I  will  give  him  the  praise  of,  he  is  a  dread 
ful  willin'  man  in  the  time  of  trouble,  and  if  he  takes 
it  into  his  head  that  it  is  his  duty  to  sing,  you  can't 
stop  him  no  more  than  you  can  stop  a  clap  of  thunder, 
and  when  he  does  let  his  voice  out,  he  lets  it  out 
strong,  I  can  tell  you.  As  Betsey  finished  the  first 
line,  I  heard  him  say  to  himself. 

"  It  is  a  shame  for  one  woman  to  sing  base  alone,  in 
a  room  full  of  men."  And  before  I  could  stop  him, 


JOSIAII  BREAKS  OUT  IN  SONG.  125 

he  struck  in  with  his  awful  energy,  you  couldn't  hear 
Betsey's  voice,  nor  the  Editor's,  no  more  than  you 
could  hear  two  flies  buzzin'  in  a  car  whistle.  It  was 
dreadful.  And  as  he  finished  the  first  verse,  I  ketched 
hold  of  his  vest,  I  didn't  stand  up,  by  reason  of  bein' 
lame  yet  from  the  axident — and  says  I, 

"  If  you  sing  another  verse  in  that  way,  I'll  part 
with  you,"  says  I,  "  what  do  you  mean  Josiah  Allen  ?" 

Says  he,  lookin'  doun  on  me  with  the  persperation  a 
pourin'  down  his  face, 

"  I  am  a  singin'  base." 

Says   I,  "Do  you  set  down  and  behave    yourself, 
she  has  pitched  it  too  low,  it  hain't  base,  Josiah." 

Says   he,  "I  know  better  Samantha,  it  is  base,  I 
guess  I  know  base  when  I  hear  it." 

But  I  still  held  him  by  the  vest,  determined  that  he 
shouldn't  start  off  again,  if  I  could  hender  it,  and  jest 
at  that  minute  the  duett  begun  agin,  and  Sop] iron ia 
Gowdey  took  advantage  of  Betsey's  indignation  and 
suprise,  and  took  the  part  right  out  of  her  mouth,  and 
struck  in  with  the  Editer  of  the  Augur — she  is  kinder 
after  him  too,  and  she  broke  out  with  the  curiousest 
variations  you  ever  heard.  The  warblin's  and  quaver- 
in's  and  shakin's,  she  put  in  was  the  curiousest  of  any 
thing  I  ever  heard.  And  thankful  was  I  that  it  took 
up  Josiah's  attention  so,  that  he  sunk  down  on  his 
seat,  and  listened  to  'em  with  breathless  awe,  and  never 
offered  to  put  in  his  note  at  all. 
6 


120  BETSEYS  POETICAL  REMONSTRANCE. 

I  waited  till  they  got  through  singin'  and  then  I 
whispered  to  him,  and  says  I, 

"  Now  do  you  keep  still  for  the  rest  of  this  meetin' 
Josiah  Allen." 

Says  he,  "As  long  as  I  call  myself  a  man,  I  will 
have  the  privilege  of  singin'  base." 

"Sing"  says  I  in  a  tone  almost  cold  enough  to 
make  his  whiskers  frosty,  "  I'd  call  it  singirt  if  I  was 
you."  It  worried  me  all  through  meetin'  time,  and 
thankful  was  I  when  he  dropped  off  into  a  sweet  sleep 
jest  before  meetin'  was  out.  He  never  heard  'em  sing 
the  last  time,  and  I  had  to  hunch  him  for  the 
benediction. 

In  the  next  week's  Augur  came  out  a  lot  of  verses, 
among  which  were  the  following :  they  were  headed 

SORROWS   OF   THE    HEART. 
Written  on  bein»  broken  into,  while  singin'  a  duett  with  a  deah  friend 

BY   BETSY   BOBBET. 
*####-X-## 

And  sweetness  neveh  seems  so  sweet, 
As  when  his  voice  and  mine  doth  meet> 
I  rise,  I  soah,  earth's  sorrows  leaving, 
I  almost  seem  to  be  in  heaveng. 

But  when  we  are  sweetly  going  on, 
Tis  hard  to  be  broke  in  upon; 
To  drounded  be,  oh  foul  disgrace, 
In  awful  roars  of  dreadful  base. 

And  when  another  female  in  her  vain  endeavors, 
To  fascinate  a  certain  noble  man,  puts  in  suchquaveri, 
And  trills  and  warbles  with  such  sickish  variation, 
It  don't  raise  her  at  all  in  that  man's  estimation. 

There  was  13  verses  and  Josiah  read  them  all,  but  I 
wouldn't  read  but  7  of  'em.  I  don't  like  poetry. 


MISS  SHAKESPEARE'S  EARRINGS. 


Them  verses  of  Betsey's  kinder  worked  Josiah  up? 
I  know,  though  he  didn't  say  much.  That  line  "dread 
ful  roars  of  awful  base "  mortified  him,  I  know,  be 
cause  he  actually  did  think  that  he  sung  pretty  enough 
for  a  orkusstry.  I  didn't  say  much  to  him  about  it. 
I  don't  believe  in  twittin'  all  the  time,  about  anything, 
for  it  makes  anybody  feel  as  unpleasant  as  it  does  to 
set  down  on  a  paper  of  carpet  tacks.  I  only  said  to 
him — 

"  I  tried  to  convince  you,  Josiah,  that  you  couldn't 
sing,  for  14  years,  and  now  that  it  has  come  out  in  po 
etry  mebby  you'll  believe  it.  I  guess  you'll  listen  to 
me  another  time,  Josiah  Allen." 

He  says,  "  I  wish  you  wouldn't  be  so  aggravating 
Samantha." 

That  was  all  that  was  said  on  either  side.  But  I 
noticed  that  he  didn't  sing  any  more.  We  went  to 

several  conference  meetin's  that  week,  and  not  one 

127 


128  ANOTHER  VISIT  FROM  BETSEY. 

roar  did  he  give.  It  was  an  awful  relief  to  me,  for  I 
never  felt  safe  for  a  minute,  not  knowin'  when  he 
would  break  out. 

The  next  week  Saturday  after  the  poetry  come 
out,  Tirzah  took  it  into  her  head  that  she  wanted  to 
go  to  Elder  Morton's  a  visitin' ;  Maggie  Snow  was  a 
goin'  to  meet  her  there,  and  I  told  her  to  go — I'd  get 
along  with  the  work  somehow. 

I  had  to  work  pretty  hard,  but  then  I  got  it  all  out 
of  the  way  early,  and  my  head  combed  and  my  dress 
changed,  and  I  was  jest  pinnin'  my  linen  coller  over 
my  clean  gingham  dress  (broun  and  black  plaid)  to  the 
lookin'  glass,  when  lookin'  up,  who  should  I  see  but 
Betsey  Bobbet  comin'  through  the  gate.  She  stopped 
a  minute  to  Tirzah  Ann's  posy  bed,  and  then  she  come 
along  kinder  gradually,  and  stopped  and  looked  at  my 
new  tufted  bedspread  that  I  have  got  out  a  whiten  in' 
on  the  grass,  and  then  she  come  up  the  steps  and 
come  in. 

Somehow  I  was  kinder  glad  to  see  her  that  day.  I 
had  had  first  rate  hick  with  all  my  bakin',  every 
thing  had  turned  out  well,  and  I  felt  real  reconciled 
to  havin'  a  visit  from  her. 

But  I  see  she  looket  ruther  gloomy,  and  after  she 
sot  down  and  took  out  her  tattin'  and  begun  to  tat,  she 
spoke  up  and  says  she — 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  I  feel  aAvful  deprested  to-day." 

u  What  is  the  matter  ?"  says  I  in  a  cheerful  tone. 


BETSEY  BEMOANS  HER  LONELY  STATE.  129 

"  I  feel  lonely,"  says  she,  "  more  lonely  than  I  have 
felt  for  yeahs." 

Again  says  I  kindly  but  firmly — 

"  What  is  the  matter,  Betsey  ?" 

"  I  had  a  dream  last  night,  Josiah  Allen's  wife." 

"  "What  was  it  ?"  says  I  in  a  sympathizin'  accent,  for 
she  did  look  meloncholly  and  sad  indeed. 

"  I  dreamed  I  was  married,  Josiah  Allen's  wife," 
says  she  in  a  heart-broken  tone,  and  she  laid  her  hand 
on  my  arm  in  her  deep  emotion.  "  I  tell  you  it  was 
hard  after  dreamin'  that,  to  wake  up  again  to  the  cold 
realities  and  cares  of  this  life;  it  was  hard"  she  re 
peated,  and  a  tear  gently  flowed  down  her  Eoman  nose 
and  dropped  off  onto  her  overskirt.  She  knew  salt 
water  would  spot  otter  color  awfully,  and  so  she  drew 
her  handkerchief  out  of  her  pocket,  and  spread  it  in 
her  lap,  (it  was  white  trimmed  with  narrow  edgeiir) 
and  continued — 

"  Life  seemed  so  hard  and  lonesome  to  me,  that  I 
sot  up  in  the  end  of  the  bed  and  wept.  I  tried  to  get 
to  sleep  again,  hopin'  I  would  dream  it  ovah,  but  1 
could  not." 

And  again  two  salt  tears  fell  in  about  the  middle  of 
the  handkerchief.  I  see  she  needed  consolation,  and 
my  gratitude  made  me  feel  soft  to  her,  and  so  says  I 
in  a  reasurin'  tone — 

"  To  be  sure  husbands  are  handy  on  4th  of  July's, 
and  funeral  prosessions,  it  looks  kinder  lonesome  to 


130  BETSEY  IS  WILLIN'. 

see  a  woman  streamin'  along  alone,  but  they  are  cor 
trary  creeters,  Betsey,  when  they  are  a  mind  to  be." 

And  then  to  turn  the  conversation  and  get  her  mil/ 
offen  her  trouble,  says  I, 

"  How  did  you  like  my  bed  spread,  Betsey  2" 

"  It  is  beautiful,"  says  she  sorrowfully. 

"  Yes,"  says  I,  "  it  looks  well  enough  now  its  done, 
but  it  most  wore  my  fingers  out  a  tuftin'  it — it's  » 
sight  of  work." 

But  I  saw  how  hard  it  was  to  draw  her  mind  off 
from  broodin'  over  her  troubles,  for  she  spoke  in  a 
mournful  tone, 

"  How  sweet  it  must  be  to  weah  the  fingers  out  for 
a  deah  companion.  I  would  be  willing  to  weah  mine 
clear  down  to  the  bone.  I  made  a  vow  some  yeahs 
ago."  says  she,  kinder  chirkin'  up  a  little,  and  begin- 
nin'  to  tat  agin.  "I  made  a  vow  yeahs  ago  that 
I  would  make  my  deah  future  companion  happy,  for  I 
would  neveh,  neveh  fail  to  meet  him  with  a  sweet 
smile  as  he  came  home  to  me  at  twilight.  I  felt  that 
that  was  all  he  would  requireh  to  make  him  happy. 
Do  you  think  it  was  a  rash  vow,  Josiah  Allen's  wife  ?" 

"  Oh,"  says  I  in  a  sort  of  blind  way,  "  I  guess  it 
won't  do  any  hurt.  But,  if  a  man  couldn't  have 
but  one  of  the  two,  a  smile  or  a  supper,  as  he  come 
home  at  night,  I  believe  he  would  take  the  supper." 

"  Oh  deah,"  says  Betsey,"  such  cold,  practical  ideahs 
are  painful  to  me." 

"  Wall,"  says  I  cheerfully  but  firmly,  "  if  you  ever 


A  SMILE  OR  A  SUPPER.  131 

have  the  opportunity,  you  try  both  ways.  You  jest 
let  your  fire  go  out,  and  your  house  and  you  look  like 
fury,  and  nothin'  to  eat,  and  you  stand  on  the  door 
smilin'  like  a  first  class  idiot — and  then  agin  you  have 
a  first  rate  supper  on  the  table,  stewed  oysters,  and 
warm  biscuit  and  honey,  or  somethin'  else  first  rate, 
and  a  bright  fire  shinin'  on  a  clean  hearth,  and  the  tea 
kettle  a  singin',  and  the  tea-table  all  set  out  neat  as  a 
pink,  and  you  goin'  round  in  a  cheerful,  sensible  way 
gettin'  the  supper  onto  the  table,  and  you  jest  watch, 
and  see  which  of  the  two  ways  is  the  most  agreable 
to  him. 

Betsey  still  looked  unconvinced,  and  I  proceeded 
onwards. 

"  Now  I  never  was  any  hand  to  stand  and  smile  at 
Josiah  for  two  or  three  hours  on  a  stretch,  it  would 
make  me  feel  like  a  natural  born  idiot ;  but  I  always 
have  a  bright  fire,  and  a  warm  supper  a  waitin'  for 
him  when  he  comes  home  at  night." 

"  Oh  food !  food  !  what  is  food  to  the  deathless  emo 
tions  of  the  soul.  What  does  the  aching  young  heart 
care  for  what  food  it  eats — let  my  deah  future  com 
panion  smile  on  me,  and  that  is  enough." 

Says  I  in  reasonable  tones,  "  A  man  can't  smile  on 
an  empty  stomach  Betsey,  not  for  any  length  of  time. 
And  no  man  can't  eat  soggy  bread,  with  little  chunks 
of  salaratus  in  it,  and  clammy  potatoes,  and  beefsteak 
burnt  and  raw  in  spots,  and  drink  dishwatery  tea,  and 


132  CORRECTIN'  A  HUSBAND. 

muddy  coffee,  and  smile — or  they  might  give  one  or 
2  sickly,  deathly  smiles,  but  they  wouldn't  keep  it  upj 
you  depend  upon  it  they  wouldn't,  and  it  haint  in  the 
natur'  of  a  man  to,  and  I  say  they  hadn't  ought  to. 
I  have  seen  bread  Betsey  Bobbet,  that  was  enough  to 
break  down  any  man's  affection  for  a  woman,  unless 
he  had  firm  principle  to  back  it  up — and  love's  young 
dream  has  been  drounded  in  thick,  muddy  coffee 
more'n  once.  If  there  haint  anything-  pleasant  in  a 
man's  home  how  can  he  keep  attached  to  it  ?  Nobody, 
man  nor  woman  can't  respect  what  haint  respectable, 
or  love  what  haint  lovable.  I  believe  in  bein'  cheer 
ful  Betsey ;  a  complainin',  fretful  woman  in  the  house, 
is  worse  than  a  cold,  drizzlin'  rain  comin'  right  down 
all  the  time  onto  the  cook  stove.  Of  course  men  have 
to  be  corrected,  I  correct  Josiah  frequently,  but  I 
believe  in  doin'  it  all  up  at  one  time  and  then  have  it 
over  with,  jest  like  a  smart  dash  of  a  thunder  shower 
that  clears  up  the  air." 

"  Oh,  how  a  female  woman  that  is  blest  with  a  deah 
companion,  can  even  speak  of  correcting  him,  is  a  mys 
tery  to  me." 

But  again  I  spoke,  and  my  tone  was  as  firm  and 
lofty  as  Bunker  Hill  monument — 

"  Men  have  to  be  corrected,  Betsey,  there  wouldn't 
be  no  livin'  with  'em  unless  you  did." 

"  Well,"  says  she,  "  you  can  entertain  such  views  as 
you  will,  but  for  me,  I  will  bj  clihgin'in  my  nature, 


HARD  FATE  OF  BETSEY.  133 

I  will  be  respected  by  men,  they  do  so  love  to  have 
wimmin  clingin',  that  I  will,  until  I  die,  carry  out  this 
belief  that  is  so  sweet  to  them — until  I  die  I  will  nevah 
let  go  of  this  speah." 

I  didn't  say  nothing  for  gratitude  tied  up  my  tongue, 
but  as  I  rose  and  went  up  stairs  to  wind  me  a  little 
more  yarn — I  thought  I  wouldn't  bring  down  the  swifts 
for  so  little  as  I  wanted  to  wind— I  thought  sadly  to 
myself,  what  a  hard,  hard  time  she  had  had,  sense  I 
had  known  her,  a  handlin'  that  spear.  "We  got  to 
talkin'  about  it  the  other  day,  how  long  she  had  been 
a  handlin'  of  it.  Says  Thomas  Jefferson,  "  She  has 
been  brandishin'  it  for  fifty  years." 

Says  I,  "  Shet  up,  Thomas  J.,  she  haint  been  born 
longer  ago  than  that." 

Says  he — "She  was  born  with  that  spear  in  her 
hand." 

But  as  I  said  she  has  had  a  hard  and  mournful  time 
a  tryin'  to  make  a  runnin'  vine  of  herself  sense  I  knew 
her.  And  Josiah  says  she  was  at  it,  for  years  before 
I  ever  see  her.  She  has  tried  to  make  a  vine  of  her 
self  to  all  kinds  of  trees,  straight  and  crooked,  sound 
and  rotten,  young  and  old.  Her  mind  is  sot  the  most 
now,  on  the  Editer  of  the  Augur,  but  she  pays  atten 
tion  to  any  and  every  single  man  that  comes  in  her 
way.  And  it  seems  strange  to  me  that  them  that 
preach  up  this  doctrine  of  woman's  only  spear,  don't 
admire  one  who  carry s  it  out  to  its  full  extent.  It 


134  WOMAN  AS  A  RUNNING  VINE. 

seems  kinder  ungrateful  in  'em,  to  think  that  whey 
Betsey  is  so  willin'  to  be  a  vine,  they  will  not  be  % 
tree ;  but  they  won't,  they  seem  sot  against  it. 

I  say  if  men  insist  on  makin'  runnin'  vines  of  wim- 
iniu,  they  ought  to  provide  trees  for  'em  to  run  up  on^ 
it  haint  nothin'  more'n  justice  that  they  should,  but 
they  won't  and  don't.  Now  ten  years  ago  the  Metho 
dist  minister  before  Elder  Wesley  Minkly  came,  was  a 
widower  of  some  twenty  odd  years,  and  he  was  sorely 
stricken  with  years  and  rheumatiz.  But  Betsey  showed 
plainly  her  willin'ness  and  desire  to  be  a  vine,  if  he 
would  be  a  tree.  But  he  would  not  be  a  tree — he 
acted  real  obstinate  about  it,  considerin'  his  belief. 
For  he  was  awful  opposed  to  wimmin's  havin'  any 
rights  only  the  right  to  marry.  He  preached  a  beau 
tiful  sermon  about  woman's  holy  mission,  and  how 
awful  it  was  in  her,  to  have  any  ambition  outside  of 
her  own  home.  And  how  sweet  it  was  to  see  her  in 
her  confidiii'  weakness  and  gentleness  clingin'  to  man's 
manly  strength.  There  wasn't  a  dry  eye  in  the  house 
only  mine.  Betsey  wept  aloud,  she  was  so  affected 
by  it.  And  it  was  beautiful,  I  don't  deny  it ;  I  always 
respected  clingers.  But  I  love  to  see  folks  use  reason. 
And  I  say  again,  how  can  a  woman  cling  when  she 
haint  got  nothin'  to  cling  to  ?  That  day  I  put  it  fair 
and  square  to  our  old  minister,  he  went  home  with  us 
to  supper,  and  he  begun  on  me  about  wimmin's  rights, 
for  he  knew  I  believe  in  wimmin's  havin  a  right.  Says 


THE  ELDER'S  CHOICE.  135 

lie,  t(  It  is  fly  in'  in  the  face  of  the  Bible  for  a  woman 
not  to  marry." 

Says  I,  "Elder  how  can  any  lady  make  brick  with 
out  straw  or  sand — how  can  a  woman  marry  without 
a  man  is  forthcomin'  ?"  says  I,  "wimmen's  will  may  be 
good,  but  there  is  some  things  she  can  not  do,  and  this 
is  one  of  'em."  Says  I,  "  as  our  laws  are  at  present  no 
women  can  marry  unless  she  has  a  man  to  marry  to. 
And  if  the  man  is  obstinate  and  hangs  back  what  is 
she  to  do  3" 

He  begun  to  look  a  little  sheepish  and  tried  to  kin 
der  turn  off  the  subject  on  to  religion. 

But  no  steamboat  ever  sailed  onward  under  the  pow 
er  of  biled  water  steam,  more  grandly  than  did  Sa- 
mantha  Allen's  words  under  the  steam  of  bilein  prin 
ciple.  I  fixed  my  eyes  upon  him  with  seemin'ly  an 
arrow  in  each  one  of  'em,  and  says  I — 

"  Which  had  you  rather  do  Elder,  let  Betsey  Bob- 
bet  vote,  or  cling  to  you  ?  She  is  fairly  achin'  to  make 
a  runnin'  vine  of  herself,  and  says  I,  in  slow,  deep, 
awful  tones,  are  you  willin'  to  be  a  tree  f 

Again  he  weakly  murmured  somethin'  on  the  sub 
ject  of  religion,  but  I  asked  him  again  in  slower,  aw- 
fuler  tones. 

"Are  you  willirf  to  be  a  tree?" 

He  turned  to  Josiah,  and  says  he,  "  I  guess  I  will 
go  out  to  the  barn  and  bring  in  my  saddle  bags."  He 
had  come  to  stay  all  night.  And  that  man  went  to  the 


1 36  THE  CARPET  PEDLER. 

barn  smit  and  conscience  struck,  and  haint  opened  his 
head  to  me  sense  about  wimmin's  not  havin'  a  right. 

I  had  jest  arrived  at  this  crysis  in  my  thoughts,  and 
had  also  got  my  yarn  wound  up — my  yarn  and  my 
revery  endin'  up  at  jest  the  same  time,  when  Betsey 
came  to  the  foot  of  the  stairs  and  called  out — 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  a  gentleman  is  below,  and 
craves  an  audience  with  you." 

I  sot  back  my  swifts,  and  went  down,  expectin'  from 
the  reverential  tone  of  her  voice  to  see  a  United  States 
Governor,  or  a  Deacon  at  the  very  least.  But  it  wasn't 
either  of  'em,  it  was  a  peddler.  He  wanted  to  know 
if  I  could  get  some  dinner  for  him,  and  I  thinkin'  one 
more  trial  wouldn't  kill  me  said  I  would.  He  was  a 
loose  jinted  sort  of  a  chap,  with  his  hat  sot  onto  one 
side  of  his  head,  but  his  eyes  had  a  twinkle  to  'em, 
that  give  the  idee  that  he  knew  what  he  was  about. 

After  dinner  he  kep'  a  bringin'  on  his  goods  from 
his  cart,  and  praisin'  'em  up,  the  lies  that  man  told 
was  enough  to  apaul  the  ablest  bodied  man,  but  Bet 
sey  swallowed  every  word.  After  I  had  coldly  reject 
ed  all  his  other  overtures  for  tradin',  he  brought  on  a 
strip  of  stair  carpetin',  a  thin  striped  yarn  carpet,  and 
says  he — 

"Can't  I  sell  you  this  beautiful  carpet?  it  is  the 
pure  Ingrain." 

"Ingrain,"  says  I,  "so  be  you  Ingrain  as  much," 

"I  guess  I  know,"  says  he,  "for  I  bought  it  of  old 


BOUND  FOR  A  TRADE.  1ST 

Ingrain  himself,  I  give  the  old  man  12  shillings  a  yard 
for  it,  but  seem'  it  is  you,  and  I  like  your  looks  so 
much,  and  it  seems  so  much  like  home  to  me  here,  I 
will  let  you  have  it  for  75  cents,  cheaper  than  dirt  to 
walk  on,  or  boards." 

"I  don't  wan't  it,"  says  I,  "I  have  got  carpets 
enough." 

"  Do  you  want  it  for  50  cents  ?"  says  he  follerin'  me 
to  the  wood-box. 

"No  !"  says  I  pretty  sharp,  for  I  don't  want  to  say 
no  two  times,  to  anybody. 

"  Would  25  cents  be  any  indoosement  to  you  ?'  says 
he,  follerin'  me  to  the  buttery  door. 

"  No  !"  says  I  in  my  most  energetic  voice,  and  started 
for  the  suller  with  a  plate  of  nutcakes. 

"Would  18  pence  tempt  you?"  says  he,  hollerin' 
down  the  suller  way. 

Then  says  I,  comin'  up  out  of  the  suller  with  the 
old  Smith  blood  bilin'  up  in  my  veins,  "  Say  another 
word  to  me  about  your  old  stair  carpet  if  you  dare ; 
jest  let  me  ketch  you  at  it,"  says  I ;  "be  I  goin'  to 
have  you  traipse  all  over  the  house  after  me  ?  be  I  go- 
in'  to  be  made  crazy  as  a  loon  by  you  ?" 

"  Oh,  Josiah  Allen's  wife,"  says  Betsey,  "  do  not 
be  so  hasty  ;  of  course  the  gentleman  wishes  to  dispose 
of  his  goods,  else  why  should  he  be  in  the  mercanteel 
business  ?" 

I  didn't  say  nothin' — gratitude  still  had  holt  of  me 


138  BILL  SHAKESPEARE'S  PURCHASE. 

— but  I  inwardly  determined  that  not  one  word  would 
I  say  if  he  cheated  her  out  of  her  eye  teeth. 

Addressin'  his  attention  to  Betsey,  he  took  a  pair 
of  old  fashioned  ear  rings  out  of  his  jacket  pocket,  and 
says  he — 

"  I  carry  these  in  my  pocket  for  fear  I  will  be  robbed 
of  'em.  I  hadn't  ought  to  carry  'em  at  all,  a  single 
man  goin'  alone  round  the  country  as  I  do,  but  I  have 
got  a  pistol,  and  let  anybody  tackle  me  for  these  ear 
rings  if  they  dare  to,"  says  he,  lookin'  savage. 

"  Is  thier  intrinsick  worth  so  large  ?"  says  Betsey, 

"  It  haint  so  much  thier  neat  value,"  says  he,  "  al 
though  that  is  enormous,  as  who  owned  'em  informally. 
Whose  ears  do  you  suppose  these  have  had  hold  of?" 

"How  can  I  judge,"  says  Betsey  with  a  winnin' 
smile,  "  nevah  havin'  seen  them  before." 

"  Jest  so,"  says  he,  "  you  never  was  acquainted  with 
'em,  but  these  very  identical  creeters  used  to  belong 
to  Miss  Shakespeare.  Yes,  these  belonged  to  Ham 
let's  mother,"  says  he,  lookin'  pensively  upon  them. 
"Bill  bought  'em  at  old  Stratford." 

"  Bill  ?"  says  Betsey  inquirin'ly. 

"Yes,"  says  he,  "old  Shakespeare.  I  have  been 
reared  with  his  folks  so  much,  that  I  have  got  into  the 
habit  of  callin'  him  Bill,  jest  as  they  do." 

"Then  you  have  been  there?"  says  Betsey  with  a 
admirin'  look. 

"Oh  yes,   wintered   there   and  partly   summered. 


AN  AFFECTIN'  SELL  189 

But  as  I  was  sayin'  William  bought  'em  and  give  'em 
to  his  wife,  when  he  first  begun  to  pay  attention  to 
her.  Bill  bought  'em  at  a  auction  of  a  one-eyed  man 
with  a  wooden  leg,  by  the  name  of  Brown.  Miss 
Shakespeare  wore  'em  as  long  as  she  lived,  and  they 
was  kept  in  the  family  till  I  bought  'em.  A  sister  of 
one  of  his  brother-in-laws  was  obleeged  to  part  with 
'em  to  get  morpheen." 

"  I  suppose  you  ask  a  large  price  for  them  ?"  says 
Betsey,  examanin'  'em  with  a  reverential  look  onto 
her  countenance. 

"  How  much !  how  much  you  remind  me  of  a  favor 
ite  sister  of  mine,  who  died  when  she  was  fifteen.  She 
was  considered  by  good  judges  to  be  the  handsomest 
girl  in  North  America.  But  business  before  pleasure. 
I  ought  to  have  upwards  of  30  dollars  a  head  for  'em, 
but  seein'  it  is  you,  and  it  haint  no  ways  likely  I  shall 
ever  meet  with  another  wo —  young  girl  that  I  feel 
under  bonds  to  sell  'em  to,  you  may  have  'em  for  13 
dollars  and  a  £." 

"  That  is  more  money  than  I  thought  of  expendin' 
to-day,"  says  Betsey  in  a  thoughtful  tone. 

"  Let  me  tell  you  what  I  will  do  ;  I  don't  care  seein' 
it  is  you,  if  I  do  get  cheated,  I  am  willin'  to  be  cheated 
by  one  that  looks  so  much  like  that  angel  sister.  Give 
me  13  dollars  and  a  £,  and  I  will  throw  in  the  pin  that 
goes  with  'em.  I  did  want  to  keep  that  to  remind  me 
of  them  happy  days  at  old  Stratford,"  and  he  took  the 


140  THOMAS  J.  TURNS  POET. 

breastpin  out  of  his  pocket,  and  put  it  in  her  hand  in 
a  quick  kind  of  a  way.  «  Take  'em,"  says  he,  turnin' 
his  eyes  away,  "  take  Jem  and  put  'em  out  of  my  sight, 
quick  !  or  I  shall  repent." 

"  I  do  not  want  to  rob  you  of  them/'  says  Betsey 
tenderly. 

"  Take  'em,"  says  he  in  a  wild  kind  of  a  way,  "take 
'em,  and  give  me  the  money  quick,  before  I  am  com 
pletely  unmanned." 

She  handed  him  the  money,  and  says  he  in  agitated 
tones,  "  Take  care  of  the  ear  rings,  and  heaven  bless 
you."  And  he  ketched  up  his  things,  and  started  off 
in  a  awful  hurry.  Betsey  gazed  pensively  out  of  the 
winder,  till  he  disapeared  in  the  distance,  and  then  she 
begun  to  brag  about  her  ear  rings,  as  Miss  Shake 
speare's  relicks.  Thomas  Jefferson  praised  'em  awfully 
to  Betsey's  face,  when  he  came  home,  but  when  I  was 
in  the  buttery  cuttin'  cake  for  supper,  he  come  and 
leaned  over  me  and  whispered — 

"  Who  bought  for  gold  the  purest  brass  ? 
Mother,  who  brought  this  grief  to  pass  ? 
What  is  this  maiden's  name  ?  Alas  ! 

Betsey  Bobbet," 

And  when  I  went  dowj.   suller  for  the  butter,  he 
come  and  stood  in  the  outside  suller  door,  and  says  he, 

"  How  was  she  fooled,  this  lovely  dame  9 
How  was  her  reason  overcame  ? 
What  was  this  lovely  creature's  name? 

Betsey  Bobbet." 


BETSEY  IS  ENLIGHTENED.  143 

That  is  jest  the  way  he  kep'  at  it,  he  would  kinder 

ippen  round  where  I  was,  and  every  chance  he  would 
he  would  have  over  a  string  of  them  verses,  till  it 
lid  seem  as  if  I  should  go  crazy.  Finally  I  said  to 
tim  in  tones  before  which  he  quailed, 

"  If  I  hear  one  word  more  of  poetry  from  you  to- 
light  I  will  complain  to  your  father,"  says  I  wildly, 

I  don't  believe  there  is  another  woman  in  the  United 
States  that  suffers  so  much  from  poetry  as  I  do  !  "What 
have  I  done,"  says  I  still  more  wildly,  "  that  I  should 
be  so  tormented  by  it  ?"  says  I,  "  I  won't  hear  another 
word  of  poetry  to-night,"  says  I,  "  I  will  stand  for  my 
rights — I  will  not  be  drove  into  insanity  with  poetry." 

Betsey  started  for  home  in  good  season,  and  I  told 
her  I  would  go  as  fur  as  Squire  Edwards'es  with  her. 
Miss  Edwards  was  out  by  the  gate,  and  of  course  Bet 
sey  had  to  stop  and  show  the  ear  rings.  She  was  jest 
lookin'  at  'em  when  the  minister  and  Maggie  Snow 
and  Tirzah  Ann  drove  up  to  the  gate,  and  wanted  to 
know  what  we  was  lookin'  at  so  close,  and  Betsey, 
castin'  a  proud  and  haughty  look  onto  the  girls,  told 
him  that — 

"  It  was  a  paih  of  ear  rings  that  had  belonged  to 
the  immortal  Mr.  Shakespeah's  wife  informally." 

The  minute  Elder  Merton  set  his  eyes  on  'em, 
"  Why,"  says  he,  "  my  wife  sold  these  to  a  peddler 
to  day." 

"  Yes,"  says  Tirzah  Ann,  "  these  are  the  very  ones ; 


144  BETSEY  RECEIVES  A  BLOW. 

she  sold  them  for  a  dozen  shirt  buttons  and  a  paper  of 
pins." 

"  I  do  not  believe  it,"  says  Betsey  wildly. 

"  It  is  so,"  said  the  minister.  "  My  wife's  father 
got  them  for  her,  they  proved  to  be  brass,  and  so  slie 
never  wore  them ;  to-day  the  peddler  wanted  to  buy 
old  jewelry,  and  she  brought  out  some  broken  rings, 
and  these  were  in  the  box,  and  she  told  him  he  might 
have  them  in  welcome,  but  he  threw  out  the  buttons 
and  a  paper  of  pins." 

"  I  do  not  believe  it — I  cannot  believe  it,"  says  Bet 
sey  gaspin'  for  breath. 

"  "Well,  it  is  the  truth,"  says  Maggie  Snow  (she  can't 
bear  Betsey),  "  and  I  heard  him  say  he  would  get  'em 
oif  onto  some  fool,  and  make  her  think — " 

"  I  am  in  such  a  hurry  I  must  go,"  said  Betsey,  and 
she  left  without  sayin'  another  word. 


A  NIGHT  OF  TROUBLES. 


Truly  last  night  was  a  night  of  troubles  to  us.  We 
was  kept  awake  all  the  forepart  of  the  night  with 
cats  tightin'.  It  does  beat  all  how  they  went  on,  how 
many  there  was  of  'em  I  dont  know ;  Josiah  thought 
there  was  upwards  of  50.  I  myself  made  a  calm  esti 
mate  of  between  3  and  4.  But  I  tell  you  they  went 
in  strong  what  there  was  of  'em.  What  under  heav 
ens  they  found  to  talk  about  so  long,  and  in  such  un 
earthly  voices,  is  a  mystery  to  me.  You  couldn't  sleep 
no  more  than  if  you  was  in  Pandemonium.  And 
about  11,  I  guess  it  was,  I  heard  Thomas  Jefferson 
holler  out  of  his  chamber  winder,  (it  was  Friday  night 
and  the  children  was  both  to  home,)  says  he — 

"You  have  preached  long  enough  brothers  on  that 
text,  I'll  put  in  a  seventhly  for  you.''  And  then  I 
heard  a  brick  fall,  "  You've  protracted  your  meetin' 
here  plenty  long  enough.  You  may  adjourn  now  to 

somebody  else's  window  and    exhort   them  a  spell." 

145 


14:6  DISTURBED  BY  CATS. 

And  then  I  heard  another  brick  fall.  "  Now  I  wonder 
if  you'll  come  round  on  this  circuit  right  away." 

Thomas  Jeflerson's  room  is  right  over  ourn,  and  I 
raised  up  in  the  end  of  the  bed  and  hollered  to  him 
to  "  stop  his  noise/'  But  Josiah  said,  "  do  let  him  be, 
do  let  him  kill  the  old  creeters,  I  am  wore  out." 

Says  I  "  Josiah  I  dont  mind  his  killin'  the  cats,  but 
I  wont  have  him  talkin  about  thier  holdin'  a  protracted 
meetin'  and  preachin',  I  won't  have  it,"  says  I. 

"  Wall,"  says  .he  "  do  lay  down,  the  most  I  care  for 
is  to  get  rid  of  the  cats." 

Says  I,  "you  do  have  wicked  streaks  Josiah,  and 
the  way  you  let  that  boy  go  on  is  awful,"  says  I, 
"  where  do  you  think  you  will  go  to  Josiah  Allen  ?" 

Says  he,  "  I  shall  go  into  another  bed  if  you  can't 
stop  talkin'.  I  have  been  kept  awake  till  midnight, 
by  them  creeters,  and  now  you  want  to  finish  the 
night." 

Josiah  is  a  real  even  tempered  man,  but  nothin* 
makes  him  so  kinder  fretful  as  to  be  kept  awake  by 
cats.  And  it  is  awful,  awfully  mysterious  too.  For 
sometimes  as  you  listen,  you  say  mildly  to  yourself, 
how  can  a  animal  so  small  give  utterance  to  a  noise  so 
large,  large  enough  for  a  eliphant  ?  Then  sometimes 
agin  as  you  listen,  you  will  get  encouraged,  thinkin' 
that  last  yawl  has  really  finished  'em  and  you  think 
they  are  at  rest,  and  better  off  than  they  can  be  here 
in  this  world,  utterin'  such  deathly  and  terrific  shrieks, 


JOSIAH  ON  THE  WAR  PATH. 

and  you  know  you  are  happier.  So  you  will  be  real 
encouraged,  and  begin  to  be  sleepy,  when  they  break 
out  agin  all  of  a  sudden,  seemin'  to  say  up  in  a  snu;ll 
fine  voice,  "  We  won't  go  home  till  mornin' "  drawin' 
out  the  "  mornin'  "  in  the  most  threatenin'  and  insult- 
in'  manner.  And  then  a  great  hoarse  grum  voice  will 
take  it  up  "  We  won't  Go  Home  till  Mornin'  "  and 
then  they  will  spit  fiercely,  and  shriek  out  the  appaul- 
in'  words  both  together.  It  is  discouragin',  and  I 
couldn't  deny  it,  so  I  lay  down,  and  we  both  went  to 
sleep. 

I  hadn't  more'n  got  into  a  nap,  when  Josiah  waked 
me  up  groanin',  and  says  he,  "  them  darned  cats  are  at 
it  agin." 

"Well,"  says  I  coolly,  "you  needn't  swear  so,  if 
they  be."  I  listened  a  minute,  and  says  I,  "  it  haint 
cats," 

Says  he,  "it  is." 

Says  I,  "  Josiah  Allen,  I  know  better,  it  haint  cats." 

"  Wall  what  is  it,"  says  he  "  if  it  haint  ?  " 

I  sot '  up  in  the  end  of  bed,  and  pushed  back  my 
night  cap  from  my  left  ear  and  listened,  and  says  I, 

"  It  is  a  akordeun." 

"  How  come  a  akordeun  under  our  winder  ?"  says 
he. 

"  Says  I,  "  It  is  Shakespeare  Bobbet  seranadin'  Tir- 
zah  Ann,  and  he  has  got  under  the  wrong  winder." 

He  leaped  out  of  bed,  and  started  for  the  door. 


148  JOS1AH  OBEYS  ORDERS. 

Says  I, "  Josiah  Allen  come  back  here  this  minute," 
says  I,  "do  you  realize  your  condition?  you  haint 
dressed." 

He  siezed  his  hat  from  the  bureau,  and  put  it  on  his 
head,  and  went  on.  Says  I,  "  Josiah  Allen  if  you  go 
to  the  door  in  that  condition,  I'll  prosicute  you  ;  what 
do  you  mean  actin'  so  to-night  ?  says  I,  u  you  was 
young  once  yourself." 

"  I  wuzzn't  a  confounded  fool  if  I  was  young,"  says 
he. 

Says  I,  "  come  back  to  bed  Josiah  Allen,  do  you 
want  to  get  the  Bobbets'es  and  the  Dobbs'es  mad  at 
you?" 

"  Yes  I  do"  he  snapped  out. 

"I  should  think  you  would  be  ashamed  Josiah 
swearin'  and  actin'  as  you  have  to-night,"  and  says  I, 
"  you  will  get  your  death  cold  standin'  there  without 
any  clothes  on,  come  back  to  bed  this  minute  Josiah 
Allen." 

It  haint  often  I  set  up,  but  when  I  do,  I  will  be 
minded ;  so  finally  he  took  off  his  hat  and  come  to 
bed,  and  there  we  had  to  lay  and  listen.  Not  one  word 
could  Tirzah  Ann  hear,  for  her  room  was  clear  to  the 
other  end  of  the  house,  and  such  a  time  as  I  had  to 
keep  Josiah  in  the  bed.  The  first  he  played  was  what 
they  call  an  involuntary,  and  I  confess  it  did  sound 
like  a  cat,  before  they  get  to  spitin,  and  tearin'  out  fur, 
you  know  they  will  go  on  kinder  meloncholy.  He 


J.    AiJl/HESoKd    THE    SKREXADEIl. 


JOSIAHS    PROPO8KD   RAID. 


A  MOONLIGHT  SERENADE.  151 

went  on  in  that  way  for  a  length  of  time  which  I  cant 
set  down  with  any  kind  of  accuracy,  Josiah  thinks  it 
was  about  2  hours  and  a  half,  I  myself  don't  believe  it 
was  more  than  a  quarter  of  an  hour.  Finally  he  broke 
out  singin'  a  tune  the  chorus  of  which  was, 
"  Oh  think  of  me — oh  think  of  me." 

"No  danger  of  our  not  thinkin5  on  you,"  says 
Josiah,  no  danger  on  it." 

It  was  a  long  piece  and  he  played  and  sung  it  in  a 
slow,  and  aftectin'  manner.  He  then  played  and  sung 
the  follerin' 

"  Come !  oh  come  with  me  Miss  Allen, 
The  moon  is  beaming ; 
Oh  Tirzah ;  come  with  me, 
The  stars  are  gleaming ; 
All  around  is  bright,  with  beauty  teeming, 
Moonlight  hours — in  my  opinion — 
Is  the  time  for  love. 

My  skiff  is  by  the  shore, 

She's  light,  she's  free, 

To  ply  the  feathered  oar  Miss  Allen, 

Would  be  joy  to  me. 

And  as  we  glide  along, 

My  song  shall  be, 

(If  you'l  excuse  the  liberty  Tirzah) 

I  love  but  thee,  I  love  but  th«e. 

Chorus — Tra  la  la  Miss  Tirzah, 
Tra  la  la  Miss  Allen, 
Tra  la  la,  tra  la  la, 
My  dear  young  maid. 

He  then  broke  out  into  another  piece,  the  chorus  of 
which  was, 

"  Curb  oh  curb  thy  bosom's  pain 
I'll  come  again,  I'll  come  again." 


152  JOSIAH  SHOWS  WICKEDNESS. 

"  No  you  wont,"  says  Josiali,  "  you  wont  never  get 
away,  I  will  get  up  Samantha." 

Says  I,  in  low  but  awful  accents,  "  Josiali  Allen,  if 
you  make  another  move,  I'll  part  with  you,"  says  I,"it 
does  beat  all,  how  you  keep  actin'  to-night ;  haint  it 
as  hard  for  me  as  it  is  for  you  ?  do  you  think  it  is  any 
comfort  for  me  to  lay  here  and  hear  it  ?"  says  I,  "  that 
is  jest  the  way  with  you  men,  you  haint  no  more 
patience  than  nothin'  in  the  world,  you  was  young 
once  yourself." 

"  Throw  that  in  my  face  agin  will  you  ?  what  if  I 
ivuz  !  Oh  do  hear  him  go  on,"  says  he  shakin'  his  fist. 
"  Curb  oh  curb  thy  bosom's  pain,"  if  I  was  out  there 
my  young  feller,  I  would  give  you  a  pain  you  couldn't 
curb  so  easy,  though  it  might  not  be  in  your  bosom." 

Says  I  "  Josiali  Allen,  you  have  showed  more  wick 
edness  to-night,  than  I  thought  you  had  in  you  ;"  says 
I  "  would  you  like  to  have  your  pastur,  and  Deacon 
Dobbs,  and  sister  Graves  hear  your  revengeful  threats  ? 
if  you  was  layin'  helpless  on  a  sick  bed  would  you  be 
throwin'  your  arms  about,  and  shakin'  your  fist  in  that 
way  ?  it  scares  me  to  think  a  pardner  of  mine  should 
keep  actin'  as  you  have,"  says  I  "you  have  fell  25 
cents  in  my  estimation  to-night." 

"  Wall,"  says  he,  "  what  comfort  is  there  in  his 
prowlin'  round  here,  makin'  two  old  folks  lay  all  night 
in  perfect  agony  f ' 

"  It  haint  much  after  midnight,  and  if  it  was,"  says 


EXTREMELY  MELONCHOLLT          153 

I,  in  a  deep  and  majestic  tone.  "  Do  you  calculate, 
Josiah  Allen  to  go  through  life  without  any  trouble  ? 
if  you  do  you  will  find  yourself  mistaken,"  says  I. 
"Do  be  still." 

"  I  wont  be  still  Samantha." 

Just  then  he  begun  a  new  piece,  durin'  which  the 
akordeun  sounded  the  most  melon cholly  and  cast  down 
it  had  yet,  and  his  voice  was  solemn,  and  affectin'.  I 
never  thought  much  of  Shakespeare  Bobbet.  He  is 
about  Thomas  Jefferson's  age,  his  moustache  is  if  pos 
sible  thinner  than  hisen,  should  say  whiter,  only  that 
is  a  impossibility.  He  is  jest  the  age  when  he  wants 
to  be  older,  and  when  folks  are  willin'  he  should,  for 
you  dont  want  to  call  him  Mr.  Bobbet  and  to  call  him 
"bub"  as  you  always  have,  he  takes  as  a  deadly  insult. 
He  thinks  he  is  in  love  with  Tirzah  Ann,  which  is  jest 
as  bad  as  long  as  it  lasts  as  if  he  was ;  jest  as  painful 
to  him  and  to  her.  As  I  said  he  sung  these  words  in 
a  slow  and  affectin'  manner. 

When  I  think  of  thee,  thou  lovely  dame, 
I  feel  so  weak  and  overcame, 
That  tears  would  burst  from  my  eye-lid, 
Did  not  my  stern  manhood  forbid ; 

For  Tirzah  Ann, 

I  am  a  meloncholly  man. 

I  scorn  my  looks,  what  are  fur  hat« 
To  such  a  wretch ;  or  silk  cravats ; 
My  feelin's  prey  to  such  extents, 
Victuals  are  of  no  consequence. 

Oh  Tirzah  Ann, 

I  am  a  meloncholly  man. 


154:  THE  LAST  PIECE  SUNG. 

As  he  waited  on  you  from  spcllin'  school, 
My  anguish  spurned  all  curb  and  rule, 
My  manhood  cried,  "  be  calm  !  forbear  I M 
Else  I  should  have  tore  out  my  hair ; 

For  Tirzah  Ann, 

I  was  a  meloncholly  man. 

As  I  walked  behind,  he  little  knew 
What  danger  did  his  steps  pursue ; 
I  had  no  dagger  to  unsheath, 
But  fiercely  did  I  grate  my  teeth ; 

For  Tirzah  Ann, 

I  was  a  meloncholly  man. 

I'm  wastin'  slow,  my  last  year's  vests 
Hang  loose  on  me ;  my  nightly  rests 
Are  thin  as  gauze,  and  thoughts  of  you, 
Gashes  'em  wildly  through  and  through, 

Oh  Tirzah  Ann, 

I  am  a  meloncholly  man. 

My  heart  is  in  such  a  burning  state, 

I  feel  it  soon  must  conflagrate  ; 

But  ere  I  go  to  be  a  ghost, 

What  bliss— could'st  thou  tell  me  thou  dost — 
Sweet  Tirzan  Ann — 
Think  on  this  meloncholly  man. 

He  did'nt  sing  but  one  more  piece  after  this.  1 
don't  remember  the  words  for  it  was  a  long  piece. 
Josiali  insists  that  it  was  as  long  as  Milton's  Paradise 
Lost. 

Says  I,  "  don't  be  a  fool  Josiah,  you  never  read  it." 

" I  have  hefted  the  book,"  says  he,  "and  know  the 
size  of  it,  and  I  know  it  was  as  long  if  not  longer." 

Says  I  agin,  in  a  cool  collected  manner,  "  don't  be  a 
fool  Josiah,  there  wasn't  more  than  25  or  30  verses  at 
the  outside."  That  was  when  we  was  talkin'  it  over 


FINALE  BY  THOMAS  JEFFERSON.  155 

to  the  breakfast  table  this  mornin,'  but  I  confess  it  did 
seem  awful  long  there  in  the  dead  of  the  night; 
though  I  wouldn't  encourage  Josiah  by  savin'  so,  he 
loves  the  last  word  now,  and  I  don't  know  what  he 
would  be  if  I  encouraged  him  in  it.  I  can't  remember 
the  words,  as  I  said,  but  the  chorus  of  each  verse  was 

Oh  !  I  languish  for  thee,  Oh  !  I  languish  for  thee,  wherever  that  I  be, 
Oh  !  Oh  !  Oh  !  I  am  languishin'  for  thee,  I  am  languishin'  for  thee. 

As  I  said  I  never  set  much  store  by  Shakespeare 
Bobbet,  but  truly  everybody  has  their  strong  pints ; 
there  was  quavers  put  in  there  into  them  "  Oh's " 
that  never  can  be  put  in  agin  by  anybody.  Even 
Josiah  lay  motionless  listenin'  to  'em  in  a  kind  of  awe. 
Jest  then  we  heard  Thomas  Jefferson  speakin'  out  of 
the  winder  overhead. 

"  My  musical  young  friend,  haven't  you  languished 
enough  for  one  night  ?  Because  if  you  have,  father 
and  mother  and  I,  bein'  kept  awake  by  other  serena- 
aders  the  forepart  of  the  night,  will  love  to  excuse 
you,  will  thank  you  for  your  labers  in  our  behalf,  and 
love  to  bid  you  good  evenin',  Tirzah  Ann  bein'  fast 
asleep  in  the  other  end  of  the  house.  But  don't  let 
me  hurry  you  Shakespeare,  my  dear  young  friend,  if 
you  haint  languished  enough,  you  keep  right  on  lan 
guishin'.  I  hope  I  haint  hard  hearted  enough  to  deny 
a  young  man  and  neighbor  the  privilege  of  languishin'. 

I  heard  a  sound  of  footsteps  under  the  winder,  fol- 


156 


RELICKS  LEFT  ON  THE  FIELD. 


lowed  seemin'ly  instantaneously  by  the  rattlin'  of  the 
board  fence  at  the  extremity  of  the  garden.  Judgin' 
from  the  sound,  he  must  have  got  over  the  ground  at 
a  rate  seldom  equaled  and  never  outdone. 

A  button  was  found  under  the  winder  in  the  morn- 
in,'  lost  off  we  suppose  by  the  impassioned  beats  of  a 
too  ardent  heart,  and  a  too  vehement  pair  of  lungs, 
exercised  too  much  by  the  boldness  and  variety  of  the 
quavers  durin'  the  last  tune.  That  button  and  a  few 
locks  of  Malta  fur,  is  all  we  have  left  to  remind  us  of 
our  Bufferings. 


4th  OF  JULY  IN  JONESYILLE. 


A  few  days  before  the  4th  Betsey  Bobbet  come  ftrto 
oure  house  in  the  mornin'  and  says  she, 

"  Have  you  heard  the  news  ?" 

"  Ko,"  says  I  pretty  brief,  for  I  was  jest  puttin'  in 
the  ingrediences  to  a  six  quart  pan  loaf  of  fruit  cake, 
and  on  them  occasions  I  want  my  mind  cool  and  unruf- 
ded. 

"  Aspire  Todd  is  goin'  to  deliver  the  oration,"  says 
she. 

"  Aspire  Todd  !     Who's  he  ?"  says  I  cooly. 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,"  says  she,  "  have  you  forgot 
ten  the  sweet  poem  that  thrilled  us  so  in  the  Jonesville 
Gimblet  a  few  weeks  since  ?" 

"  I  haint  been  thrilled  by  no  poem,"  says  I  with  an 
almost  icy  face  pourin'  in  my  melted  butter. 

"  Then  it  must  be  that  you  have  never  seen  it,  I 

have  it  in  my  port  money  and  I  will  read  it  to  you," 

157 


158  A  SWEET  POEM. 

says  she,  not  heedin'  the  dark  froun  gatherin'  on  my 
eyebrow,  and  she  begun  to  read, 

A  questioning  Sail  sent  over  the  Mystic  Sea. 
BY   PROF.    ASPIKE   TODD. 

So  the  majestic  thunder-bolt  of  feeling, 

Out  of  our  inner  lives,  our  unseen  beings  flow, 

Vague  dreams  revealing. 

Oh,  is  it  so  ?j  Alas  !  or  no, 

How  be  it,  Ah !  how  so  ? 

Is  matter  going  to  rule  the  deathlesg  mind  ? 

What  is  matter  ?     Is  it  indeed  so  ? 

Oh,  truths  combined ; 

Do  the  Magaloi  theoi  still  tower  to  and  fro  ? 

How  do  they  move  ?     How  flow? 

Monstrous,  aeriform,  phantoms  sublime, 

Come  leer  at  me,  and  Cadmian  teeth  my  soul  gnaw, 

Through  chiliasms  of  time  ; 

Transcendentaly  and  remorslessly  gnaw  ; 

By  what  agency  ?  Is  it  a  law  ? 

Perish  the  vacueus  in  huge  immensities  ; 
Hurl  the  broad  thunderbolt  of  feeling  free, 
The  vision  dies  ; 

So  lulls  the  bellowing  surf,  upon  the  mystic  sea, 
Is  it  indeed  so  ?  Alas !  Oh  me. 

"  How  this  sweet  poem  appeals  to  tender  hearts," 
says  Betsey  as  she  concluded  it. 

"  How  it  appeals  to  tender  heads "  says  I  almost 
coldly,  measurin'  out  my  cinnamon  in  a  big  spoon. 

"Josiah  Allen's  wife,  has  not  your  soul  never  sailed 
on  that  mystical  sea  he  so  sweetly  depictures  ? " 

"  Not  an  inch,"  says  I  firmly,  "  not  an  inch." 

"  Have  you  not  never  been  haunted  by  sorrowful 
phantoms  you  would  fain  bury  in  oblivion's  sea  ?" 


THE  CELEBRATION  COMMENCES.  159 

" Not  once,''  says  I  " not  a  phantom,"  and  says  I  as 
I  measured  out  my  raisons  and  English  currants,  "  if 
folks  would  work  as  I  do,  from  morniri'  till  night  and 
earn  thier  honest  bread  by  the  sweat  of  thier  eyebrows, 
they  wouldn't  be  tore  so  much  by  phantoms  as  they 
be ;  it  is  your  shiftless  creeters  that  are  always  bein' 
gored  by  phantoms,  and  havin'  'em  leer  at  'em,"  says 
I  with  my  spectacles  bent  keenly  on  her,  "  Why  don't 
they  leer  at  me  Betsey  Bobbet  P 

"  Because  you  are  intellectually  blind,  you  cannot 


"  I  see  enough,"  says  I,  "  I  see  more'n  I  want  to  a 
good  deal  of  the  time."  In  a  dignified  silence,  I  then 
chopped  my  raisons  impressively  and  Betsey  started 
for  home. 

The  celebration  was  held  in  Josiah's  sugar  bush, 
and  I  meant  to  be  on  the  ground  in  good  season,  for 
when  I  have  jobs  I  dread,  I  am  for  takin'  'em  by  the 
forelock  and  grapplin'  with  'em  at  once.  But  as  I  was 
bakin'  my  last  plum  puddin'  and  chicken  pie,  the  folks 
begun  to  stream  by,  I  hadn't  no  idee  thier  could  be  so 
many  folks  scairt  up  in  Jonesville.  I  thought  to  my 
self,  I  wonder  if  they'd  flock  out  so  to  a  prayer-meetin.' 
But  they  kep'  a  comin',  all  kind  of  folks,  in  all  kinds 
of  vehicles,  from  a  6  horse  team,  down  to  peacible 
lookin'  men  and  wimmen  drawin'  baby  wagons,  with 
two  babies  in  most  of  'em. 

There  was  a  stagin'  built  in  most  the  middle  of  the 


160  ON  THE  FIELD. 

grove  for  the  leadin'  men  of  Jonesville,  and  some 
board  seats  all  round  it  for  the  folks  to  set  on.  As 
Josiah  owned  the  ground,  he  was  invited  to  set  upon 
the  stagin'. 

And  as  I  glanced  up  at  that  man  every  little  while 
through  the  day,  I  thought  proudly  to  myself,  there 
may  be  nobler  lookin'  men  there,  and  men  that  would 
weigh  more  by  the  steelyards,  but  there  haint  a  whiter 
shirt  bosom  there  than  Josiah  Allen's. 

"When  I  got  there  the  seats  was  full.  Betsey  Bob- 
bet  was  jest  ahead  of  me,  and  says  she, 

"  Come  on,  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  let  us  have  a  seat, 
we  can  obtain  one,  if  we  push  and  scramble  enough." 
As  I  looked  upon  her  carryin'  out  her  doctrine,  pushin' 
and  scrambling  I  thought  to  myself,  if  I  didn't  know 
to  the  contrary,  I  never  should  take  you  for  a  modest 
dignifier  and  retirer.  And  as  I  beheld  her  breathin' 
hard,  and  her  elboes  wildly  wavin'  in  the  air,  pushin' 
in  between  native  men  of  Jonesville  and  foreigners,  I 
again  methought,  I  don't  believe  you  would  be  so 
sweaty  and  out  of  breath  a  votin'  as  you  be  now.  And 
as  I  watched  her  labors  and  efforts  I  continued  to 
methink  sadly,  how  strange  !  how  strange !  that  retirin' 
modesty  and  delicacy  can  stand  so  firm  in  some  situa 
tions,  and  then  be  so  quickly  overthrowed  in  others 
seemin'ly  not  near  so  hard. 

Betsey  finally  got  a  seat,  wedged  in  between  a  large 
healthy  Irishman  and  a  native  constable,  and  she 


THE  PROFESSOR  ON  THE  STAGE  163 

motioned  for  me  to  come  on,  at  the  same  time  pokin' 
a  respectable  old  gentleman  in  front  of  her,  with  her 
parasol,  to  make  him  move  along.  Says  I, 

"  I  may  as  well  die  one  way  as  another,  as  well 
expier  a  standin'  up,  as  in  tryin'  to  get  a  seat,"  and  I 
quietly  leaned  up  against  a  hemlock  tree  and  composed 
myself  for  events.  A  man  heard  my  words  which  I 
spoke  about  1-2  to  myself,  and  says  he, 

"  Take  my  seat,  mum." 

Says  I  "  No !  keep  it." 

Says  he  "  I  am  jest  comin'  down  with  a  fit,  I  have 
got  to  leave  the  ground  instantly." 

Says  I  aln  them  cases  I  will."  So  I  sot.  His  ton 
gue  seemed  thick,  and  his  breath  smelt  of  brandy,  but 

1  make  no  insinuations. 

About  noon  Prof.  Aspire  Todd  walked  slowly  on  to 
the  ground,  arm  in  arm  with  the  editor  of  the  Gimlet, 
old  Mr.  Bobbet  follerin'  him  closely  behind.  Countin' 

2  eyes  to  a  person,  and  the  exceptions   are   trifiin', 
there  was  TOO  and  fifty  or  sixty  eyes  aimed  at  him  as 
he  walked  through  the  crowd.      He  was  dressed  in  a 
new  shinin'  suit  of  black,  his  complexion  was  deathly, 
his  hair  was  jest  turned  from  white,  and  was  combed 
straight  back  from  his  forward  and  hung  down  long, 
over  his  coat  coller.     He  had  a  big  moustache,  about 
the  color  of  his  hair,  only  bearin'  a  little  more  on  the 
sandy,  and  a  couple  of  pale  blue  eyes  with  a  pair  of 
spectacles  over  'em. 

As  he  walked  upon  the  stagin'  behind  the  Editer  of 

7* 


164  THE  PROFESSOR'S  SPEECH. 

the  Gimlet,  the  band  struck  up,  "  Hail  to  the  chief, 
that  in  trihump  advances."  As  soon  as  it  stopped 
playiii'  the  Editer  of  the  Gimlet  come  forward  and 
said — 

"  Fellow  citizens  of  Jonesville  and  the  adjacent  and 
snrroundin'  world,  I  have  the  honor  and  privilege  of 
presenting  to  you  the  orator  of  the  day,  the  noble  and 
eloquent  Prof.  Aspire  Todd  Esq. 

Prof.  Todd  came  forward  and*  made  a  low  bow. 

"Bretheren  and  sisters  of  Jonesville"  says  he; 
"Friends  and  patrons  of  Liberty,  in  risin'  upon  this 
aeroter,  I  have  signiiied  by  that  act,  a  desire  and  a 
willingness  to  address  you.  I  am  not  here  fellow  and 
sister  citizens,  to  outrage  your  feelings  by  triflin' 
remarks,  I  am  not  here  male  patrons  of  liberty  to  lead 
your  noble,  and  you  female  patrons  your  tender  foot 
steps  into  the  flowery  fields  of  useless  rhetorical  elo 
quence;  I  am  here  noble  brothers  and  sisters  of  Jones 
ville  not  in  a  mephitical  manner,  and  I  trust  not  in  a 
mentorial,  but  to  present  a  few  plain  truths  in  a  plain 
manner,  for  your  consideration.  My  friends  we  are 
in  one  sense  but  tennifolious  blossoms  of  life ;  or,  if 
you  will  pardon  the  tergiversation,  we  are  all  but  rnin- 
eratin'  tennirosters,  hovering  upon  an  illinition  of 
mythoplasm." 

"  Jess  so,"  cried  old  Bobbet.  who  was  settin'  on  a 
bench  right  under  the  speaker's  stand,  with  his  fat  red 
face  lookin'  up  shiniii'  with  pride  and  enthusiasm,  (and 


OLD  MR.  BOBBET.  165 

the  brandy  lie  had  took  to  honor  the  old  Revolutionary 
heroes)  "  Jess  so !  so  we  be  !" 

Prof.  Todd  looked  down  on  him  in  a  troubled  kind 
of  a  way  for  a  minute,  and  then  went  on — 

"  Noble  inhabitants  of  Jonesville  and  the  rural  dis 
tricts,  we  are  actinolitic  bein's,  each  of  our  souls,  like 
the  acalpliia,  radiates  a  circle  of  prismatic  tentacles, 
showing  the  divine  irridescent  essence  of  which  com 
posed  are  they." 

"  Jes'  so,"  shouted  old  Bobbet  louder  than  before. 
"  Jes'  so,  so  they  did,  I've  always  said  so." 

"  And  if  we  are  content  to  moulder  out  our  exis 
tence,  like  fibrous,  veticulated,  polypus,  clingin'  to  the 
crustaceous  courts  of  custom,  if  we  cling  not  like  soar- 
in'  prytanes  to  the  phantoms  that  lower  thier  sceptres 
down  through  the  murky  waves  of  retrogression,  en- 
deavorin'  to  lure  us  upward  in  the  scale  of  progressive 
bein'— in  what  degree  do  we  differ  from  the  accolphia  ?" 

"  Jes'  so,"  says  old  Bobbet,  lookin'  defiantly  round 
on  the  audience.  "  There  he  has  got  you,  how  can 
they?" 

Prof.  Todd  stopped  again,  looked  doun  on  Bobbet, 
and  put  his  hand  to  his  brow  in  a  wild  kind  of  a  way, 
for  a  minute,  and  then  wrent  on." 

"  Let  us,  noble  brethren  in  the  broad  field  of  human 
ity,  let  us  rise,  let  us  prove  that  mind  is  superior  to 
matter,  let  us  prove  ourselves  superior  to  the  acal 
pliia—" 

"  Yes,  less,"  says  old  Bobbet,  "  less  prove  ourselves." 


166  THE  EDITER  INTERFERES. 

"  Let  us  shame  the  actinia,"  said  the  Professor. 

"  Yes,  jes'  so !"  shouted  old  Bobbet,  "  less  shame 
him !"  and  in  his  enthusiasm  he  got  up  and  hollered 
agin,  "  Less  shame  him." 

Prof.  Todd  stopped  stone  still,  his  face  red  as  blood, 
he  drinked  several  swallows,  of  water,  and  then  he 
whispered  a  few  words  to  the  Editer  of  the  Gimlet 
who  immegiately  come  forward  and  said — 

"  Although  it  is  a  scene  of  touchin'  beauty,  to  see  an 
old  gentleman,  and  a  bald-headed  one,  so  in  love  with 
eloquence,  and  to  give  such  remarkable  proofs  of  it  at 
his  age,  still  as  it  is  the  request  of  my  young  friend — 
and  I  am  proud  to  say  ( my  young  friend '  in  regard 
to  one  gifted  in  so  remarkable  a  degree — at  his  re 
quest  I  beg  to  be  permitted  to  hint,  that  if  the  bald- 
headed  old  gentleman  in  the  linen  coat  can  conceal  his 
admiration,  and  supress  his  applause,  he  will  confer  a 
favor  on  my  gifted  young  friend,  and  through  him  in 
directly  to  Jonesville,  to  America,  and  the  great  cause 
of  humanity,  throughout  the  length  and  breadth  of  the 
country." 

Here  he  made  a  low  bow  and  sot  down.  Prof. 
Todd  continued  his  piece  without  any  more  interrup 
tion,  till  most  the  last,  he  wanted  the  public  of  Jones 
ville  to  "  dround  black  care  in  the  deep  waters  of  obliv 
ion,  mind  not  her  mad  throes  of  dissolvin'  bein',  but 
let  the  deep  waters  cover  her  black  head,  and  march 
onward." 


THE  NEXT  SPEAKER.  167 

Then  the  old  gentleman  forgot  himself,  and  sprung 
up  and  hollered — 

"  Yes  !  droimd  the  black  cat,  hold  her  head  under ! 
"What  if  she  is  mad  !  don't  mind  her  screamin' !  there 
will  be  cats  enough  left  in  the  world!  do  as  he  tells 
you  to  !  less  dround  her !" 

Prof.  Todd  finished  in  a  few  words,  and  set  doun 
lookin'  gloomy  and  morbid. 

The  next  speaker  was  a  large,  healthy  lookin'  man, 
who  talked  aginst  wimmin's  rights.  He  didn't  bring 
up  no  new  arguments,  but  talked  as  they  all  do  who 
oppose  'em.  About  wimmin  outragin5  and  destroyin' 
thier  modesty,  by  bein5  in  the  same  street  with  a  man 
once  every  lection  day.  And  he  talked  grand  about 
how  w oman's  weakness  arroused  all  the  shivelry  and 
nobility  of  a  man's  nature,  and  how  it  was  his  dearest 
and  most  sacred  privilege  and  happiness,  to  protect 
her  from  even  a  summer's  breeze,  if  it  dared  to  blow 
too  hard  on  her  beloved  and  delicate  form. 

Why,  before  he  had  got  half  through,  a  stranger 
from  another  world  who  had  never  seen  a  woman, 
wouldn't  have  had  the  least  idee  that  they  was  made 
of  clay  as  man  was,  but  would  have  thought  they  was 
made  of  some  thin  gauze,  liable  at  any  minute  to  blow 
away,  and  that  man's  only  employment  was  to  stand 
and  watch  'em,  for  fear  some  zephyr  would  get  the 
advantage  of  'em.  He  called  wirnmin  every  pretty 
name  he  could  think  of,  and  says  he,  wavin'  his  hands 


168  A  ARGUMENT  ILLUSTRATED. 

in  the  air  in  a  rapped  eloquence,  and  beatin'  his  breast 
in  the  same  he  cried, 

"  Shall  these  weak,  helpless  angels,  these  seraphines, 
these  sweet,  delicate,  cooin'  doves — whose  only  mission 
it  is  to  sweetly  coo — these  rainbows,  these  posys  vote  ? 
Never !  my  bretheren,  never  will  we  put  such  hard 
ships  upon  'em." 

As  he  sot  down,  he  professed  himself  and  all  the 
rest  of  his  sect  ready  to  die  at  any  time,  and  in  any 
way  wimmin  should  say,  rather  than  they  should  vote, 
or  have  any  other  hardship.  Betsey  Bobbet  wept 
aloud,  she  was  so  delighted  with  it. 

Jest  as  they  concluded  thier  frantic  cheers  over  his 
speech,  a  thin,  feeble  lookin'  woman  come  by  where  I 
stood,  drawin'  a  large  baby  wagon  with  two  children 
in  it,  seemin'ly  a  two-year-old,  and  a  yearlin'.  She 
also  carried  one  in  her  arms  who  was  lame.  She 
looked  so  beat  out  and  so  ready  to  drop  down,  that  I 
got  up  and  give  her  my  seat,  and  says  I, 

"  You  look  ready  to  fall  down." 

"  Am  I  too  late,"  says  she,  "  to  hear  my  husband's 
speech  ?" 

"Is  that  your  husband,'' says  1,  " that  is  laughin' 
and  talkiii'  with  that  pretty  girl  ?" 

"  Yes,"  says  she  with  a  sort  of  troubled  look. 

"  Well,  he  jest  finished." 

She  looked  ready  to  cry9  and  as  I  took  the  lame 
child  from  her  breakin'  arms,  says  I — 


WOMAN'S  FAITH  AND  DEVOTION.  169 

"  This  is  too  hard  for  you." 

"  I  wouldn't  mind  gettin'  'em  on  to  the  ground," 
gays  she,  "I  haint  had  only  three  miles  to  bring  Jem 
that  wouldn't  be  much  if  it  wasn't  for  the  work  I  had 
to  do  before  I  come." 

"  What  did  you  have  to  do  ?"  says  I  in  pityin'  ac 
cents. 

"  Oh,  I  had  to  fix  him  off,  brush  his  clothes  and 
black  his  boots,  and  then  I  did  up  all  my  work,  and 
then  I  had  to  go  out  and  make  six  length  of  fence — 
the  cattle  broke  into  the  corn  yesterday,  and  he  was 
busy  writin'  his  piece,  and  couldn't  fix  it — and  then  I 
had  to  mend  his  coat,"  glancin'  at  a  thick  coat  in  the 
wagon.  "  He  didn't  know  but  he  should  want  it  to 
wear  home,  he  knew  he  was  goin5  to  make  a  great  ef 
fort,  and  thought  he  should  sweat  some,  he  is  dreadful 
easy  to  take  cold,"  says  she  with  a  worried  look. 

"  "Why  didn't  he  help  you  along  with  the  children  ?" 
says  I,  in  a  indignant  tone. 

"  Oh,  he  said  he  had  to  make  a  great  exertion  to-day, 
and  he  wanted  to  have  his  mind  free  and  clear ;  he  is 
one  of  the  kind  that  can't  have  their  minds  tram 
meled." 

"  It  would  do  him  good  to  be  trammeled — hard  !" 
says  I,  lookin'  darkly  on  him. 

"  Don't  speak  so  of  him,"  says  she  beseechingly. 

"  Are  you  satisfied  with  his  doin's  1"  says  I,  lookin' 
keenly  at  her. 

"  Oh  yes,"  says  she  in  a  trustin'  tone,  liftin'  her 


170  ADJOURNED  FOR  DINNER. 

care-worn,  weary  countenance  to  mine,  "  oh  yes,  you 
don't  know  how  beautiful  lie  can  talk" 

I  said  no  more,  for  it  is  a  invincible  rule  of  my  life, 
not  to  make  no  disturbances  in  families.  But  I  give 
the  yearlin'  pretty  near  a  pound  of  candy  on  the  spot, 
and  the  glances  I  cast  on  Iwm  and  the  pretty  girl  he 
was  a  nirtin3  with,  was  cold  enough  to  freeze  'em  both 
into  a  male  and  female  glazier. 

Lawyer  Nugent  now  got  up  and  said,  "  That  whereas 
the  speaking  was  foreclosed,  or  in  other  words  finished, 
he  motioned  they  should  adjourn  to  the  dinner  table, 
as  the  fair  committee  had  signified  by  a  snowy  signal 
that  fluttered  like  a  dove  of  promise  above  waves  of 
emerald,  or  in  plainer  terms  by  a  towel,  that  dinner  was 
forthcoming ;  whereas  he  motioned  that  they  should 
adjourn  sine  die  to  the  aforesaid  table." 

Old  Mr.  Bobbet,  and  the  Editer  of  the  Gimlet  sec 
onded  the  motion  at  the  same  time.  And  Shakespeare 
Bobbet  wantin'  to  do  somethin'  in  a  public  way,  got 
up  and  motioned  "that  they  proceed  to  the  table  on  the 
usial  road  ",  but  there  wasn't  any  other  way — only  to 
wade  the  creek — that  didn't  seem  to  be  necessary,  but 
nobody  took  no  notice  of  it,  so  it  was  jest  as  well. 

The  dinner  was  good,  but  there  was  an  awful  crowd 
round  the  tables,  and  I  was  glad  I  wore  my  old  lawn 
dress,  for  the  children  was  thick,  and  so  was  bread  and 
butter,  and  sass  of  all  kinds,  and  jell  tarts  And  I 
hain't  no  shirk,  I  jest  plunged  right  into  the  heat  of 


DINNER  AND  TOAST.  171 

the  battle,  as  you  may  say,  waitin'  on  the  children,  and 
the  spots  on  my  dress  skirt  would  have  been  too  much 
for  anybody  that  couldn't  count  40.  To  say  nothin' 
about  old  Mr.  Peedick  steppin'  through  the  back 
breadth,  and  Betsey  Bobbet  ketchin'  holt  of  me,  and 
rippiii'  it  off  the  waist  as  much  as  1-2  a  yard.  And 
then  a  horse  started  up  behind  the  widder  Tubbs,  as  I 
was  bendin'  down  in  front  of  her  to  get  somethin'  out 
of  a  basket,  and  she  weighin'  above  200,  was  precipi 
tated  onto  my  straw  bonnet,  jammin'  it  down  almost 
as  flat  as  it  was  before  it  was  braided.  I  came  off 
pretty  well  in  other  respects,  only  about  two  yards  of 
the  ruflin7  of  my  black  silk  cape  was  tore  by  two  boys 
who  got  to  fightiii'  behind  me,  and  bein'  blind  with 
rage  tore  it  oft',  thinkin'  they  had  got  holt  of  each 
other's  hair.  There  was  a  considerable  number  of 
toasts  drank,  I  cant  remember  all  of  'em,  but  among 
'em  was  these, 

"The  eagle  of  Liberty ;  May  her  quills  lengthen  till 
the  proud  shadow  of  her  wings  shall  sweetly  rest  on 
every  land." 

"The  4th  of  July ;  the  star  which  our  old  four  fathers 
tore  from  the  ferocious  mane  of  the  howling  lion  of 
England,  and  set  in  the  calm  and  majestic  brow  of  ~E 
pluribus  unum.  May  it  gleam  with  brighter  and 
brighter  radience,  till  the  lion  shall  hide  his  dazzled 
eyes,  and  cower  like  a  stricken  lamb  at  the  feet  of 
E  plurilws" 


172  A  OFFERIN'  B5T  B.  B. 

"  Dr.  Bombus  our  respected  citizen ;  how  he  tenderly 
ushers  us  into  a  world  of  trial,  and  professionally  and 
scientifically  assists  us  out  of  it.  May  his  troubles 
be  as  small  as  his  morphine  powders,  and  the  circle 
of  his  joys  as  well  rounded  as  his  pills." 

"  The  press  of  Jonesville,  the  Gimlet,  and  the  Augur ; 
May  they  perforate  the  crust  of  ignorance  with  a  gi 
gantic  hole,  through  which  blushing  civilization  can 
sweetly  peer  into  futurity." 

"  The  fair  sect :  first  in  war,  first  in  peace,  and  first 
in  the  hearts  of  their  countrymen.  May  them  that 
love  the  aforesaid,  flourish  like  a  green  bay  berry  tree, 
whereas  may  them  that  hate  them,  dwindle  down  as 
near  to  nothin'  as  the  bonnets  of  the  aforesaid." 

That  peice  of  toast  was  Lawer  Nugent's. 

Prof.  Aspire  Todd's  was  the  last. 

"  The  Luminous  Lamp  of  Progression,  whose  sciath- 
erical  shadows  falling  upon  earthly  matter,  not  promo 
ting  sciolism,  or  Siccity,  may  it  illumine  humanity  as 
it  tardigradely  floats  from  matter's  aquius  wastes,  to 
minds  majestic  and  apyrous  climes." 

Shakspeare  Bobbet  then  rose  up,  and  says  he, 

"  Before  we  leave  this  joyo-us  grove  I  have  a  poem 
which  I  was  requested  to  read  to  you,  it  is  dedicated 
to  the  Goddess  of  Liberty,  and  was  transposed  by  an 
other  female,  who  modestly  desires  her  name  not  to  be 
mentioned  any  further  than  the  initials  B.  B." 


AT  HOME  COUNTIN'THE  COST.  173 

He  then  read  the  follerin'  spirited  lines : 

Before  all  causes  East  or  West, 

I  love  the  Liberty  cause  the  best, 

I  love  its  cheerful  greetings ; 

No  joys  on  earth  can  e'er  be  found, 

Like  those  pure  pleasures  that  abound, 

At  Jonesville  Liberty  meetings. 

To  all  the  world  I  give  my  hand, 
My  heart  is  with  that  noble  band, 
The  Jonesville  Liberty  brothers ; 
May  every  land  preserved  be, 
Each  clime  that  dotes  on  Liberty— 
Jonesville  before  all  others. 

The  picknick  never  broke  up  till  most  night,  I  went 
tome  a  little  while  before  it  broke,  and  if  there  was  a 
beat  out  creeter,  I  was ;  I  jest  dropped  my  delapidaled 
form  into  a  rockin'  chair  with  a  red  cushien  and  says  I, 

"  There  needn't  be  another  word  said,  I  will  never 
go  to  another  4th  as  long  as  my  name  is  Josiah  Al 
len's  wife." 

"  You  haint  patriotic  enough  Semantha  says  Josiah, 
you  dont  love  your  country." 

"  What  good  has  it  done  the  nation  to  have  me  all 
tore  to  pieces  ?  says  I,  "  Look  at  my  dress,  look  at  my 
bonnet  and  cape,  any  one  ought  to  be  a  iron  clad  to 
stand  it,  look  at  my  dishes  !"  says  I. 

u  I  guess  the  old  heroes  of  the  Revolution  went 
through  more  than  that,"  says  Josiah. 

"  Well  I  haint  a  old  hero !"  says  I  coolly. 

"  Well  you  can  honor  'em  cant  you  1" 


174  WHAT  GOOD  HAS  IT  DONE  ? 

"  Honor  Jem !  Josiah  Allen  what  good  has  it  done 
to  old  Mr.  Layfayette  to  have  my  new  earthern  pie 
plates  smashed  to  bits,  and  a  couple  of  tines  broke  off 
of  one  of  my  best  forks  ?  What  good  has  it  done  to 
old  Thomas  Jefferson,  to  have  my  lawn  dress  tore  of! 
of  me  by  Betsey  Bobbet  ?  what  benefit  has  it  been  to 
John  Adams,  or  Isaac  Putnam  to  have  old  Peedick  step 
through  it  ?  what  honor  has  it  been  to  George  Wash 
ington  to  have  my  straw  bonnet  flatted  down  tight  to 
my  head  ?  I  am  sick  of  this  talk  about  honorin,  and 
liberty  and  duty,  I  am  sick  of  it,"  says  I  "  folks  will 
make  a  pack  horse  of  duty,  and  ride  it  to  circus'es. 
and  bull  fights,  if  we  had  ?em.  You  may  talk  about 
honorin'  the  old  heroes  and  goin'  through  all  these  per 
formances  to  please  'em.  But  if  they  are  in  Heaven 
they  can  get  along  without  heerin'  the  Jones ville  brass 
band,  and  if  they  haint,  they  are  probably  where  fire 
works  haint  much  of  a  rarity  to  'em." 

Josiah  quailed  before  my  lofty  tone  and  I  relapsed 
into  a  weary  and  delapidated  silence. 


SIMON  SLIMPSEY  AND  HIS   MOURNFUL 
FOREBODIN'S. 


or  three  weeks  after  this,  Thomas  Jefferson 
JL  went  to  the  school  house  to  meetin'  one  Sunday 
night,  and  he  broke  out  to  the  breakfast  table  the  next 
mornin' — 

"  Mother,  I  am  sick  of  the  Jews,"  says  he,  "  I  should 
think  the  Jews  had  a  hard  enough  time  a  wanderin' 
for  40  years,  it  seems  to  me  if  I  was  in  minister's 
places  I  would  let  'em  rest  a  little  while  now,  and  go 
to  preachin'  to  livin'  sinners,  when  the  world  is  full 
of  'em,  There  was  two  or  three  drunkards  there  last 
night,  a  thief,  four  hypocrites,  and — " 

"  One  little  conceited  creeter  that  thinks  he  knows 
more  than  his  old  minister,"  says  I  in  a  rebukin'  tone. 

"Yes,  I  noticed  Shakespeare  Bobbet  was  there," 
says  he  calmly.  "  But  wouldn't  it  have  been  better, 
mother,  to  have  preached  to  these  livin'  sinners  that 
are  goin  to  destruction  round  him,  and  that  ought  to 
be  chased  up,  and  punched  in  the  side  with  the  Gos- 

m 


178  BETSEY  TALKED  IN  MEET1N'. 

pel,  than  to  chase  round  them  old  Jews  for  an  hour 
and  a  half?  Them  old  men  deserve  rest,  and  ought 
to  have  it." 

Says  I,  "Elder  Wesley  Minkley  used  'ein  as  a 
means  of  grace  to  carry  his  hearers  towards  heaven." 

Says  Thomas,  "  I  can  go  out  in  the  woods  alone,  and 
lay  doun  and  look  up  to  the  sky,  and  get  nearer  to 
heaven,  than  I  can  by  follerin'  up  them  old  dead 
Jews." 

Says  I  in  awful  earnest  tones,  "  Thomas  Jefferson, 
you  are  gettin'  into  a  dangerous  path,"  says  I,  "  don't 
let  me  hear  another  word  of  such  talk ;  we  should  all 
be  willin'  to  bear  our  crosses." 

"I  am  willin'  to  bear  any  reasonable  cross,  mother, 
but  I  hate  to  tackle  them  old  Jews  and  shoulder  'em, 
for  there  don't  seem  to  be  any  need  of  it." 

I  put  on  about  as  cold  a  look  onto  my  face  as  I 
could  under  the  circumstances,  (I  had  been  fryin'  buck 
wheat  pancakes,)  and  Thomas  J.  turned  to  his  father— 

"  Betsey  Bobbet  talked  in  meetin'  last  night  after 
the  sermon,  father,  she  said  she  knew  that  she  was 
religious,  because  she  felt  that  she  loved  the  breth- 
eren." 

Josiah  laughed,  the  way  he  encourages  that  boy  is 
awful,  but  I  spoke  in  almost  frigid  tones,  as  I  passed 
him  his  3d  cup  of  coffee, 

"  She  meant  it  in  a  scriptural  sense,  of  course." 

"  I  guess  you'd  think  she  meant  it  in  a  earthly  sense, 


THOMAS  J.  ON  BETSEY'S  RELIGION.  179 

if  you  had  seen  her  hang  on  to  old  Slimpsey  last  night, 
she'll  marry  that  old  man  yet,  if  he  don't  look  out." 

"  Oh  shaw  !"  says  I  coolly,  "  she  is  payin'  attention 
to  the  Editer  of  the  Augur." 

"  She'll  never  get  him,"  says  he  ;  "  she  means  to  be 
on  the  safe  side,  and  get  one  or  the  other  of  'em ;  how 
stiddy  she  has  been  to  meetin'  sense  old  Slimpsey 
moved  into  the  place." 

"  You  shall  not  make  light  of  her  religion,  Thomas 
Jefferson,"  says  I,  pretty  severely. 

"  I  won't,  mother,  I  shouldn't  feel  right  to,  for  it  is 
light  enough  now,  it  don't  all  consist  in  talkin'  in 
meetin',  mother.  I  don't  believe  in  folks'es  usin'  up 
all  their  religion  Sunday  nights,  and  then  goin'  with 
out  any  all  the  rest  of  the  week,  it  looks  as  shiftless  in 
'em  as  a  three-year-old  hat  on  a  female.  The  religion 
that  gets  up  on  Sunday  nights,  and  then  sets  down  all 
the  rest  of  the  week,  I  don't  think  much  of." 

Says  I  in  a  tone  of  deep  rebuke,  "  Instead  of  tendin' 
other  folks'es  motes,  Thomas  Jefferson,  you  had  better 
take  care  of  your  own  beams,  you'll  have  plenty  work, 
enough  to  last  you  one  spell." 

"  And  if  you  have  got  through  with  your  breakfast," 
says  his  father,  "  you  had  better  go  and  fodder  the 
cows." 

Thomas  J.  arose  with  alacraty  and  went  to  the  barn, 
and  his  father  soon  drew  on  his  boots  and  follered  him, 
and  with  a  pensive  brow  I  turned  out  my  dishwater. 


180  A  VISIT  FROM  SIMON  SLIMPSEY. 

1  hadn't  got  my  dishes  more  than  half  done,  when  with 
110  warnin'  of  no  kind,  the  door  bust  open,  and  in  tot 
tered  Simon  Slimpsey,  pale  as  a  piece  of  a  white  cot 
ton  shirt.  I  wildly  wrung  out  my  dishcloth,  and  of 
fered  him  a  chair,  say  in'  in  a  agitated  tone,  "  What  is 
the  matter,  Simon  Slimpsey  ?" 

"  Am  I  pursued  ?"  says  he  in  a  voice  of  low  frenzy, 
MS  he  sunk  into  a  wooden  bottomed  chair.  I  cast  one 
<>r  two  eagle  glances  out  of  the  window,  both  ways, 
;md  replied  in  a  voice  of  choked  doun  emotion, 

"  There  haint  nobody  in  sight ;  has  your  life  been 
attackted  by  burglers  and  incindiarys  ?  speak,  Simon 
Slimpsey,  speak!" 

He  struggled  nobly  for  calmness,  but  in  vain,  and 
then  he  put  his  hand  wildly  to  his  brow,  and  murmured 
in  low  and  hollow  accents — 

"Betsey  Bobbet." 

I  see  he  was  overcome  by  as  many  as  six  or  seven 
different  emotions  of  various  anguishes,  and  I  give 
him  pretty  near  a  minute  to  recover  himself,  and  then 
says  I  as  I  sadly  resumed  my  dishcloth, 

"What  of  her,  Simon  Slimpsey?" 

"  She'll  be  the  death  on  me,,'  says  he,  "  and  that 
haint  the  worst  on  it,  my  sole  is  jeopardized  on  account 
of  her.  Oh,"  says  he,  groanin'  in  a  anguish,  "  could 
you  believe  it,  Miss  Allen,  that  I — a  member  of  a  Au- 
thodox  church  and  the  father  of  13  small  children- 
could  be  tempted  to  swear?  Behold  that  wretch.  As 


SIMON  SLIMPSEY'S  APPEARANCE.  181 

I  come  through  your  gate  jest  now,  I  said  to  myself 
1  By  Jupiter,  I  can't  stand  it  so,  much  longer.'  And 
last  night  I  wished  I  was  a  ghost,  for  I  thought  if  I 
was  a  apperition  I  could  have  escaped  from  her  view. 
Oh,"  says  he,  groanin'  agin,  "  I  have  got  so  low  as  to 
wish  I  was  a  ghost." 

He  paused,  and  in  a  deep  and  almost  broodin' 
silence,  I  finished  my  dishes,  and  hung  up  my  dishpan. 

"  She  come  rushin'  out  of  Deacon  Gowdey's,  as  I 
come  by  jest  now,  to  talk  to  me,  she  don't  give  me  no 
peace,  last  night  she  would  walk  tight  to  my  side  all 
the  way  home,  and  she  looked  hungry  at  the  gate,  as 
I  went  through  and  fastened  it  on  the  inside." 

Agin  ho  paused  overcome  by  his  emotions,  and  I 
looked  pityingly  on  him.  He  was  a  small  boned  man 
of  about  seventy  summers  and  winters.  He  was 
always  a  weak,  feeble,  helpless  critter,  a  kind  of  a 
•underlin  always.  He  never  had  any  morals,  he  got 
out  of  morals  when  he  was  a  young  man,  and  haint 
been  able  to  get  any  sense.  He  has  always  drinked  a 
good  deal  of  liquor,  and  has  chawed  so  much  tobacco 
that  his  mouth  looks  more  like  a  old  yellow  spitoon 
than  anything  else.  As  I  looked  sadly  on  him  I  see 
that  age,  who  had  ploughed  the  wrinkles  into  his  face., 
had  turned  the  furrows  deep.  The  cruel  fingers  of 
time,  or  some  other  female,  had  plucked  nearly  ever}' 
hair  from  his  head,  and  the  ruthless  hand  of  fate  had 

also  seen  fit  to  deprive  him  of  his  eye  winkers,  not 
8 


182 


A  VICTIM  OF  BAD  LUCK. 


one  solitary  winker  bein'  left  for  a  shade  tree  (as  it 
were)  to  protect  the  pale  pupils  below ;  and  they  bein' 
a  light  watery  blue,  and  the  lids  bein'  inflamed,  they 

looked  sad  indeed. 
Owin'  to  afflictive  pro 
vidences  he  was  dress 
ed  up  more  than  men 
generally  be,  for  his 
neck  bein'  badly  swell 
ed  he  wore  a  string 
of  amber  beads,  and 
in  behalf  of  his  sore 
eyes  he  wore  ear  rings, 
truly  outside 
splendor  and  glitter 
wont  satisfy  the  mind, 
and  bring  happiness. 
I  1  o  o  k  e  d  u  p  o  n  h  i  s 
mournful  lace,  and  my  heart  melted  inside  of  me, 
almost  as  soft  as  it  could,  almost  as  soft  as  butter  in 
the  month  of  August.  And  I  said  to  him  in  a  sooth- 
in'  and  encouragin'  tone, 

"  Mebby  she  will  marry  the  Editer  of  the  Augur, 
she  is  payin'  attention  to  him." 

"  No  she  wont,"  says  he  in  a  solemn  and  affectin' 
way,  that  brought  tears  to  my  eyes  as  I  sot  peelin'  my 
onions  for  dinner.  "  No  she  wont,  I  shall  be  the  one, 
I  feel  it.  I  was  always  the  victim,  I  was  always  down 


FIMOX   SLIMPSKT. 


"  SHE'LL  GET  ROUND  ME."  183 

trodden.  When  I  was  a  baby  my  mother  had  two 
twins,  both  of  'em  a  little  older  than  me,  and  they 
almost  tore  me  to  pieces  before  I  got  into  trowses. 
Mebby  it  would  have  been  better  for  me  if  they  had," 
says  he  in  a  mewsin'  and  mournful  tone — I  knew  he 
thought  of  Betsey  then — and  lieavin'  a  deep  sigh  he 
resumed, 

""When  I  went  to  school  and  we  played  leap  frog, 
if  there  was  a  frog  to  be  squshed  down  under  all  the 
rest,  I  was  that  frog.  It  has  always  been  so— if  there 
was  ever  a  underliii'  and  a  victim  wanted,  I  was  that 
underlin'  and  that  victim.  And  Betsey  Bobbet  will 
get  round  me  yet,  you  see  if  she  dont,  wimmen  are 
awful  perseverin'  in  such  things." 

"  Cheer  up  Simon  Slimpsey,  you  haint  obleeged  to 
marry  her,  it  is  a  free  country,  folks  haint  obleeged  to 
marry  unless  they  are  a  mind  to,  it  dont  take  a  brass 
band  to  make  that  legal."  I  quoted  these  words  in  a 
light  and  joyous  manner  hopin'  to  rouse  him  from  his 
dispondancy,  but  in  vain,  for  he  only  repeated  in  a 
gloomy  tone, 

"  She'll  get  round  me  yet,  Miss  Allen,  I  feel  it." 
And  as  the  dark  shade  deepened  on  his  eye  brow  he 
said, 

"Have  you  seen  her  verses  in  the  last  week's 
Augur?" 

"  No  "  says  I  "  I  haint." 

In  a  silent  and  hopeless  way,  he  took  the  paper  out 


184:  A  MODEST  POEM  BY  B.  B. 

of  his  pocket  and  handed  it  to  me  and  I  read  as  fol- 
lers : — 

A    SONG. 

Composed  not  for  the  strong  minded  females,  who  madly  and  in 
decently  insist  on  rights,  but  for  the  retiring  and  delicate  minded  of 
the  sex,  who  modestly  murmer,  "  we  will  not  have  any  rights,  we  scorn 
them."  Will  some  modest  and  bashful  sisteh  set  it  to  music,  that  we 
may  timidly,  but  loudly  warble  it ;  and  oblige,  hers  'till  deth,  in  the 
glorious  cause  of  wimmen's  only  true  speah.  BETSEY  BOBBET. 

Not  for  strong  minded  wimmen, 

Do  I  now  tune  up  my  liah  ; 

Oh,  not  for  them  would  I  kin 
dle  up  the  the  sacred  fiah. 

Oh,  modest,  bashful  female, 

For  you  I  tune  up  my  lay ; 

Although  strong  minded  wimmen  sneah, 

We'll  conqueh  in  the  fray. 

CHORUS. — Press  onward,  do  not  feah,  sistehs, 
Press  onward,  do  not  feah  ; 
Remembeh  wimmen's  speah,  sistehs, 
Remembeh  wimmen's  speah. 

It  would  cause  some  fun  if  poor  Miss  Wade 

Should  say  of  her  boy  Harry, 

I  shall  not  give  him  any  trade, 

But  bring  him  up  to  marry; 

And  would  cause  some  fun,  of  course  deah  maids, 

If  Miss  Wades'es  Harry, 

Should  lose  his  end  and  aim  in  life, 

And  find  no  chance  to  marry. 

CHORUS. — Press  onward,  do  not  feah,  sistehs,  &c. 

Yes,  wedlock  is  our  only  hope, 

All  o'er  this  mighty  nation ; 

Men  are  brought  up  to  other  trades, 

But  this  is  our  vocation. 

Oh,  not  for  sense  or  love,  ask  we; 

We  ask  not  to  be  courted,  . 

Our  watch-word  is  to  married  be, 

That  we  may  be  supported. 

CHORUS. — Press  onward,  do  not  feah,  sistehs,  &c. 


8LIMPSEY  DON'T  WANT  TO  MARRY.  185 

Say  not,  you're  strong  and  love  to  work  ; 
Are  healthier  than  your  brotheh, 
Who  for  a  blacksmith  is  designed  ; 
Such  feelins  you  must  smotheh ; 
Your  restless  hands  fold  up,  or  gripe 
Your  waist  into  a  span, 
And  spend  your  strength  in  looking  out 
To  hail  the  coming  man. 
CHORUS. — Press  onward,  do  not  feah,  sistehs,  &c. 

Oh,  do  not  be  discouraged,  when 

You  find  your  hopes  brought  down  ; 

And  when  you  meet  unwilling  men, 

Heed  not  their  gloomy  frown ; 

Yield  not  to  wild  dispaih  ; 

Press  on  and  give  no  quartah, 

In  battle  all  is  faih  ; 

We'll  win  for  we  had  orteh. 

CHORUS. — Press  onward,  do  not  feah,  sistehs, 
Press  onward  do  not  feah, 
Remembeh  wimmen's  speah,  sisters, 
Remembeh  wimmen's  speah. 

"  Wall  "  says  I  in  a  encouragin'  tone,  "  that  haint 
much  different  from  the  piece  she  printid  a  week  or 
two  ago,  that  was  about  womans  spear." 

It  is  that  spear  that  is  a  goin'  to  destroy  me,"  says 
ic  mournfully, 

"  Dont  give  up  so,  Simon  Slimpsey,  I  hate  to  see 
rou  lookin'  so  gloomy  and  depressted." 

"  It  is  the  awful  detarmination  these  lines  breathe 
forth  that  appauls  me"  says  he.  "  I  have  seen  it  in 
mother.  Betsey  Bobbet  reminds  me  dreadfully  of 
mother.  And  I  dont  want  to  marry  again  Miss  Allen, 
I  dont  want  to,"  says  he  lookin'  me  pitifully  in  the 
"  I  didnt  want  to  marry  the  first  time,  I  wanted 


186  KECONCILED  TO  HIS  LOSS, 

to  be  a  bachelder,  I  think  they  have  the  easiest  time 
of  it,  by  half.  Now  there  is  a  friend  of  mine,  that 
never  was  married,  he  is  jest  my  age,  or  that  is,  he  is 
only  halt  an  hour  younger,  and  thathaint  enough  diff 
erence  to  make  any  account  of,  is  it  Miss  Allen  ?"  says 
he  in  a  pensive,  and  enquirin'  tone. 

"  No,"  says  I  in  a  reasonable  accent.  "  No,  Simon 
Slimpsey,  it  haint." 

"  Wall  that  man  has  always  been  a  bachelder,  and 
you  ought  to  see  what  a  head  of  hair  he  has  got,  sound 
at  the  roots  now,  not  a  lock  missing.  I  wanted  to  be 
one,  she,  my  late  wife,  came  and  kept  house  for  me 
and  married  me.  I  lived  with  her  for  18  years,  and 
when  she  left  me,  he  murmured  writh  a  contented  look, 
"I  was  reconciled  to  it.  I  was  reconciled  for  some 
time  before  it  took  place.  I  dont  want  to  say  anything 
against  nobody  that  haint  here,  but  I  lost  some  hair  by 
my  late  wife,"  says  he  puttin'  his  hand  to  his  bald  head 
in  a  abstracted  way,  as  gloomy  reflections  crowded  onto 
him,  "  I  lost  a  good  deal  of  hair  by  her,  and  I  haint 
much  left  as  you  can  see,"  says  he  in  a  meloncholy 
way  "  I  did  want  to  save  a  lock  or  two  for  my  child- 
dren  to  keep,  as  a  relict  of  me.  I  have  13  children  as 
you  know,  countin'  each  pair  of  twins  as  two,  and  it 
would  take  a  considerable  number  of  hairs  to  go  round." 
Agin  he  paused  overcome  by  his  feelin's,  I  knew  not 
what  to  say  to  comfort  him,  and  I  poured  onto  him  a 
few  comfortin'  adjectives. 


OVERCOME  BY  HIS  FEELIN'S.  1ST 

"  Mebby  you  are  borrowin'  trouble  without  a  cause 
Simon  Slimpsey  !  witli  life  there  is  hope  !  it  is  always 
the  darkest  before  daylight."  But  in  vain.  He  on 
ly  sighed  mournfully. 

"  She'll  get  round  me  yet   Miss  Allen,  mark  my 


SIMON    OVERCOME. 


words,  and  when  the  time  comes  you  will  think  of 

what  I  told  you."     His  face  was    most   black    with 

gloomy  aprehension,  as  he  reflected  agin.     "  You  see 

if  she  dont  get  round  me  !"  and  a  tear  began  to  flow. 

I  turned  away  with  instinctive  delicacy  and  sot  my 

pan  of  onions  in  the  sink,  but  when  I  glanced  at  him 

agin  it  was  still  flowin'.     And  I  said  to  him  in  a  tone 

of  about  two  thirds  pity  and  one  comfort, 

"  Chirk  up,  Simon  Slimpsey,  be  a  man." 

"  That  is  the  trouble,"  says  he  "if  I  wasn't  a  man, 

she  would  give  me  some  peace."     And  he  wept  into 

his  red  silk  handkerchief  (with  a  yellow  border)  bitterly. 


FREE   LOVE   LECTURES. 


It  was  a  beautiful  mornin'  in  October.  The  trees 
in  the  woods  nigh  by,  had  all  got  their  new  fall 
suits  on,  red  and  purple  and  orange,  while  further  back, 
the  old  hills  seemed  to  be  a  settin'  up  with  a  blue  gauze 
vail  on.  There  was  a  little  mite  of  a  breeze  blowin' 
up  through  the  orchard,  where  the  apples  lay  in  red 
and  yellow  heaps  in  the  green  grass.  Everything 
looked  so  beautiful  and  fresh,  that  as  I  went  out  on 
the  doorstep  to  shake  the  tablecloth,  my  heart  fairly 
sung  for  joy.  And  I  exclaimed  to  Josiah  in  clear, 
happy  tones, 

"  What  a  day  it  is,  Josiah,  to  gather  the  winter  ap 
ples  and  pull  the  beets." 

He  says,  "  Yes,  Samantha,  and  after  you  get  your 
work  done  up,  don't  you  s'pose  you  could  come  out 
and  pick  up  apples  a  spell  ?" 

I  told  him  in  the  same  cheerful  tones  I  had  formally 

used,  "that  I  would,  and  that  I  would  hurry  up  my 

188 


BETSEY  GETS  KISSED  AT  LAST.  189 

dishes  as  fast  as  I  could,  and  come  out." 

But  alas  !  how  little  do  we  know  what  trial  a  hour 
may  bring  forth ;  this  hour  brought  forth  Betsey  Bob- 
bet.  As  I  went  to  the  door  to  throw  out  my  dishwa 
ter,  I  see  her  cornin'  through  the  gate.  I  controlled 
myself  pretty  well,  and  met  her  with  considerable 
calmness.  She  was  in  awful  good  spirits.  There  had 
been  a  lecture  on  Free  Love  to  Jonesville ;  Prof.  The- 
ron  Gusher  had  been  a  lecturin'  there,  and  Betsey  had 
attended  to  it,  and  was  ail  full  of  the  idee.  She  begun 
almost  before  she  sot  down,  and  says  she, 

Josiah  Aliens  wife  you  cant  imagine  what  new  and 
glorious  and  soaring  ideahs  that  man  has  got  into  his 
head." 

"  Let  him   soar,"  says  I  coldly,  it  dont  hurt  me." 

Says  she,  "  He  is  too  soaring  a  soul  to  be  into  this 
cold  unsympathizing  earth,  he  ought  by  good  right  to 
be  in  a  warmeh  speah." 

Says  I  coldly,  and  almost  frigidly,  "  From  what  I 
have  heard  of  his  lecture  I  think  so  too,  a  good  deal 
warmer." 

Says  she,  "  He  was  to  our  house  yesterday,  he  said 
he  felt  dreadful  drawed  to  me,  a  kind  of  a  holy  draw 
ing  you  know,  I  neveh  saw  suoh  a  saintly,  heavenly 
minded  man  in  my  life.  Why  he  got  into  such  a 
spirutal  state — when  motheh  went  out  of  the  room  a 
minute — he  kissed  me  moah  than  a  dozen  times ;  that 

man  is  moah  than  half  a  angel,  Josiah  Aliens  wife." 
8* 


190  A  PROFESSOR  SOMEWHAT  MARRIED. 

I  gave  her  a  look  that  pierced  like  sheet  lightnirt 
through  her  tow  frizzles  and  went  as  much  as  half 
tli  rough  her  brain. 

"Haint  Theron  Gusher  a  married  man?" 

"  Oh  yes,  some." 

"  Some !  "  I  repeated  in  a  cold  accent,  "  He  is 
either  married  or  he  haint  married  one  or  the  other," 
and  again  I  repeated  coldly  "  is  he  a  married  man 
Betsey  ? " 

"  Oh  yes,  he  has  been  married  a  few  times,  or  what 
the  cold  world  calls  marrying— he  has  got  a  wife  now, 
but  I  do  not  believe  he  has  found  his  affinity  yet, 
though  he  has  got  several  bills  of  divorcement  from 
various  different  wimmen  trying  to  find  her.  That 
may  be  his  business  to  Jonesville,  but  it  does  not 
become  me  to  speak  of  it." 

Says  I  "  Betsey  Bobbet ! "  and  I  spoke  in  a  real 
solemn  camp  meetin'  tone,  for  I  was  talkin'  on  deep 
principle,"  says  I,  "you  say  he  is  a  married  man — and 
now  to  say  nothin'  of  your  own  modesty  if  you  have 
got  any  and  stand  up  onto  clear  principle,  how  would 
you  like  to  have  your  husband  if  you  had  one,  round 
kissin'  other  wimmen  ? " 

"Oh,"  says  she,  "His  wife  will  neveh  know  it, 
neveh !" 

"If  it  is  such  a  pious,  heavenly,  thing,  why  not  tell 
her  of  it?" 

"  Oh  Prof.  Gusheh  says  that  some  natures  are  to 


MARRIED  MEN  GOOD  FOR  SOME  PURPOSES.        191 

gross  and  earthly  to  comprehend  how  souls  can  meet, 
scorning  and  forgetting  utterly  those  vile,  low,  clay 
bodies  of  ours.  He  does  not  think  much  of  these  clay 
bodies  anyway." 

"  These  clay  bodies  are  the  best  we  have  got,"  says 
I,  "And  we  have  got  to  stay  in  'em  till  we  die,  and  the 
Lord  tells  us  to  keep  'em  pure,  so  he  can  come  and 
visit  us  in  'em.  I  don't  believe  the  Lord  thinks  much 
of  these  holy  drawin's.  I  know  I  don't." 

Betsey  sot  silently  twistin'  her  ottor  colored  bonnet 
strings,  and  I  went  on,  for  I  felt  it  was  my  duty. 

u  Married  men  are  jest  as  good  as  them  that  haint 
married  for  lots  of  purposes,  such  as  talkin'  with  on 
the  subject  of  religeon,  and  polytix  and  miscelanious 
subjects,  and  helpin'  you  out  of  a  double  wagon,  and 
etcetery.  But  when  it  comes  to  kissin',  marryin'  spiles 
men  in  my  opinion  for  kissin'  any  other  woman  only 
jest  their  own  wives." 

"  But  suppose  a  man  has  a  mere  clay  wife  ? "  says 
Betsey. 

Says  I,  "  Betsey,  Josiah  Allen  was  goin'  to  buy  a 
horse  the  other  day  that  the  man  said  was  a  3  year 
old ;  he  found  by  lookin'  at  her  teeth  that  she  was 
pretty  near  40  ;  Josiah  didn't  buy  it.  If  a  man  don't 
want  to  marry  a  clay  woman,  let  him  try  to  find  one 
that  haint  clay.  I  think  myself  that  he  will  have  a 
hard  time  to  find  one,  but  he  has  a  perfect  right  to 
hunt  as  long  as  he  is  a  mind  to— let  him,"  says  I  in  a 


192  A  FREE  LOVE  SONG. 

liberal  tone.  "  Let  him  hire  a  horse  and  sulkey,  and 
search  the  country  over  and  over.  I  don't  care  if  he 
is  20  years  a  him  tin'  and  comparin'  wimmin  a  try  in' 
to  find  one  to  suit  him.  But  when  he  once  makes  up 
his  mind,  I  say  let  him  stand  by  his  bargain,  and  make 
the  best  of  it,  and  not  try  afterwards  to  look  at  her 
teeth;" 

Betsey  still  sot  silently  twistin'  her  bunnet  strings, 
but  I  see  that  she  was  a  mewsin'  on  some  thought  of 
her  own,  and  in  a  minute  or  so  she  broke  out :  "  Oh, 
what  a  soaring  sole  Prof.  Gusheh  is ;  he  soared  in  his 
lecture  to  that  extent  that  it  seemed  as  if  he  would 
lift  me  right  up,  and  carry  me  off." 

For  a  minute  I  thought  of  Theron  Gusher  with 
respect,  and  then  agin  my  eye  fell  sadly  upon  Betsey, 
and  she  went  on, 

"  I  came  right  home  and  wrote  a  poem  on  the  sub 
ject,  and  I  will  read  it  to  you."  And  before  I  could 
say  a  word  to  help  myself,  she  begun  to  read. 

Him  of  the  Free  Love  Republic. 
BY   BETSEY   BOBBET. 

If  females  had  the  spunk  of  a  mice, 
From  man,  their  foeman  they  would  arise, 
Their  darning  needles  to  infamy  send — 
Their  dish  cloth  fetters  nobly  rend , 
From  tyrant  man  would  rise  and  flee; 
Thus  boldly  whispered  Betsey  B. 

CHORUS. — Females,  have  you  a  mice's  will, 
You  will  rise  up  and  get  a  bill. 

But  sweeter,  sweeter,  'tis  to  see, 
When  man  hain't  found  affiinitee, 


A  SORT  OF  WAR  CRY.  193 

But  wedded  unto  lumps  of  clay, 
To  boldly  rise  and  soar  away. 
Ah !  'tis  a  glorious  sight  to  see ; 
Thus  boldly  murmured  Betsey  B. 
CHORUS. — Male  men,  have  you  a  mice's  will, 
You  will  rise  up  and  get  a  bill 

Haste  golden  year,  when  all  are  free 
To  hunt  for  their  affiinitee  ; 
When  wedlock's  gate  opens  to  all, 
The  halt,  the  lame,  the  great,  the  small. 
Ah  !  blissful  houh  may  these  eyes  see — 
These  wishful  eyes  of  Betsey  B. 

CHORUS. — Males !  females  !  with  a  mice's  will, 
Rise  up  !  rise  up  !  and  get  a  bill. 

For  that  will  hasten  on  that  day — 
That  blissful  time  when  none  can  say, 
Scornful,  '•  I  am  moah  married  than  thee !  " 
For  all  will  be  married,  and  all  won't  be  ; 
But  promiscous  like.     Oh  !  shall  I  see 
That  blessed  time,  sighed  Betsey  B. — 

CHORUS. — Yes,  if  folks  will  have  a  mice's  will 
And  will  rise  up  and  get  a  bill. 

"  You  see  it  repeats  some,"  says  Betsey  as  she  nni- 
ished  readin'.  But  Prof.  Gusheh  wanted  me  to  write 
a  him  to  sing  at  thier  Free  Love  conventions,  and  he 
wanted  a  chorus  to  each  verse,  a  sort  of  a  war-cry,  that 
all  could  join  in  and  help  sing,  and  he  says  these  soul 
stirrin'  lines 

Have  you  a  mice's  will, 

You  will  rise  up  and  get  a  bill ;' 

have  got  the  true  ring  to  them.  I  had  to  kind  o'  speak 
against  men  in  it.  I  hated  too,  awfully,  but  Prof. 
Gusheh  said  it  would  be  necessary,  in  ordeh  to  rouse 
the  masses.  He  says  the  almost  withering  sarcasm  of 
this  noble  song  is  just  what  they  need.  He  says  it 


194  HUNTLN'  FOR  AFFINITIES. 

will  go  down  to  posterity  side  by  side  with  Yankee 
Doodle,  if  not  ahead  of  it.  I  know  by  his  countenance 
that  he  thought  it  was  superior  to  Mr.  Doodles  him. 
But  what  think  you  of  it,  Josiah  Allen's  wife  ? " 

"  I  think  "  says  I  in  a  cautious  tone,  "  that  it  is 
about  off  V  a  piece  with  the  subject." 

"Don't  you  think  Josiah  Allen's  wife  that  it  would 
be  real  sweet  to  get  bills  from  men.  It  is  a  glorious 
doctrine  for  wimmen,  so  freein'  and  liberatin'  to  them." 

"  Sweet !"  says  I  hautily  "  it  would  be  a  pretty 
world  wouldn't  it  Betsey  Bobbet,  if  every  time  a  wo 
man  forgot  to  put  a  button  onto  a  shirt,  her  husband 
would  start  up  and  say  she  wasn't  his  affinitee,  and  go 
to  him  tin'  of  her  up,  or  every  time  his  collar  choked 
him." 

"  Oh,  but  wimmen  could  hunt  too  !" 

"  Who  would  take  care  of  the  children,  if  they  was 
both  a  huntin'  ?  "  says  I  sternly,  "  it  would  be  a  hard 
time  for  the  poor  little  innocents,  if  there  father  and 
mother  was  both  of  'em  off  a  huntin'." 

Before  I  could  free  my  mind  any  further  about  Prof. 
Gusher  and  his  doctrine,  I  had  a  whole  houseful  of 
company  come,  and  Betsey  departed.  But  before  she 
went  she  told  me  that  Prof.  Gusher  had  heard  that  I 
was  in  faver  of  wimmen's  rights  and  he  was  comin'  to 
see  me  before  he  left  Jonesville. 

The  next  day  he  came.  Josiah  was  to  the  barn  a 
thrashin'  beans,  but  I  received  him  with  a  calm  dig- 


A  VISIT  FROM  THE  PROFESSOR. 


195 


PROFESSOR    GUSHER. 


nity.     He  was  a  harmless  lookin'  little  man,  with  his 
hair  combed  ami  oiled  as  smooth  as  a  lookin'  glass. 

He  had  on  a  bell-croun- 
ed  hat  which  he  lifted 
from  his  head  with  a 
smile  as  I  come  to  the 
door.  He  wore  a  plad 
jacket,  and  round  his 
neck  and  hangin'  doim 
his  bosom  was  a  bright 
satten  scarf  into  which 
he  had  stuck  2  big  head 
ed  pins  with  a  chain 
hitched  onto  each  of  'em,  and  he  had  a  book  under  his 
arm.  He  says  to  me  most  the  first  thing  after  he  sot 
down, 

"  You  believe  in  wimmin  havin'  a  right  dont  you  ?" 
"  Yes  Sir,"  says  I  keenly  lookin'  up  from  my  knitin' 
work.     "  Jest  as  many  rights  as  she  can  get  holt  of, 
rights  never  hurt  any  body  yet." 

"  Worthy  statements,"  says  he.     "  And  you  believe 
in  Free  Love,  do  you  not  ?" 
"How  free?"  says  I  cooly. 

"  Free  to  marry  any  body  you  want  to,  and  as  long 

as  you  want  to,  from  half  a  day,  up  to  5  years  or  so." 

"  No  Sir  !"  says  I  sternly,  "  I  believe  in  rights,  but 

I  dont  believe  in  wrongs,  of  all  the  miserable  doctrines 

that  was  ever  let  loose  on  the  world,  the  doctrine  of 


196  PEPPERMINT  RECOMMENDED. 

Free  Love  is  the  miserable'st.  Free  Love !"  I  repeat 
ed  in  indignant  tones,"  "  it  ought  to  be  called  free  dev- 
litry,  that  is  the  right  name  for  it." 

He  sunk  right  back  in  his  chair,  put  his  hand  wildly 
to  his  brow  and  exclaimed, 

"  My  soul  aches,  I  thought  I  had  found  a  congenial 
spirit,  but  I  am  decieved,  my  breast  aches,  and  siths, 
and  pants."  He  looked  so  awful  distressed,  that  I 
didn't  know  what  did  ail  him,  and  I  looked  pityin'  on 
him  from  over  my  spectacles  and  I  says  to  him  jest  as 
I  would  to  our  Thomas  Jefferson, 

"  Mebby  your  vest  is  too  tight." 

"Yest!"  he  repeated  in  wild  tones,  "would  I  had 
no  worse  trammels  than  store  clothes,  but  it  is  the 
fate  of  reformers  to  be  misunderstood.  "  Woman  the 
pain  is  deeper  and  it  is  a  gnawin'  me." 

His  eyes  was  kinder  rolled,  and  he  looked  so  wilted 
and  uncomfortable,  that  I  says  to  him  in  still  more 
pityin'  accents, 

"Haint  you  got  wind  on  your  stummuck,"  for  if 
you  have,  peppermint  essence  is  the  best  stuff  you  can 
take,  and  T  will  get  you  some." 

"  Wind !  "  he  almost  shouted,  "  wind  !  no,  it  is  not 
wind,"  he  spoke  so  deleriously  that  he  almost  skairt 
rne,  but  I  kep  up  my  placid  demeaner,  and  kep  on 
knittin'. 

"  Wimmen,"  said  he,  "  I  would  right  the  wrongs 
of  your  sect  if  I  could,  T  bear  in  mv  heart  the  woes 


NO  YEARNIN'  FOR  FREEDOM.         197 

and  pains  of  all  the  aching  female  hearts  of  the  19 
centurjs." 
My  knittin'  dropped  into  my  lap,  and  I  looked  up  at 

9 

him  in  surprise,  and  I  says  to  him  respectfully, 

"No  wonder  you  groaji  and  sithe,  it  must  hurt 
awfully." 

"  It  does  hurt,"  says  he,  "  but  it  hurts  a  sensitive 
spirit  worse  to  have  it  mistook  for  wind." 

He  see  my  softened  face,  and  he  took  advantage  of 
it,  and  went  on. 

"  Woman,  you  have  been  married,  you  say,  goin'  on 
15  years ;  hain't  you  never  felt  slavish  in  that  time, 
and  felt  that  you  would  gladly  unbind  yourself?" 

"  Never  !"  says  I  firmly,  "  never  !  I  don't  want  to 
be  unbound." 

"  Hain't  you  never  had  longings,  and  yearnings  to 
be  free?" 

"  Not  a  yearn,"  says  I  calmly,  "  not  a  yearn.  "  If 
I  had  wanted  to  remain  free  I  shouldn't  have  give  my 
heart  and  hand  to  Josiah  Allen.  I  didn't  do  it  deleri- 
ously,  I  had  my  senses."  Says  I,  "  you  can't  set  down 
and  stand  up  at  the  same  time,  each  situation  has  its 
advantages,  but  you  can't  be  in  both  places  at  once, 
and  this  tryin'  to.  is  what  makes  so  much  trouble 
amongst  men  and  wiminen.  They  want  the  rights 
and  advantages  of  both  stations  to  once — they  want  to 
set  down  and  stand  up  at  the  same  time,  and  it  can't 
be  did.  Men  and  wimmen  hain't  married  at  the  pint 
of  the  bayonet,  they  go  into  it  with  both  their  eyes 


198  NO  VALUE  IN  A  BILL. 

open.  If  anybody  thinks  they  are  happier,  and  freer 
from  care  without  bein'  married,  nobody  compels  'em 
to  be  married,  but  if  they  are,  they  hadn't  ought  to 
want  to  be  married  and  single  at  the  same  time,  it  is 
onreasonable." 

He  looked  some  convinced,  and  I  went  on  in  a  softer 
tone, 

"I  hain't  a  goin'  to  say  that  Josiah  hain't  been  tryin' 
a  good  many  times.  He  has  raved  round  some,  when 
dinner  wasn't  ready,  and  gone  in  his  stockin'  feet  con 
siderable,  and  been  slack  about  kindlin'  wood.  Like 
wise  I  have  my  failin's.  I  presume  I  hain't  done 
always  exactly  as  I  should  about  shirt  buttons,  mebby 
I  have  scolded  rnore'n  I  ort  to  about  his  keepin'  geese. 
But  if  men  and  wimmen  think  they  are  marryin' 
angels,  they'll  find  out  they'll  have  to  settle  down  and 
keep  house  with  human  critters.  I  never  see  a  year 
yet,  that  didn't  have  more  or  less  winter  in  it,  but 
what  does  it  say, '  for  better,  for  worse,'  and  if  it  turns 
out  more  worse  than  better,  why  that  don't  part  us,  for 
what  else  does  it  say  ?  '  Till  death  does  us  part,'  and 
what  is  your  little  slip  of  paper  that  you  call  a  bill  to 
that?  Is  that  death  ?"  says  I. 

He  quailed  silently,  and  I  proceeded  on. 

"  I  wouldn't  give  a  cent  for  your  bills,  I  had  jest  as 
lives  walk  up  and  marry  any  married  man,  as  to  marry 
a  man  with  a  bill.  I  had  jest  as  lives,"  says  I  warm  in' 
with  my  subject,  "  I  had  jest  as  lives  join  a  Mormon 
at  once.  How  should  I  feel,  to  know  there  was  another 


WHAT  I  WOULD  DO.  199 

woman  loose  in  the  world,  liable  to  walk  in  here  any 
minute  and  look  at  Josiah,  and  to  know  all  that  sepa 
rated  'em  was  a. little  slip  of  paper  about  an  inch  wide?" 

My  voice  was  loud  and  excited,  for  I  felt  deeply 
what  I  said,  and  says  he  in  soothin'  tones, 

"  I  presume  that  you  and  your  husband  are  conge 
nial  spirits,  but  what  do  you  think  of  soarin'  soles, 
that  find  out  when  it  is  too  late  that  they  are  wedded 
to  mere  lumps  of  clay. 

I  hadn't  fully  recovered  from  my  excited  frame  of 
mind,  and  I  replied  warmly,  "  I  never  see  a  man  yet 
that  wasn't  more  or  less  clay,  and  to  tell  you  the  truth 
I  think  jest  as  much  of  these  clay  men  as  I  do  of  these 
soarers,  I  never  had  any  opinion  of  soarers  at  all." 

He  sank  back  in  his  chair  and  sithed,  for  I  had 
touched  him  in  a  tender  place,  but  still  clinging  to 
his  free  love  doctrine,  he  murmered  faintly, 

"  Some  wimmen  are  knocked  down  by  some  men, 
and  dragged  out." 

His  meek  tones  touched  my  feelin's,  and  I  contin 
ued  in  more  reasonable  accents. 

"  Mebby  if  I  was  married  to  a  man  that  knocked 
me  down  and  dragged  me  out  frequently,  I  would 
leave  him  a  spell,  but  not  one  cent  would  I  invest  in 
another  man,  not  a  cent.  I  would  live  alone  till  he 
came  to  his  senses,  if  he  ever  did,  and  if  he  didn't, 
why  when  the  great  roll  is  called  over  above,  I  would 
answer  to  the  name  I  took  when  I  loved  him  and 
married  him,  hopin'  his  old  love  would  come  back 


200  A  MEAN  BUSINESS. 

again  there,  and  we  would  have  all  eternity  to  keep 
house  in." 

He  looked  so  depressted,  as  he  sot  leanin'  back  in 
his  chair,  that  I  thought  I  had  convinced  him,  and  he 
was  sick  of  his  business,  and  I  asked  him  in  a  helpful 
way, 

"  Hain't  there  no  other  business  you  can  get  into, 
besides  preachin'  up  Free  Love?  Hain't  there  no 
better  business?  Hain't  there  no  cornfields  where 
you  could  hire  out  for  a  scare-crow — can't  you  get  to 
be  United  States  Senator?  Hain't  there  no  other 
mean  job  not  quite  so  mean  as  this,  you  could  get  into  ? 

He  didn't  seem  to  take  it  friendly  in  me,  you  know 
friendly  advice  makes  some  folks  mad.  He  spoke  out 
kinder  surly  and  says  he,  "  I  hain't  done  no  hurt,  I 
only  want  everybody  to  find  their  affiiiitee. 

That  riled  up  the  blood  in  me,  and  says  I  with 
spirit, 

"  Say  that  word  to  me  agin  if  you  dare."  Says  I 
"  of  all  the  mean  words  a  married  woman  ever  listened 
to,  that  is  the  meanest,"  says  I  "  if  you  say  "  affinitee  " 
here  in  my  house,  agin,  young  man,  I  will  holler  to 
Josiah." 

He  see  I  was  in  earnest  and  deeply  indignent,  and 
he  ketched  up  his  hat  and  cane,  and  started  off,  and 
glad  enough  was  I  to  see  him  go. 


ELDER  WESLEY  MINKLE'S   DONATION 
PARTY. 


About  four  weeks  afterwards,  I  had  got  my  kitchen 
mopped  out,  clean  as  a  pin  and  everything  inper- 
fect  order  and  the  dinner  started,  (I  was  goin'  to  have 
beef  steak  and  lice  puddin',)  and  then  I  took  a  bowl 
of  raisons  and  sot  doun  to  stun  'em,  for  I  was  goin'  to 
bake  a  plum  cake  for  supper.  I  will  have  good  vittles 
as  long  as  my  name  is  Josiah  Allen's  wife.  And  it 
haint  only  on  my  own  account  that  I  do  it,  but  I  do  it 
as  I  have  observed  before,  from  deep  and  almost 
cast  iron  principle.  For  as  the  greatest  of  philosiphers 
have  discovered,  if  a  woman  would  keep  her  table 
spread  out  from  year  to  year,  and  from  hour  to  hour, 
filled  with  good  vittles,  that  woman  would  have  a 
clever  set  of  men  folks  round. 

As  I  sot  serenely  stunnin'  my  raisons,  not  dreamin' 
of  no  trouble,  I  heard  a  rap  at  the  door,  and  in  walked 
Betsey  Bobbet.  I  see  she  looked  kinder  curious,  but  I 
didn't  say  nothin',  only  I  asked  her  to  take  off  her 
things.  She  complied,  and  as  she  took  out  her  tattin1 

and  begun  to  tat,  says  she — 

201 


202  BETSEY'S  NEGLECTED  DUTY. 

"  I  have  come  to  crave  your  advise,  Josiah  Allen's 
wife.  I  am  afraid  I  have  been  remissin'  in  my  duty. 
Martin  Farquar  Tupper  is  one  of  the  most  sweet 
est  poets  of  the  ages.  My  sentiments  have  always 
blended  in  with  his  beautiful  sentiments,  I  have 
always  flew  with  his  flights,  and  soalied  with  his 
soahs.  And  last  night  afteh  I  had  retiahed  to  bed,  one 
of  his  sublime  ideahs  come  to  me  with  a  poweli  I  nev- 
eh  befoah  felt.  It  knocked  the  bolted  doah  of  my 
heart  open,  and  said  in  low  and  hollow  tones  as  it  en 
tered  in,  '  Betsey  Bobbet,  you  have  not  nevah  done 
it.'  " 

Betsey  stopped  a  minute  here  for  me  to  look  sur 
prised  and  wonderin',  but  I  didn't,  I  stunned  my  rais- 
ons  with  a  calm  countenance,  and  she  resumed— 

"  Deah  Tuppah  remarks  that  if  anybody  is  goin'  to  be 
married,  thier  future  companion  is  upon  the  earth  some 
where  at  the  present  time,  though  they  may  not  have 
met  him  or  her.  And  he  says  it  is  our  duty  to  pray 
for  that  future  consort.  And  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  1 
have  not  neveh  done  it." 

She  looked  agonized,  as  she  repeated  to  me,  "  Josiah 
Allen's  wife,  I  have  neveh  preyed  for  him  a  word.  I 
feel  condemned  ;  would  you  begin  now  '." 

Says  I  coolly,  "  Are  you  goin'  to  prey  for  a  husband, 
or  about  one  ?" 

Says  she  mournfully,  "  A  little  of  both." 

"  Wall,"  says  I  in  a  cautious  way,  "  I  don't  know 
as  it  would  do  anv  hurt.  Betsev  " 


BETSEY  DECIDES  TO  WORK  AND  PREY.  203 

Says  she,  "  I  will  begin  to  prey  to-night.  But  that 
is  not  all  I  wished  to  crave  your  advise  about.  Folks 
must  work  as  well  as  prey.  Heaven  helps  them  that 
help  themselves.  I  am  goin'  to  take  a  decided  stand." 
Then  she  broke  off  kinder  sudden,  and  says  she,  "  Be 
you  a  goin'  to  the  Faih  and  Donation  to  the  Methodist 
church  to-morrow  night  ?" 

"Yes,"  says  I,  "  I  am  a  layin'  out  to  go." 

"  "Well,  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  will  you  stand  by  me  ? 
There  is  not  another  female  woman  in  Jonesville  that 
I  have  the  firm  unwaverin'  confidence  in,  that  I  have 
in  you.  You  always  bring  about  whateveh  you  set 
youh  hands  to  do — and  I  want  to  know,  will  you 
stand  by  me  to-morrow  night  ?" 

Says  I  in  a  still  more  cautious  tone  "  what  under- 
takin'  have  you  got  into  your  head  now,  Betsey  Bob- 
bet?" 

"  I  arn  going  to  encourage  the  Editah  of  the  Augah. 
That  man  needs  a  companion.  Men  are  bashful  and 
offish,  and  do  not  always  know  what  is  the  best  for 
them.  I  have  seen  horses  hang  back  on  the  harness 
before  now,  I  have  seen  geese  that  would  not  walk 
up  to  be  picked.  I  have  seen  children  hang  back 
from  pikery.  The  horses  ought  to  be  made  to  go ! 
The  geese  ought  to  be  held  and  picked !  The 
children  ought  to  take  the  pikery  if  you  have  to  hold 
thieh  noses  to  make  them.  The  Editah  of  the  Augah 
needs  a  companion,  I  am  going  to  encourage  that  man 


JOSIAH  DON'T  BELIEVE  IN  DONATIONS. 


to-morrer  night  and  I  want  to  know  Josiah  Allen's 
wife  if  you  will  stand  by  me." 

I  answered  her  in  reasonable  tones.  "  Yon  know 
Betsey  that  I  can't  run,  I  am  too  fat,  and  then  I  am 
gettin'  too  old,  Mebby  I  might  walk  up  and  help 
you  corner  him,  but  you  know  I  can't  run  for  any- 
body." 

Jest  then  Josiah  came  in  and  the  conversation 
dropped  down  viz:  on  the  fare.  Says  Josiah,  says 
he,  "  Brother  Wesley  Minkley  is  a  honest,  pure  minded 
man  and  I  shall  go,  and  shall  give  accordin'  to  my 

a  1)  i  1  i  t  y,  b  u  t  I 
don't  believe  in 
'em,  T  don't  be 
lieve  in  doin'  so 
much  for  minis 
ters.  The  bible 
says  let  them  live 
on  the  gospel; 
why  don't  they  ? 
The  old  'postles 
wasn't  always 
havin'  donations 
and  fares  to  get 
up  money  for  'em, 

LIVI.V  ON  GOSPEL.  and    big  sallerys. 

Why  don't  they  live  like  the  'postles?'' 

Says  I,  "  Josiah  Allen  you  try  to  live  on  clear  gospel 


THE  TOSTLE  PAUL  AS  AN  EXAMPLE.  205 

a  spell,  and  see  if  your  stommack  wouldn't  feel  kinder 
empty."  Says  I,  "  The  bible  says  the  <  Laborer  is 
worthy  of  his  hire.' ':  Says  I,  "  folks  are  willin'  to  pay 
their  doctors  and  lawyers,  and  druggers,  and  their  tin- 
peddlers,  and  every  body  else  only  ministers,  and  if 
any  body  has  a  slave's  life,  it  is  a  good  conscientious 
minister."  ,Says  I,  "  Brother  "Wesley  Minkley  works 
like  a  dog." 

"  I  don't  deny  it,"  says  Josiah,  "  but  why  don't  he 
live  like  the  'postle  Paul  ?" 

Says  I,  "  the  'postle  Paul  didn't  have  to  buy  40  or 
50  yards  of  merymac  callico  and  factory  cloth  every 
year.  He  didn't  have  to  buy  cradles  and  cribs,  and 
soothin'  syrup,  for  he  didn't  have  any  babys  to  be 
cribbed  and  soothed.  He  didn't  have  to  buy  bunnets, 
arid  gographys,  and  prunella  gaters,  and  back  combs, 
and  hair  pins,  and  etcetery,  etcetery.  He  didn't  have 
a  wife  and  seven  daughters  and  one  son,  as  Brother 
Wesley  Minkley  has  got."  Says  I,  almost  warmly, 
"  Every  other  man,  only  jest  ministers,  has  a  hope  of 
layin'  up  a  little  somethin'  for  their  children,  but  they 
don't  think  of  doin'  that,  all  they  expect  is  to  keep 
'em  alive  and  covered  up,"  and  says  I,  "  The  congrega 
tion  they  almost  slave  themselves  to  death  for,  begrech 
that,  and  will  jaw  too  if  they  hain't  covered  up,  and 
dressed  up  slick.  Sister  Minkley  wants  her  girls  to 
look  as  well  as  the  rest  of  the  girls  in  the  Church." 

Says  I,  "The  'postle  Paul  wasn't  a  mother,  Josiah, 
.  9 


206  THE  DONATION  PARTY. 

not  that  I  have  anything  against  him,"  says  I  more 
mildly. 

The  conversation  was  intertipted  here  by  Shakes 
peare  Bobbet  comin'  after  Betsey,  they  had  company. 
Betsey  returned  with  him,  but  her  last  words  to  me 
was,  in  a  low  awful  voice, 

"  Will  you  stand  by  me  Josiah  Allen's  wife  ? "  I 
sithed,  and  told  her  in  a  kind  of  a  bland  way,  "  I 
would  see  about  it." 

The  donatin  and  fare  occured  Wednesday  night, 
and  Josiah  and  me  went  early,  Thorns  J.  and  Tirzah 
Ann  bein'  off  to  school.  And  I  carried  as  much  and 
as  good  as  anybody  there,  though  I  say  it  that 
shouldn't.  I  carried  as  good  vittles  too  as  there  was 
and  I  didn't  scrimp  in  quantity  neither. 

We  was  a  layin'  out  to  carry  'em  half  a  barrel  of 
pork,  and  I  made  a  big  jar  of  butter  and  sold  it,  and 
got  the  money  for  it,  five  dollars,  and  I  atted  Josiah 
to  sell  the  pork  and  get  the  money  for  that.  Says  I, 
"  Brother  Minkley  and  his  wife  have  both  come  to 
years  of  understanding  and  it  stands  to  reason  that 
they  both  know  what  they  want  better  than  we  do, 
and  money  will  buy  anything." 

Josiah  kinder  hung  back,  but  I  carried  the  day. 
And  so  we  carried  15  dollars  in  a  envelop,  and  told 
sister  Minkley  to  open  it  after  we  got  home.  I  didn't 
want  'em  to  thank  us  for  it — it  makes  me  feel  just  as 
mean  as  pusley.  But  some  folks  carried  the  litlest 


VERT  USEFUL  ARTICLES.  207 

things.  There  was  a  family  of  7  hearty  men  and  wo 
men,  and  all  they  carried  was  a  book  mark  out  of  per 
forated  paper,  and  a  plate  of  cookeys.  There  was  7 
book  marks,  for  I  counted  'em,  and  M  pair  of  slips  for 
the  minister's  only  boy,  who  is  home  from  school.  And 
this  same  young  man,  Whitfield  'Minkley,  had  24  neck 
ties.  Of  course  there  was  some  other  things,  a  few 
sassige  or  so,  a  little  flour,  and  some  dried  blackberrys. 

But  it  does  beat  all  what  simple  things  some  folks 
will  carry.  Shakespeare  Bobbet  carried  the  minister 
a  pair  of  spurs.  Thinks'  I  to  myself,  u  What  is  he 
goin'  to  use  'em  on,  the  saw  horse  or  the  front  gate  f ' 
For  they  have  kep'  him  doun  so  low,  that  he  is  too 
poor  to  own  any  other  steeds. 

And  Betsey  Bobbet  brought  him  a  poem  of  hers  all 
flowered  off  round  the  edges,  and  trimmed  with  pink 
ribbon.  I  haint  nothiri'  aginst  poetry,  but  with  a  big 
family  like  Brother  Minkley's,  it  did  seem  to  me  that 
there  was  other  things  that  would  be  more  nourishin' 
and  go  further. 

After  we  had  left  our  vittles  in  the  procession 
room  where  we  was  goin'  to  eat,  I  marched  into  the 
meetin'  house  room  which  was  full  of  folks,  and  Broth 
er  Minkley  came  up  to  talk  with  me.  I  felt  low  spir 
ited,  for  Betsey's  design  wore  on  me.  And  when 
Brother  Minkley  took  my  hand  in  hisen,  and  shook  it 
in  the  purest  and  most  innocent  manner,  and  said, 
"  Sister  Allen,  what  is  the  matter  ?  are  you  havin'  a 
xercise  in  your  mind  ?" 


208  A  XCERCISE  OF  THE  MIND. 

Says   I   to   him,  "  Yes,  Brother  Minkley,  I   be." 

I  turned  the  subject  quickly  then,  for  I  abhor  hip- 
pocrites,  and  1  felt  that  I  was  a  deceivin'  him.  For 
whereas  he  thought  I  was  havin'  a  religous  xcercise 
perform  in'  in  my  mind,  I  was  not ;  it  was  Betsey  Bob- 
bet's  design  that  was  a  wearin'  on  me.  So  I  waved 
off  the  subject  quickly,  though  I  knew  that  like  as  not 
he  would  think  I  was  a  backslidin'  and  was  afraid  he 
would  ketch  me  at  it.  Thinks'es  I,  better  let  him 
think  I  am  a  slidin'  back,  I  can  endure  false  importa 
tions  better  than  I  can  let  myself  out  for  a  hyppocrite. 
I  waved  off  the  subject  and  says  I, 

"  That  was  a  beautiful  sermon  of  yours  last  Sunday, 
Brother  Minkley." 

"You  mean  that  from  the  text 'He  overthrew  the 
tables  of  the  money  changers,'  and  so  forth  ;  I  am  glad 
it  pleased  you,  sister  Allen.  I  meant  to  hit  a  blow  at 
gamblin'  that  would  stagger  it,  for  gamblin'  is  a  pre- 
vailin'  to  a  alarmin'  extent."  And  then  says  he,  plant- 
in'  himself  firmly  before  me,  "  Did  you  notice,  sister 
Allen,  the  lucid  and  logical  manner  in  which  I  carried 
up  the  argument  from  the  firstly  to  the  twenty-third- 
ly?" 

I  see  then  I  was  in  for  it,  Brother  Wesley  Minkley 
haint  got  another  fault  on  earth  as  I  know  on — only 
jest  a  catchin'  his  church  members  and  preachin'  his 
sermons  over  to  'em.  But  I  have  said  100  times  that 
I  am  glad  he  has  got  that,  for  it  sets  me  more  at  rest 


SERMONS  PREACHED  OVER.  209 

about  him  on  windy  days.  Not  that  I  really  s'pose  he 
will  ascend,  but  if  he  hadn't  got  that  fault  I  should  be 
almost  tempted  to  examine  his  shoulder  blades  occa 
sionally,  (on  the  outside  of  his  coat,)  to  see  if  his  wings 
\vas  a  spoutin',  he  is  so  fine  and  honest  and  unsuspi- 
ceious. 

When  his  sermons  are  so  long  that  they  get  up  into 
the  twentiethlies,  and  thirtiethlies,  as  they  jinerally 
do,  I  can't  say  but  what  it  is  a  little  wearin'  on  you,  to 
stand  stun  still  whenever  he  happens  to  catch  you,  in 
the  store,  or  street,  or  doorstep,  and  have  him  preach 
'em  all  over  to  you  alone.  You  feel  kinder  curious, 
and  then  sometimes  your  feet  will  get  to  sleep.  But 
on  the  present  occasion  I  rejoiced,  for  it  freed  me  for 
the  time  bein'  from  Betsey's  design.  He  laid  holt  of 
that  sermon,  and  carried  it  all  up  before  me  through 
the  firstly s  and  the  tenthlys,  just  as  neat  and  regular 
as  you  could  hist  a  barel  up  the  chamber  stairs,  and 
had  just  landed  it  before  the  ninteenthly  which  was, 
••  That  all  church  members  had  ort  to  get  together, 
and  rastle  with  the  awful  vice  of  gamblin'  and  throw 
it,  and  tread  onto  it,"  when  Betsey  Bobbet  appear 
ed  before  us  suddenly  with  a  big  bag  before  her  and 
says  she, 

"  Here  is  the  grab  bag,  you  must  grab." 
I  never  heard  of  the  thing  before,  and  it  come  so 
kind   of    sudden   on   me  that  I  hung  back  at  llrst. 
But  there  wus  a  whole  lot  of  folks  lookin'   on,  and  J 


210 


ELDER  MINKLEY  GAMBLES. 


didn't  want  to  act  odd,  so  I  laid  holt  of  it,  and  grab 
bed  it  with  both  hands  as  tight  as  I  could  towards  the 
bottom.  Betsey  said  that  wasn't  the  way,  and  then 
her  design  so  goaded  her,  that  she  bent  forward  and 
whispered  in  my  ear, 

"  The  Editah  of  the  Augah  got  home  to-nignt,  he 
is  expected  here  in  half  an  hour,  I  expect  you  to  stand 
by  me  Josiah  Allen's  wife." 

I  sithed  heavy,  and  while  I  was  a  sithin'  Betsey 
asked  Elder  Minkley  to  grab,  and  he,  thinkin'  no  hurt, 
bein'  so  pure  minded  and  unsuspicious,  and  of  such  a 
friendly  turn,  he  threw  both  arms  around  the  bag 
grabbed  it,  and  held  it  tight.  And  then  Betsey 


THE    ENEMY    ATTACKTED. 


explained  it  to  us — you  had  to  pay  25  cents  and  then 
you  run  your  hand  into  the  bag,  and  had  jest  what 
you  happened  to  grab  first. 

Then  at  that  minute  I  see  the  power  of  pure  and  cast 
iron  principle  as  I   never  seen  it  before.     Betsey 


THE  ELDER  THROWS  THE  TEMPTER.  211 

Bobbet  and  all  other  sorrows  and  sufferin'  was  for  the 
minute  forgot,  and  I  was  glad  I  had  been  born.  With 
the  look  of  a  war  horse  when  his  mane  tosses  and 
he  snorts,  a  smellin'  of  the  battle-field,  Elder  Wesley 
Minkley  ketched  the  bag  out  of  Betsey's  tremblin' 
hand,  threw  it  down  onto  the  floor,  and  sot  down  on 
it.  He  looked  peaceful  then,  he  knew  he  had  throwed 
the  tempter,  and  got  on  to  it,  holdin'  of  it  down. 
In  the  most  tryin'  and  excitnr  scenes  of  life,  the  good 
of  the  human  race  is  my  theme  of  mind,  I  am  so 
wrapped  up  in  it,  and  then,  even  in  this  glorious  scene, 
I  said  to  myself,  "  Ah  would  that  Adam  had  served 
them  apples  in  the  same  way." 

Brother  Minkley  took  out  his  red  silk  handkerchief 
and  wiped  his  heroic,  but  sweaty  face,  for  it  was  warm 
in  the  rneetin'  house,  and  he  bein'  a  large  portly  man, 
principle  had  heat  him  up.  And  then  such  a  sermon 
as  he  preached  to  Betsey  Bobbet,  it  did  my  very  soul 
good  to  hear,  says  he,  "  It  is  gambling  and  gamblin' 
of  the  very  worst  kind  to,  for  it  is  gamblin'  in  the 
name  of  God." 

"  Oh "  says  Betsey,  "  deah  and  respected  sir,  the 
money  is  for  you,  and  it  is  not  gamblin',  for  there  is 
not  any  wicked  papeh  cards  connected  with  it  at  all, 
it  is  only  a  sort  of  pious  raining  in  harmless  pincush 
ions  and  innocent  rag  children." 

Then  did  I  see  pure  principle  mountin'  up  higher 
and  higher,  his  honest  fat  face  grew  fire  red  with  it, 


212  A  NEW  ATTACK  OF  THE  ENEMY. 

and  says  he,  "  No  raffled  pincushions  shall  ever  enrich 
me,  I  scorn  lucre  that  is  obtained  in  that  way.  Not 
one  cent  of  money  Betsey  Bobbet  will  I  ever  take, 
that  is  realized  from  the  sale  of  these  ragged  children. 
Not  a  ragged  child  shall  be  gambled  for,  for  me,  not  a 
child." 

We  was  right  under  the  gallery,  and  at  this  minute 
a  fish  hook  was  let  down  not  but  a  little  ways  from 
us,  and  Shakespeare  Bobbet  who  stood  by  a  basket 
full  of  things,  hitched  on  a  long  huzzy  all  made  of 
different  kiuds  of  calico,  and  it  went  up  a  danglin' 
over  our  heads.  As  he  ketched  sight  of  it,  Brother 
Wesley  Minkley  started  up  and  says  he,  to  Betsey  in 
tones  that  would  be  replied  to, 

"  What  does  that  mean  ? " 

Says  Betsey  in  almost  tremblin'  tones,  "  They  pay 
ten  cents  for  fishin'  once." 

Then  says  he  in  tones  that  sounded  some  like 
distant  thunder, 

"  Do  they  know  what  they  are  goin'  to  get  for  thier 
money  ?" 

"  No  sir,"  says  she,  and  she  quailed  to  that  extent 
that  I  almost  pitied  her. 

"  More  gamblin  !"  he  cried  in  fearful  tones.  And 
then  he  sprung  for  the  huzzy,  and  shouted  up  the  gal 
lery  to  Shakespeare  Bobbet,  "  I  forbid  you  to  draw  up 
this  huzzy  another  step.  I  forbid  this  huzzy  to  be 
drawed  up  an  inch  further."  He  hung  on  to  the 


THE  GRAB-BAGS  AND  HUZZIES  OVERCOME.         213 

huzzy  with  both  hands,  and  says  he — with  the  fire  of 
his  old  foregrandfather  in  his  eye  (who  was  an  orderly 


THE    KLDKR    OX    THE    ALERT. 


sargant  in  the  Revolution)  "  I'll  see  if  there  is  goin' 
to  be  huzzies  gambled  for  in  this  way.  I'll  see  if 
there  is  goin'  to  be  such  shameless  doin's  in  my 
church !" 

For  the  next  half  hour  confusion  rained.  But  pure 
principle  conquered.  In  the  language  of  scripture 
slightly  altered  to  suit  the  occasion,  "  He  overthrew 
the  grab  bags,  and  drove  out  the  huzzies  and  fish 
hooks."  When  peace  rained  agin,  I  grasped  holt  of 
his  hand,  and  says  I  almost  warmly, 

"  You  have  done  a  good  job  brother,  some  folks  may 

call  it  pious  gamblin'   but  I  never  believed  in  it." 
9* 


MATCH  MAKING. 

Whitfield  Minkley  come  up  at  that  very  minute,  and 
says  he,"  That  is  jest  as  I  think,"  says  he,  in  the  Ian* 
guage  of  Shakespeare,  "  c  It  is  stealin'  the  livery  horses 
of  heaven,  to  carry  the  devil  out  a  ridin'  "  or  mebby  I 
hain't  got  the  very  words,  but  it  was  somethin'  to  that 
effect. 

Says  I,"  I  never  knew  that  Shakespeare  Bobbet  ever 
turned  his  mind  that  way,"  and  then  says  I  in  a  cor 
dial  way,  "  I  am  real  glad  you  have  got  home  Whit- 
field,  I  guess  I  am  about  as  glad  to  see  you  as  any 
body,  unless  it  is  your  ma,  and  one  or  two  others." 

He  thanked  me  and  said  it  seemed  good  to  get  home 
agin,  and  then  says  he,  "  I  suppose  Tirzah  Ann  is 
well."  His  face  as  he  said  this  was  as  red  as  his  neck 
tie.  But  I  didn't  seem  to  notice  it.  I  talked  with 
him  quite  a  spell  about  her,  and  told  him  both  the 
children  would  be  to  home  Saturday,  and  he  must 
come  up  then,  for  Thomas  Jefferson  would  be  awful 
disappointed  not  to  see  him. 

He  looked  awful  tickled  when  I  asked  him  to  oome, 
and  he  said  he  should  certainly  come,  for  he  never 
wanted  to  see  Thomas  Jefferson  so  bad,  in  his  life. 

I  don't  make  no  matches,  nor  break  none.  But  I 
hain't  a  goin'  to  deny,  that  sister  Minkley  and  I  have 
talked  it  over,  and  if  things  go  on,  as  they  seem  to  be 
a  goin'  between  her  "Whitfield  and  our  Tirzah  Ann, 
there  won't  be  no  straws  laid  in  their  way,  not  a 
straw. 

"Whitfield  was  called  off  by  one  of  his  sisters,  and 


THE  EDITEH  ARRIVES  215 

Brother  Wesley  Minkley  standin'  in  front  of  me 
begun, 

"  Sister  Allen,  I  am  very  much  like  you,  I  believe 
in  aetin'  up  to  our  professions,  and  as  I  was  about  to 
remark  in  my  twentiethly,"  then  that  good,  pure 
minded  man  begun  agin  jest  where  he  left  off.  He 
had  jest  lifted  up  his  left  hand,  and  was  pintin'  it  off 
with  his  right  fore  finger,  and  I  was  jest  thinkin'  that 
most  likely  I  had  got  my  night's  job  in  front  of  me, 
when  unxpected  the  Editer  of  the  Augur  come  to 
speak  to  me,  and  Brother  Wesley  Minkley  bein'  a  true 
gentleman,  stopped  preachin'  to  once,  and  went  to 
talkin'  to  Josiah. 

I  looked  sadly  into  the  face  of  the  Editer  of  the 
Augur,  and  sithed,  for  I  knew  that  Betsey  would  soon 
begin  to  encourage  him,  and  I  pitied  him. 

He  said  "How  de  do?"  to  me,  and  I  said  in  a  ab 
sent  minded  way  that  "I  was ;  and  I  hoped  it  was  so 
with  him."  And  then  I  sithed  agin.  And  my  two 
gray  eyes  looked  sadly  into  his' en  (which  was  butnut 
colored)  for  a  spell,  and  then  roamed  off  across  the 
room  onto  Betsey.  I  seen  her  a  fixin'  on  her  water 
fall  more  securely,  and  a  shakin'  out  her  greek  bender, 
and  tightnin'  her  horse  hair  bracelets,  and  her  lips 
moved  as  if  she  was  beginnin'  to  prey.  And  I  knew 
he  had  got  to  be  encouraged,  and  I  felt  for  him. 

The  Editer  of  the  Auger  followed  my  mournful 
gaze,  and  I  was  surprised  to  see  the  change  in  his  but- 


216          THE  EDITEH  CONGEATULATE8  HIMSELF. 

nut  eye  as  it  met  hers,  from  what  it  had  been  in  more 
former  times  preceedin'.  For  whereas  he  had  always 
looked  at  her  witli  fear  and  almost  agonizin'  aprehen- 
sion,  as  if  he  realized  his  danger,  now  he  looked  full 
in  her  face,  as  she  smiled  across  the  room  at  him,  with 
a  proud  haughty  and  triumphant  mene  on  him  I  could 
not  understand.  He  gazed  at  her  silently  for  I  should 
think  pretty  near  a  half  a  minute  and  then  he  turned 
to  me  with  a  sweet,  contented  smile  curvin'  his  mous 
tache — which  had  been  colored  a  new  bright  black, — 
and  says  he  to  me  with  a  peaceful  and  serene  look  on 
to  Betsey, 

"  How  sweet  it  is  Josiah  Allen's  wife  for  a  noble  but 
storm  tosted  bark  to  anchor  in  a  beautiful  calm.  How 
sweet  it  is,  when  you  see  the  ravenin'  tempest  a  smil- 
in'  at  you,  I  mean  a  lowerin'  at  you,  in  the  distance, 
to  feel  that  it  can't  harm  you — that  you  are  beyond  its 
reach.  To  see  it  in  its  former  dread  power  a  drawin' 
near —  '  (Betsey  had  started  to  come  towards  us.) 
"  and  feel  that  you  are  safe  from  it.  Josiah  Allen's 
wife  I  feel  safe  and  happy  to  night." 

Betsey  was  stopped  for  the  minute  by  Deacon  Gow- 
dey,  but  I  knew  it  was  only  a  momentary  respite,  and 
knowin'  her  design,  how  could  I  answer  ?  I  could 
only  look  gloomy  into  his  face,  and  think  sadly,  Ah ! 
how  little  we  know  when  trials  and  dangers  are  ahead 
of  us,  how  little  we  know  when  we  are  goin'  to  be 
encouraged. 


MARRIED  AND  SAVED.  217 

But  he  continued  on  in  the  same  sweet  happy  tri- 
urnphin'  tones, 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  I  believe  you  are  my  friend." 

"  Yes  !  and  your  well  wisher,"  and  says  I  almost 
wildly,"  whatever  comes,  whatever  may  happen  to  you, 
remember  that  I  wished  you  well,  and  I  pitied  you." 

"  Instead  of  pityin'  me,  wish  me  joy,"  and  he  held 
out  his  right  hand  towards  me. 

I  haint  no  hypocrite,  and  knowin'  what  I  knew, 
how  could  I  be  so  deceitful  ?  I  hung  back  and  grip 
ped  holt  of  a  breadth  of  my  dress  with  my  right  hand. 

Says  he,  "  I  am  married,  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  I  was 
married  a  week  ago  to-night." 

I  grasped  holt  of  his  right  hand  which  he  still  held 
out,  with  my  right  hand,  and  says  I, "  you  take  a  load 
oife'n  my  mind.  Who  too?" 

Says  he,  "  the  prettiest  girl  in  Log  London  where 
father  lives." 

My  emotions  paralyzed  me  for  nearly  a  quarter  of  a 
minute,  and  then  says  I, 

"  Where  is  she  ?" 

"To  her  folks'es,"  says  he,  "But  she  will  be  here 
next  week." 

Betsey  drew  near.  He  looked  calmly  and  fearlessly 
at  her,  but  he  murmured  gently,  "  The  twins  will  be 
a  wakin'  up ;  I  must  be  a  goin',"  and  he  gently 
retreated. 

The  first  words  Betsey  said  to  me  was,"  Ketch  hold 
of  me  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  ketch  hold  of  me,  I  am  on 


218    BETSEY'S  DISSAPOINTMENT  AND  WILD  AGONY. 

the  very  point  of  swooning." 

Then  I  knew  what  Deacon  Gowdey  had  been  a  tel- 
lin'  her.  She  looked  like  a  blue  ghost,  trimmed  off 
with  otter  color,  for  she  had  on  a  blue  parmetta  dress 
all  trimmed  with  annato  colored  trimmin's.  She  mur 
mured  in  almost  incoherent  words,  somethin'  about  "her 
dearest  gazelle  bein'  a  dyin',  and  her  wantin'  to  be 
took  off  to  her  buryin'  ground."  JBut  I  knew  it  was 
no  time  for  me  to  show  my  pity;  true  friendship 
demanded  firmness  and  even  sternness,  and  when  she 
asked  me  wildly  agin  to  "ketch  hold  of  her,"  I  says 
to  her  coldly, 

"Ketch  holt  of  yourself,  Betsey  Bobbet." 

"  My  lost,  my  dearest  gazelle  is  a  dyin' !  my  hopes 
are  witherin' !  "  says  she,  shettin'  up  her  eyes  and 
kinder  staggerin'  up  against  the  wall. 

Says  I  in  tones  as  cold  as  old  Zero,  or  pretty  nigh  as 
cold  as  that  old  man, 

"  Let  'em  wither." 

But  I  see  I  must  come  out  still  more  plainer,  or  she 
would  make  a  public  circus  of  herself,  and  says  I 
pushin'  her  into  a  corner,  and  standin'  up  in  front  of 
her,  so  as  to  shet  off  the  audience  from  her  face,  for 
she  was  a  cryin',  and  she  did  indeed  look  ghostly  7 

"  Betsey  Bobbet  the  gazelle  is  married,  and  their 
hain't  no  use  in  your  follerin'  on  that  trail  no  longer. 
Now,"  says  I,  "  take  your  bunnet  and  go  home, 
and  collect  yourself  together.  And"  says  I,  gener 
ously  "  I  will  go  with  you  as  far  as  the  door." 


SHE  SEEKS  RELIEF  IN  POETRY.        219 

So  I  got  her  started  off,  as  quick,  and  as  quiet  as  I 
could,  and  I  guess  there  wasn't  mor'n  seven  men  and 
14  wimmen  that  asked  me  as  I  came  back  in, 

""  If  it  was  the  Editer  of  the  Augur,  that  Betsey 
was  a  cryin'  about,  and  if  I  ever  see  such  a  idiot  in 
my  life?" 

I  answered  'em  in  a  kind  of  blind  way,  and  it 
broke  up  pretty  soon. 

When  Josiah  and  me  went  home,  as  we  passed  Mr. 
Bobbet'ses,  I  looked  up  into  Betsey's  winder  which 
fronted  the  road,  and  I  see  Betsey  set  by  her  table  a 


BETSEY   SEEKS    RELIEF. 

writin'.  Her  lips  were  firmly  closed  and  she  was  a 
cryin',  her  cheeks  looked  holler  and  I  knew  that  her 
teeth  was  out,  so  I  felt  that  she  was  writin'  poetry. 
I  was  right,  for  in  the  next  weeks  Gimlet  these  verses 


220  BETSEY  DESIRES  TO  BE  A  GHOST. 

came  out.     These  lines  was  wrote  on  to  the  top  of 
'em : 

"  We  do  not  wish  to  encourage  the  feeling  of  revenge 
in  our  fair  contributor's  fair  breast,  but  this  we  will 
say,  that  on  some  occasions,  revenge  is  a  noble  feeling 
and  almost  leans  over  against  virtue's  side.  And 
though  we  do  not  wish  to  be  personal — no  one  could 
scorn  it  more  than  we  do — but  we  say,  and  we  say  it 

with  the  kindest  feelings  towards  him,  that  the  E 

of  the  A is  a  mllicm."       Editor  of  the  Gimlet. 

A  Desiah. 
BY   BETSEY   BOBBET. 

Methinks  I  soon  shall  pass  away, 
I  have  seen  my  last  gazelle  expiah ; 
Deah  friends  I  do  not  wish  to  stay ; 
To  be  a  ghost  is  my  desiah. 
Revenge  is  sweet  as  honey  a  most — 
Methinks  'twere  sweet  to  be  a  ghost. 

% 

I  would  not  be  a  seraphim, 

For  far  a  sweeter  sight  would  be 

On  bedpost  sitting,  twitting  him, 

Of  his  deceit  and  perfide ; 

I'd  rathah  be  a  dreadful  ghost, 

A  sitting  on  a  certain  post. 

I  can  give  up  my  heavenly  claim, 
My  seat  upon  the  heavenly  quiah ; 
I  feel  anotheh,  wildeh  aim — 
To  be  a  ghost  is  my  desiah. 
Ah,  yes  !  I'd  ratheh  be  a  ghost, 
And  sit  upon  a  certain  post. 

Methinks  he'd  coveh  up  his  head 

And  groan  and  rithe,  and  maybe  swear, 

And  sithe,  "  I  wish  she  wasn't  dead ;  " 


FEARFUL  RETRIBUTION  THREATENED.  221 

But  still  I'll  keep  a  sittin'  theah. 
As  long  as  I  remain  a  ghost, 
I'll  hang  around  a  certain  post. 

Anotheh  certain  person  may, 
With  terror  wish  she  hadn't  had 
The  wretch  who  made  me  pass  away ; 
Maybe  she'U  wish  I  wasn't  dead. 
In  vain !  for  still  my  dreadful  ghost, 
Shall  glare  on  her  from  a  certain  post. 

To  think  how  I  my  brain  have  racked 
On  lays  for  him.     My  stomach  cramp ; 
My  bended  form  ;  my  broken  back ; 
My  blasted  hopes  ;  my  wasted  lamp. 
Oh,  then  I  long  to  be  a  ghost, 
To  hang  aronnd  a  certain  post. 

My  soul  it  pants,  my  crazed  brain  spins, 
To  think  how  gushed  my  fond  heart's  flovr, 
My  sympathy  for  certain  twins, 
And  then  to  think  he  used  me  so. 
But  soon  !   ah  soon  I'll  be  a  ghost, 
A  haunting  round  a  certain  post. 


WIMMEN'S   SPEAH. 


One  bright,  beautiful  day,  I  had  got  mj  mornin's 
work  all  done  up,  and  had  sot  doun  to  double  some 
carpet  yarn,  and  Josiah  sot  behind  the  stove,  blackin' 
his  boots,  when  Betsey  come  in .  for  a  mornin's  call. 
She  hadn't  sot  but  a  few  minutes  when  says  she, 

"  I  saw  you  was  not  doun  to  the  lecture  night  before 
last,  Josiah  Allen's  wife.  I  was  sorry  that  I  attended 
to  it,  but  my  uncle's  people  wrhere  I  was  visitin'  went, 
and  so  I  went  with  them.  But  I  did  not  like  it,  I  do 
not  believe  in  wimmin's  havin'  any  rights.  I  think  it 
is  real  bold  and  unwomanly  in  her  to  want  any  rights. 
I  think  it  is  not  her  speah,  as  I  remarked  last  night 
to  our  deah  New  Preacher.  As  we  was  a  coming  out, 
afteh  the  lecture,  the  fringe  of  my  shawl  ketched  on 
to  one  of  the  buttons  of  his  vest,  and  he  could  not  get 
it  off— and  I  did  not  try  to,  I  thought  it  was  not  my 
place — so  we  was  obleeged  to  walk  close  togatheh, 

cleah  through  the  hall,  and  as  I  said  to  him,  afteh  I 

222 


TOO  FRAGUILE  TO  VOTE.  223 

had  enquired  if  he  did  not  find  it  very  lonesome  here, 
says  I,  i  It  is  not  wimmin's  speah  to  vote,'  and  says  I, 
'  do  you  not  think  it  is  woman's  nature  naturally  to  be 
clingin'  ?'  '  I  doj  says  he,  '  Heaven  knows  I  do?  And 
he  leaned  back  with  such  a  expression  of  stern  despaih 
on  to  his  classic  features,  that  I  knew  he  felt  it  strong 
ly.  And  I  said  the  truth.  I  do  not  believe  wimmin 
ought  to  vote." 

"Nor  I  nuther,"  says  Josiah,  "she  haint  got  the 
rekrieite  strength  to  vote,  she  is  too  fraguile." 

Jest  at  this  minute  the  boy  that  draws  the  milk  came 
along,  and  Josiah,  says  he  to  me,  "  I  am  in  my  stockin' 
feet,  Samantha,  can't  you  jest  step  out  and  help  Thom 
as  Jefferson  on  with  the  can  ?" 

Says  I,  "  If  I  am  too  fraguile  to  handle  a  paper  vote, 
Josiah  Allen,  I  am  too  fraguile  to  lift  100  and  50 
pounds  of  milk." 

He  didn't  say  nothin',  but  he  slipped  on  his  rubbers 
and  started  out,  and  Betsey  resumed,  "  It  is  so  re  volt - 
in'  to  female  delicacy  to  go  to  the  poles  and  vote ; 
most  all  of  the  female  ladies  that  revolve  around  in 
the  high  circles  of  Jonesville  aristocracy  agree  with 
me  in  thinkin'  it  is  real  revdtin'  to  female  delicacy  to 
vote." 

"  Female  delicacy  !"  says  I,  in  a  austeer  tone.  "  IB 
female  delicacy  a  plant  that  withers  in  the  shadder  of 
the  pole,  but  nourishes  in  every  other  condition  only 
in  the  shadder  of  the  pole  ?"  says  I  in  a  tone  of  with- 


224 


SENSITIVE  AND  DELICATE  WIMMEN. 


erin'  scorn.  "  Female  delicacy  flourishes  in  a  ball 
room,  where  these  sensitive  creeters  with  dresses  on 
indecently  low  in  the  neck,  will  waltz  all  night  with 


FEMALE    DELICACY. 


strange  men's  arms  round  their  waists,"  says  I.  "  You 
have  as  good  as  throwed  it  in  my  face,  Betsey  Bobbet, 
that  I  haint  a  modest  woman,  or  I  would  be  afraid  to 
go  and  vote ;  but  you  ketch  me  with  a  low  neck  dress 
on,  Betsey  Bobbet,  and  you  will  ketch  me  on  my  way 
to  the  Asylum,  and  there  haint  a  old  deacon,  or  minis 
ter,  or  presidin'  Elder  in  the  Methodist  church,  that 
could  get  me  to  waltz  with  'em,  let  alone  waltzin'  with 
promiscuus  sinners.  And,"  says  I  in  the  deep,  calm 
tone  of  settled  principle,  "  if  you  don't  believe  it,  bring 


WIMMEN  AS  A  BOARD.  225 

on  your  old  deacons  and  ministers,  and  presidin'  Elders, 
and  try  me." 

"  You  are  gettin'  excited,  Samantha,"  says  Josiah. 

"  You  jest  keep  blackin'  your  boots,  Josiah  Allen, 
I  haint  a  talkin'  to  you.  Betsey,  is  .it  any  worse  for  a 
female  woman  to  dress  herself  in  a  modest  and  Chris 
tian  manner,  with  a  braige  viel  over  her  face,  and  a 
brass  mounted  parasol  in  her  hand,  and  walk  decently 
to  the  pole  and  lay  her  vote  on  it,  than  to  be  introduced 
to  a  man,  who  for  all  you  know  may  be  a  retired  pi 
rate,  and  have  him  walk  up  and  hug  you  by  the  hour, 
to  the  music  of  a  fiddle  and  a  base  violin  ?" 

"  But  if  you  vote  you  have  got  to  go  before  a  board 
of  men,  and  how  tryin'  to  delicacy  that  would  be." 

"  I  went  before  a  board  of  men  when  I  joined  the 
meetin'  house,  and  when  I  got  the  premium  for  my 
rag  carpet,  and  I  still  live  and  call  my  self  a  respectable 
character,  but,"  says  I  in  a  vain  of  unconcealed  sarcasm 
"  if  these  delicate  ball  characters  are  too  modest  to  go 
in  broad  daylight  armed  with  a  umbrell  before  a  ven 
erable  man  settin'  on  a  board,  let  'em  have  a  good  old 
female  board  to  take  thier  votes." 

"  Would  it  be  lawful  to  have  a  female  board  ?"  Bays 
Betsey. 

"  Wimmeii  can  be  boards  at  charity  schools — poor 
little  paupers,  pretty  hard  boards  they  find  'em  some 
times — and  they  can  be  boards  at  fairs,  and  hospitals, 
and  penitentarys,  and  picnics,  and  African  missions, 


226 


TATTIN'  AND  PAINTIN'. 


and  would  it  be  any  worse  to  be  a  board  before  these 
delicate  wiimiieii,"  says  I,  almost  carried  away  with 
enthusiasm,  "  I  would  be  a  board  myself." 

"  Yes  you  would  make  a  pretty  board,"  says  Josiah, 

u  you  would  make  quite  a  pile  of  lumber."     I  paid  no 

attention  to  his  sarkastic  remark,  and  Betsey  went  on. 

"  It  would  be  such  public  business  Josiah  Allen's 

wife  for  a  woman  to  recieve  votes." 

"  I  dont  know  as  it  would  be  any  more  public  bus 
iness,  than  to  sell  Episcopal  pin  cushiens,  Methodist 
I  scream,  or  Baptist  water  melons,  by  the  hour  to  a 

permiscuus  crowd." 

But  says  Betsey, 'twould 
devouh  too  much  of  a  fe 
male's  time,  she  would 
not  have  time  to  vote, 
and  perform  the  other 
duties  that  are  incum- 
bient  upon  her." 

Says  I, "  Wimmen  find 
time   for    thier    everlas- 
iv  tin'  tattin'  and  croshain'. 
They  find  plenty  of  time 
for  thier  mats,  and  their 
NO  TIME  TO  VOTS.  1 1  d  y  s,  their   flirtations, 

thier  feather  flowers,  and  bead  flowers,  and  hair  flow 
ers,  and  burr  flowers,  and  oriental  painting,  and  Gre 
cian  paintins,  and  face  paintins.  They  spend  more 
time  a  frizzin'  thier  front  hair  than  they  would,  to 


DRESSIN'  AND  FLIRTIN'.  227 

learn  the  whole  constitution  by  heart ;  and  if  they  get 
a  new  dress  they  find  plenty  of  time  to  cut  it  all  up 
into  strips,  jest  to  pucker  it  up  and  set  it  on  agin. 
They  can  dress  up  in  thier  best  and  patrol  the  streets 
as  regular  as  a  watchman,  and  lean  over  the  counter 
in  dry  good  stores  till  they  know  every  nail  in  'em  by 
heart.  They  find  plenty  of  time  for  all  this,  and  to 
go  to  all  the  parties  they  can  hear  of,  and  theatres  and 
conserts,  and  shows  of  all  kinds,  and  to  flirt  with  ev- 


DREADFUL    SHORT   OF  TIMK. 

ery  man  they  can  lay  holt  of,  and  to  cover  their  faces 
with  their  fans  and  giggle ;  but  when  it  comes  to  an 


228 


READIN'  UP  THE  LAWS. 


act  as  simple  and  short  as  puttin'  a  letter  into  the  post 
office,  they  are  dreadful  short  on  it  for  time." 

But  says  Betsey,  "  The  study  that  would  be  inevita 
ble  on  a  female  in  ordeh  to  make  her  vote  intelligably, 
would  it  not  be  too  wearing  on  her?" 

No  I  not  a  single  bit ;  s'posin  these  soft,  fashionable 
wimmen  should  read  a  little  about  the  nation  she  lives 
in,  and  the  laws  that  protects  her  if  she  keeps  'em,  and 
hangs  and  imprisons  her  if  she  breaks  'em  ?  I  don't 


NO   TIMK    TO    STUDY    LAWS. 


'enow  but  it  would  be  as  good  for  her,- as  to  pore  over 
novels  all  day  long,"  says  I ;  "these  very  wimmen  that 


HOW  TO  HAVE  THE  BIBLE  READ.  229 

think  the  President's  bureau  is  a  chest  of  draws  where 
he  keeps  his  fine  shirts,  and  the  tariff  is  a  wild  horse 
the  senators  keep  to  ride  out  on, — these  very  wimmen 
that  can't  find  time  to  read  the  constitution,  let  'em 
get  on  to  the  track  of  a  love-sick  hero  and  a  swoonin' 
heroine,  and  they  will  wade  through  half  a  dozen  vol 
umes,  but  what  they  will  foller  'em  clear  to  Finis  to 
see  'em  married  there,"  says  I,  warmin'  with  my  sub 
ject,  "  Let  there  be  a  young  woman  hid  in  a  certain 
hole,  guarded  by  100  and  10  pirates,  and  a  young 
man  tryin'  to  get  to  her,  though  at  present  layin' 
heavily  chained  in  a  underground  dungeon  with  his 
rival  settin'  on  his  back,  what  does  a  woman  care 
for  time  or  treasure,  till  she  sees  the  pirates  all  killed 
off  with  one  double  revolver,  and  the  young  woman 
lifted  out  swoonin'  but  happy,  by  the  brave  hero  ? " 
Says  I,  in  a  deep  camp  meetin'  voice,  "  If  there  had 
been  a  woman  hid  on  the  Island  of  Patmos,  and  Paul's 
letters  to  the  churches  had  been  love  letters  to  her, 
there  wouldn't  be  such  a  thick  coat  of  dust  on  bibles 
as  there  is  now." 

uBut  if  wimmen  don't  read  about  the  laws  they'll 
know  as  much  as  some  other  folks  do.  1  have 
seen  men  voters,"  says  I,  and  I  cast  a  stern  glance 
onto  Josiah  as  I  spoke,  "  whose  study  into  na 
tional  affairs  didn't  wear  on  'em  enough  to  kill  'em  at 
all.  I  have  seen  voters,"  says  I  with  another  cuttin' 
look  at  him,  "  that  didn't  know  as  much  as  their  wives 
10 


230  WIMMEN'S  SMALL  TALK. 

did."  Josiah  quailed  a  very  little  as  I  said  this,  and  I 
continued  on — "  I  have  seen  Irish  voters,  whose  intel 
lects  wasn't  tiresome  to  carry  round,  and  whose  knowl 
edge  concernin'  public  affairs  wasn't  so  good  as  it 
was  about  rum,  and  who  would  sell  their  votes  for  a 
drink  of  whiskey,  and  keep  it  up  all  day,  votin'  and 
drinkin'  and  then  drinkin'  and  votin',  and  I  guess 
wimmen  won't  do  any  worse." 

Betsey  almost  quailed  before  my  lofty  glance  and 
voice,  but  continued  on  cleavin'  to  the  subject — 
"  How  awful  and  revolting  it  would  sound  to  hear 
the  faih  and  softeh  sex  talking  about  tariifs  and  caur- 
kusses." 

"  I  don't  know,"  says  I,  "  but  I  had  as  lives  hear 
'em  talk  about  caurkusses,  as  to  hear  'em  backbitin' 
thier  neighbors  and  tearin'  the  charicters  of  other  wim 
men  into  bits,  or  talkin'  about  such  little  things  as 
wimmen  will ;  why  in  a  small  place,  a  woman  can't 
buy  a  calico  apron  without  the  neighborhood  holdin'  a 
inquest  over  it.  Some  think  she  ort  to  have  it,  some 
think  it  is  extravagant  in  her,  and  some  think  the  set 
flower  on  it  is  too  young  for  her,  and  then  they  will 
all  quarrel  agin  whether  she  ort  to  make  it  with  a  bib 
or  not."  Says  I  "  the  very  reason  why  men's  talk  as 
a  general  thing  is  nobler  than  wimmen's,  is  because 
they  have  nobler  things  to  think  about."  Says  I  "Bet 
sey  Bobbet,  when  did  you  ever  know  a  passel  of  men 
to  set  down  and  spend  a  whole  afternoon  talkin'  about 


PRINCIPALS  AND  ITCHIN'  EARS.  231 

each  other's  vest,  and  mistrustin'  such  a  feller  painted ; 
fill  a  woman's  mind  with  big,  noble  sized  thoughts, 
and  she  won't  talk  such  little  back  bitin'  gossip  as  she 
does  now." 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,"  says  Betsey,  "  I  shall  always 
say  it  is  not  woman's  speah  to  vote." 

"  No,"  says  Josiah,u  it  hain't ;  wimmen  would  vote 
for  the  handsomest  men,  and  the  men  that  praised  thier 
babys,  they  wouldn't  stand  up  onto  principal  as  men 
do,  and  then,  how  they  would  clog  up  the  road  'lection 
day,  tryin'  to  get  all  the  news  they  could,  wimmen 
have  got  such  itchin'  ears." 

"  Itchin'  ears  !"  says  I,  "  principle !"  says  I,  in  low 
but  awful  deep  tones  of  voice,"  Josiah  Allen,  it  seems 
to  me,  that  I  wouldn't  try  to  stand  up  onto  principle 
agin,  till  the  pantaloons  are  wore  out  you  hired  a  man 
with  to  vote  your  ticket."  He  begun  to  look  sheepish 
at  once,  and  I  continued  in  still  more  awful  accents, 
"  talk  about  itchin'  ears,  Josiah  Allen !  here  you  have 
sot  all  the  mornin'  blackin'  your  boots,  you  have  rub 
bed  them  boots  till  you  have  most  rubbed  holes 
through  'em,  jest  for  an  excuse  to  set  here  and  hear 
me  and  Betsey  Bobbet  talk.  And  it  hain't  the  first 
time  nuther,  for  I  have  known  you  Josiah  Allen,  when 
I  have  had  female  visitors,  to  leave  your  work  and 
come  in  and  lay  on  that  lounge  behind  the  stove  till 
you  was  most  sweltered,  pretendin'  you  was  readin'." 

"  I  wuz  a  readin'."  says  Josiah  drawin'  on  his  boots. 

"  I  have  ketched  you  laughin'  over  a  funeral  ser. 


232  BETSEY'S  SENTIMENTS  IN  VERSE. 

m on,  and  a  President's  message,  what  is  there  highla- 
rious  in  a  funeral  sermon  Josiah  Allen?  What  is 
there  exhileratin'  in  a  President's  message  ?" 

"  Wall,"  says   he,  "  I  guess  I'll  water  the  steers." 

"  I  should  think  you  had  better,"  says  I  coolly,  and 
after  he  went  out,  Betsey  resumed, 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  I  still  say  it  is  not.  woman's 
speah  to  vote,"  and  she  continued,  "  I  have  got  a  few 
verses  in  my  pocket,  which  I  composed  that  night 
aftah  I  returned  from  the  lecture,  which  embody  into 
them  the  feelings  of  my  soul  concerning  woman's 
speah.  I  went  to  my  chamber,  and  let  down  my  back 
haih,  and  took  out  my  teeth,  I  always  feel  more  free* 
somehow,  and  poetic,  with  my  hair  down  and  my 
teeth  out,  and  there  I  wrote  these  stanzeys,  and  seeing 
it  is  you,  I  will  read  them  to  you." 

My  firm  and  cast  iron  principles  forbid  my  wishin' 
in  a  reckless  way  that  I  wasn't  myself,  and  I  was  in 
my  own  house,  and  horspitality  forbid  my  orderin'  her 
in  stern  accents,  not  to  read  a  word  of  'em,  so  I  sub 
mitted,  and  she  read  as  follows  : 

WIMMEN'S  SPEAH  ; 

Or  whisperin's  of  nature  to 
BETSEY    BOBBET. 

Last  night  as  I  meandered  out 

To  meditate  apart, 

Secluded  in  my  parasol, 

Deep  subjects  shook  my  heart. 

The  earth,  the  skies,  the  prattling  brooks, 

All  thundered  in  my  ear, 

"  It  is  matrimony  !  it  is  matrimony 

That  is  a  woman's  speah." 


EVERYTHING  IN  COUPLES.  233 

Day  with  a  red  shirred  bonnet  on, 

Had  down  for  China  started, 

Its  yellow  ribbons  fluttered  o'er 

Her  head,  as  she  departed  ; 

She  seemed  to  wink  her  eyes  on  me, 

As  she  did  dissapeah  ; 

And  say,  "  It  is  matrimony,  Betsey, 

That  is  a  woman's  speah." 

A  rustic  had  broke  down  his  team  ; 

I  mused  almost  in  teahs, 

"  How  can  a  yoke  be  borne  along 

By  half  a  pair  of  steers  ?  " 

Even  thus  in  wrath  did  nature  speak, 

"  Heah  !  Betsey  Bobbet,  heah  ! 

It  is  matrimony  !  it  is  matrimony 

That  is  a  woman's  speah." 

I  saw  a  paih  of  roses 

Like  wedded  pardners  grow ; 

Sharp  thorns  did  pave  thier  mortal  path, 

Yet  sweetly  did  they  blow ; 

They  seemed  to  blow  these  glorious  words, 

Into  my  willing  eah  ; 

"  It  is  matrimony  !  it  is  matrimony 

That  is  a  woman's  speah." 

Two  gentle  sheep  upon  the  hills  ; 

How  sweet  the  twain  did  run, 

As  I  meandered  gently  on 

And  sot  down  on  a  stun ; 

They  seemed  to  murmur  sheepishly, 

"  Oh  Betsey  Bobbet  deah, 

It  is  matrimony  !  it  is  matrimony 

That  is  a  women's  speah." 

Sweet  was  the  honeysuckles  breath 

Upon  the  ambient  aih  ; 

Sweet  was  the  tendah  coo  of  doves, 

Yet  sweeter  husbands  aih. 

All  nature's  voices  poured  these  words 

Into  my  willing  eah ; 

"  B.  Bobbet,  it  is  matrimony 

That  is  a  woman's  speah." 


234  WHAT  SHALL  WIMMEN  DO? 

"  The  above  are  my  sentiments,"  says  she,  as  she 
folded  up  the  paper. 

"  I  am  a  married  woman,"  says  I,  and  I  hain't  got 
nothin'  to  say  aginst  marryin',  especally  when  Jo- 
siah's  back  is  turned,  I  don't  believe  in  bein'  under- 
handed.  But  there  are  a  great  many  widows  and 
unmarried  wimmen  in  the  world,  what  are  they  to  do  ?" 

"  Let  them  take  heed  to  these  glorious  and  consol 
ing  words, 

"  '  It  is  matrimony,  it  is  matrimony 
That  is  a  woman's  speah.' " 

"  Shet  up  about  your  speah's,"  says  I,  gettin  wore 
out,  "  You  may  sing  it  Betsey  Bobbet,  and  ministers 
may  preach  it,  and  writers  may  orate  about  it,  that  it 
is  women's  only  speah  to  marry,  but  what  are  you 
goin'  to  do  ?  Are  you  goin'  to  compel  men  to  marry 
all  the  wimmen  off?"  says  I,  with  a  penetratin' 
look  onto  Betsey. 

"  I  have  seen  wimmen  that  was  willin'  to  marry, 
but  the  men  wasn't  forthcoming  what  are  they  to  do? 
What  are  the  wimmen  to  do  whose  faces  are  as  humbly 
as  a  plate  of  cold  greens  ?  "  Says  I,  in  stern  tones, 
"  Are  men  to  be  pursued  like  stricken  dears  by  a  mad 
mob  of  humbly  wimmen  ?  Is  a  woman  to  go  out  into 
the  street  and  collar  a  man  and  order  him  to  marry 
her?  I  am  sick  of  this  talk  about  its  bein'  a  woman's 
only  speah  to  marry.  If  it  is  a  woman's  only  speah 
to  marry,  the  Lord  will  provide  her  with  a  man,  it 


TRUE  MARRIAGE.  235 

stands  to  reason  he  will.  One  that  will  suit  her  too, 
one  that  will  come  jest  as  nateral  for  her  to  leave  all 
of  the  rest  of  the  world  and  foller,  as  for  a  sunflower 
to  foller  on  after  the  sun.  One  that  she  seems  to 
belong  to,  jest  like  North  and  South  America,  joined 
by  nature  unbeknown  to  them  ever  sense  creation. 
She'll  know  him  if  she  ever  sees  him,  for  their  two 
hearts  will  suit  each  other  jest  like  the  two  halves  of 
a  pair  of  shears.  These  are  the  marriages  that  Heaven 
signs  the  certificates  of,  and  this  marryin'  for  a  home, 
or  for  fear  of  bein'  called  a  old  maid,  is  no  more  mar 
riage  in  the  sight  of  God,  no  more  true  marriage, 
than  the  blush  of  a  fashionable  woman  that  is  bought 
for  ten  cents  an  ounce  and  carried  home  in  her  pocket, 
is  true  modesty." 

Here  was  a  pause,  durin'  which  Betsey  quailed 
some,  and  I  then  resumed  again,  in  the  same  lofty 
tones  and  I  don't  know  but  a  little  loftier,  "  There  is 
but  one  thing  that  makes  marriage  pure  and  holy  in 
the  sight  of  God." 

"  And  what  is  that  ?  "  says  Betsey  in  an  enquirin' 
tone. 

"  Love,"  says  I,  in  a  full  clear  tone,  "  Love,  such  as 
angels  feel  for  one  another,  love,  such  as  Samantha 
Smith  felt  for  Josiah  Allen,  though  why  I  loved  him,' 
Heaven  knows,  I  don't.  But  I  couldn't  help  it,  and 
I  would  have  lived  single  till  them  days  we  read  of, 
if  I  hadn't.  Though  for  what  reason  I  loved  him — "  I 


236  WHEN  DIVORCES  WILL  BE  SCARCE. 

continued  mewsin'ly,  and  almost  lost  in  deep  retro- 
spectin', — "  I  don't  know.  I  don't  believe  in  rehearsin' 
privacies  and  braggin'  about  such  things,  but  in  the 
name  of  principle  I  speak.  A  richer  man  wanted  me 
at  the  same  time,  a  man  that  knew  half  as  much 
agin,  at  least,  as  Josiah.  I  no  need  to  have  wet  the 
ends  of  my  fingers  in  dishwater  if  I  had  married  the 
other  one,  but  I  could'nt  do  it,  I  loved  Josiah,  though 
why  " — and  agin  I  plunged  down  into  deep  abstraction 
as  I  murmured  to  myself, — "  though  why  I  did,  I  don't 
know." 

"  In  them  days,"  says  I,  risin'  up  agin  out  of  my 
revery,  "  In  them  days  to  come,  when  men  and  wim- 
tnen  are  independent  of  each  other,  marriage  will  be 
what  it  ought  to  be,  for  folks  won't  marry  unless  God 
unites  their  hearts  so  close  they  can't  get  'em  apart 
nohow.  They  won't  be  tackled  together  by  any  old 
rotton  ropes  of  interest  and  accomidation,  that  are 
liable  to  break  in  to  pieces  any  minute,  and  in  them 
days,  the  hands  of  divorce  writers  won't  be  so  lame  as 
they  be  now." 

"  I  cannot  comprehend"  says  Betsey  "how  wimmen's 
votin',  will  change  the  reprehensible  ideah  of  marryin' 
for  a  home,  or  for  fear  of  being  ridiculed  about,  if  it 
will,  I  cannot  see." 

"  Cant  you  see  daylight  Betsey  Bobbet,  when  the 
sun  is  mountin'  up  into  the  clear  horizeon  ?"  Says  I 
in  a  eloquent  voice,  "  it  stands  to  reason  that  a  woman 


TREES  AND  CLINGERS. 

wont  marry  a  man  she  dont  love,  for  a  home,  if  she  is 
capable  of  makin'  one  for  herself.  Where's  the  dis^- 
grace  of  bein'  a  old  maid,  only  wimmen  are  kinder  de 
pendent  on  men,  kinder  waitin'  to  have  him  ask  her 
to  marry  him,  so  as  to  be  supported  by  him  ?  Give  a 
woman  as  many  fields  to  work  in  as  men  have,  and  as 
good  wages,  and  let  it  be  thought  jest  as  respectable 
for  'em  to  earn  thier  livin'  as  for  a  man  to,  and  that 
is  enough.  It  riles  me  to  hear  'em  talk  about  win> 
men's  wantin'  to  wear  the  breeches  ;  they  don't  want 
to ;  they  like  calico  better  than  broadcloth  for  stiddy 
wear,  they  like  muslin  better  than  kersey  mear  for 
handsome,  and  they  have  a  nateral  hankerin'  after  the 
good  opinon  and  admiration  of  the  other  sect,  but  they 
can  do  better  without  that  admiration  than  they  can 
without  vittles." 

"  Yes "  says  Betsey  "  men  do  admire  to  have  wim 
men  clingin'  to  'em,  like  a  vine  to  a  stately  tree,  and  it 
is  indeed  a  sweet  view." 

"  So  'tis,  so  'tis,"  says  I,  I  never  was  much  of  a  clin- 
ger  myself.  Still  if  females  want  to  cling,  I  haint  no 
objection.  But,"  says  I,  in  reasonable  tones,  "  as  I 
have  said  more'n  a  hundred  times,  if  men  think  that 
wimmen  are  obleeged  to  be  vines,  they  ought  to  feel 
obleeged  to  make  trees  of  themselves,  for  'em  to  run 
up  on.  But  they  wont ;  some  of  'em,  they  will  not  be 
trees,  they  seem  to  be  sot  against  it.  And  as  I  have 
said  what  if  a  vine  haint  no  tree  convenient  to  cling 


238       WIMMEN  VOTIN'  DON'T  SPOIL  THE  BAPTIST. 

to  ?  or  if  she  lias,  what  if  the  tree  she  clings  to  hap 
pens  to  fall  through  inherient  rotteness  at  the  core, 
thunder  and  lightnin'  or  etcetery  \  If  the  string  breaks 
what  is  to  become  of  the  creeper  if  it  can't  do  nothin'  but 
creep  ?  Says  I,  "  it  is  all  well  enough  for  a  rich  woman 
to  set  in  a  velvet  gown  with  her  feet  on  the  warm 
hearth  and  wonder  what  makes  the  poor  drunkard's 
wife  down  in  the  street,  shiver.  Let  her  be  out  once 
with  her  bare  feet  in  the  snow,  and  she'd  find  out.  It 
haint  the  rich,  happy,  comfortable  clingers  I  am  talk- 
in'  in  behalf  of,  but  the  poor  shiverers  outside  who 
haint  nothin'  to  cling  to," 

"  Women's  speah  " — began  Betsey. 

"Women's  speah,"  says  I  interuptin'  her  in  a 
magestic  tone  before  which  Betsey  quailed  imper- 
ceptably.  "  Women's  speah  is  where  she  can  do  the 
most  good ;  if  God  had  meant  that  wimmen  should  be 
nothin'  but  men's  shadders,  He  would  have  made 
gosts  and  fantoms  of  'em  at  once.  But  havin'  made 
'em  flesh  and  blood,  with  braens  and  souls,  I  believe 
He  meant  'em  to  be  used  to  the  best  advantage. 
And  the  talk  about  wimmen  havin'  to  fight,  and  men 
wash  dishes,  if  wimmen  vote,  is  all  shear  nonsense.  In 
the  Baptist  church  where  wimmen  vote,  I  dont  see  as 
they  act  different  from  other  wimmen,  and  I  dont 
see  as  the  Baptist  men  act  any  more  sheepish  than 
common  men."  Says  I  "  it  is  jest  as  ridiculous  to 
say  it  would  make  a  woman  act  coarse  and  rampage 


A  HEN  WILL  SCRATCH.  239 

round  to  vote,  as  to  say  that  kissin'  a  pretty  baby,  or 
lovin'  books  and  music  and  pictures,  makes  a  man  a 
lien  huzzy." 

Says  I,  carried  away  with  powerful  emotions,  "  you 
may  shet  a  lion  up  for  years,  in  a  room  full  of  cambric 
needles  and  tattin  shettles,  and  you  cant  get  him  to  do 
anything  but  roar  at  'em,  it  haint  a  lion's  nature  to  do 
fine  sewin,"  says  I.  "  And  you  may  tie  up  a  old  hen 
as  long  as  you  please,  and  you  cant  break  her  of 
wan  tin'  to  make  a  nest,  and  scratch  for  her  chickens." 
Says  I — wavin'  my  right  hand,  slow  and  magestically — 
"  you  may  want  a  green  shade  onto  the  front  side  of 
your  house,  and  to  that  end  and  effect  you  may  plant 
a  acorn,  and  set  out  a  rose  bush,  but  all  the  legeslaters 
in  creation  cant  make  that  acorn  tree  blow  out  with 
red  posy's,  no  more  can  they  make  that  rose  bush 
stand  up  straight  as  a  giant.  And  thier  bein'  planted 
by  the  side  of  each  other — on  the  same  ground  and 
watered  out  of  the  same  waterin'  jug — dont  olter 
thier  natural  turn.  They  will  loth  help  shade  the 
winder,  but  do  it  in  their  own  way  which  is  differ 
ent.  And  men  and  wimmen  votin'  side  by  side, 
would  no  more  alter  their  natural  dispositions  than 
singin'  one  of  Watts'es  hymns  together  would.  One 
will  sing  base,  and  the  other  air,  so  long  as  the  world 
stands." 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,"  says  Betsey,  "  I  think  your 
views  are  uronieus.  "We  cannot  think  alike  about 


240  WiMMEN  WON'T  BE  DRIVEN. 

clinging,  we  also  diffeh  in  our  views  about  caurkusses. 
When  I  consideh  that  'lections  and  caurkusses  come 
once  every  yeah,  then  comes  home  the  solemn  feel- 
in',  how  wearin'  it  would  be  for  a  female  to  drop  all 
her  domestic  labohs  and  avocations,  and  be  present  at 
them.  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  let  us  sposen  the  case, 
sposen  a  women  is  a  washin',  or  churnin'  buttah, 
how  could  she  leave  this  laboh  to  go  and  vote  ?"  I 
was  so  wore  out,  that  says  I,  "  we  will  sposen  the 
case,  sposen  a  women  is  a  fool,  how  can  she  talk  com 
mon  sense  ?"  Says  I,  with  so  impatient  a  gesture  that  I 
broke  off  a  thread,  and  had  to  tie  it  on  agin  "  you  are 
goin'  over  the  same  old  ground  agin  of  a  wroman's 
time,"  says  I  "wimmen  can  drop  all  thier  domestic 
labors  and  go  to  fares — town  fares,  and  county  fares, 
and  state  fares  if  she  can  get  to  'em.  She  will  be  on 
the  ground  in  time  to  see  the  first  punkin  and  bed- 
quilt  carried  on  to  it,  and  she  will  stay  to  see  the  last 
horse,  trot  his  last  trot ;  she  can  find  time  for  picnics 
and  pleasure  exertions,  and  celebrations,  and  4th  of 
July — that  last,  all  day — and  it  would  take  about  half  a 
minute  to  vote."  "But "  says  I,  in  the  most  grand  and 
noble  tone  I  had  used  yet.  "  Men  haint  took  by  the 
coat  collar  and  dragged  off  to  caurkusses  and  'lections, 
they  dont  go  unless  they  are  a  mind  to,  and  I  dont 
suppose  wimmen  would  be  drove  there  like  a  flock  of 
sheep.  They  wouldn't  want  to  go;  only,  when  some 
great  law  was  up  concerning  right  and  wrong,  or  her 


THE  WIFE  AND  MOTHER  AT   A   PRIMARY, 


BETSEY'S  VIEW  OF  THE  RESULTS. 


BETSEY  PREFERS  TO  WALK.  243 

own  intrinsick  interests,  as  givin  a  mother  a  equal 
right  to  her  children,  a  right  she  earnt  naturally,  a 
deed  God  himself  stamped  with  the  great  seals  of  fear 
and  agony.  Or  beiri'  taxed  without  representation ; 
which  breaks  the  old  constitution  right  into,  in  the 
middle,  every  time  it  is  done.  Or  coricernin'  equal 
pay,  for  equal  labor.  I  spose  every  female  clerk  and 
teacher  and  operator,  who  have  half  starved  on  about 
one  third  what  men  get  for  doin'  the  same  work 
would  be  on  hand.  Like  wise  concerning  Temper 
ance,  I  spose  every  drunkards  wife  and  mother  and 
girl  would  go  to  the  pole,  that  could  get  there.  Poor 
things,  under  the  Legislator  they  have  enjoyed  the 
right  of  sufferin' ;  sposen  it  lets  'em  enjoy  the  right  of 
suffragin'  a  spell,  mebby  they  would  find  it  as  easy  if 
not  easier." 

Jest  at  this  minute  we  see  the  new  Local  Preacher, 
comin'  down  the  road  in  a  open  buggy,  and  Betsey 
said  to  once  she  must  be  goin,  for  her  folks  would 
be  a  worryin'  after  her."  Says  I,  as  she  hurried  to 
the  door, 
•  "Mebby  you  will  get  a  ride." 

"  Oh  no,"  says  she,  "  I  had  a  great  deal  rather  walk 
afoot,  I  think  there  is  nothing  like  walking  afoot  for 
strengthenin'  the  mussles." 

I  am  glad  she  felt  so,  for  I  see  he  didn't  ask  her  to 
ride.  But  as  she  said,  health  is  a  blessing,  and  it  is  a 
treat  indeed  to  have  strong  mussles. 


A  TOWER  TO  NEW  YORK  DISCUSSED. 


THE  summer  after  the  Donation  and  Fare  dawned 
peacefully  and  fair  on  Jonesville  and  the  earth.  The 
weather  was  pleasant,  and  things  seemed  to  go  on  as 
Sister  Wesley  Minkley  and  I  could  wish  them  to, 
between  her  Whitfield,  and  our  Tirzah  Ann.  Thom 
as  Jefferson  every  fortnight  or  so  dressed  up  in  his 
best  and  went  in  the  direction  of  Lawyer  Snow's. 
He  said  that  "  he  went  to  a  new  protracted  meetin' 
that  they  had  jest  started  up  that  way."  I  don't  say 
that  he  didn't,  but  I  will  say  that  they  protracted  'em 
pretty  late.  I  don't  make  no  matches  nor  break  none, 
but  I  must  say  that  things  look  promisin'  and  agreable 
in  the  direction  of  the  children.  Whitfield  Minkley, 
and  Maggy  Snow,  is  agreeable  to  me,  very ;  so  they 
be  to  Josiah. 

Josiah  thinks  considerable  of  Maggy's  bein'  so  fore 
handed.  I  say  myself 'if  she  hadn't  but  one  hand  in 
the  line  of  riches,  or  no  hand  at  all,  she  would  still  be 


PEACE  AND  PLENTY.  243" 

my  choice.  She  is  a  straight-forward  sensible  girl— 
with  no  affectation,  or  sham  about  her.  She  reminds 
me  of  what  Samantha  Allen  was,  before  she  had 
changed  her  maiden  name  of  Smith.  Whether  they 
are  really  engaged  on  not,  I  don't  know,  for  Thomas 
J.  is  such  a  hand  for  fun  that  you  can't  find  out  any 
thing  from  him  no  more  than  you  could  from  the 
wind.  But  good  land !  there  is  time  enough.  The 
children  shan't  marry  anybody  in  one  good  five  years 
from  now,  if  I  have  my  say  about  it.  But  as  I  told 
Josiah,  I  remember  we  was  a  talkin'  it  over  last  fall, 
as  we  sot  out  a  new  orchard — I  was  a  holdin'  the  trees 
for  him  and  says  I—"  Josiah  it  is  our  duty  to  get 
apple  trees  and  children  started  in  the  right  direction, 
and  then  let  them  take  their  time  to  grow." 

He  said,  "  Yes,  so  it  was." 

He  feels  well  about  it,  as  I  say,  it  is  agreeable  to  us 
both,  and  then  Josiah's  crops  looked  well,  the  crows 
took  a  little  of  his  corn,  but  it  had  come  on,  and  bid 
fair  to  be  a  first  rate  crop.  And  as  for  his  oats  and 
barley  and  winter  wheat,  they  couldn't  be  bettered. 

The  Editer  of  the  Augur  had  brought  home  his 
bride,  a  good  lookin'  light  complected  woman,  who 
seemed  devoted  to  "him  and  the  two  twins.  They 
went  to  house  keepin'  in  a  bran  new  house,  and  it 
was  observed  that  he  bought  a  cottage  bedstead 
that  didn't  have  any  posts,  and  life  for  him  seemed 
blest  and  peaceful. 

Betsey  Bobbet  did  not  pine   away  and  expire   as 


24:6  BETSEY  ALIVE  BUT  QUIET. 

might  be  expected  by  cursory  readers  of  her  last  poem 
in  the  Jonesville  Gimlet.  But  any  deep  philosipher 
who  had  made  the  Human  Race,  his  (or  her)  study 
for  any  length  of  time,  never  worrys  over  such 
efushions,  knowin'  that  affliction  is  like  the  measles, 
and  if  they  break  out  freely  in  pimples  and  poetry, 
the  patients  are  doin'  well. 

Betsey  had  been  pretty  quiet  for  her  through  the 
winter  and  spring,  she  hadn't  made  overtures  only  to 
two  more — which  was  a  little  pill  doctor,  and  a  locul 
preacher  who  had  been  sent  round  by  the  Conference. 
As  she  remarked  to  me,  "It  is  so  natural  to  get 
attached  to  your  minister  and  your  physician." 

As  I  said  the  summer  sun  basked  peacefully  down 
and  Jonesville  almost  asleep  under  her  rays,  seemed' 
the  abode  of  Repose.  But  where  was  there  a  Eden 
fenced  in,  but  what  Ambition  let  down  the  bars,  or 
climbed  over  the  fence.  But  this  was  a  noble  Ambi 
tion,  a  Ambition  I  was  proud  to  see  a  gettin'  over  the 
fence.  It  was  a  Ambition  that  leaped  over  into  my 
door  yard  the  very  day  I  heard  the  blessed  tidings, 
that  Horace  Greeley  was  run  up  for  President. 

I  had  always  respected  Horace,  he  had  always  been 
dear  to  me.  And  when  I  say  dear,  I  want  it  to  be 
plainly  understood — I  insist  upon  it  that  it  shall  be  un 
derstood — that  I  mean  dear,  in  a  scriptural,  and  politi 
cal  sense.  Never  sense  I  united  myself  to  Josiah  Al 
len,  has  my  heart  swerved  from  that  man  so  much  as 
the  breadth  of  a  horse  hair.  But  Horace's  honest 


WHEREIN  HORACE  GRELY  AND  I  DIFFER.  247 

pure  views  of  life,  has  endeared  him  to  every  true  lov 
er  of  the  Human  Race,  Josiah  Allen's  wife  included. 
Of  course  we  don't  think  alike  on  every  subject.  No 
2  human  bein's  ever  did.  Horace  and  I  differ  on  some 
things  such  as  biled  vittles,  Wimmen's  Rights,  and 
cream  biscuit.  He  don't  believe  in  biled  vittles,  and 
it  is  my  favorite  beverage.  He  is  a  unbeliever  in  sal- 
aratus,  I  myself  don't  see  how  he  makes  cream  biscuit 
tit  to  eat  without  it.  And  he — not  havin'  me  to  influ 
ence  him — hadn't  come  out  on  to  the  side  of  wimmen's 
havin'  a  Right.  But  as  a  general  thing,  Horace  Gree- 
ley  was  to  be  found  onto  the  side  of  Right.  He  was 
onto  the  side  of  the  weak,  the  down  trodden.  He  was 
always  a  plottin'  to  do  some  good  to  somebody,  and  I 
felt  that  if  the  eyes  of  his  spectacles  could  be  once  open 
ed  onto  this  subject  of  wimmen's  havin'  a  Right,  that 
he  would  be  more  help  to  us,  than  a  army  of  banners. 
Months  before  he  was  run  up  for  President  I  had  felt 
this,  and  in  the  fall  of  1871,  as  Josiah  was  a  settin'  by 
the  fire  alone,  he  a  readin'  the  World  and  1  a  knit- 
tin'  says  I  to  him, 

"  Josiah  are  you  willin'  that  I  should  go  down  to 
New  York  village  on  a  tower,  and  have  a  talk  with 
Horace  about  the  Human  race  and  wimmen's  havin'  a 
right  ? 

Josiah  didn't  seem  to  be  willin',  he  looked  up  from 
the  World,  and  muttered  somethin'  about  "  Tam 
many's  ring." 

I  dont  know  when  the  old  Smith  blood  so  riled  up 


248  JOSIAH  SHOWS  JEALOUSY. 

in  me  as  it  did  then.  I  remember  I  riz  right  up 
where  I  set  in  front  of  the  stove,  and  waved  my  right 
hand,  I  was  so  excited,  and  says  I, 
"  Josiah  Allen  if  you  have  lived  with  me  goin  on  15 
years,  and  if  you  haint  no  more  confidence  in  me  than 
to  think  I  would  accept  a  ring  from  old  Tammany, 
then  I  will  stay  to  home.  Says  I,  Josiah  Allen,  I  never 
mistrusted  till  this  very  minute  that  you  had  a 
jealous  hair  in  your  head,  says  I,  you  have  fell  35 
cents  in  my  estimation  to  night,  says  I,  you  know  Jo 
siah  Allen  that  I  haint  never  wore  no  jewelrey  sense 
I  jined  the  Methodist  meetin'  house,  and  if  I  did,  do 
you  spose  I  would  accept  a  ring  from  old  Tammany, 
that  sneakin'  old  Democrat  ?  I  hate  old  Tammany,  I 
perfectly  despise  the  old  man." 

I  felt  so  imposed  upon  and  worked  up,  that  I  start 
ed  right  off  to  bed  and  forgot  to  wind  up  the  clock, 
or  shet  the  buttery  door,  for  I  remember  the  clock 
run  down  and  the  cat  eat  the  inside  out  oi  the 
custard  pies.  Wall  from  that  time  I  never  had 
opened  my  head  to  Josiah  about  goin'  off  on  a  tower. 
But  I  wrote  Horace  a  letter  on  the  subject  of  Wim- 
men's  Rights,  as  good  a  letter  as  I  knew  how,  beggin' 
him  to  follow  the  example  of  J.  Allen's  wife,  and  all 
other  noble  reformers  and  put  his  shoulder  blades  to 
the  wheel." 

His  answer  wasn't  so  satisfactory  as  I  could  have 
wished  it  was,  and  I  knew  I  could  do  better  to  stand 


DEMOCRATS  SHORT  OF  PRESIDENT  STUFF.         249 

face  to  face  with  him.  But  as  I  say  I  dont  know  as  I 
should  ever  have  started  up  agin,  if  that  great  and 
good  man  hadn't  been  run  up  for  President. 

Now  some  thought  it  looked  shiftless  in  the  Demo 
crats,  and  kinder  poverty  struck  in  'em,  to  think 
they  had  got  all  out  of  President  stuff,  and  had  to 
borry  some  of  the  Republicans.  But  good  land ! 
where  is  there  a  housekeeper  but  what  will  once  in  a 
while  get  out  of  tea  and  have  to  borry  a  drawin'  of 
her  neighbors  ?  If  good  honest,  smart  men  was  skurse 
amongst  'em,  if  they  had  got  kinder  run  out  of  Presi 
dent  timber,  and  wanted  to  borry  a  little,  why  it 
would  have  looked  dreedful  tight  and  unneighberly 
in  the  Republicans  to  have  refused  'em,  when  they 
was  well  on  it  too  for  President  stuff,  they  could 
have  spared  two  or  three  jest  as  well  as  not,  even  if 
they  never  got  'em  paid  back.  But  the  Democrats 
only  wanted  to  borry  one,  and  that  was  Horace. 
The  Democrats  thought  everything  of  Horace  because 
he  put  a  bail  onto  Jeff  Davis.  Josiah  said  at  the 
time  that  it  raised  him  25  cents  or  more  in  his  estima 
tion.  At  the  same  time  it  madded  some  of  the  Re 
publicans.  But  it  didn't  me.  You  see  I  believe  jest 
what  I  think  is  right,  and  pay  no  attention  to  what 
the  other  folks  who  are  standin'  on  my  doorstep  may 
happen  to  believe. 

Nobody  that  stands  on  my  platform — let  'em  stand 
as  close  to  me  as  they  are  a  mind  to — not  one  of  'em 


250  BAILIN'  JEFF.  DAVIS. 

is  answerable  to  God  for  what  thoughts  and  principles 
are  performin'  in  my  mind  and  soul.  Josiah  Allen's 
wife  hangs  on  to  nobody's  apron  strings  only  jest  her 
own. 

As  far  as  the  party  on  my  doorstep  believe  what  I 
think  is  right,  I  am  with  'em  heart  and  hand,  but  I 
am  not  one  to  shet  up  my  eyes  and  walk  up  blindly 
and  hang  on  to  anybody's  apron  strings,  not  even 
Horace  Greeley's,  as  anybody  can  see  in  the  matter 
of  biled  vittles,  Wimmen's  Rights,  and  cream  biscuit. 
To  think  you  have  got  to  believe  every  thing  your 
party  does,  seems  jest  as  unreasonable  to  me,  as  it 
would  when  you  go  out  to  pick  greens,  to  pick  skunk 
cabbage  because  cow  cabbage  is  good  and  wholesome. 
Why  skunk  cabbage  is  pison,  jest  as  pison  as  sikuta 
or  ratsbane.  Now  the  doctrine  of  free  love  as  some 
folks  preach  it  up,  folks  in  both  parties,  why  the 
smell  of  it  is  jest  as  obnoxious  in  my  political  and 
moral  nostrals  as  the  smell  of  sikuta  is,  and  if  any 
thing  smells  worse  than  that,  I  don't  want  to  go  near 
it.  Pick  out  the  good,  and  leave  the  bad,  is  my 
theme  in  greens  and  politix. 

K"o\v  about  puttin'  that  bail  onto  Jeff.  Davis,  though 
as  I  say  it  madded  my  party,  I  was  glad  he  put  it  on. 
Jeff,  was  a  mean  critter  no  doubt,  but  I  don't  know 
as  chokin'  him  to  death  with  a  rope  would  have  made 
him  any  better.  I  say  this  idee  of  chokin'  folks 
to  death  to  reform  'em,  is  where  we  show  the  savage 


CHARITY  THE  GREATEST  GRACE.  251 

in  us,  which  we  have  brought  down  from  our  barbarious 
ancestors.  We  have  left  off  the  war  paint  and  war 
whoops,  and  we  shall  leave  off  the  hangin'  when  we 
get  civilized. 

Says  some  to  me,  "Look  at  our  poor  Northern 
boys  that  suffered  and  died  in  Libby  prison  and 
Andersonville  through  Jefferson." 

I  says  to  'em,  "  Would  chokin'  Jefferson  bring  'em 
back?  if  so  I  would  choke  him  myself. — not  to  kill 
him  of  course,  but  so  he  would  feel  it,  I  can  tell  you'.' 

No  !  it  was  all  over,  and  past.  All  the  sin,  and 
all  the  sorrow  of  the  war.  And  God  had  out  of  it 
brought  a  great  good  to  the  black  Africans,  and  the 
nation,  in  the  way  all  good  is  generally  brought, 
through  sufferin'  and  tribulation.  And  if  a  nation 
is  made  perfect  through  sufferin'  what  should  be  the 
first  lesson  she  should  show  to  the  world  ? 

I  say,  it  should  be  the  lesson  that  Christ  and  his 
disciples  taught,  that  of  all  Heavenly  graces,  charity 
is  the  greatest.  The  way  I  looked  at  it  was  this. 
The  South  that  had  been  so  braggin',  and  selfish,  and 
overbearin',  stood  at  the  door  of  the  proud  and  victo 
rious  North,  like  a  beggar,  harmless,  destitute  and 
ragged.  Where  is  the  rich  happy  woman  that 
wouldn't  give  a  nutcake  to  a  sick  beggar  ?  I  don't 
see  myself  how  she  could  help  givin'  one,  if  she  had 
any  generosity  and  nobility  and — nut-cakes. 

Jeff  Davis  was  all  broke  to  pieces,  and  he  wanted  a 


252  A  STRONG  TEAM. 

bail  put  onto  him  so  life  could  grip  holt  of  him  agin, 
and  carry  him  I  hope  towards  that  heaven  he  turned 
his  back  to,  when  he  was  a  fightin'  to  uphold  slavery. 
Horace  helped  put  that  bail  on,  and  so  did  other  noble 
men  ;  and  all  the  ministers  in  creation,  of  every  per 
suasion,  might  all  stand  up  in  a  row  in  our  door  yard, 
and  preach  to  me  2  days,  and  then  I  wouldn't  believe 
that  H.  G.  would  turn  his  hand  to  anything  he 
thought  was  wrong. 

If  there  was  any  fault  in  him  about  this,  it  was  on 
the  side  of  charity  and  mercy,  and  as  a  general  thing 
that  end  of  the  board  don't  tip  up  any  too  fur  in  this 
selfish  world.  As  a  general  thing,  folks  don't  teter  on 
that  end  of  the  board  so  much  as  they  do  on  the  other. 

So,  as  I  said,  when  I  heard  that  Horace  was  run  up 
for  President,  I  was  so  happy  that  my  heart  would 
have  sung  for  joy  if  it  had  been  anything  of  a  singer, 
for  now,  thinks'es  I,  with  that  great  and  good  and 
honest  man  for  President,  all  he  wants  is  the  influence 
of  Josiah  Allen's  wife  to  make  him  all  the  sufferin' 
nation  needs.  I  felt  that  now  the  time  had  come  for 
J.  Allen's  wife  to  come  out  boldly  and  put  her  shoul 
der  blades  to  the  wheel.  I  felt  that  if  Horace  could 
be  perswaded  to  draw  and  Josiah  Allen's  wife  to  push, 
nothin'  could  hender  that  wheel  from  movin'  right 
onward  into  Freedom.  And  so  my  principles,  and 
the  great  doctrine  so  goared  me,  that  I  couldn't  get 
no  rest,  I  felt  that  I  must  see  Horace  before  he  got  sot 


EFFECTS  OF  DISAPPOINTMENT.  253 

doun  in  the  high  chair,  because  you  know  when  any 
body  gets  sot  doun  they  don't  love  to  nestle  round  and 
make  no  changes.  So  I  atted  Josiah  about  it,  but  he 
didn't  seem  to  be  willin'.  I  didn't  come  right  out  and 
tell  him  how  I  was  xcercised  on  "Wimmin's  Rights, 
knowin'  he  was  a  unbeliever,  but  I  gays  to  him, 

"  Josiah,  Jonesville  is  a  good  village,  but  nobody 
wants  to  be  tied  doun  even  to  a  barell  of  sale  molasses. 
Josiah,  I  do  want  to  see  some  other  village,  I  do  want 
to  go  to  New  York  on  a  tower." 

Says  he,  "  Samantha,  what  under  the  sun  do  you 
want  to  go  for  at  your  age,  why  do  you  want  to  start 
up  and  go  a  caperin'  round  the  country  ?" 

I  thought  a  minute,  and  then  says  I,  "  I  want  to  see 
Miss  Woodhull,  and  give  her  a  real  taikin'  to,  about 
free  love.  I  want  to  convince  her  she  is  in  the  wrong 
on  it,"  and  then  says  I  in  a  kind  of  a  blind  way,  "  I 
have  got  other  business  that  I  feel  that  it  is  my  duty 
to  tend  to." 

But  he  didn't  seem  to  be  willin',  and  I  wouldn't  go 
without  his  consent.  And  so  it  went  on,  Josiah  hang- 
in'  back,  and  my  principles  a  goarin'  me.  It  wore  on 
me.  My  dresses  begun  to  hook  up  looser  on  me,  and 
finally  one  mornin',  as  I  dallied  over  my  second  pota 
toe,  and  my  third  egg,  not  eatin'  'em  with  no  appetite, 
Josiah  says  to  me,  "  What  does  ail  you,  Samantha,  you 
don't  eat  nothin',  and  you  seem  to  be  a  runnin'  doun." 

Then  I  broached  the  subject  to  him  agin.  I  expected 


254  MAKING  PREPARATIONS  FOR  THE  TOUR. 

he  would  object.  But  lie  looked  at  me  in  a  silent, 
melankolly  way  for  about  one  minute,  and  half  or  three 
quarters  of  another,  and  then  says  he  in  a  gentle  but 
firm  accent, 

u  Samantha  if  I  can  sell  the  old  critter  you  can 
go." 

So  I  was  left  in  uncertainty  (as  it  were)  for  I  knew 
he  wouldn't  sell  it  for  less  than  the  price  he  had  sot 
it,  and  no  knowin'  whether  it  would  fetch  it  or  not. 
But  I  felt  in  my  heart  a  feelin'  that  I  should  go  off  on 
that  tower.  And  so  I  gradually  but  silently  began 
inakin'  preperations,  I  quietly  and  calmly  took  two 
breadths  out  of  my  brown  alapaca  dress  and  goared 
'em  and  put  a  overskirt  on  to  it,  for  I  was  determined 
not  to  go  to  New  York  village  without  a  overskirt  on 
to  me.  Not  that  I  care  about  such  triflin'  things  my 
self,  but  T  felt  that  I  was  representin'  a  great  cause, 
and  I  wasn't  goin'  to  put  our  cause  to  open  shame  by 
not  havin'  on  a  overskirt.  Men  sometimes  say  that 
great  and  strong  minded  wimmen  are  slack  in  the 
matter  of  dressin'  up,  I  was  determined  to  show  'em 
that  chat  weakness  wasn't  mine.  I  wasn't  goin'  to  be 
all  tattered  out,  with  ends  and  tag  locks  of  bows  and 
pleatins,  and  tow  curls  and  frizzles,  but  I  felt  there 
was  a  megium  course  to  pursue,  and  I  was  deter 
mined  to  hit  against  it. 

Then  agin  I  felt  that  the  color  of  my  dress  suited 
the  great  cause.  I  wasn't  goin'  rigged  out  in  pink 


A  BECOMING  DRESS  AND  OVERSKIRT.  255 

muslin,  or  sky-blue  cambric,  or  anything  of  that  sort. 
A  good  solid  sensible  brown  seemed  to  be  jest  the 
thing.  Black  would  have  seemed  too  much  in  the 
mournin'  line,  as  if  we  was  despondent  w^hen  we 
wasn't.  White  book  muslin  would  have  looked  as  if 
my  principles  was  too  thin,  and  I  was  too  light  and 
triflin',  and  didn't  realize  the  great  issues  dependent 
on  to  me.  No ;  brown  alapaca  with  a  overskirt  1  felt 
was  jest  what  the  anxious  nation  required  of  me,  as 
I  stood  face  to  face  with  the  future  President  of  the 
United  States — with  my  spectacles  calmly  gazin'  into 
his'en,  a  influencin'  him  in  the  cause  of  Right. 

Another  reason,  I  wont  deny,  influenced  me  in  try- 
in'  to  get  a  good  pattern  for  my  overskirt  so  as  to 
have  it  set  good.  (I  got  it  of  Miss  Gowdey  and  made 
it  a  little  bigger  round  the  waist,)  I  thought  more'n 
likely  as  not  Horace's  and  my  picture  would  be  took, 
and  in  the  future  would  be  hung  up  by  the  side  of 
that  good  honest  old  Lincoln's  Emancipation  Procla 
mation. 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife  influencin'  Horace  in  the 
Great  Cause  of  Wimmen's  Rights." 

And  though  I  haint  vain,  I  thought  how  poor  it 
would  be,  and  what  a  eye  sore  to  the  nation  if  my 
dress  didn't  hang  good.  And  how  pleasin'  it  would 
be  both  to  America  and  Josiah,  to  see  me  dressed  in 
a  noble  and  becomin'  way.  So  I  finished  my  over- 
skirt,  and  silently  done  up  my  best  petticoat,  and  in 


256  JOSIAH  SELLS  THE  CRITTER. 

the  same  mysterious  manner  I  put  some  tape  trim- 
min'  on  to  the  bottom  of  it. 

And  so  the  long  and  tegus  days  passed  away  from 
me.  I  felt  that  suspense  was  a  weariii'  on  me.  Jo- 
siah  see  that  it  was.  And  on  Saturday  mornin'  I  see 
him  pensively  leaniii'  over  the  barn  yard  fence,  mews 
in'  as  it  was,  and  pretty  soon  he  hitched  up  the  old 
mare,  and  went  to  Jonesville,  and  when  he  came  back 
he  says  to  me,  in  sorrowful  tones  but  some  composed. 

"Samantha,  you  can  start  to-morrow  if  you  want 
to,  I  have  sold  the  old  critter." 

And  then  he  added  pensively.  "  I  wish  you  would 
have  a  few  griddle  cakes  for  supper,  with  some  maple 
molasses  on  to  'em." 


GOVERNED  BY  PRINCIPLES. 


OX  the  next  Monday  mornin',  I  let  loose  to  my  feel- 
ins  as  it  was,  and  begun  to  make  open  preparations. 
I  baked  up  the  best  vittles  the  house  afforded,  for  I 
determined  Josiah  should  live  like  a  king  dnrin'  his 
temporary  widowerhood.  Then  after  I  got  through 
iwkin'  and  got  the  house  clean  as  a  pin,  I  commenced 
to  fix  a  dress  to  wear  on  the  journey,  for  of  course  I 
wasn't  goin'  to  wear  my  best  dress  with  a  overskirt  on 
the  railway.  I  am  a  master  hand  for  bein'  careful  of 
my  clothes,  and  I  knew  it  would  almost  spile  one  of 
my  best  dresses,  but  I  had  a  calico  dress  as  good  as 
new.  It  was  a  dark  blue  ground  work  with  a  hand 
some  sprig  on  it,  and  after  I  took  up  two  tacks  in  it,  I 
felt  that  it  was  jest  the  thing  to  wear  on  the  tower. 

I  had  jest  put  it  on,  and  had  got  the  lookin'  glass 
onto  the  floor  to  see  if  it  cleared  the  floor  enough,  when 
Thomas  Jefferson  come  in,  and  says  he, 

"  Your  dress  is  too  short,  mother,  I  hate  to  see  short 

dresses,  they  look  so  hihorsical." 

257 


258  THOMAS  J.  CRITICISES  MY  DRESS. 

I  answered  him  with  dignity  as  I  looked  over  my 
shoulder  into  the  glass, 

"  Samantha  Allen,  whose  maiden  name  was  Smith, 
haint  a  goin'  to  mop  out  the  cars  for  the  railroad  com 
pany,  free  gratis  for  nothin,"  and  I  added  with  still 
more  impressive  dignity,  as  I  hung  up  the  lookin' 
glass,  "  what  you  mean  by  hihorsical  I  don't  know." 

He  said  it  was  a  compound  word  derived  from  the 
Greek,  "  high,"  to  intoxicate,  and  "  horsical,"  a  race 
horse,  which  two  words  strained  off  from  the  dead  lan 
guage  and  biled  doun  into  English  meant  "  hihorsical." 

I  told  him  "  I  didn't  care  for  his  Greek,  I  didn't  care 
if  it  was  dead,  not  a  mite,  I  shouldn't  cry  over  it,"  and 
I  told  him  further,  fixin'  my  gray  eyes  upon  him  se 
renely,  "  that  there  was  two  or  three  words  that  wasn't 
dead,  that  he  would  do  well  to  strain  off,  and  bile  doun, 
and  take  'em  for  a  stiddy  drink." 

He  wanted  to  know  what  they  was,  and  I  told  him 
plainly  they  was  "  Mind  your  own  business." 

He  said  he  would  bile  'em  doun,  and  take  'em  stid 
dy  as  a  clock,  and  pretty  soon  he  started  off  for  Jones- 
ville — he  had  staid  to  home  that  day  to  help  his  father. 
And  I  went  on  with  a  serene  face  a  makin'  my  prepa 
rations.  Josiah  didn't  hardly  take  his  eyes  off  of  my 
face,  as  I  made  'em.  He  sot  in  a  dejected  way,  a 
claspin'  the  World  in  his  two  hands,  with  a  sad  look 
onto  his  face.  He  hated  to  think  of  my  leavin'  him, 
and  £oin'  off  on  a  tower.  I  see  he  did,  and  I  says  to 
him  in  a  real  affectionate  tone, 


A  VISIT  TO  JONESVILLE.  259 

"  Josiah,  haint  there  nothin'  I  can  do  for  you  in 
New  York,  haint  you  got  any  errands  to  the  village  ?" 

He  rubbed  his  bald  head  in  deep  thought  for  a  min 
ute  or  two,  and  then  says  he,  (he  thinks  everything  of 
the  World,)  "  The  nigger  barber's  wife  to  Jonesville 
came  pretty  near  runnin'  away  with  another  nigger 
last  night;  if  you  have  time  I  should  love  to  have  you 
go  to  the  Editer  of  the  World  and  tell  him  of  it.  I 
am  afraid,''  says  he,  and  a  gloomy,  anxious  look  over 
spread  his  eye-brow,  "  I  am  afraid  he  haint  heard  of 
it." 

I  answered  him  in  a  soothin'  tone,  "  That  I  guessed 
he  had  heard  of  it  before  now,  I  guessed  it  would  be 
in  the  next  week's  World,"  and  Josiah  kinder  chirked 
up  and  went  out  to  work. 

The  next  day  I  took  ten  pounds  of  butter,  and  4 
dozen  of  eggs  and  Josiah  carried  me  to  Jonesville  to 
trade  'em  out,  to  get  necessary s  for  me  to  wear  on  my 
tower.  I  didn't  begrech  layin'  out  so  much  expense, 
neither  did  Josiah,  for  we  both  knew  that  as  I  was 
gettin'  pretty  well  along  in  years,  it  wasn't  likely  I 
should  ever  go  off  on  a  tower  agin.  And  then  I  had 
been  prudent  and  equinomical  all  my  days,  and  it 
wasn't  no  more  than  right  that  I  should  launch  out 
now  in  a  liberal  way. 

But  all  the  time  I  was  workin'  over  that  butter, 
and  all  the  time  I  was  countin'  out  them  eggs, 
Horace  was  in  my  mind.  Hangin'  such  hopes  on 


200  JOSIAH'S  WHITE  HAT. 

him  as  I  hung,  I  felt  that  I  must  do  somethin'  openly, 
to  give  vent  to  my  patriotic  feelin's  in  regard  to  him. 

I  never  had  wore  hats,  for  I  felt  that  I  was  too  old 
to  wear  'em.  But  now  as  I  was  startin'  off  to  Jones- 
ville  to  get  necessarys  to  wear  on  my  mission  to  that 
great  and  good  Horace,  I  felt  that  principle  called 
on  me  to  come  out  openly,  and  wear  a  white  hat  with 
a  feather.  And  I  felt  that  Josiah  as  the  husband  of 
Josiah  Allen's  wife,  and  the  carrier  of  her  to  get 
them  necessarys,  must  also  wear  one. 

The  father  of  Josiah,  had  left  to  him  with  other 
clothin',  a  large  white  fur  hat.  As  the  old  gentleman 
hadn't  wore  it  for  some  40  or  50  years  prior  to 
and  before  his  desease,  (  he  died  when  Thomas  J.  was 
a  baby)  it  wasn't  in  the  liight  of  fashion.  But  says  I, 
"  Josiah  Allen  in  the  name  of  Horace  and  principle 
will  you  wear  that  hat  ?  " 

Says  he,  "  I  hate  to  like  a  dog,  for  they  will  think  I 
have  stole  the  Baptist  steeple,  and  am  wearin'  it  for 
a  hat."  But  seein'  my  sad  dissapointed  look,  says  he, 
"  If  you  say  so  Samantha,  I  will  wear  it  for  once." 

Says  I  with  dignity,  "  It  is  not  your  wife,  formally 
Samantha  Smith,  that  says  so,  it  is  principle." 

"  Wall !  "  says  he  "  fetch  it  on."  Josiah  was  awful 
clever  to  me,  I  guess  it  is  natural  for  all  men  to 
conduct  themselves  cleverer  when  they  are  about  to 
lose  their  pardners  for  a  spell. 

The  hat  was  l>ig.     I  couldn't  deny  it.     And  Josiah 


A  WHITE  HAT  FOR  MYSELF.  261 

bein'  small,  with,  no  hair  to  fill  it  up,  as  I  lifted  it  up 
with  both  hands  and  set  it  onto  him,  his  head  went 
right  up  into  it  the  brim  takin'  him  right  across  the 
bottom  of  his  nose. 

Says  he,  out  from  under  the  hat,  "  There  hain't  no 
use  a  talkin'  Samantha,  I  can't  never  drive  the  old 
mare  to  Jonesville  in  this  condition,  blind  as  a  bat." 

But  I  explained  it  to  him,  that  by  windin'  a  piller- 
case,  or  somethin'  round  the  top  of  his  head,  the  hat 
would  fit  on,  jest  as  you  would  fix  a  small  cork  into 
a  big  bottle. 

So  that  bein'  arrainged,  my  next  thought  was  for 
my  own  hat,  and  I  thought  mournfully  as  I  examined 
it,  mine  would  be  as  much  too  small  as  his  was  too 
big ;  it  was  an  old  one  of  Tirzah  Ann's,  it  was  pure 
white,  but  it  was  small  for  her,  and  nobody  could 
have  got  me  even  to  have  tried  it  onto  my  head,  for 
love  or  money.  Bat  in  such  a  nature  as  J.  Allen's 
wife's,  principle  is  all  in  all. 

And  as  I  looked  in  the  glass  and  see  how  awfully  I 
looked  in  it,  a  feelin'  of  grandeur — self  sacrificin'  no 
bility  and  patrotism  swelled  up  in  me,  and  made  my 
face  look  redder  than  ever,  I  am  naturally  very  fresh 
colored.  And  I  felt  that  for  the  sake  of  Horace  and 
principle,  I  could  endure  the  burnin'  sun,  and  mebby 
the  scoffs  and  sneers  of  Jonesville,  they  bein'  most  all 
on  the  side  of  Grant.  I  took  a  old  white  silk  bunnet 
linin'  of  mine,  and  put  a  new  bindin'  round  the  edge, 


262  WE  SHOW  OUR  COLORS. 

it  beiii'  formally  bound  with  pink.  And  then  after 
readin'  a  chapter  in  Foxes  Book  of  Martyrs — a  soul 
stirrin'  chapter,  concernin'  them  that  was  biled  in  oil 
and  baked  on  gridirons  for  principle — I  sallied  out  to 
get  a  feather  to  put  onto  it. 

We  hadn't  no  white  feathers  by  us,  and  I  shouldn't 
have  felt  like  runnin'  Josiah  into  any  extra  expense 
to  buy  one,  if  there  had  been  a  feather  store  in  the  door 
yard.  But  our  old  rooster  "  Hail  the  Day,"  as  Thomas 
Jefferson  calls  him,  had  the  most  curlin'est,  and  foam- 
in'est  tail  feathers  you  ever  see,  white  as  snow.  And 
inspired  by  the  most  pure  and  noble  and  lofty  senti 
ments  that  can  animate  the  human  breast,  I  chased  up 
that  old  rooster  for  nigh  onto  half  an  hour.  At  last  I 
cornered  him  behind  the  barn,  and  as  I  held  him  tight 
to  my  breast,  and  pulled  out  by  main  strength  two 
long  slim  feathers,  that  quirled  and  waved  in  a  invitin' 
manner,  I  says  to  him, 

"  This  is  hard  for  you,  old  Hail  the  Day.  But  you 
are  not  the  rooster  I  take  you  to  be,  you  are  not  like 
your  mistress,  if  you  are  not  willin'  to  suifer  in  the 
cause  of  Right." 

He  flopped  his  wings,  when  I  let  him  go,  and  crow 
ed  nobly.  I  fixed  the  feathers  in  and  we  set  out.  But 
I  was  more  scairt  than  hurt  in  the  line  of  scoffs.  As 
we  went  into  Jonesville  not  a  scoff  did  I  sec — not  a 
single  scoff.  No  !  they  all  smiled  as  they  looked  at  us, 
they  see  the  power  of  principle,  and  they  was  proud 
of  us.  Some  of  'em  laughed,  they  admired  us  so. 


ON  THE  FENCE.  265 

"We  drove  up  to  the  store  and  I  went  in  with  my 
butter  and  eggs,  Josiah  havin'  business  to  the  black 
smiths.  The  clerk  looked  at  me,  and  he  smiled,  and 
says  he, 

"  I  see  you  are  for  Horace  Greeley."  He  almost 
snickered  but  he  checked  himself,  looked  meachin,  as 
he  see  my  keen  gray  eye  fixed  onto  his  hat  which  he 
had  on,  it  was  a  kind  of  a  mice  coler,  no  principle  shone 
on  it  of  any, kind. 

"  Yes  ,"  says  I,  "  I  am  for  Horace"  and  agin  I  look 
ed  keenly  and  searchin'ly  at  that  hat,  and  says  I  "Be 
you  on  either  side  or  be  you  on  the  fence  ?" 

"  Wall "  says  he  "  I  am  kinder  on  the  fence  at  the 
present  time.  But  I  didn't  get  up  there  because  I 
am  a  coward,  I  got  up  there  through  policy ;  when 
you  are  on  the  fence,  you  haint  a  steppin'  on  the  feet 
of  either  party,  it  is  a  safe  place,  and  it  is  a  sightly 
place,  you  can  see  better  than  you  can  on  the  ground." 

"  When  do  you  calculate  to  get  off?"  says  I. 

"  Oh  right  after  'lection,"  says  he.  "  I  shall  get  off 
on  the  side  that  beats." 

I  see  here  was  a  chance  for  me  to  do  good  and  says  I, 

'*  Young  man,  ridin'  a  fence  never  carried  any  man 
or  woman  into  nobility  or  honor,"  says  I,  "you  may 
saddle  and  bridle  a  fence  with  all  the  velvet  cushioned 
caution,  and  silver  mounted  excuses,  and  shinin'  policy 
you  are  a  mind  to,  but  you  never  could  get  Josiah  Al 

len's  wife  on  to  it,  she  had  ruther  walk  afoot,"  says  L 
11* 


266  BETSEY  DISCOVERS  A  COINCIDENCE. 

"  them  brave  warriors  that  go  canterin'  doun  life's  bat 
tle  field,  leadin'  on  the  forlorn  hope  in  the  cause  of 
Hight,  don't  go  ridin5  a  fence." 

He  looked  stricken,  and  I  asked  him  in  a  milder 
tone  to  look  at  his  green  braige  for  viels.  He  took  off 
that  hat  and  threw  it  doun  behind  the  counter,  and 
brought  out  the  braige,  and  I  bought  right  there  on 
the  spot  a  yard  and  a  quarter  of  it.  I  then  bought  a 
pair  of  new  cotton  gloves,  a  good  sized  umbrella,  a  pair 
of  morocco  shoes,  a  pair  of  pink  elastic  garters,  and 
two  as  good  stockins  as  Jonesville  afforded,  and  butter 
would  pay  for.  I  haint  one  to  flounce  the  outside  of 
the  platter,  and  let  the  inside  go  bony  and  ragged.  I 
haint  no  opinion  of  wolves  on  the  outside,  and  sheep 
on  the  inside,  I  want  to  be  sheep  clear  to  the  bone,  in 
dress  as  well  as  principle.  Wall,  who  should  come  in 
to  the  store,  jest  AS  I  was  examinin'  the  green  braige 
through  my  spectacles,  but  Betsey  Bobbet.  My  pur 
chases  lay  all  round  me  on  the  counter,  and  says  she, 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  what  means  this  extravagant 
outlay  of  expendature  ?" 

Says  I,  as  coolly  as  if  I  went  there  every  mornin'  be 
fore  breakfast, 

"  I  am  goin'  to  New  York  village  on  a  tower." 

She  fairly  screamed  out,  "  What  a  coincidence !" 

Says  I  calmly,  "  It  haint  no  such  thing,  it  is  green 
braige  for  a  viel.  It  is  75  cents  a  yard." 

"  You  do  not  understand  me,  Josiah  Allen's  wife," 


BETSEY  IS  CALLED  BY  DUTY  TO  .NEW  YORK.   267 

says  she.  "  I  mean  that  it  is  so  singulah  and  coincid 
ing  that  I  am  goin'  theah  too.  Cousin  Melindy,  she 
that  married  Ebenezah  Williams,  is  just  goin'  with 
the  consumption.  And  I  felt  that  duty  was  a  drawin' 
of  me  theah.  As  1  told  motheh,  in  case  of  anything's 
happening  in  case  that  Melindy  should  expiah,  how 
sweet  and  soothin'  it  would  be  to  Ebenezah  to  have 
somebody  theah,  that  could  feel  for  him.  It  would 
about  kill  Ebinezah  to  lose  Melindy,  and  I  feel  that 
it  would  be  so  sweet  and  comfortin'  for  him  to  have 
somebody  on  hand  to  lean  on ;"  she  smiled  sweetly  as 
she  continued,  "  there  is  almost  a  certainty  that  Me 
lindy  is  about  to  be  took  from  our  aching  hearts.  But 
I  fall  back  on  the  scripture,  and  on  my  duty,  and  try 
to  feel  as  if  I  could  give  her  up.  When  do  you 
start  2" 

"  Thursday  ,mornin',"  says  I  in  a  tone  as  cold  as  a 
grindstone  in  January,  for  I  see  what  was  before  me. 

She  clasped  her  two  hands  and  smiled  on  me  two 
times,  and  cried  out  agin,  "  Oh,  what  anotheh  coinci 
dence  !  jest  the  day  I  was  intending  to  embark.  Oh," 
says  she,  "  how  sweet  it  will  be  for  you  to  have  a  con 
genial  companion  on  the  way,  as  the  poet  Robinson 
Selkirk  sweetly  singeth, 

'Oh  solitude,  whpre  are  the  charms 
Mr.  Sage  hath  seen  in  thy  face  ?' 

Don't  you  say  so,  Josiah  Allen's  wife?" 
"  I  respect  Mr.  Sage,"  says  I, "  he  is  a  man  I  admire^ 


208  AT  THE  DEPOTT. 

and  Mr.  Selkirk  don't  know  beans,"  and  I  added  in 
frigid  tones,  "  when  the  bag  is  un-tied."  I  see  that 
my  emotions  was  a  gettin'  the  better  of  me,  I  see  my 
principals  was  a  totterin'.  I  recollected  that  I  was  a 
member  of  the  Methodist  meetin'  house,  and  the  words 
of  a  him  come  back  to  me,  with  a  slight  change  in  'em 
to  suit  the  occasion. 

"  Shall  I  be  carried  to  New  York, 
On  floury  bags  of  ease  ?" 

I  turned  and  shouldered  my  cross. 

"  Betsey  we  will  set  sail  together  Thursday  morn- 
in'."  I  then  turned  silently  and  left  the  store,  for  I 
felt  than  any  further  effort  would  have  been  too  much 
for  me. 

Thursday  mornin'  found  me  to  the  depott  in  good 
season.  Betsey  also  was  on  time.  I  didn't  feel 
haughty  nor  at  all  proud,  but  still  I  felt  that  I  was  a 
independent  householder  startin'  to  New  York  vil 
lage  on  a  tower  at  my  own  expense.  I  see  that  all 
the  car  folks  felt  friendly  towards  me  for  thier  was 
a  pleasant  smile  on  their  faces  every  time  they 
looked  at  me  and  Betsey. 

I  wasn't  trimmed  off  so  much  as  Betsey,  but 
I  looked  well.  I  had  on  that  good  calico  dress,  a 
large  black  silk  mantilly,  a  good  shirred  silk  bunnet 
large  enough  to  shade  my  face  some,  my  bran  new 
cotton  gloves,  my  veil  and  my  umbrell. 

Betsey,  I  always  thought  put  on  too  much  to  look 
well,  howsomever  everybody  to  their  own  mind. 


BETSEY  EXPLAINS.  269 

She  had  on  a  pale  blue  parmetta  dress,  with  flounces 
and  packers  onto  it,  a  overskirt  and  a  greek  bender  of 
the  same,  trimmed  with  checkered  delain,  cut  on  a 
biasin,'  a  close  fittin'  bask  of  the  delain,  which  was 
pink  and  yellow  plaid  and  which  was  pinked  out  on 
the  edge  with  a  machine.  She  had  on  a  white  bobbi- 
net  lace  hat,  jest  big  enough  to  cover  her  bump  of 
self-esteem,  trimmed  with  red  and  yellow  roses  and 
long  ends  of  otter  colored  ribbon  and  white  lace,  then 
she  had  long  cornelian  ear  rings,  a  string  of  beads 
round  her  neck,  and  a  locket  and  a  big  blue  breast 
pin  and  a  cornelian  cross.  A  pair  of  new  white  cotton 
gloves,  trimmed  with  two  rows  of  broad  white  cotton 
edgin'  five  cents  a  yard — for  I  seen  her  buy  it — and 
two  horsehair  bracelets.  And  with  her  new  teeth 
and  her  long  bran  new  tow  curls,  and  waterfalls  and 
frizzles  all  full  of  otter  colored  rosettes,  I  tell  you  she 
looked  gay. 

She  says  to  me  as  she  met  my  keen  gaze. 

"  I  don't  know  but  what  you  think  I  am  foolish 
Josiah  Allen's  wife,  in  enrobing  myself  in  my  best  a 
coming  on  the  road.  But  these  are  my  sentiments. 
I  knew  we  should  get  theah  before  night,  and  I 
should  proceed  at  once  to  Ebinezah's,  and  if  anything 
should  be  a  happening,  if  it  should  be  the  house  of 
mourning,  I  thought  it  would  be  so  comforting  to 
Ebinezah,  to  see  me  looking  beautiful  and  cheerful. 
You  know  theah  is  everything  in  first  impressions, 


270  A  SATISFYIN'  THOUGHT. 

"  I  mean  of  course,"  she  added  hastily,  that  I  am 
that  sorry  for  poor  lonely  widdowers  and  especially 
Ebinezah,  that  if  I  could  be  a  comfort  to  them,  I 
would  be  willing  to  sacrifice  a  tablespoonful  of  my 
heart's  best  blood,  much  moah  this  blue  parmetta 
dress.  These  are  my  sentiments  Josiah  Allen's 
wife." 

Says  I  "  coldly,  I  should  know  they  was  yours  Bet 
sey,  I  should  know  they  was  yours,  if  I  should  meet 
'em  in  my  porridge  dish." 

But  the  time  drew  near  for  the  cars  to  bear  me 
away  from  Josiah,  and  I  began  to  feel  bad. 

I  dont  believe  in  husbands  and  wives  partin*  away 
from  each  other,  one  livin'  in  Europe,  and  one  in 
New  York  village,  one  in  Wall  street,  and  the  other 
on  a  Long  Branch,  one  in  Boston,  and  the  other  in 
North  America.  As  the  poet  truly  observes, 

"When  the  cat  is  away  the  mice's  will  go  to 
play  in'." 

As  for  me,  I  want  my  husband  Josiah  where  I  can 
lay  my  hand  on  him  any  time,  day  or  night,  I  know 
then  what  he  is  about.  Though  so  far  as  jealousy  is 
concerned,  Bunker  Hill  'monument,  and  Plymouth 
Rock  would  be  jest  as  likely  to  go  to  flirtin'  and  cut- 
tin'  up,  as  either  of  us.  We  have  almost  cast  iron 
confidence  in  each  other.  But  still  it  is  a  sweet 
and  satisfyin'  thought  to  know  jest  where  your  con 
sort  is,  and  what  he  is  about,  from  hour  to  hour. 


THE  FIRST  PARTING  IN  is  YEARS  271 

Josiah  and  me  didn't  shed  no  tears  as  we  each  of 
us  parted,  though  our  hearts  ached  with  anguish  we 
both  of  us  felt  it  our  duty  to  be  calm.  I  felt  a  tear 
risin'  to  my  eye,  but  with  a  almost  fearful  effort  I 
choked  it  back  and  said  in  low  accents  as  we 
grasped  holt  of  each  others  hands  at  partin', 

"  Good  by,  Josiah,  remember  to  feed  the  hens,  and 
keep  the  suller  door  shet  up." 

He  too  struggled  nobly  for  composure  and  con» 
quered,  and  in  a  voice  of  marble  calm  he  said, 

"  Good  by  Samantha,  dont  spend  no  more  money 
than  is  necessary." 

The  Ingin  hitched  to  the  front  car  give  a  wild  yell, 
as  if  he  felt  our  two  woes — Josiah' s  and  mine — and  we 
parted  for  the  first  time  in  goin'  on  15  years. 

As  I  sunk  back  on  the  wooden  bottomed  car  seat, 
perfectly  onmanned  by  my  efforts  at  commandin' 
myself,  for  the  first  time  I  felt  regret  at  my  wild 
and  perilous  undertakin'. 


MEETING-  GRANT  AND  GOLF  AX. 


WE  had  to  change  cars  about  noon,  as  we  went  into 
the  depot  to  get  our  tickets,  the  ticket  man  looked 
so  kinder  lonesome  stuck  in  there  alone,  for  all  the 
world  as  if  he  had  done  somethin'  and  his  mother 
had  shet  him  up,  that  I  thought  I  would  make  a  little 
talk  with  him. 

He  favored  Celestine  Wilkins'es  hnsband  consider 
able,  jest  such  a  meachin'  lookin'  feller,  and  I  knew 
Celestine's  husband  had  a  brother  down  this  way 
somewhere,  and  so  to  kinder  open  a  conversation  with 
him,  I  asked  him  "  If  he  ever  had  any  relation  that 
married  a  girl  by  the  name  of  Gowdey  ? " 

You  ought  to  have  heard  how  that  feller  snapped 
me  up — he  couldn't  have  answered  me  any  shorter, 
if  I  had  asked  him  to  run  away  with  me. 

But  thinks'es  I  to  myself,  he  has  got  morbid 
through  lonesomness.  I  pitied  him  shet  up  alone 
there,  and  so  in  a  few  minutes  I  begun  agin. 

"I  didn't  know  but  he  was  your  brother,  he  has 
272 


SEVERAL  FOLKS  I  MEET  WITH.        273 

a  good  deal  such  a  meachin'  look  to  him,"  and  says  I, 
"  The  country  round  here  hain't  so  pleasant  as  Jones 
ville,  do  you  think  it  is  sir  1 " 
"He  didn't  know  or  care  nothin'  about  Jonesville," 

His  tone  was  sharper  than  that  sword  aged  two, 
that  the  bible  tells  of. 

Says  I,  "Young  man  you  needn't  take  my  head 
quite  off,  if  you  never  did  see  Jonesville  nor  had  any* 
Other  advantages.  I  hain't  to  blame  for  it."  And 
thinks'es  I  to  myself,  you  may  be  lonesome  for  all  of 
me,  you  may  die  of  lonesomness  for  all  I  care,  I 
shan't  try  to  make  any  more  talk  with  you  to  make 
your  time  pass  oif  easier. 

We  got  on  to  the  cars  agin  and  got  a  good  seat.  I 
wanted  to  set  by  an  open  winder,  and  Betsey  didn't. 
1  mistrnst  she  thought  the  wind  would  take  the  kink 
out  of  her  frizzles,  and  so  she  went  on  a  seat  or  2 
ahead  of  me.  There  was  a  lot  of  fashionable  lookin' 
folks  came  in  too,  and  one  of  'em  came  along  and  set 
right  down  in  the  seat  with  me,  the  cars  bein'  pretty 
full.  She  was  dressed  up  like  a  doll,  but  she  didn't 
act  stuck  up  a  mite,  my  opinion  is,  she  knew  what 
belonged  to  good  manners,  and  I  offered  her  some 
caraway,  for  I  liked  her  looks.  She  took  it  and 
thanked  me  for  it,  and  says  I  to  make  talk  with  her, 

"  Are  you  goin'  far  on  the  cars  ?  " 

She  said,  "  She  wasn't  goin'  far  on  this  route,  she 
was  goin'  to  a  waterin'  place." 

"Howfar?"savsl. 


274  TRAVELIN'  FOR  WATER. 

"  Oh  2  or  300  miles,"  says  she. 

"  Good  land !  "  says  I,  "  Can't  you  find  any  water 
nearer  hum  ?  Why,"  says  I,  "  I  should  think  you 
would  be  choked  before  you  got  there."  Says  I, 
"  Our  cistern  and  well  sometimes  gives  out  in  hot 
weather,  but  Josiah  always  draws  water  from  the 
creek,"  why  says  I,  fall  of  pity  for  her,  "  If  I  hadn't 
any  water  to  the  house,  and  nobody  to  draw  it  for  me 
I  should  rather  drive  myself  to  the  creek  and  water 
myself  3  times  a  day,  than  to  start  oft'  on  the  cars  so 
far  after  it  Howsumever  every  body  to  their  own 
mind." 

She  kinder  laughed  with  her  eyes,  and,  said  some- 
thin'  about  "  seasides  "  and  "  sea  bathin'  "  or  somethin' 
and  I  felt  it  was  my  duty  to  say  to  her, 

"  You  needn't  go  300  miles  for  that,  you  can  get 
good  seasides  to  Jonesville  for  75  cents.  Tirzah  Ann, 
Josiah's  girl  by  his  first  wife,  got  one  for  that.  I  don't 
wear  hats  myself,  except,"  says  I  with  dignity,  "in 
the  cause  of  Right  and  for  the  good  of  the  Human 
Race.  And  as  for  seein'  bathin',  I  myself  would  go 
the  other  way,  ruther  than  f oiler  it  up  ;  howsumever 
everybody  to  thier  own  taste."  But  I  kep'  thinkin' 
of  it,  and  I  couldn't  help  breakin'  out  agin,  and  speak- 
in'  my  mind ;  says  I,  in  a  good  deal  colder  accents,  "  I 
would  as  soon  go  to  a  horse  race — and  sooner,"  for  the 
more  I  thought  of  it  the  more  I  thought  that  no  vir 
tuous  woman  would  start  off  300  miles  to  see  bathin' 


A  CIGAR  WITHOUT  SMOKE.  275 

goin'  on.  I  acted  offish  after  that,  and  was  sorry  I  had 
give  her  the  caraway. 

Her  face  looked  red,  and  she  started  up  and  went 
back  and  sot  donn  by  some  of  her  mates,  and  I  was 
glad  she  did.  She  pretended  to  be  a  laughin',  and 
she  was  talkin'  to  'em  awful  busy  ;  but  I  see  one  eye 
wras  on  me  the  most  of  the  time — she  felt  guilty. 

At  the  very  next  station  house  two  fellers  come  in 
that  everybody  seemed  to  be  lookin'  at,  and  payin'  at 
tention  to.  But  they  didn't  seem  to  mind  it.  They 
come  in  and  sot  doun  right  in  the  seat  between  me 
and  Betsey. 

After  they  had  sot  doun,  one  of  ?em  took  a  cigar  out 
of  his  pocket,  and  put  it  in  his  mouth.  It  wasn't  lit, 
but  he  held  it  between  his  teeth  as  if  it  was  a  great 
comfort  to  him.  Thinks'es  I,  it  is  kinder  queer  works, 
but  I  can  stand  it  if  the  R.  R.  Company  can.  But 
Betsey  leaned  her  head  back,  and  says  to  him, 

"  Was  you  aware,  kind  sir,  that  cigars  was  confiscat 
ed  on  the  cars  ?" 

He  didn't  say  a  word,  but  held  on  to  it  with  his 
teeth  as  if  it  was  dreadful  comfortin'  to  him.  And 
she  asked  him  over  again.  But  not  a  word  did  he 
say.  1  guess  she  asked  him  five  times — but  not  a 
word  did  she  get  out  of  him.  And  then  she  turned  to 
the  feller  with  him,  the  smilin'  chap,  and  says  she, 

"  Is  your  companion  a  deaf  male  ?" 

He  smiled.     Agin  she  asked  him, 

"  Is  your  pardner  deprived  of  his  eahs  ?" 


276  THE  SMILIN'  STRANGER. 

"  Oh  no,"  says  lie,  "  lie  lias  got  ears,"  and  agin  he 
smiled. 

Thinks' es  I,  it  is  pretty  queer  works,  but  it  is  none 
of  my  business.  I  guess  we  had  rode  nigh  on  to  an 
hour  in  jest  that  way,  Betsey  kinder  oneasy  and  nest- 
lin'  round,  I  calm  and  placid  in  demeaniour  and 
one  of  the  men  between  us  a  holdin'  that  cigar  in  his 
mouth,  as  if  it  was  indeed  consolin',  and  the  other  one 
a  smilm'  blandly,  at  nothin'  in  particular.  Everybody 
in  the  cars  seemed  to  be  a  lookin'  at  'em,  and  thinks' es 
I,  it  is  no  wonder,  for  of  all  the  good  natured  lookin' 
men  I  ever  see,  he  is  the  cap  sheaf.  Thinks'es  I,  I 
wish  every  ticket  agent  in  the  world  could  have  his 
benine  face  to  hang  up  before  'em,  for  a  sampler,  for 
if  there  was  ever  a  race  that  had  the  appearance  of 
bein'  brought  up  on  vinegar  and  ten-penny  nails,  it  ia 
them. 

After  a  while,  I  got  kinder  hungry.  My  baskel 
hung  right  up  over  them  two  men,  and  I  rose  up,  and 
went  to  reach  up  for  it,  when  the  smilin'  chap  got  up 
a  smilin'  and  says  he  to  me,  u  Can't  I  assist  you,  mad 
am  ?"  and  he  readied  up  smilin'  as  sweet  as  a  rose,  to 
take  it  doun,  when  all  of  a  sudden  the  handle  slipped 
out  at  one  end,  and  doun  come  the  contents  right  on 
to  his  face,  One  nut  cake,  a  long,  slim  one,  sot  up 
straight  on  his  nose,  as  handsome  as  you  ever  see  a 
circus  man  ride  a  \vhite  horse.  But  most  mournful  oi 
all,  I  had  some  biled  eggs,  and  unbeknown  to  me,  Tir- 
zah  Ann  had  took  'em  out  too  quick,  before  they  was 


A  BAD  USE  OF  EGGS,  279 

much  more  than  warmed  through,  and  they  broke  on 
to  his  face  and  all  run  doun  into  his  whiskers.  But  if 
you  will  believe  it,  that  blessed  man  smiled. 

Thinks*is  I  to  myself,  "  Good  land  1  was  there  ever 
such  a  clever  critter  on  earth  P  I  handed  him  a 
clean  towel,  and  told  him  I  was  sorry.  But  he 
smiled,  and  said,  "  it  wasn't  any  matter,"  and  wiped 
his  sweetly  smilin'  face,  and  handed  the  towel  back 
smilin'." 

The  other  feller  never  said  a  word,  though  one  of 
the  eggs  broke  onto  the  legs  of  his  white  pantaloons. 
Jest  at  this  crisis,  a  tall  man  with  whiskers  came  up, 
and  said  somethin,  to  'em,  and  they  got  up  and  went 
to  the  other  end  of  the  car,  where  there  was  a  lot 
of  smart  lookin'  men.  As  they  went  by  me  the 
clever  feller  slipped  on  a  piece  of  orange  peel,  and  a 
most  fell.  But  if  you  will  believe  it,  the  critter 
smiled. 

I  see  that  all  of  them  smart  lookin'  men  acted 
dreadful  reverential  towards  the  two,  and  I  says  to  a 
bystander  behind  me, 

"  Can  you  tell  me  sir  who  that  clever  critter  is,  and 
the  other  one  ?  Says  he,  "  That  is  Skyler  Colfax,  and 
General  Grant." 

I  rose  right  up  in  my  seat,  for  at  the  mention  of 
them  two  honored  names,  such  emotions  rushed  onto 
me — that  it  drownded  out  fear,  and  all  the  shrinkin' 
bashfulness  of  my  sect,  and  I  forgot  in  that  wrapped 
moment  that  I  wasn't  Josiah,  and  I  advanced  right 


280  GRANT  AND  COLFAX. 

onwards  towards  them  two  noble  men.  Every  man 
round  'em  see  the  lofty  expression  onto  my  face,  and 
kinder  fell  back,  and  I  walked  right  up  and  gripped 
Skylers'es  hand  with  one  of  mine,  while  I  held  my 
umbrell  in  the  other  tremblin'  with  emotion. 

"  Skyler,  I  am  glad  Tirzah  Ann  took  'em  out  too 
quick." 

He  didn't  know  what  I  meant,  but  that  blessed  man 
smiled,  and  agin  I  spoke  in  the  same  tremblin'  tones. 

"  I  am  glad  they  was  rare  done." 

Agin  he  smiled,  and  agin  I  spoke,  and  I  mastered 
my  feelin's,  with  a  effort,  and  spoke  out  loud  and  clear, 

"  The  hen  that  laid  them  eggs,  never  shall  do  anoth 
er  day's  work  as  long  as  my  name  is  Josiah  Allen's 
wife.  I  know  jest  which  one  laid  'em,  for  old  speckle 
face's  eggs  are  so  big  that  we  always  keep  'em  for  our 
own  use."  Says  I,  "  it  makes  me  proud  and  happy 
to  think  I  am  the  owner  of  that  hen,  for  if  it  hadn't 
been  for  them  eggf,  I  never  should  have  felt  so  well 
acquainted  with  you.  If  it  hadn't  been  for  them  eggs 
that  broke  onto  your  good  and  honored  face,  I  never 
should  have  had  the  privilege  of  graspin'  holt  of  your 
hand  and  say  in'  to  you  what  I  now  say,  that  though 
goodness  and  patience  and  faithfulness  may  be  made 
light  of  by  some,  they  are  jest  what  is  goin'  to  carry 
Uncle  Sam  triumphant  onward,  with  a  smilin'  face,, 
when  the  egg  shells  of  uncivil  war  break  on  his  hon 
est  face,  and  thier  yelks  run  down  into  his  whiskers." 

Here  my  feelin's  almost  overcame  me  agin,  and  as 


"ULYSSES,  HOW  DO  YOU  DO?"  281 

he  smiled  at  me,  and  spoke  kinder  pleasant  tome — and 
smiled  agin,  I  turned  silently  away  and  grasped  holt 
of  General  Grant'ses  hand,  and  says  I,  in  still  more 
click  in'  accents — 

"  Ulysses  this  is  a  proud  day  for  Josiah  Allen's  wife," 
says  I,  "  Ulysses  how  do  you  do  ?" 

He  didn't  say  nothin'  but  nodded  kinder  pleasant 
to  me,  and  I  says  in  the  same  almost  tremblin  tones 
for  I  knew  he  thought  every  thing  of  his  relations. 
"  How  is  Mr.  Dents'es  folks,  are  they  all  enjoying  good 
health  ?"  He  nodded  agin  kinder  pleasant  but  didn't 
say  a  word,  and  I  proceeded  on — 

"Ulysses  you  have  freed  the  land  from  war  and 
bloodshed.  Wherever  the  smoke  of  that  peaceful  cigar 
has  smoked,  it  has  drove  before  it  the  blood  red  cloud 
of  war  and  treason."  But  says  I, "  that  haint  the  main 
reason  why  I  thought  you  ought  to  be  President,  and 
so  I  have  told  Josiah.  I  have  said  to  Josiah  more'na 
hundred  times  that  any  man  or  woman  ought  to  be 
President  that  knew  enough  not  to  talk  when  they 
hadn't  nothin'  to  say.  But — "  says  I,  for  even  in  that 
wrapped  moment  stern  principle  was  the  guide  of  J. 
Allen's  wife — "That  was  when  you  was  run  up  for  Pres 
ident  the  first  time ;  I  go  now  for  Horace  Greeley,  and 
so  does  Josiah." 

There  haint  nothin'  little  and  envious  about  Ulysses 
Grant,  he  didn't  act  mad  a  mite,  he  nodded  to  me 
agin  as  friendly  as  ever,  and  after  invitin'  them  both 


282  EFFECT  ON  BETSEY. 

iii  the  name  of  Josiah,  to  make  it  thier  home  with  us 
whenever  they  come  to  Jonesville,  and  sendin'  my 
best  respects  to  Julia  and  Mr.  Dents'es  folks,  and  Sky- 
lers'es  wife  Elliner,  I  retired  to  my  seat  and  sot  down. 

When  Betsey  discovered  who  I  had  been  talkin' 
with,  she  looked  wild  at  the  thought,  but  it  didn't 
rouse  in  her,  the  spontanious  emotions  of  patrotism  it 
did  in  me.  If  a  barell  has  been  filled  up  with  rain 
water,  you  can't  expect  to  tap  it  and  have  it  run  strong 
beer.  '  When  any  sudden  circumstance  taps  folks'es 
minds,  they  will  run  out  of  'em  jest  what  they  have 
been  filled  with,  no  more,  no  less.  My  mind  was  that 
filled  with  noble  emotions  of  admiration  and  patrot 
ism,  that  I  entirely  forgot  for  the  minute  that  I  was 
J.  Allen's  wife  from  Jonesville,  But  Betsey  all  the 
while  remembered  B.  Bobbet,  she  also  remembered 
her  poetry.  I  don't  believe  a  few  earthquakes  could 
make  her  forget  that,  her  first  words  was  after  she 
recovered  herself, 

"  I  will  make  General  Grant,  that  deah,  sweet  man, 
a  present.  Everybody  does,  that  wants  to  get  onto 
the  right  side  of  him.  I  will  give  him  a  piece  of  my 
poetry.  If  I  remember  rightly  I  have  got  one  in  my 
satchel  bag,  all  printed  out,  with  a  running  vine 
around  the  edges.  There  is  45  verses  of  it,  and  it 
is  on  the  war.  How  fortunate  that  I  brought  it 
along,"  And  as  she  dove  her  hands  into  her  satchel 
bag,  she  continued  dreamily, 

"  Mebby  he  is  that  liberal  and  generous  turn  with 


BETSEY  READS  A  POEM  TO  GEN.  GRANT      285 

his  own  folks,  that  after  he  has  read  it,  he  will  give 
it  to  some  of  his  wife's  relations.  Mebby  there  is  a 
few  widowehs  among  them,"  and  then  in  a  still 
more  dreamy  tone  she  murmured,  "  Betsey  B.  Dent, 
Washington,  D.  C."  But  anon  or  a  little  after,  she 
roused  out  of  this  revery  and  takin'  the  poetry  in 
her  hand,  she  started  down  the  car,  and  I  bein'  tired, 
leaned  my  head  back  against  the  side  of  the  seat,  and 
composed  myself  together. 

I  guess  I  had  most  got  into  a  nap,  when  I  heard  a 
loud  wrathful,  eloquent  voice,  seemin'ly  makin'  a 
speech  to  some  enimy.  It  started  me  up  so  that  I 
rose  right  up  onto  my  feet,  and  looked  round,  and 
there  was  that  noble  General,  standin'  up  with  his 
hands  extended,  lay  in'  it  down  strong  and  decided. 
I  knew  what  it  was  in  -J  a  minute,  Betsey  Bobbet 
had  done  what  a  five  years  uncivel  war  couldn't  do, 
nor  a  admirin'  nation  of  20  million  souls.  She  had 
got  him  to  makin'  a  speech,  while  Skyler  who  had 
smiled  stidely  for  upwards  of  40  years,  stood  lookin' 
on  with  a  dark  and  awfully  gloomy  frowm  onto  him. 

I  stood  silent  for  some  time  lost  in  the  sorrowful 
feelins  the  scene  called  forth,  and  then  almost  over 
come  with  my  pity  for  them,  I  wended  my  way 
towards  them.  As  I  drew  nearer  to  them,  I  heard  his 
words  which  he  was  pourin'  out  so  eloquently  and 
fluently,  "Let  us  have  peace,  Carft  we  have  peace  ?  " 
he  was  yellin'  in  such  harrowin'  tones,  that  there 

wasn't  hardly  a  dry  eye  in  my  head  as  I  listened. 
12 


286  LET  US  HAVE  PEACE. 

"  Have  I  escaped  from  the  horrible  danger  of  war, 
have  I  survived  the  open  bullets  of  my  enimies,  and 
the  well  nieanin'  but  almost  fatal  arrows  of  my 
friends,  to  expier  in  this  way  ?  To  perish  by  poetry  ? 
Is  there  no  sucker  for  me  ?  Cant  we  have  peace  ?"  he 
screamed  in  a  loud  preachin'  tone  as  he  ketched  sight 
of  me,  "  Cant  we  have  it,  say  f" 

He  was  almost  deletions.  But  I  laid  my  hand  on 
his  agitated  elbow,  and  says  I  in  soothin'  tones. 

"  Yes  Ulysses,  you  shall  have  a  piece,  you  shall, 
Josiah  Allen's  wife  will  see  to  it,  you  shall  have  a 
piece." 

And  then  I  leaned  down  and  whispered  a  few  words 
into  Betsey  Bobbett's  left  ear,  and  she  turned 
quicker'n  a  flash,  and  gathered  up  her  poetry  and 
rushed  into  the  forward  car. 

As  she  disapeared,  Skvler'ses  face  changed  from 
that  gloomy  sinister  frown,  and  agin  he  put  on  that 
smile  that  was  upwards  of  40  years  old,  but  was  still 
so  sweet  and  fresh  that  I  knew  it  was  good  for 
another  40  years — and  the  General  grasped  me  by 
the  hand  sayin'  in  agitated  tones, 

"  There  was  upwards  of  50  of  'em,  and  she  would 
read  'em."  Says  I  soothingly,  "  T  wouldn't  think  of 
it  Ulysses,  it  is  all  over  now.  I  was  glad  to  show  the 
gratitude  the  nation  owes  to  you.  I  was  glad  of  the 
chance  to  befriend  you." 

"  Angel !"  says  he  almost  warmly.     But  I  interupt- 


BETSEY  OVERCOME  BY  STRATEGY.  287 

ed  him  by  savin'  in  a  tone  of  dignity.  "  I  honor  and 
respect  you  deeply  Ulysses — but  in  the  two  names  of 
J  ulia  and  Josiah,  I  must  forbid  your  callin'  me  angel, 
or  any  other  pet  name." 

I  knew  it  was  only  his  deep  gratitude  to  me  for 
rescuin'  him  from  his  peril  that  made  him  say  it,  for  he 
and  Julia  think  the  world  of  each  other.  And  the 
good  solid  principles,  colored  and  morally  struck  in 
with  tan  bark  in  his  early  life,  the  muddy  waters  of 
political  life  haint  been  able  to  wash  out,  nor  the  gilt 
tinsel  of  fashionable  life  to  cover  up  and  destroy.  I 
knew  that  even  there  in  Washington  Avenue,  among 
all  the  big  men  there,  he  loved  his  wife,  jest  as  much 
as  if  it  was  the  fashion  to  love  'em.  I  knew  all  this, 
but  still  I  felt  that  I  must  speak  as  I  did,  for  princi 
ple  with  J.  Allen's  wife — as  I  have  remarked  more 
formally — is  all  in  all. 

I  then  turned  and  followed  Betsey,  not  knowin' 
but  what  she  would  be  a  comin'  back.  What  I  whis 
pered  in  her  left  ear  was  this,  that  her  back  hair  was 
comin'  down,  and  she  bein'  so  bald,  I  knew  it  would 
fetch  her  down  like  a  arrow  in  her  breast. 

They  left  at  the  next  Station  House,  and  Betsey 
and  me  proceeded  onwards  to  New  York  village  with 
no  farther  coincidences. 


AT  NEW  YORK,  ASTERS'ES  TAVERN. 


THE  cars  didn't  bust  up  nor  break  down,  which  sur 
prised  me  some,  but  which  I  felt  was  indeed  a 
blessin',  and  at  ^  past  six  Betsey  and  me  stood  on 
the  platform  of  the  depott  at  New  York  village.  As 
we  stood  there  I  would  have  swapped  my  last  new 
cross  barred  muslin  night  cap  in  my  satchel  bag  on 
my  arm  for  a  pair  of  iron  ears.  I  should  have  been 
glad  of  the  loan  of  a  old  pair  for  16  seconds,  if  I 
couldn't  got  'em  no  longer,  the  noise  was  so  dis- 
tractin'  and  awful. 

Says  I  to  myself,  "  Am  I  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  or 
am  I  not  2"  some  of  the  time  I  thought  I  was  Josiah, 
I  was  so  destracted.  But  though  inwardly  so  tosted 
up  and  down,  I  kep  a  cool  demeaniour  outside  of  me. 
I  stood  stun  still,  firmly  graspin'  my  satchel  bag,  my 
umberell  and  my  green  cap  box — with  my  best  head 
dress  in  it,  till  I  had  collected  myself  together,  rec- 

olected  what  my  name  was,  and  where  I  was  a  goin'. 

288 


A  FAMILIAR  STRANGER.  289 

When  my  senses  come  back  I  thought  to  myself  truly 
Josiah  wasn't  so  far  out  of  the  way  when  he  worried 
over  old  Tammany,  for  of  all  the  shameless  and 
brazen  set,  on  the  face  of  the  earth,  that  set  a  howlin' 
round  Betsey  Bobbet  and  me  was  the  shamelessest 
and  brazenest. 

Now  I  am  naturally  pretty  offish  and  retirin'  in  my 
ways,  with  strange  men  folks.  I  think  it  is  beeomin' 
in  a  woman  to  be  so,  instead  of  bold.  Now  when  we 
sot  sail  from  Jonesville,  after  we  got  well  to  ridin',  a 
man  came  through  the  cars,  a  perfect  stranger  to  me, 
but  he  reached  out  his  hand  to  shake  hands  with  me, 
jest  as  friendly  and  famelier  as  if  I  was  his  step  moth 
er.  But  I  didn't  ketch  holt  of  his  hand,  as  some 
wimmen  would,  I  jest  folded  up  my  arms,  and  says  I, 
coolly, 

"  You  have  got  the  advantage  of  me." 

But  he  never  took  the  hint,  there  he  stood  stun 
still  in  front  of  me  holdin'  out  his  hand.  And  seem' 
there  was  a  lot  of  folks  lookin'  on,  and  not  wantin'  to 
act  odd,  I  kinder  took  holt  of  his  hand  and  shook  it 
slightly,  but  at  the  same  time  says, 

"  Who  under  the  sun  you  are  I  dont  know — but 
you  seem  determined  to  get  acquainted  with  me. 
Mebby  you  are  some  of  his  folks  I  haint  never  seen — 
are  you  related  to  Josiah  on  the  Allen  side  or  on 
the  Daggett  side  ?"  Josiah's  mother  was  a  Daggett. 

But  before  I  could  say  any  more  he  spoke  up  and 


290  WILL  YOU  HAVE  A  BUS  ? 

said  all  he  wanted  was  my  ticket.  I  was  glad  then  I 
had  acted  offish.  For  as  I  say,  I  dont  believe  in  wim- 
men  puttin'.  themselves  forward  and  actin'  bold.  Not 
that  that  stands  in  the  way  of  their  modistly  claim-in' 
their  honest  rights.  I  have  seen  enough  boldness 
used  by  a  passel  of  girls  at  one  huskin'  bee,  or  apple 
cut,  to  supply  4  presedential  elections,  and  the  same 
number  of  female  caurkusses,  and  then  have  5  or  6 
baskets  full  left.  Havein'  these  modest  and  reserved 
feelins'  in  my  soul — as  firm  as  firm  iron — what  was 
my  feelins'  as  I  stood  there  on  that  platform,  when  a 
great  tall  villian  walked  up  to  me  and  yelled  right  up 
close  to  my  bunnet, 

"  Will  you  have  a  bus  mom  ?" 

If  that  man  had  the  privilege  of  livin'  several  hun 
dred  years,  he  would  say  at  the  last  100,  that  lie 
never  forgot  the  look  I  gave  him  as  he  uttered 
these  infamous  words  to  me.  It  was  a  look  calculated 
to  scorch  a  man  to  his  very  soul.  It  was  a  look  cal 
culated  and  designed  to  make  a  man  sigh  for  some 
small  knot  hole  to  creep  through  and  hide  him  from 
tJie  gaze  of  wimmen.  I'll  bet  2  cents  that  he  wont 
insult  another  women  in  that  way  very  soon.  I  give 
him  a  piece  of  my  mind  that  he  wont  forget  in  a 
hurry.  I  told  him  plainly,  "  That  if  I  wasn't  a 
married  women  arid  a  Methodist,  and,  was  free  to  kiss 
who  I  was  a  mind  to,  I  had  jest  as  lives  kiss  a  ana- 
condy,  or  a  boyconstructor,  as  him,"  and  I  says  in 


BETSEY  HOPES  FOR  A  HOME.         291 

conclusion,  "mebby  you  tliink  because  Josiali  liaint 
here  to  protect  me,  you  can  talk  to  me  as  you  are  a 
mind  to.  But,  says  I,  "  if  I  haint  got  Josiali  with 
me  I  have  got  a  good  stout  umberell."  He  quailed 
silently,  and  while  he  was  a  quailin'  I  turned  to 
Betsey,  and  asked  her  if  she  was  ready  to  start 
along,  for  as  true  as  I  live  and  breathe,  I  was  afraid 
Betsey  was  so  of  that  clingin  turn,  that  she  would  be 
a  kissen'  some  of  them  men  in  spite  of  my  teeth, 
for  thier  was  a  lot  of  'em  besettin'  her  for  a  bus. 
A  yellin'  round  her  "have  a  bus?3'  Have  a  bus?" 
Jest  as  if  that  was  jest  what  Betsey  and  me  had 
come  from  Jonesville  for.  The  miserable — lowlived 
creeters. 

Betsey  seemed  to  kinder  hate  to  go,  but  I  started 
her  off.  For  no  burdock  bur  ever  stuck  to  a  horse's 
mane,  as  Josiali  Allen's  wife  sticks  to  a  companion,  a 
drawin'  'em  along  with  her  in  the  cause  of  Eight.  As 
we  wended  our  way  along,  walkin'  afoot,  she  wanted 
to  know  what  tavern  I  was  a  goin'  to  put  up  to,  and  I 
told  her  "  Mr.  and  Miss  Asters'es  tavern."  Says  she, 
"  If  it  was  not  jest  as  it  was,  I  would  ask  you  to  go  to 
cousin  Ebenezah's  with  me.  But  in  the  future  it  may 
be  I  shall  be  freer  to  act,  than  I  be  now.  If  I  was  a 
married  female  and  had  a  home  of  my  own  heah,  how 
happy  I  should  be  to  welcome  Jonesville  to  its  blessed 
presincts.  As  deah  Tuppah  observes— 

But  I  interrupted  her  by  sayin'  coolly,  "  Betsey,  I 


292  A  VEGETABLE  WIDOW. 

have  made  up  my  mind  to  put  up  to  Mr.  Aster'ses, 
for  Johnothan  Beans'es  ex-wife,  Josiah's  2nd  cousin, 
is  Miss  Aster'ses  hired  girl." 

"  Is  she  a  widow  ?"  says  Betsey. 

"  She  does  a  little  in  that  line,"  says  I  in  a  cautious 
tone.  "  She  is  a  vegetable  widow."  I  wasn't  goin' 
to  say  "  grass  widow  "  right  out,  though  she  is  clear 
grass.  For  her  husband,  Johnothan  Bean,  run  away 
with  another  woman  3  years  ago  this  comin'  fall,  It 
was  all  printed  out  in  the  World  at  the  time.  At  that 
very  minute  we  turned  on  to  Broadway,  and  Betsey 
was  a  sailin'  on  ahead  of  me  in  gay  spirits,  a  laughin', 
and  a  talkin',  and  a  quotin'  Tupper,  jest  as  happy  as 
you  please.  But  as  we  turned  the  corner,  I  stopped 
her  by  ketchin'  holt  of  her  Greek  bender,  and  says  I, 

"  I'd  have  a  little  respect  into  me,  Betsey  Bobbet," 
says  I.  "  Less  stand  still  here,  till  the  funeral  proces 
sion  goes  by." 

So  we  put  a  funeral  look  onto  our  faces,  and  stood 
still  a  spell,  and  they  streamed  by.  I  thought  my  soul 
there  was  no  end  to  the  mourners.  It  seems  as  if  we 
stood  there  decently  and  in  order,  with  a  solemn  look 
onto  our  faces,  becomin'  the  solemn  occasion,  for  pretty 
nigh  ^  an  hour.  Finally  I  whispered  to  Betsey,  and 
says  I, 

"  Betsey,  did  you  ever  see  such  a  gang  of  mourners 
in  your  life  ?" 

I  see  her  eyes  looked  kinder  sot  in  her  head,  and 
she  seemed  to  be  not  really  sensin'  what  I  said.  She 


WAITIN'  FOB  THE  PROCESSION  TO  PASS.  293 

looked  strange.  Finally  says  she,  "It  is  a  sorrowful 
time,  I  am  composin'  a  funeral  owed,  and  I  will  repeat 
it  to  you  soon." 

I  wanted  to  get  her  mind  oifen  that  idee,  and  I  con* 
tinned  on  a  talkin', 

"It  must  be  some  awful  big  man  that  is  dead. 
Like  as  not  it  is  the  Governor  of  the  United  States 
or  some  deacon  or  other.  Do  see  'em  stringin'  along. 
But  how  some  of  the  mourners  are  a  behavin',  and 
how  gay  some  of  the  wiinmen  are  dressed.  If  1  had 
known  there  was  goin'  to  be  a  funeral  in  the  village, 
while  I  was  here,  some  of  the  mourners  might  have 
had  my  black  bombazeen  dress,  and  my  crape  viel 
jest  as  well  as  not.  I  always  make  a  practice  of 
lendin'  'em  on  funeral  occasions." 

Jest  then  a  little  boy  came  sailin'  by,  with  a  segar 
in  his  mouth  almost  as  big  as  he  was.  And  I 
ketched  holt  of  him,  arid  whispered  to  him, 

"  Bub  who  is  dead  ?  "  and  says  I,  "  be  you  one  of 
the  mourners  ? " 

"  Yes,  old  lady,"  says  he,  in  a  impudent  tone,  "  I 
am  out  on  ?  chort  mourn." 

If  it  hadn't  been  for  the  mournful  occasion,  and 
for  gettin'  off'en  my  dignity,  I  would  have  spanked 
him,  then  and  there ;  he  laughed  so  impudent  at  me. 
But  I  let  him  go  on,  and  then  I  took  out  my  snowy 
25  cent  linen  handkerchief  and  wiped  off  my  heated 
face,  and  says  I  to  Betsey, 

"  I  am  wore  out ;  there  hain't  no  end  to  this  pro- 
12* 


294  MR.  ASTERS 'ES  TAVERN. 

cession  seemin'ly,  we  may  as  well  go  on,  for  I  am 
beat  out,  we  shall  act  as  well  as  some  of  the 
mourners  do  any  way,  if  we  do  walk  on."  So  we 
wended  on.  Betsey's  cousin  lived  not  a  great  ways 
from  Miss  Asters'es,  only  it  was  down  a  little  ways 
another  street,  up  over  a  store.  I  told  her  "  I  guessed 
I  wouldn't  climb  up  them  grocery  stairs,  I  was  so 
tuckered  out,  and  then  Miss  Aster  would  most  prob 
able  have  supper  about  ready,  and  I  didn't  want  to 
have  her  fuss  to  set  the  table  over  for  me,  or  steep 
her  tea  over,  and  I  felt  that  a  cup  of  tea  I  must  have." 

I  was  kinder  dreadin'  goin'  in  alone,  not  bein' 
acquainted  with  Miss  Aster,  and  I  don't  know  when  I 
have  been  tickleder,  than  I  was  to  meet  Jonothan 
Beans'es  ex-wife,  right  on  the  sidewalk.  She  was 
real  glad  to  see  me  too,  for  I  befriended  her  when 
she  first  went  to  grass,  (as  it  was)  I  took  her  right  in 
for  3  weeks,  and  give  her  2  pair  of  seamed  stockins, 
and  a  lot  of  other  things  for  her  comfort. 

She  went  right  back  with  me.  Of  all  the  big 
houses  I  ever  see,  Mr.  Asters'es  house  beat  everything. 
I  was  determined  not  to  act  green  and  be  a  askin' 
questions,  and  so  I  didn't  say  a  word.  But  I  spose 
from  the  size  of  it,  that  Mr.  Aster  lets  part  of  it  for 
meetin'  houses,  and  mebby  they  have  a  few  select 
schools  in  it,  and  a  few  lunatick  asylums,  I  should 
think  they  would  need  Jem,  such  a  noise.  But  I 
didn't  say  a  word. 

Jonothan  Beans'es  ex-wife  told  me  I  must  put  my 


THE  REGISTER.  295 

name  down  on  the  Register  before  I  went  to  my 
room,  I  didn't  object,  nor  I  didn't  ask  no  questions, 
but  I  kep  a  pretty  good  look  out.  "Register!"  I 
knew  I  had  heard  somethin'  that  sounded  like  that, 
connected  with  deeds,  and  I  wasn't  goin'  to  sign 
away  my  property.  I  didn't  know  as  it  was  so,  but 
I  did  have  my  thoughts,  that  mebby  somebody  had 
told  'em  I  was  comein'  to  the  village,  and  they  was 
tryin'  to  get  me  to  sign  away  my  thirds,  there  is  so  much 
iniquity  in  the  world.  But  I  kep  my  thoughts  to 
myself,  and  kep  my  eyes  open.  I  jest  looked  over 
the  book  pretty  sharp,  before  I  put  my  name  down, 
and  I  see  it  was  all  right.  My  room  was  on  the 
5th  story,  and  I  told  J.  Beans'es  ex-wife  that  how 
I  was  goin'  to  climb  up  them  stairs  I  didn't  know,  I 
was  so  tuckered  out,  I  was  sorry  the  minute  I  said 
it,  for  I  was  afraid  she  would  go  and  tell  Miss  Aster, 
and  Miss  Aster  would  give  up  her  bedroom  to  me,  or 
mebby  she  would  make  Mr.  Aster  sleep  with  one  of 
the  boys,  and  have  me  sleep  with  her,  and  I  wouldn't 
have  her  put  herself  out  for  the  world.  And  I  spoke 
up  and  says  I, 

"  I  guess  I  can  weather  it  some  way." 

And  she  spoke  up  and  says  she,  "Here  is  the 
elevater,  be  carried  up." 

There  was  a  big  nigger  comin'  right  towards  us, 
and  I  thought  she  meant  him,  for  they  have  been  called 
such  funny  names  ever  since  the  war,  that  I  thought 


296  THE  ELEVATOR. 

likely  "  Elevater  "  was  one  of  'em.  But  I  jest  put  my 
foot  right  doun  to  once,  says  I  firmly, 

4<  I  haint  a  goin'  to  be  lugged  up  stairs  by  that  nig 
ger."  And  then  I  was  so  afraid  that  he  would  hear  it, 
and  it  would  hurt  his  feelins,  that  I  spoke  right  up 
pretty  loud,  and  says  I, 

"  It  haint  on  account  of  the  gentleman's  dark  com 
plexion  at  all,  that  I  object.  But  I  don't  think  Josiah 
would  like  it,  to  have  any  other  man  carryin'  me  round 
in  his  arms." 

But  Jolmothan  Beans'es  ex-wife  explained  it  to  me. 
There  was  a  little  room  about  as  big  as  our  smoke 
house,  all  fixed  off  neat  as  a  pin,  and  all  we  had  to  do 
was  to  git  in,  and  then  we  was  histed  right  up  in  front 
of  our  room.  I  was  awful  glad  to  be  carried  up,  but 
I  have  got  some  pity  left  into  me,  and  I  says  to  her, 
says  I, 

"  Haint  it  awful  hard  for  the  man  that  is  drawin'  us 
up  ?"  Says  I,  "  Is  it  Mr.  Aster,  or  is  it  his  hired  man  ? " 
and  says  I,  "  does  he  do  it  with  a  windlass,  like  a  well 
bucket  ?  or  hand  over  hand,  like  drawin'  up  water  out 
of  a  cistern  with  a  pole  ?" 

Johnathan  Beans'es  ex-wife  said  it  was  done  by  ma 
chinery,  and  she  said,  for  I  asked  her  the  first  thing, 
"  that  there  wasn't  no  funeral,  that  there  was  jest  such 
a  crowd  every  day."  I  didn't  believe  her,  but  I  was 
too  beat  out  to  contend.  And  glad  enough  was  I,  to 
stretch  my  weary  limbs  in  a  rockin'  chair.  J.  Beans'es 


FIRST  THOUGHTS  IN  THE  MORNIN'.  297 

ex-wife  said  she  would  fetch  me  up  a  cup  of  tea,  and 
my  supper  to  me.     She  haint  forgot  the  past. 

She  told  me  when  she  left  me  that  night,  to  be 
dreadful  careful  about  the  gass,  and  not  blow  it  out ; 
she  told  me  jest  how  it  was  done,  and  I'll  bet  Mrs. 
Aster  herself  couldn't  do  it  any  neater,  for  I  thought 
of  Josiah,  and  the  thought  of  that  man  nerved  me  to 
do  it  right,  so  as  not  to  die  and  leave  him  a  gass  wid 
ower,  and  a  lonely  man. 

When  I  waked  up  in  the  inornin'  such  a  noise  as  I 
heard.  Why,  I  have  thought  sometimes  when  I  was 
sleepy,  that  our  old  rooster  "  Hail  the  Day  "  makes  an 
awful  sight  of  noise.  But  good  land !  if  all  the  roos 
ters  in  the  United  States  and  Boston,  had  roosted 
right  under  my  window,  they  couldn't  have  begun 
with  it.  My  first  thought  as  I  leaped  out  of  bed  was, 
"  Jonesville  is  afire."  Then  recollectin'  myself,  I  grew 
calmer,  and  thought  mebby  Miss  Aster  had  got  break 
fast  ready,  and  was  a  hollerin  to  me.  And  growin' 
still  more  composed,  I  gin  up  that  the  tramplin'  and 
hollerin'  was  doun  in  the  street.  As  I  dressed  me,  I 
lay  out  my  work  for  the  day ;  thinks'es  I,  "  Betsey 
Bobbet  will  be  so  took  up  with  her  mission  to  her 
cousin  Ebenezer's,  that  I  shall  be  rid  of  her-"  It  was 
a  sweet  thought  to  me,  and  I  smiled  as  I  thought  it. 
But  alas !  as  the  poet  well  observes,  "  How  little  we 
know  what  is  ahead  of  us."  Thinks'es  I,  as  I  turned 
the  screw  and  let  the  water  outen  the  side  of  the  house 


298  PLANS  LAID  FOR  THE  DAT. 

to  wash  me,  (Johnothan  Beans'es  ex-wife  had  showed 
me  how  the  night  before,)  I  must  do  all  I  can  this  day 
in  the  cause  of  Eight.  If  I  get  that  destracted  here 
that  I  am  threatened  with  luny,  and  have  to  leave  he- 
fore  my  time  comes,  I  will  go  where  duty  calls  me 
first  and  most.  I  should  have  been  glad  to  have  look 
ed  round  the  village,  and  got  acquainted  with  some  of 
Miss  Aster'ses  neighbors,  but  though  I  felt  that  the 
neighborin'  wimmen  might  think  I  was  real  uppish 
and  proud  sperited,  still  I  felt  that  I  could  better 
stand  this  importation  than  to  desert  the  cause  of 
"Right  for  •£  a  minute.  I  felt  that  Horace,  although 
nearly  perfect  in  every  other  respect,  needed  Josiah 
Allen's  wife's  influence  on  a  subject  dear  to  that  fe 
male's  heart.  And  I  felt  that  that  deluded  Miss  Wood- 
hull  needed  a  true  and  pure  principled  female  to  show 
her  plainly  where  she  stood.  Then  I  laid  out  to  go 
to  Isabella  Beecher  Hooker'ses.  And  the  time  was 
short,  I  knew  with  every  fresh  roar  of  destraction  that 
come  up  from  the  street  below,  that  the  time  of  my 
stay  in  that  village  was  short. 

I  was  so  almost  lost  in  these  thoughts,  that  I  didn't 
see  how  late  it  was  a  gettirr.  I  had  overslept  myself 
in  the  first  place,  bein*  so  tuckered  out  the  night  be 
fore,  and  thinks'es  I  all  of  a  sudden, 

"  "What  will  Miss  Aster  think,  my  keepin'  her  from 
eatin'  her  breakfast  so  long  ?" 

But  inwardly,  my  mind   was   some   composed   by 


THE  BREAKFAST  TABLES.  299 

thinkin'  it  was  principle  that  had  belated  me.  So  I 
sailed  doun  stairs.  I  had  put  on  my  best  clothes,  my 
headdress  looked  foam  in',  my  overskirt  stood  out  noble 
round  my  form.  And  it  was  with  a  peaceful  mind 
though  some  destracted  by  the  noise,  that  I  wended 
my  way  to  the  breakfast  table. 

But  instead  of  all  of  us  a  settin'  to  one  table  with 
Miss  Aster  to  the  head,  a  pourin-  out  tea,  there  was 
I'll  bet,  more'n  a  hundred  little  tables,  with  folks  set- 
tin'  round  'em,  a  eatin',  and  waiters  a  goin'  all  round 
amongst  'em,  a  waitin'  on  'em.  And  every  man  wait 
er  had  got  on  one  of  his  wives  white  bib  aprons. 
Thinks'es  I  to  myself,  what  a  tussle  I  should  have 
with  Josiah,  to  get  him  to  wear  one  of  my  aprons 
round  the  house  when  I  had  company  ;  he  is  awful  sot 
aginst  wearin'  aprons,  it  is  all  1  can  do  to  get  one  on 
to  him  when  he  is  a  churnin'. 

Johnothan  Beans'es  ex-wife  ketched  my  eye,  as  I 
went  in,  and  she  came  and  sot  me  doun  to  a  little  table 
where  there  wasn't  nobody.  And  then  she  was  drawed 
off  by  somebody  and  left  me  alone.  And  I  spoke  out 
loud  to  myself, 

"  I'd  like  to  know  what  I  am  goin'  to  eat,  unless  I 
lay  to  and  eat  stun  china  and  glass  ware."  And  ketch- 
in'  sight  of  the  pepper  box,  I  exclaimed  almost  con 
vulsively, 

"  I  never  was  much  of  a  hand  to  eat  clear  pepper, 
and  nothin'  else." 

A  nigger  come  up  to  me  at  that  minute,  and  said 


300  AN  INSULT  TO  MY  VORACITY. 

somethin'  in  a  frenchified  accent  about  a  cart  bein'  on 
my  plate,  or  somethin'  about  a  cart,  and  I  see  in  a 
minute  that  he  wanted  to  make  out — because  I  come 
from  the  country — that  I  wanted  a  cart  load  of  vittles. 
I  don't  know  when  I  have  been  madder.  Says  I, 

"You  impudent  creeter,  you  think  because  I  am 
from  the  country,  and  Josiah  haint  with  me,  that  you 
can  impose  upon  me.  Talk  to  me,  will  you,  about  my 
wantin'  a  cart  load  of  vittles  ?  I  should  be  glad,"  says 
I  in  a  sarcastic  tone,  "  I  should  be  glad  to  get  some- 
thin'  a  little  more  nourishm'  than  a  three  tined  fork 
and  a  towel  to  eat,  but  I  don't  seem  to  run  much  chance 
of  gettin'  on  it  here." 

Before  he  had  time  to  say  anything,  J.  Beans'es  ex- 
wife  came  Up,  and  said  somethin'  to  me  about  lookin' 
at  "  Bill  the  Fair.'1  I  looked  down  on  the  table,  and 
noticed  then  for  the  first  time  that  there  was  a  piece 
of  poetry  layin'  there,  seemin'ly  cut  out  of  some  news 
paper,  I  see  that  she  wanted  me  to  read  it,  but  I  told 
her,  "  That  I  wasn't  much  of  a  hand  for  poetry  any 
way,  and  Betsey  Bobbet  wrote  so  much  that  it  made 
me  fairly  sick  of  it,"  and  besides,  says  I,  "  I  have  left 
my  specks  up  stairs,  I  forgot  'em  till  I  got  most  down 
here." 

But  jest  then  I  happened  to  think,  mebby  she  had 
wrote  it  herself,  I  dont  want  to  hurt  nobody's  feelins', 
and  says  I,  in  a  pleasant  tone, 

"  I  presume  "  Bill  the  Fair,"  is  a  good  piece  of 
poetry,  and  if  you  haint  no  objection,  I  will  take  it 


STOKE  TEA.  301 

home  with  me,  and  put  it  into  Tirzah  Ann's  scrap 
book."  She  started  off  before  I  fairly  got  through 
speakin'  and  I  folded  up  the  poetry  and  put  it  into 
my  pocket,  and  in  a  minute's  time  back  she  came  with 
some  first  rate  Tittles.  She  knows  what  I  like  jest  as 
well  as  I  do,  havin'  lived  with  us  a  spell,  as  I  said, 
when  she  first  went  to  grass.  She  knowrs  jest  what  a 
case  I  am  for  store  tea ;  but  she  asked  me  what  kind 
of  tea  I  wanted,  and  I  spoke  right  out  before  I 
thought, 

"  Anything  but  sage  tea,  I  cant  bear  that." 
But  then  I  happened  to  think  I  see  they  was  all  a 
drinkin'  coffee  round  me,  I  knew  they  was  by  the 
smell.  And  I  thought  mebby  from  her  speakin'  to 
me  in  that  way  that  she  meant  to  give  me  a  little  hint 
that  Miss  Aster  was  out  of  store  tea,  and  says  I,  kinder 
loud  for  she  had  started  off.  "  If  Miss  Aster  is  short 
on  it  for  store  sea,  she  needn't  fuss  for  me,  she 
need'nt  borry  any  on  my  account,  I  can  drink  sage 
tea  if  I  set  out  to." 

But  I  thought  to  myself,  that  I  had  rather  have 
brought  a  drawin'  of  tea  in  my  pocket  clear  from 
Jonesville,  than  to  have  gone  without  it ;  while  I  was 
jest  thinkin'  this,  Jonothan  Beans'es  ex-wife  came 
back  with  a  first  rate  cup  of  tea,  strong  enough  to 
bear  up  a  egg. 

The  more  1  looked  round  and  see  the  droves  of 
hungry  folks,  the  sorrier  I  felt  for  Miss  Aster.  And 
I  spoke  to  J.  Beans'es  ex-wife  as  she  brought  me  my 


302  A  PARTY  OF  FASHIONABLES. 

last  vittles,  says  I,  "  If  there  is  a  woman  on  the  face 
of  the  hull  earth  I  am  sorry  for,  it  is  Miss  Aster,  how 
on  earth  can  she  ever  cook  enough  to  till  this  drove 
of  folks  ?  "  says  I,  t:  How  can  she  ever  stand  up  under 
it  ? "  And  carried  almost  away  with  my  sympathy, 
I  says  to  Jonothan  Beans'es  ex-wife, 

"Yon  tell  Miss  Aster  from  me  that  she  needn't 
make  no  fuss  about  the  dinner  at  all,  I  will  eat  a 
picked  up  dinner,  I  had  jest  as  lives  as  not,  I  didn't 
come  down  here  to  put  her  out  and  make  her  any 
trouble." 

I  heard  a  little  noise  to  one  side  of  me,  and  I  looked 
round  and  there  was  a  feller  and  two  girls  a  snickerin1 
and  laughin',  right  at  me.  They  was  rigged  out 
awful  fashionable,  but  I.  guess  their  brains  had  run  to 
their  hair  mostly,  the  girls  on  their  heads,  and  hisen 
on  his  face,  such  sights  of  it.  But  I  don't  believe 
they  was  very  well  off,  for  every  one  of  'em  had  broke 
one  eye  off  en  their  spectacles,  and  they  lifted  up  that 
one  eye,  and  looked  at  me  through  it,  a  laughin'  at 
the  same  time  as  if  they  would  split  But  it  didn't 
put  me  out  a  bit,  T  glared  back  at  'em,  as  sharp  as 
they  did  at  me,  and  says  I, 

"  Laugh  away  if  you  want  to,  I  know  what  it  is  to 
cook  over  a  hot  cook  stove  in  the  summer  time,  it  tuck 
ers  anybody  out,  even  if  they  have  got  good  help,  and 
I  am  sorry  for  Miss  Aster." 

They  snickered  worse  than  ever,  and  I  got  mad,  and 
says  I, 


THE  WATER  LEFT  RUNNING  303 

"  I  don't  wonder  you  laugh  !  there  haint  no  more 
pity  and  humanity  in  the  whole  lot  on  you,  than  there 
is  in  a  three  tined  pitchfork,  and  no  wonder  when  you 
see  somebody  that  has  got  a  little  pity  and  generosity 
into  'em,  it  is  more  of  a  amusement  and  novelty  to  you 
than  a  circus  would  be.'' 

As  I  said  this,  I  rose  up  in  almost  fearful  dignity, 
and  sailed  away  from  the  table  up  to  my  room. 

As  I  opened  the  door  I  heard  a  dreadful  curious 
noise,  a  kind  of  a  gurglin'  gushin'  Round,  and  when  I 
opened  the  door,  of  all  the  freshets  I  ever  see,  I  had 
forgot  to  turn  back  the  little  screw,  and  the  water  was 
a  gushin'  out  all  over.  Jonothen  Beans'es  ex  wife, 
happened  to  come  along  jest  then,  and  she  sent  up  a 
nigger  with  a  mop,  and  a  lot  of  cloths,  and  I  turned 
to,  and  helped  him,  she  told  me  not  to,  but  says  I, 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife  haint  one  to  shirk  when  there 
is  work  to  do,"  and  says  I,  "you  tell  Miss  Aster,  after 
I  get  through  here,  I  had  jest  as  lives  come  down  and 
help  her  wash  up  the  breakfast  dishes  as  not,"  says  I, 
lookin'  thoughtfully  at  my  overskirt,  I  don't  really 
want  to  put  my  hands  into  the  dish  water  on  account 
of  my  dress,  but  I  had  jest  as  lives  wipe  'em  as  not." 

But  J.  Beans'es  ex  wife  said  there  wasn't  no  need 
of  my  helpin',  and  so  after  I  got  my  room  all  slicked 
up  and  my  bed  made  (she  told  me  to  leave  my  bed, 
but  I  wusn't  goin'  to  act  so  slack)  I  sot  down  a  min 
ute  to  rest,  before  I  set  sail  in  the  cause  of  Eight. 

I  was  jest  a  thinkin'  that  Betsey  Bobbet  was  safe  in 


304         EBENEEZER'S  WIFE  RECOVERS. 

the  house  of  mournin',  and  there  was  a  sweet  and 
satisfied  smile  on  my  face,  as  I  thought  it,  when  all  of 
a  sudden  the  door  opened,  and  in  she  walked.  My 
heart  sunk  pretty  near  £  an  inch.  But  I  ketched 
holt  of  my  principles,  and  says  I, 

"  What  is  the  matter  Betsey  ?"  For  she  looked  as  if 
she  had  been  cryin'  her  eyes  out.  "  Is  your  cousin  no 
more  ?  has  Ebineezah  suicided  himself  ?" 

"  No  moah  !"  says  she  in  a  indignant  tone.  "  She 
is  gettin,  well,  and  Ebineezah  is  as  happy  as  a  king 
about  it,  she  has  been  takin'  cod  liveh  oil,  and  "Cherry 
Pectorial,"  and  they  have  cured  her,  I  hate  Cherry  Pec- 
torial,  and  cod  liveh  oil,  they  are  nasty  stuffs." 

Says  I,  in  a  insinuatin'  tone,  "  you  are  goin'  back 
there  liaint  you  ?" 

"  No  !"  says  she  indignantly,  "  I  wont  stir  a  step 
back,  they  are  so  tickled  about  her  gettin'  bettah,  that 
they  don't  use  me  with  no  respect  at  all."  And  there 
was  a  tear  in  her  eye  as  she  added  in  sorrowful  tones, 
"  Ebineezah  told  me  that  if  it  hadn't  been  for  that  cod 
liveh  oil,  he  should  have  been  a  widowah,  and  a  lone 
ly  man  to  day.  No  !"  says  she  takin'  off  her  hat  and 
throwin'  it  in  a  angry  fierce  way  onto  the  bed,  "  I 
wont  stir  a  step  back,  I  wont  stay  anotheh  minute  in 
the  same  house  with  cod  liver  oil,  1  perfectly  de 
spise  it." 

I  see  there  was  no  use  a  arguin'  with  her,  the  arrow 
had  struck  too  deep,  I  see  my  fate,  Betsey  had  got  to 
accompany  me  on  my  high  and  lofty  mission.  For  a 


BETSEY  TO  ACCOMPANY  ME. 


305 


minute  I  thought  wildly  of  escape,  of  gettin'  her  out 
of  the  room  on  some  errent  for  a  minute,  and  then  ty- 
in'  the  sheets  together  and  lowerin'  myself  down  from 
the  winder.  But  better  feelin's  rose  inside  of  me, 
Betsey  was  a  human  bein',  I,  belonged  to  the  meetin' 
house.  All  these  nobler  emotions  tied  up  my  tongue, 
I  said  nothin'  but  I  turned  and  concluded  the  wild  tu 
mult  of  my  feelin's,  by  takin'  the  gingham  case  off'en 
my  nmberell  I  was  goin'  to  carry  with  me,  and  put- 


ON    THE    STREET. 


tin'  on  my  bunnet  we  started  out  for  our  promenade 


MEET  DR.   MARY  WALKER. 


"VTO  cambric  needle  ever  had  its  eye  sot  any  keener 
-L  i  and  firmer  onto  the  North  pole,  than  Josiah  Al- 
leirs  wife  had  her  keen  gray  eye  aimed  at  the  good  of  the 
Human  Race,  so  I  thought  I  would  go  and  see 
Horace  first.  But  Jonothan  Beans'es  ex-wife  told 
me  he  had  gone  away  for  the  day,  to  some  great  rally 
in  a  neighborin'  village.  I  didn't  have  the  least  idee 
what  she  meant  by  "  rally,"  but  I  answered  her  in  a 
bland  way  that  "  I  hoped  he  would  have  good  luck 
and  get  quite  a  mess  of  it,"  and  then  says  I,  "  It  won't 
make  a  mite  of  difference  with  me,  I  can  go  to  Miss 
Woodlmlls'es  first." 

Betsey  was  rampent  to  go  to  the  Theater,  "Bar- 
nums  Amusement,"  and  the  "  Centre  of  the  Park," 
and  some  of  the  meetin'  houses  with  big  steeples, 
and  other  places  of  amusement.  But  I  says  to  her 
as  we  wended  our  way  on,  "  Betsey,  these  old  bones 
of  mine  will  repose  in  Jonesville  to-morrer  night  as, 

the  poet  saith,  i  In  my  own  delightful  feather  bed.' 

306 


CALL  ON  MISS  HOOKER.  307 

And  Betsey,  they  couldn't  rest  there,  if  they  looked 
back  and  see  that  they  didn't  do  all  they  could  while 
here,  for  the  advancement  of  the  Race,  and  for  improv- 
in'  of  my  own  mind.  Says  I,  "  I  didn't  come  to  this 
village  for  vain  pleasure,  I  have  got  a  high  mission  to 
perform  about,  and  a  mind  to  improve  upon. 

I  thought  we  would  jest  run  in  a  few  minutes  to 
Miss  Hookers'es,  but  her  hired  girl  says  to  me  at  the 
door  says  she, 

"  Miss  Hooker  is  engaged." 
I  looked  the  hired  girl  full  in  the  face,  and  says  I, 

"  What  of  it,  what  if  she  is?  v 

Then  says  the  hired  girl,  "  She  hain't  to  home." 

Says  I,  "  Why  didn't  you  say  so,  in  the  first  out, 
and  not  go  to  beatin'  round  the  bush."  Says  I,  for 
I  was  determined  to  do  all  the  good  1  could  to  the 
Human  Race,  "  Miss  Hooker  is  a  first  rate  woman, 
and  it  haint  a  hired  girl's  place  to  talk  about  her 
mistress'es  family  matters  and  love  affairs." 

When  we  got  to  Miss  Woodhulls'es  we  went  up 
the  front  doorsteps,  and  I  knocked  to  the  door,  Bet 
sey  says,  "Ring  the  bell." 

Well  says  I,  "  I  hain't  particuler,  hand  it  along." 
I  thought  mebby  she  had  got  one  in  her  pocket,  and 
wanted  me  to  ring  it  to  pass  away  the  time,  while  we 
was  standin'  on  the  doorstep  a  waitin'  for  Miss  Wood- 
hull  to  come  and  open  the  door. 

But  Betsey  reached  by  me,  and  took  holt  of  a  little 


308  CALL  AT  MISS  WOODHULLS'ES. 

silver  nub,  by  the  side  of  the  door,  put  there  for  a 
orniment,  and  pulled  it. 

Says  I,  "  Don't  be  so  impatient  Betsey.  She'll  be 
here  in  a  minute,  don't  go  to  foolin'  and  tearin'  the 
house  down  to  pass  away  time." 

Jest  at  that  minute  a  little  Black  African  came  to 
the  door,  he  looked  impudent  at  us,  and  says  lie, 

"  Miss  Woodliull  hain't  to  home,"  and  he  shet  the 
door  right  in  our  faces.  We  was  jest  goin'  down  the 
doorsteps,  when  the  door  opened  agin,  and  a  little 
figger  came  out,  that  at  the  first  view  baffled  me. 
Says  I  to  myself,  "  Is  it  a  man,  or  is  it  a  woman  ? " 
It  had  a  woman's  face  but  a  man's  pantaloons.  I  was 
baffled.  But  Josiah  Allen's  wife  hain't  one  to  give 
up  the  ship  while  there  is  \  a  plank  left.  I  was 
determined  to  get  all  the  knowledge  I  could  while  on 
my  tower.  I  was  determined  to  get  information  on 
every  deep  and  mysterious  subject  I  could.  And  so 
I  walked  up  to  it,  and  says  I  in  a  low  voice  and  polite 
as  I  could,  for  fear  of  hurtin'  its  feeliiis'. 

"  Be  you  a  man  sir  ?"  or  a  women  mom  ?" 

It  wasn't  mad  a  bit,  (I  say  it,  for  I  didn't  know 
then  in  what  gender  to  put  it.)  It  looked  me  so 
pleasant  in  the  face,  and  yet  so  searchin'ly,  that  I  was 
kinder  frustrated,  and  says  I,  in  a  kind  of  awe  struck 
tone, 

1  hope  you  wont  be  offended,  I  only  ask  for  in 
formation.  Be  you  a  masculine,  femenine  or  neutral 
gender  ?" 


A  DOUBTFUL  GENDER.  309 

It  smiled  agin,  jest  as  pleasant  as  one  of  my  glass 
jars  of  maple  sugar,  and  then  it  opened  its  mouth  and 
said, 

"  I  am  Dr.  Mary  Walker." 

I  dont  know  when  I  have  been  so  tickled ;  nothin' 
is  sweeter  than  knowledge  to  the  inquiriii'  mind, 
when  it  has  been  baffled.  Says  I, 

"Mary  I  am  glad  to  see  you."  and  I  give  her 
hand  such  a  shakin'  that  it  looked  red  as  a  beet  when 
I  leggo.  Says  I, 

"  I  am  gladder  to  see  you  than  I  would  be  to  see 
any  nephew  or  neice  I  have  got  in  the  world.  I  am 
as  glad  to  see  you  as  I  would  be  to  see  any  brother  or 
Bister  of  mine." 

Says  she,  "  I  cant  recall  your  countenance." 

Says  I,  Mary,  I  am  Josiah  Allen's  wife." 

"  Oli !"  says  she,  "  I  have  read  your  eloquent  ora 
tions  on  wimmin'  havin'  a  right.  I  am  happy  to 
make  your  acquaintance."  Then  and  there  I  intro 
duced  Betsey. 

Says  she,  "Did  you  call  to  see  Miss  Woodhull?" 

"  Yes,"  says  I,  "  I  wanted  to  talk  to  her,  for  she  is 
in  the  wrong,  but  she  haint  to  home." 

Says  she,  "  she  is  to  home,  and  you  shall  see  her,  a 
few  friends  of  the  cause,  have  met  here  to-day,  but 
they  are  about  all  gone."  She  went  right  up  the 
doorsteps  agin,  and  instead  of  knockin',  she  ketch ed 
holt  of  that  silver  nob,  that  Betsey  had  been  a  foolin' 
with.  Mary  was  so  excited  that  she  didn't  really 


310  MISS  DOCTOR  WALKER  ADMITS  US, 

know  wnat  she  was  about,  or  else  she  wonld  have 
made  some  move  towards  gettin'  in  to  the  house. 
But  it  was  jest  as  well,  for  that  impudent  faced  little 
Black  African  happened  to  come  to  the  door  agin  jest 
at  the  right  time.  And  she  spoke  up  kinder  sharp 
like, 

"  Show  these  ladies  into  the  parlor,  they  are  friends 
of  mine,  and  Miss  Woodhull  will  be  glad  to  see  'em." 

He  looked  as  if  he  would  sink,  and  I  didn't  care  if 
he  did,  clear  through  to  the  suller.  I  should  have 
been  glad  to  have  seen  him  sunk. 

I  looked  severe  at  him  after  I  had  gripped  Mary's 
hand,  and  parted  with  her.  He  held  the  door  open 
awful  polite,  and  in  a  kind  of  a  apoligy  way  he  mur- 
tered  somethin'  about, 

"  Sposin'  Miss  Woodhull  was  engaged." 

Says  I  pretty  sharp,  "  Sposin  she  is  engaged,  is  that 
any  reason  you  should  turn  Betsey  and  me  out 
doors?"  Says  I,  I  didn't  keep  our  folks'es  doors 
locked  up  when  I  got  engaged  to  Josiah."  Says  I, 
"  sposen  Miss  Woodhull  is  engaged,  she  ought  to 
have  been  engaged,  and  married,  years  ago." 

I  was  in  the  wrong,  and  I  see  it,  and  ketched  holt 
of  my  principles  convulsively,  for  I  see  that  my  indig 
nant  emotions  towards  that  little  lyin'  imp  was  a  shak- 
in'  'em.  I  hadn't  no  right  to  be  a  speakin'  aginst  the 
woman  of  the  house  to  their  hired  help.  I  felt  as  mean 
as  pusley  to  think  I  had  done  it,  and  says  I,  mildly, 

"  I  am  glad  Miss  Woodhull  is  engaged  to  be  mar- 


A  NEWLY  MARRIED  MAN.  311 

ried,  it  takes  a  load  offen  my  mind,"  says  I,  "I  pre 
sume  she  will  settle  doun  and  make  a  real  likely  wo 
man." 

At  that  minute,  a  door  opened  right  across  the  hall, 
and  a  man  come  out  and  sliet  it  agin,  and  he  ketched 
right  holt  of  my  arm,  the  first  thing,  and  says  he, 

"  Come,  Marier  Jane,  or  Marier  Ann,"  says  he,  "  I 
can't  really  call  to  mind  your  precise  name  this  min 
ute,  but  I  think  it  is  Marier  any  way,  or  mebby  it  is 
Mary  Ann.  Come,  Mary  Ann,  it  is  time  to  be  a  go- 
in'  home." 

I  looked  at  him  with  almost  fearful  dignity,  and  I 
says  to  him  with  a  air  so  cold  that  he  must  have 
thought  it  blowed  off  of  Greenland's  icy  mountain, 

"  Leggo  of  my  arm  !" 

But  he  never  budged  a  inch,  and  I  jest  raised  my 
uinberell,  and  says  I,  "  If  you  don't  leggo  of  my  arm, 
I'll  make  you  leggo." 

Then  he  leggo.  And  he  stood  back  a  little,  but  he 
looked  piercin'ly  and  searchin'ly  into  my  face,  and 
says  he, 

"You  are  my  wife,  haint  you?" 

Then  again  I  spoke  with  that  fearful  dignity,  and 
that  cold  and  icy  air,  50  degrees  under  Mr.  Zero  it  was, 
if  it  was  a  degree. 

"  No  Sir  !  I  am  proud  and  happy  to  say  I  am  not 
your  wife,  I  am  Josiah  Allen's  wife." 

He  looked  real  meachin,  and  says  he,  "  I  beg  your 
pardon  mom,  but  I've  only  been  married  to  my  last 


312  TWO  ROMAN  NOSES. 

wife  a  few  hours,  bavin'  got  a  divorce  from  a  former 
companion  after  dinner  yesterday,  and  I  have  been  so 
busy  since,  that  I  haven't  really  got  the  run  of  her  face 
yet,  though  I  thought"  he  added  dreamily,  "that  I 
should  know  that  nose  agin  any  where." 

I  see  that  he  was  imposin'  on  me.  But  I  wasn't 
goin'  to  have  my  nose  throwed  in  my  face  by  him, 
and  says  I,  "  I  am  aware  that  my  nose  is  a  pretty  size 
able  one.  But,"  says  I,  in  abont  as  sarcastic  a  vuice 
as  I  ever  used  in  my  life  "  it  is  a  nose  that  haint  never 
been  wore  off,  and  made  smaller  a  pokin'  into  other 
folks'es  affairs.  Pokin'  round  a  try  in'  to  find  wives 
where  there  haint  none." 

"  But  mom,  I  was  married  between  daylight  and 
dark,  and-" 

But  I  wouldn't  stay  to  hear  another  word  of  his 
apoligys,  I  jest  turned  my  back  onto  him,  when  the 
door  opened  agin,  and  a  woman  came  out,  and  I'll  be 
hanged  if  her  nose  didn't  look  like  mine— a  honorable 
Koman.  The  man  looked  at  her  in  a  kind  of  a  unde 
cided  way,  but  she  walked  right  up  and  took  holt  of 
his  arm,  and  he  brightened  up,  and  says  he.  "  Are 
yon  goin'  home  now  Mary  Ann  ?" 

"  Yes,"  says  she,  "  but  my  name  haint  Mary  Ann, 
it  is  Mehitable." 

"  Wall,"  said  he,  "  I  knew  there  was  a  M  in  it." 
And  he  walked  off  with  her,  with  a  proud  and  trium 
phant  mene. 


INTERVIEW    WITH    THEODORE    AND 
VICTORY. 


THE  young  black  African  opened  the  door  and  says 
he,  "Josiah  Allen's  wife,  and  Betsey  Bobbet,  mom." 
He  had  asked  us  our  names  jest  before  he  opened  it. 

Miss  Woodlmll  was  a  standin'  pretty  near  the  door, 
a  talkin'  with  Swimmin  as  we  went  in.  But  she  come 
forward  immediatly  and  put  out  her  hand.  I  took  it 
in  mine,  and  shook  it  a  very  little,  mebby  3  or  4  times 
back  and  forth.  But  she  must  have  felt  by  that  cool, 
cautious  shake,  that  I  differed  from  her  in  her  views, 
and  had  come  to  give  her  a  real  talkin'  to. 

One  of  the  wiminen  she  was  a  talkin'  to,  had  jest 
about  as  noble  a  lookin'  face  as  I  ever  see,  with  short 
white  curls  a  fallin'  all  round  it.  The  beholder  could 
see  by  the  first  glance  onto  that  face,  that  she  hadn't 
spent  all  the  immortal  energies  of  her  soul  in  inakin' 
clover  leaf  tattin',  or  in  cuttin'  calico  up  into  little 
pieces,  jest  to  sew  'em  togather  agin  into  blazin'  stars 

and  sunflower  bedquilts.     It  was  the  face  of  an  earnest 

313 


314  MISS  STANTON,  AND  H.  W.  B1S  SISTER. 

noble  woman,  who  had  asked  God  what  He  wanted 
her  to  do,  and  then  hadn't  shirked  out  of  doin'  it. 
Who  had  gripped  holt  of  life's  plough,  and  hadn't 
looked  back  because  the  furrows  turned  over  pretty 
hard,  and  the  stumps  was  thick. 

She  knew  by  experience  that  there  was  never  any 
greensward  so  hard  to  break  up,  as  old  prejudices  and 
customs ;  and  no  stumps  so  hard  to  get  round  as  the 
ridicule  and  misconceptions  of  the  world.  What  made 
her  face  look  so  calm  then,  when  she  was  doin'  all  this 
hard  work  ?  Because  she  knew  she  was  makin'  a  clear- 
in'  right  through  the  wilderness  that  in  the  future  was 
goin'  to  blossom  like  a  rosa.  She  was  givin'  her  life 
for  others,  and  nobody  ever  did  this  since  the  days  of 
Jesus,  but  what  somethin'  of  his  peace  is  wrote  doun 
on  thier  forwards.  That  is  the  way  Elizabeth  Cady 
Stanton  looked  to  me,  as  Miss  Woodhull  introduced 
me  and  Betsey  to  her,  and  to  the  two  other  ladies  with 
her. 

One  of  the  other  wimmen  I  fell  in  love  with  at  first 
sight,  and  I  suppose  I  should  have  been  jest  so  partial 
to  her  if  she  had  been  as  humbly  as  one  of  the  Ploten- 
tots  in  my  old  Olney's  Geography,  and  I'll  tell  you 
why,  because  she  was  the  sister  of  II.  W.  Beecher. 
As  a  general  thing  I  don't  believe  in  settin'  folks  up, 
because  they  happen  to  have  smart  relations.  In  the 
words  of  one  of  our  sweetest  and  noblest  writers,  "  Be 
cause  a  man  is  born  in  a  stable  it  don't  make  him  a 
horse."  Not  as  a  general  thing,  it  don't. 


SUSAN  B.  ANTHONY.  315 

But  not  once  in  100  years  does  Nature  turn  out  such 
a  man  as  H.  "YV.  B.  It  takes  her  longer  than  that  to 
get  her  ingregiences  and  materials  togather  to  make 
such  a  pure  sweet  nature,  such  a  broad  charity,  and 
such  a  intellect  as  hisen.  Why,  if  the  question  had 
been  put  to  me  before  I  was  born,  whether  I  would 
be  born  his  sister,  or  the  twin  sister  of  the  queen  of 
England,  I'd  never  give  a  second  thought  to  Miss  Vic 
toria  Albert,  not  but  what  I  respect  the  Widder  Albert 
deeply,  I  think  she  is  a  real  nice  woman.  But  I  had 
ruther  be  his  sister  than  to  be  the  sister  of  21  or  22 
other  kings.  For  he  is  a  king  not  make  by  the  layin' 
on  of  earthly  hands,  he  is  God's  own  annointed,  and 
that  is  a  royalty  that  can't  be  upsot.  So  as  I  remarked 
I  s'pose  Isabella  Beecher  Hooker  would  have  looked 
pretty  good  to  me  any  way. 

The  other  lady  was  smart  and  sensible  lookin',  but 
she  was  some  like  me,  she  wont  never  be  hung  for 
her  beauty.  This  was  Susan  B.  Anthony.  Betsey 
Bobbet  sot  down  on  a  chair  pretty  nigh  the  door,  but 
I  had  considerable  talk  with  Susan.  The  other  two 
was  awful  long  discussin'  some  question  with  Miss 
Woodhull. 

Susan  said  in  the  course  of  her  remarks  that  "  she 
had  made  the  i  Cause  of  Wimmen's  Eights,'  her  hus 
band,  and  was  going  to  cleave  to  it  till  she  died." 

I  told  her  I  was  deeply  interested  in  it,  but  I 
couldn't  marry  myself  to  it,  because  before  gettin'  ac- 


316  THEODORE  TILTON. 

(painted  with  it,   I  had  united  myself  to  Josiah." 

We  had  considerable  reasonable  and  agreeable  talk, 
such  as  would  be  expected  from  two  such  minds 
as  mine  and  hern,  and  then  the  three  ladies  departed. 
And  Miss  Woodhull  came  up  to  me  agin  kinder 
friendly,  and  says  she, 

"  I  am  glad  to  meet  you  Josiah  Allen's  wife,"  and 
then  she  invited  me  to  set  down.  As  I  turned  round 
to  get  a  chair  I  see  through  a  door  into  another  room 
where  sot  several  other  wimmen — some  up  to  a  table, 
and  all  dreadful  busy  readin'  papers  and  writin'  letters. 
They  looked  so  business-like  and  earnest  at  thier 
work,  that  I  knew  they  could  not  have  time  to  back 
bite  thier  neighbors,  and  I  was  glad  to  see  it.  As  I 
took  my  seat  I  see  a  awful  handsome  gentleman  settin' 
on  a  sofa — with  long  hair  put  back  behind  his  ears, — 
that  I  hadn't  ketched  sight  of  before.  It  was  Theodore 
Tilton,  and  Miss  Woodhull  introduced  him  to  Betsey 
and  me.  He  bowed  to  Betsey,  but  he  came  forward 
and  took  my  hand  in  his'en.  I  couldn't  refuse  to 
take  it,  but  I  looked  up  in  his  handsome  face  with  a 
look  about  two  thirds  admiration,  and  one  of  sorrow. 
If  the  handsomest  and  best  feathered  out  angel,  had 
fell  right  over  the  walls  of  heaven  into  our  dooryard 
at  Jonesville,  I  couldn't  have  give  it  a  more  piercin', 
and  sort  of  pitiful  look  than  I  did  him.  I  then 
turned  and  silently  put  my  urnberell  in  the  corner 
and  sot  down.  As  I  did  so,  Miss  Woodhull  re 
marked  to  Mr.  Tilton, 


VICTORY  WOODHULL.  319 

"  She  is  a  Strong  Wimen's  Eigliter,  she  is  one  of 
us." 

"  No,  Victory  ;  I  haint  one  of  you,  I  am  Josiah 
Allen's  wife."  Then  I  sithed.  And  says  I,  "Vic 
tory  you  are  in  the  right  on  it,  and  you  are  in 
the  wrong  on  it,"  and  says  I,  "  I  come  clear  from 
Jonesville  to  try  to  set  you  right  where  you  are 
wrong."  Says  1,  almost  overcome  with  emotion. 
;'  You  are  younger  than  I  Victory,  and  I  want  to  talk 
with  you  jest  as  friendly  as  if  I  was  your  mother  in 
law." 

Says  she,  "  Where  do  you  think  I  am  in  the  right, 
and  where  do  you  think  I  am  in  the  wrong  ?" 

Says  I,  "  Yon  are  right  in  thinkin'  what  a  solemn 
thing  it  is  to  bring  up  children  as  they  ought  to  be. 
What  an  awful  thing  it  is  to  bring  the  little  creeters 
into  the  world  without  their  votin'  on  the  subject  at 
all,  and  then  neglect  'em,  and  abuse  'em,  and  make 
their  poor  little  days  awful  long  in  the  world,  and 
then  expect  them  to  honor  you  for  it.  You  are  right 
in  your  views  of  health,  and  wimmin's  votin'  and  et- 
cetery — but  you  are  wrong  Victory,  and  I  don't  want 
you  to  get  mad  at  me,  for  I  say  it  with  as  friendly 
feelins'  as  if  I  was  your  mother  in  law,- — you  are 
wrong  in  this  free  love  business,  you  are  wrong  in 
keepin'  house  with  two  husbands  at  the  same  time.^ 

"  Two  husbands  !  it  is  false  ;  I  was   divorced  from 
him,  and  my  husband    and  T  found  him  perishing    in 
the  streets,  and  we  took  him  home  and  took  care  of 
13* 


320  MY  VIEWS  OF  RIGHT  AND  WRONG. 

him  'till  he  died.  Which  would  the  Lord  have 
done  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  passed  by  on  the  other 
side,  or  took  pity  on  him  ? 

"  I  don't  know  what  the  Lord  would  have  done  Yic- 
ory,  but  I  believe  I  should  have  sent  him  to  a  good 
horsepittle  or  tarven,  and  hired  him  took  care  of.  I 
never  could  stand  it  to  have  another  husband  in  the 
same  house  with  me  and  Josiah.  It  would  seem  so 
kind  o'  curious,  somethin'  in  the  circus  way.  I  never 
could  stand  it  never." 

"There  have  been  a  good  many  things  Josiah 
Allen's  wife  that  you  have  not  been  required  to  stand, 
God  and  man  united  you  to  a  good  husband  whom 
you  love.  But  in  your  happiness  you  should'nt  for 
get  that  some  other  woman  has  been  less  fortunate. 
In  your  perfect  happiness,  and  harmony — " 

"Oh!"  says  I  candidly,  "I  don't  say  but  what 
Josiah  and  me  have  had  our  little  spats  Victory. 
Josiah  will  go  in  his  stockin'  feet  considerable  and — 

But  she  interrupted  of  me  with  her  eyes  a  nashin', 

"  What  would  you  say  to  livin'  with  a  man  that 
forgot  every  day  of  his  life  that  he  was  a  man,  and 
sunk  himself  into  a  brute.  Leaving  his  young  wife 
of  a  week  for  the  society  of  the  abandoned  ?  What 
would  you  say  to  abuse,  that  resulted  in  the  birth  of 
a  idiot  child?  Would  you  endure  such  a  life? 
Would  you  live  with  the  animal  that  he  had  made 
himself?  I  married  a  man,  I  never  promised  God 


MALE  AND  FEMALE  ANGELS.  321 

nor  man  that  I  would  love,  honor  and  obey  the  wild 
beast  he  changed  into.  1  was  free  from  him  in  the 
sight  of  a  pure  God,  long  enough  before  the  law  freed 
me." 

I  let  her  have  her  say  out,  for  Josiah  Allen's  wife 
is  one  to  let  every  man  or  mouse  tell  thier  principles 
if  they  have  got  any.  And  if  I  was  conversin'  with 
the  overseer  of  the  bottomless  pit,  (I  don't  want  to 
speak  his  name  right  out,  bein'  a  Methodist),  I  would 
give  him  a  chance  to  get  up  and  relate  his  experience. 
But  as  she  stopped  with  her  voice  kinder  choked  up, 
I  laid  my  brown  cotton  glove  gently  onto  her  shoul 
der,  and  says  I, 

"Hush  up  Victory,"  says  I"wimmen  must  submit 
to  some  things,  they  can  pray,  and  they  can  try  to  let 
thier  sorrows  lift  'em  nearer  to  heaven,  makin'  angels 
of  'em." 

Here  Mr.  Tilton  spoke  up  and  says  he,  I  don't  be 
lieve  in  the  angels  exclusively,  I  don't  see  why  there 
shouldn't  be  he  angels,  as  well  as  she  ones." 

I  was  tickled,  and  I  looked  at  him  approvin'ly,  and 
says  I, 

"  Theodore  you  are  the  first  man  with  one  excep 
tion  that  I  ever  see  that  felt  that  way,  and  I  respect 
you  for  it."  Says  I,  "  men  as  a  general  thing  think 
that  wimmen  have  got  to  do  up  all  the  angel  business 
there  is  done.  Men  seem  to  get  the  idee  that  they 
can  do  as  they  are  a  mind  to  and  the  Lord  will  wink 


822  FEATHERS  ON  AN  ANGEL'S  WING. 

at  'em.  And  there  are  lots  of  things  that  the  world 
thinks  would  be  awful  coarse  in  a  woman,  but  is  all 
right  in  a  man.  But  I  don't  believe  a  man's  cigar 
smoke  smells  any  sweeter  to  the  Lord  than  a  woman's 
would.  And  I  don't  believe  a  coarse  low  song,  sounds 
any  sweeter  and  purer  in  the  ears  of  angels,  because 
it  is  sung  in  a  base  voice  instead  of  a  sulfereno.  I 
never  could  see  why  men  couldn't  do  somethin'  in  the 
angel  line  themselves,  as  well  as  to  put  it  all  on  to  the 
wimmen,  when  they  have  got  everything  else  under 
the  sun  to  do.  Not  but  what  "  says  I,  "  I  am  willen' 
to  do  my  part.  I  never  was  a  shirk,  and  Josiah  Allen 
will  tell  you  so,  I  am  willin'  to  do  my  share  of  the 
angel  business."  And  says  I,  in  a  generous  way,  "  I 
would  do  it  all,  if  I  only  had  time.  But  I  love  to  see 
justice  and  reason.  Nature  feathers  out  geese  and 
gander's  equally,  or  if  there  is  any  difference  the  gan 
der's  wings  are  the  most  foamin'  lookin'.  Men's  shoul 
ders  are  made  jest  the  same  way  that  wimmen's  are ; 
feathers  would  look  jest  as  well  on  'em  as  on  a  wo 
man,  they  can  cultivate  wings  with  jest  as  little  trouble. 
"What  is  the  purest  and  whitest  unseen  feathers  on  a 
livin'  angel's  hidden  wing,  Theodore  and  Victory  ? 
They  are  purity,  goodness,  and  patience,  and  men  can 
grow  these  unbeknown  feathers  jest  as  easy  as  a  wo 
man  can  if  they  only  set  out." 

I  had  spoke  real  eloquent,  and  I  knew  it,  but  I  felt 
that  I  had  been  carried  away  slightly  by  my  emotions, 


CONVINCIN'  MISS  WOODHULL.  323 

from  the  mission  I  had  come  on — to  try  to  convince 
Miss  Wbodhull  where  she  was  wrong.  And  so  after 
a  minutes  silence,  I  broke  out  agin  mildly,  for  I  felt 
that  if  I  give  way  to  anger  or  impatience  my  mission 
was  lost. 

"  Another  thing  you  are  wrong  in  Yictory,  is  to 
think  you  can  be  lawfully  married  without  any  minis 
ter  or  justice  of  the  peace.  I  knew  that  all  you  need 
ed  was  to  have  it  set  before  you  plain  by  some  female 
that  wished  you  well ;  you  are  wrong  in  it  Victory, 
and  I  tell  you  so  plain,  and  to  show  you  that  I  am 
your  well  wisher,  I  thought  after  I  had  convinced  you 
that  you  was  in  the  wrong,  I  would  make  you  this  of 
fer.  That  if  you  and  Col.  Blood  will  go  home  with 
Betsey  and  me,  Elder  Wesley  Minkley  shall  marry 
you  right  in  my  parlor,  and  it  shan't  cost  you  a  cent, 
for  I  will  pay  him  myself  in  dried  apples." 

Says  she,  "  I  don't  want  any  ceremony,  I  want  the 
only  tie  to  hold  me  to  my  husband  to  be  love,  the  one 
sacred  tie." 

"Love  is  a  first  rate  tie,"  says  I,  mildly,  holdin'  on 
to  my  temper  first  rate,  "  upwards  of  15  years  ago,  1 
give  one  of  the  most  remarkable  proofs  of  it,  that  has 
ever  been  seen  in  this  country  ;"  (and  for  a  minute  my 
mind  wandered  off  onto  that  old  revery,  why  did  I 
love  Josiah  Allen  ?)  But  collectin'  rny  mind  together 
I  spoke  onwards,  with  firm  and  cast  iron  principle. 
"  Still,  although  I  felt  that  sacred  tie  unitin'  Josiah 


324  A  SHAKY  CONDITION. 

and  me  in  a  double  beau  knot  that  couldn't  be  untwis 
ted,  the  first  time  we  met,  still,  if  Elder  Wesley  Mink- 
ley  hadn't  united  us  at  the  alter — or  mother's  parlor, 
I  should  have  felt  dreadful  floatin'  round  in  my  mind. 
It  would  have  seemed  too  curious  and  onstiddy  kind 
er,  as  if  Josiah  and  me  was  liable  to  fall  all  to  pieces  at 
any  time,  and  waver  off  in  the  air  like  two  kites  that 
had  broke  loose  from  thier  strings."  Says  I,  firmly, 
"  Thier  would  be  a  looseness  to  it,  I  couldn't  stand." 

She  said  I  would  get  accustomed  to  it,  and  that 
custom  made  many  things  seem  holy  that  were  unho 
ly,  and  many  things  sinful  that  were  pure  in  the  sight 
of  God. 

But  still  I  murmured  with  a  sad  look,  but  firm  as 
old  Bunker  Hill,  "  I  couldn't  stand  it,  Victory,  it  would 
seem  too  much  like  a  circus." 

"  And  then  agin,  Victory,  you  are  in  the  wrong  of 
it  about  divorces!  '  What  God  has  joined  togather  let 
no  man  put  asunder.' ': 

Says  she,  "  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  if  divorces  were  free 
to-morrow,  would  you  get  one  from  Josiah  ?" 

"  Never !"  says  I,  and  my  best  dress  most  bust  open 
at  the  breast,  (them  biases  always  was  took  up  a  little 
too  snug)  at  the  idee  of  partin'  from  Josiah. 

"  Well,  what  is  it  that  would  hold  you  so  fast  to  each 
other  that  nothin'  but  death  could  separate  you  1  was 
it  the  few  words  you  said  before  the  minister  ?" 

"  It  was  love,  Victory  !  love,  that  wouldn't  let  me 


ABOUT  DIVORCES.  325 

eat  a  mite,  nor  sleep  a  wink,  if  I  couldn't  put  my  hand 
onto  Josiah  Allen  any  time  day  or  night." 

"  Then,"  says  she,  "  why  not  give  other  good  men 
and  women  credit  for  bein'  actuated  by  the  same  sen 
timents  ?  Those  that  God  has  joined  togather,  no  man 
can  put  asunder.  Those  who  are  really  married  heart 
and  sole,  would  never  separate,  it  would  only  correct 
abuses,  and  separate  those  that  man,  and  not  God,  had 
joined  togather." 

Says  I,  "  Victory,  is  there  any  particular  need  of 
folks  lettin'  man  join  'em  togather,  when  God  hasn't  ?" 
says  I ;  "if  folks  was  obleeged  to  marry,  there  would 
be  some  sense  in  such  talk,"  says  I,  "  they  haint  no 
business  to  marry  if  they  don't  love  each  other.  All 
sin  brings  its  punishment,  and  them  that  commit  the 
crime  aginst  thier  own  sole,  of  marry-in'  without  love, 
ought  to  be  punished  by  unhappiness  in  thier  domestic 
relations,  what  else  can  they  expect  ?"  says  I.  "  Mar 
riage  is  like  baptism,  now  some  folks  say  it  is  a  savin' 
audnence,  I  say  nobody  haint  any  right  to  be  baptised 
unless  they  are  saved  already.  Nobody  haint  any  bus 
iness  to  put  on  the  outward  form  of  marriage,  if  they 
haint  got  the  inward  marriage  of  the  spirit." 

"  Some  folks  marry  for  a  home,"  says  she. 

u  Wall,  they  haint  no  business  to,"  says  I  warmly. 
"  I  had  ruther  live  out  doors  under  a  umberell,  all  my 
days/' 

"  Those  are  my  sentiments  exactly,  Josiah  Allen's 


326  BLIND  MARRIAGES. 

wife.     But  you  can't  deny  that  people  are  liable  to  be 
decieved." 

"  If  they  are  such  poor  judges  the  first  time,  what 
would  hender  'em  from  bein'  decieved  the  next  time, 
and  so  on,  ad  infinitum,  to  the  twentieth  and  thirtieth 
time  1"  says  I  firmly.  "  Instead  of  folks  bein'  tied  to 
gether  looser,  they  ought  to  be  tied  as  tight  agin.  If 
folks  knew  they  couldn't  marry  agin,  how  many  di 
vorces  do  you  suppose  there  would  be  (  X o  doubt 
there  are  individual  cases,  where  there  is  great  wTrong, 
and  great  sufferin'.  But  we  ought  to  look  out  for  the 
greatest  good  to  the  greatest  number.  And  do  you 
realize,  Victory,  what  a  condition  society  would  be  in, 
if  divorces  was  absolutely  free  ?  The  recklessness  with 
which  new  ties  would  be  formed,  the  luvin'  wimmen's 
hearts  that  would  be  broken  by  desertion,  the  children 
that  would  be  homeless  and  uncared  for.  When  a 
fickle  man  or  woman  gets  thier  eyes  onto  somebody 
they  like  better  than  they  do  thier  own  lawful  pard- 
ners,  it  is  awful  easy  to  think  that  man,  and  not  Godr 
has  jined  'em.  But  let  folks  once  get  the  idee  into 
thier  heads,  that  marriage  is  a  solemn  thing,  and  lasts 
as  long  as  thier  lives  do,  and  .they  can't  get  away  from 
each  other,  they  will  be  ten  times  as  careful  to  live 
peacible  and  happy  with  thier  companions."  Says  I. 
"  When  a  man  realizes  that  he  can  if  lie  wants  to,  start 
up  and  marry  a  woman  before  breakfast,  and  get  di 
vorced  before  dinner,  and  have  a  new  one  before  sup 


THOKOUGHWERT  PUKES.  327 

per  time,  it  has  a  tendency  to  make  him  onstiddy  and 
worrysome." 

Says  I,  "  Victory,  men  are  dreadful  try  in'  by  spells, 
do  you  suppose  I  have  lived  with  one  for  upwards  of 
15  years,  and  hain't  found  it  out  ?  But  suppose  a 
mother  deserts  a  child  because  he  is  wormy,  and  tears 
his  breeches.  She  brought  him  into  the  world,  and 
it  is  her  duty  to  take  care  of  him.  Do  you  suppose 
a  store  keeper  ought  to  take  back  a  pink  calico  dress, 
after  you  have  made  it  up,  and  washed  it  because  the 
color  washes  out  of  it,  you  ought  to  have  tried  it 
before  it  was  cut  off.  I  married  Josiah  Allen  with 
both  eyes  open,  I  didn't  wear  spectacle.;  then,  I 
wasn't  starved  to  it  nor  thumbscrewed  into  it,  and  it 
is  my  duty  to  make  the  best  of  him." 

Says  she,  "  "When  a  woman  finds  that  her  soul  is 
clogged  and  hampered,  it  is  a  duty  she  owes  to  her 
higher  nature  to  find  relief." 

Says  I,  "  When  a  woman  has  such  feelin's,  instead 
of  leavin'  her  lawful  husband  and  goin'  round  huntin' 
up  a  affintee,  let  her  take  a  good  thorough Wert  puke. 
Says  I,  in  9  and  -J  cases  out  of  10,  it  is  folkes'es 
stomachs  that  are  .clogged  up  insted  of  their  souls. 
Says  I,  there  is  nothin'  like  keepin'  the  stomach  in 
good  order  to  make  the  moral  sentiments  run  good. 
Now  our  Tirzah  Ann,  Josiah's  girl  by  his  first  wife, 
I  kinder  mistrusted  that  she  was  fallin'  in  love  with — 
I  almost  said  it  right  out  Shakespeare  Bobbet,  but 


328  THEODORE'S  OPINIONS. 

I  thought  of  Betsey,  and  turned  it  "  with  a  little  feller 
that  hadn't  hardly  got  out  of  his  roundabouts,  she 
bein'  at  the  same  time  in  pantalettes.  Well  I  give 
her  a  good  thoroughwert  puke,  and  it  cured  her,  and 
if  his  mother,"  says  I  with  a  keen  look  onto  Betsey, 
as  I  thought  of  my  night  of  troubles,  "  If  his  mother 
had  served  him  in  the  same  way,  it  would  have 
saved  some  folks  a  good  deal  of  sufferin'." 

I  see  that  agin  I  was  wanderin'  off 'en  the  subject, 
and  I  says  in  a  deep  solemn  tone, 

"  I  don't  believe  in  this  divorcin'." 

Mr.  Tilton  spoke  up  for  most  the  first  time,  and 
says  he,  "  I  think  you  are  wrong  in  your  views  of 
divorce,  Josiah  Allen's  wife." 

I  looked  into  his  handsome  face  and  my  feeliri's 
rose  up  strong  I  couldn't  throw  'em,  they  broke  loose 
and  says  I,  in  almost  tremblin'  tones, 

"  It  is  you  that  are  in  the  wrong  on  it,  Theodore," 
says  I,  "  Theodore,  I  have  read  your  poetry  when  it 
seemed  as  if  I  could  ride  right  up  to  heaven  on  it, 
though  I  weigh  200  and  10  pounds  by  the  steelyards. 
There  is  one  piece  by  the  name  of  "  Life's  Victory." 
I  haint  much  of  a  hand  for  poetry,  but  I  read  it  for 
the  first  time  when  I  was  sick,  and  it  seemed  as  if  it 
carried  me  so  near  to  heaven,  that  I  almost  begun  to 
feather  out.  And  when  I  found  out  who  the  author 
was,  he  seemed  as  near  to  me  as  Thomas  Jefferson, 
Josiah' s  boy  by  his  first  wife.  Theodore,  I  have  kept 


I  ALMOST  WEPT.  329 

sight  of  you  ever  sense,  jest  as  proud  of  you,  as  if  you 
was  my  own  son-in-law,  and  when  you  went  off  into 
this  free  love  belief  I  felt  bad."  I  took  out  my  white 
25  cent  handkerchif,  for  a  tear  came  within  I  should 

say  half  or  three  quarters  of  a  inch  from  my  eye-wink- 

• 
ers.     I  held  my  handkerchif  in  my  hand,  the  tear  come 

nearer  and  nearer — he  looked  agitated — when  up  spoke 
Miss  Woodhull. 

"  It  is  perfectly  right ;  I  believe  in  free  divorce,  free 
love,  freedom  in  everything." 

I  jest  jammed  my  handkerchif  back  into  my  pocket, 
for  that  tear  jest  turned  round  and  traveled  back  to 
where  it  come  from.  I  thought  I  had  used  mildness 
long  enough,  and  I  says  to  her  in  stern  tones, 

"  Victory,  can  you  look  me  straight  in  the  specta 
cles,  and  say  that  you  think  this  abominable  doctrine 
of  free  love  is  right  ?" 

"  Yes  mom,  I  can,  I  believe  in  perfect  freedom." 

Says  I,  "  That  is  what  burglers  and  inceiidiarys 
say,"  says  I,  "  that  is  the  word  murderers  and  Her 
mans  utter,"  says  I  "  that  is  the  language  of  pirates, 
Victory  Woodhull." 

She  pretty  near  quailed,  and  I  proceeded  on,  "  Vic 
tory,  there  haint  but  one  true  liberty,  and  that  is  the 
liberty  of  the  Gospel,  and  it  haint  Gospel  liberty  to  be 
surrounded  by  a  dozen  husbands'es  and  ex-husbands'es,'' 
says  I,  this  marryin'  and  partin'  every  day  or  to,  haint 
accordin'  to  Skripter." 


330  THEODORE  ADVOCATES  DIVORCES. 

Says  she  in  a  scornful  tone,  "What  is  skripter?" 
If  I  had  been  her  mother  I  would  have  spanked  her 
then  and  there.  But  I  wasn't,  and  I  jest  turned  my 
back  to  her,  and  says  I,  "  Mr.  Tilton  you  believe  the 
bible  don't  you  ?" 

"  Yes  mom,  I  do,  but  the  bible  justifies  divorce." 

"  Yes,"  says  I,  "  for  one  cause,  and  no  other,  and 
the  Saviour  says  that  whosoever  marries  a  woman  put 
away  for  any  but  the  bible  cause,  commits  adultery, 
and  I  don't  believe  in  adulteration,  nor  Josiah  don't 
either.  But  says  I,  convulsivly,  "  You  know  a  man 
will  part  with  a  woman  nowadays  if  the  butter  don't 
come  quick,  and  she  will  part  with  him  if  he  don't 
hang  up  the  bootjack.  Is  that  bible  Theodore  C ' 
Says  I,  "don't  the  bible  say  that  except  for  that  one 
reason,  man  and  wife  are  married  till  death  parts  'em, 
Says  I,  "  is  a  lawyer  in  a  frock  coat,  with  a  lot  of  pa 
pers  stickin'  out  of  his  breast  pocket,  death  ?"  Says  I, 
"  tell  me  Theodore  is  he  death  f 

He  looked  convinced,  and  says  he,  "  No  mom,  he 
haint." 

"  Well  then,  what  business  has  that  little  snip  of  a 
livin'  lawyer  to  go  round  tryin'  to  make  out  he  is 
death  ?  tell  me  ?"  says  I  almost  wildly. 

I  see  my  emotions  was  almost  carryin'  me  off,  and 
1  ketched  holt  of  my  dignity,  and  continued  in  deep 
solemn  tones, 
"  True  marriage  is  a  sacred  thing,  and  it  is  a  solemn 


MARRIAGE  A  SOLEMN  THING.  331 

thing,  it  is  as  solemn  as  bein'  baptized.     And  if  you 
are  baptized  once  in  the  way  you  ought  to  be,  it  is 
enough.     But  the  best  way  you  can  fix  it,  it  is  a  sol 
emn  thing  Victory.     To  give  your  whole  life  and  sorl 
into  the  keepin'  of  somebody  else.     To  place  all  your 
hopes,  and  all  your  happiness  in  another  human  bein' 
as  a  woman  will.     A  true   woman  if  she  loves  truly, 
never    gives  half  of  her  heart  or  three  quarters,  she 
gives  it  all.     She  never  asks  how  much  shall  I  get 
back  in  money  and  housen  and  finery  ?  or  whether 
she  could  do  better  in  another  direction.     No  ;  True 
Love  is  a  river  that  runs  onward  askin'  no  questions  of 
anybody,  sweepin'  right  on  with  a  full  heart.     And 
where  does  that  river  empty  Theodore  and  Victory  V 
They    both    looked    as    solemn    as    a    protracted 
meetin',  almost,  as  I  looked  at  'em,  first  one,  then  the 
other,    through    my    specs ;  but    they    didn't    reply. 
Says  I,  in  a  deep  solemn  tone,  the  name  of  the  place 
where  that  river  emptys  is  Eternity."     Says  I,  That 
river  of  True  Love  as  it  flows   through  the  world  gets 
riley   sometimes,  by  the    earthly   mud   on   its  banks. 
Sometimes  it  gets  mad  and   precipitates   itself   over 
precipices,    and    sometimes  it  seemin'ly   turns    back 
ward  a  spell.     But  in  its    heart  it  knows    where   it 
is    bound    for,  it   keeps    on    growin'    broader,    and 
deeper,  and    quieter    like,  and  as  it  jines  the   ocian 
it  leaves  all  its  mud  on  the  banks,  for  God  cleanses  it, 
and  makes  it  pure  as  the  pure  waters  it  flows  into." 


332  NOT  TO  MARRY,  MORE  SOLEMN. 

I  felt  real  eloquent  as  I  said  this,  and  it  seemed  to 
impress  'em  as  I  wanted  it  to.  They  both  of  'em 
have  got  good  faces.  Though  I  didn't  like  their 
belief,  I  liked  their  looks.  They  looked  sincere  and 
honest. 

Agin  I  repeated,  "  Marriage  is  a  solemn  thing." 

I  heard  a  deep  sithe  behind  me,  and  a  sorrowful 
voice  exclaimed, 

"  It  is  solemn  then  both  ways,  you  say  it  is  solemn 
to  marry,  and  I  know  " — here  was  another  deep  sithe 
u  I  know  it  is  solemn  not  to."  It  was  Betsey,  she  was 
a  thinkiii'  of  the  Editer  of  the  Augur,  and  of  Ebinee- 
zer,  and  of  all  the  other  dear  gazelles,  that  lay  cold  and 
lifeless  in  her  bury  in'  ground.  I  felt  that  I  could  not 
comfort  her,  and  I  was  silent.  Miss  Woodhull  is  a 
well  bread  woman,  and  so  to  kinder  notice  Betsey, 
and  make  talk  with  her,  says  she, 

"I  believe  you  are  the  author  of  these  lines 

'  If  wimmen  had  a  mice's  will, 
They  would  arise  and  get  a  bill  ?' " 

"  Yes  "  says  Betsey,  tryin'  to  pnt  on  the  true  mod 
esty  of  jenieus  look. 

Miss  Woodhull  said  "  she  had  heard  it  sung  to  sever 
al  free  love  conventions." 

"  How  true  it  is  "  says  Betsey  glancin'  towards  Mr. 
Tilton,  "  that  deathless  fame  sometimes  comes  by  rea 
son  of  what  you  feel  in  your  heart  haint  the  best  part 
of  you.  Now  in  this  poem  I  speak  hard  of  man,  but 
I  didn't  feel  it  Miss  Woodhull,  I  didn't  feel  it  at  the 


THEODORE  GETS  INTO  DANGER. 

time,  I  wrote  it  jest  for  fame  and  to  please  Prof. 
Gusheh.  I  love  men  "  says  she,  glancin'  at  Mr.  Til- 
ton's  handsome  face,  and  hitchin'  her  chair  up  closer 
to  his' en. 

"  I  almost  worship  'em." 

Theodore  began  to  look  uneasy,  for  Betsey  had  sot 
down  close  by  the  side  of  him  and  says  she, 

"  Did  you  ever  read  the  soul  stirrin'  lines  that  Miss 
Woodhull  refers  to,  I  will  rehearse  them  to  you,  and 
also  three  others  of  25  verses  apeice  which  I  have 
wrote  since  on  the  same  subject." 

I  see  a  cold  sweat  begin  to  break  on  his  white  and 
almost  marble  forward,  and  with  a  agitated  move  he 
ketched  out  his  watch  and  says  he, 

"  I  have  a  engagement." 

Says  Betsey,  beseechin'ly  layin'  her  hand  on  his 
coat  sleeve,  "  1  can  rehearse  them  in  26  or  27  minutes, 
and  oh  how  sweet  your  sympathy  would  be  to  me,  let 
me  repeat  them  to  you  deah  man." 

A  haggard  look  crept  into  his  handsome  eyes,  and 
says  he,  wildly  turnin'  'em  away,  "  It  is  a  case  of 
life  and  death,"  and  he  hurried  to  the  door. 

But  Betsey  started  up  and  got  ahead  of  him,  she 
got  between  him  and  the  door,  and  says  she,  "  I  will 
let  you  off  about  hearin'  the  poetry — but  oh  !  listen  to 
my  otheh  prayer." 

"  I  wont  listen  to  your  prayer,"  says  he,   firmly. 

"  In  the  name  of  the  female  wimmen  of  America 


334  BETSEY'S  PRAYER. 

who  worship  you  so,  pause,  and  heah  my  prayer." 

He  paused  deeply  agitated,  and  says  he.  "  In  their 
name  I  will  hear  you,  what  is  your  request  Betsey 
Bobbet  ?" 

She  clasped  her  hands  in  a  devotional  way,  and  with 
as  beseechin'  and  almost  heart  meltin'  a  look  as  a  dog 
will  give  to  a  bone  held  above  its  head,  she  murmured, 

*•  A  lock  of  yoiih  haih  deah  man,  that  I  may  look  at 
it  when  the  world  looks  hollow  to  me,  a  lock  of  youh 
haih  to  make  my  life  path  easier  to  me." 

I  turned  my  spectacles  on  which  principle  sot  en 
throned,  towards  'em,  and  listened  in  awful  deep  inter 
est  to  see  how  it  would  end.  Would  he  yield  or  not  ? 
He  almost  trembled.  But  finally  he  spoke. 

"  Never  !  Betsey  Bobbet !  never !"  and  he  continued 
in  low,  agitated  tcnes,  u  I  have  got  jest  enough  to 
look  weil  now." 

My  heart  throbbed  proudly,  to  see  him  comin'  so 
nobly  through  the  hot  furnace  of  temptation,  without 
beiu'  scorched.  To  see  him  bein'  lifted  up  in  the 
moral  steelyards,  and  found  full  weight  to  a  notch. 
But  alas  !  Jest  as  small  foxes  will  gnaw  into  a  grape 
vine,  jest  so  will  dangerous  and  almost  loose  principles 
gnaw  into  a  noble  and  upright  nature  unbeknown  to 
them. 

Agin  Betsey  says  in  harrowin'  tones,  at  the  same 
time  ketchin'  holt  of  his  coat  skirts  wildly, 


THEODORE  YIELDS  TO  TEMPTATION. 


335 


"  If  you  can't  part  with  any  more,  give  me  one  haih, 
to  make  my  life  path  smootheh." 

Alas !  that  my  spectacles  was  ever  bought  to  witnest* 


BETSEY  S    PRAYJ*. 


the  sad  sight.  For  with  a  despairing  agonized  coun 
tenance  such  as  Lucifer,  son  of  Mr.  Mornin'  might 
have  wore  as  he  fell  doun,  Theodore  plucked  a  hair 
out  of  his  foretop,  threw  it  at  Betsey's  feet,  and  rushed 
out  doors.  Betsey  with  a  proud,  haughty  look,  picked 
it  up,  kissed  it  a  few  times,  and  put  it  into  her  port- 
money. 

But  I  sithed. 

I  hadn't  no  heart  to  say  anything  more  to  Yictory. 
I  bid  her  farewell.     But  after  we  got  out  in  the  street, 
I  kept  a  sithin'. 
U 


A  WIMMEN'S  BIGHTS'  LECTURER 


AS  we  wended  our  way  back  to  Miss  Asters'es  to 
dinner,  Betsey  said  she  guessed  after  all  she  would 
go  and  take  dinner  to  her  cousin  Ebeneezer's,  for  her 
Pa  hadn't  give  her  much  money.  Says  she, 

"  I  hate  to  awfully.  It  is  revoltin'  to  all  the  fin  eh 
feelings  of  my  nature  to  take  dinneh  theah,  afteh  I 
have  been  so— "  she  stopped  suddenly,  and  then  went 
on  agin.  "  But  Pa  didn't  make  much  this  yeah,  and 
he  didn't  give  me  much  money,  he  nor  Ma  wouldn't 
have  thought  they  could  have  paid  my  faih  heah  on 
the  cars,  if  they  hadn't  thought  certain,  that  Ebeneezah's 
wife  would  be  took  from  us,  and  I — should  do  my 
duty  by  coming.  So  I  guess  I  will  go  theah  and  get 
dinneh." 

Thinks'es  I  to  myself,  "  If  your  folks  had  brought 
you  up  to  emanual  labor,  if  they  had  brought  you  up 
to  any  other  trade  only  to  get  married,  you  might 

have  money  enough  of  your  own  to  buy  one  dinner 
336 


I  RECEIVE  A  VISIT.  337 

independent,  without  dependin'  on  some  man  to  earn 
it  for  you."  But  I  didn't  say  nothin',  but  proceeded 
onwards  to  the  tavern  where  I  put  up.  When  I  got 
there  I  met  Johnothan  Beane'es  ex  wife,  and  says  she, 

"  Oh,  I  forgot,  there  is  a  lady  here  that  wanted  to 
see  you  when  you  got  back." 

"  Who  is  it,"  says  I. 

"It  is  a  female  lecturer  on  wimmen's  rights," 
eays  she. 

Well,  says  I,  "  Principle  before  vittles,  is  my  theme, 
fetch  her  on." 

Says  she,  "  Go  into  your  room  and  I'll  tell  her  you 
have  come,  and  bring  her  there.  She  is  awful  anx 
ious  to  see  you." 

Well,  says  I,  "  I'm  visible  to  the  naked  eye,  she 
won't  have  to  take  a  telescope,"  and  in  this  calm  state 
of  mind  I  went  into  my  room  and  .waited  for  her. 

Pretty  soon  she  came  in. 

Jonothan  Beans' es  ex  wife  introduced  us,  and  then 
went  out.  I  rose  up  and  took  holt  of  her  hand,  but 
I  give  it  a  sort  of  a  catious  shake,  for  I  didn't  like 
her  looks.  Of  all  the  painted,  and  frizzled,  and 
ruffled,  and  humped  up,  and  laced  down  critters  I 
ever  see,  she  was  the  cap  sheaf.  She  had  a  hump  on 
her  back  bigger  than  any  camel's  I  ever  see  to  a 
managery,  and  no  three  wimmen  ever  grew  the  hair 
that  critter,  had  piled  011  to  her  head. 

I  see  she  was  dissapointed  in  my  looks.    She  looked 


338  ON  A  LECTURE  TOWER. 

dreadful  kinder  scornful  down  onto  my  plain  alpaca, 
which  was  made  of  a  sensible  length.  Her's  hung 
down  on  the  carpet.  I'll  bet  there  was  more'n  n 
bushel  basket  of  puckers  and  ruffles  that  trailed  down 
on  to  the  floor  behind  her,  besides  all  there  was  on  th» 
skirt  and  waist. 

She  never  said  a  word  about  my  dress,  but  I  see 
she  looked  awful  scornful  on  to  it.  But  she  went  on 
to  talk  about  Wimmen's  Rights,  and  I  see  she  was 
one  of  the  wild  eyed  ones,  that  don't  use  no  reason. 
I  see  here  was  another  chance  for  me  to  do  good — to 
act  up  to  principle.  And  as  she  give  another  humili. 
atin'  look  onto  my  dress,  I  become  fully  determined 
in  my  own  mind,  that  I  wouldn't  shirk  out  from  doin' 
my  duty  by  her,  and  tell  her  jest  what  I  thought  of 
her  looks.  She  said  she  had  just  returned  from  a 
lecturin'  tower  out  in  the  Western  States,  and  that 
she  had  addressed  a  great  many  audiences,  and  had 
come  pretty  near  gettin'  a  Wimmen's  Right's  Gover 
nor  chosen  in  one  of  the  States.  She  got  to  kinder 
preachin'  after  a  while,  and  stood  lookin'  up  towards 
the  cealin',  and  her  hands  stretched  out  as  if  she  was 
a  lecturin'.  Says  she, 

"  Tyrant  man  shan't  never  rule  us."  Says  I,  "  I 
haint  no  objection  to  your  makin'  tyrant  man  better, 
if  you  can — there  is  a  chance  for  improvement  in 
'em — but  while  we  are  handlin'  '  motes,'  sister,  let  us 
remember  that  we  have  got  considerable  to  do  in  the 
line  of  i  beams.'  "  Says  I,  "  To  see  a  lot  of  immortal 


TYRANT  MAN  ATTACKED.  341 

wimmen  together,  sometimes,  you  would  think  the 
Lord  had  forgot  to  put  any  brains  into  their  heads, 
but  had  filled  it  all  up  with  dress  patterns,  and  gossip, 
and  beaux,  and  tattan." 

"  Tyrant  man  has  encouraged  this  weakness  of 
intellect.  He  has  for  ages  made  woman  a  plaything ; 
a  doll ;  a  menial  slave.  He  has  encouraged  her  weak 
ness  of  comprehension,  because  it  flattered  his  self 
love  and  vanity,  to  be  looked  up  to  as  a  superior 
bein'.  He  has  enjoyed  her  foolishness." 

"  No  doubt  there  is  some  truth  in  what  you  say, 
sister,  but  them  days  are  past.  A  modest,  intelligent 
woman  is  respected  and  admired  now,  more  than  a 
fool.  It  is  so  in  London  and  Xew  York  village, 
and"  says  I  with  some  modesty,  "it  is  so  in 
Jonesville." 

"  Tyrant  man,"  begun  the  woman  agin.  "Tyrant 
man  thinks  that  wimmen  are  weak,  slavish  idiots,  that 
don't  know  enough  to  vote.  But  them  tyrants  will 
find  themselves  mistaken." 

The  thought  that  Josiah  was  a  man,  came  to  me 
then  as  it  never  had  before.  And  as  she  looked  down 
from  the  cealin'  a  minute  on  to  my  dress  with  that 
scornful  mene,  principle  nerved  me  up  to  give  her  a 
piece  of  my  mind. 

Says  I,  "  'No  wonder  men  don't  think  that  we  know 
enough  to  vote  when  they  see  the  way  some  wimmen 
rig  themselves  out.  "Why  says  I,  a  bachelder  that  had 
always  kept  house  in  a  cave,  that  had  read  about  both 


342 


A  SUPPOSABLE  DKESS. 


and  hadn't  never  seen  neither,  would  as  soon  take  you 
for  a  dromedary  as  a  woman." 

She  turned  round  quicker'n  lightnin',  and  as  she 
did  so,  I  see  her  hump  plainer'n  ever. 
Says  she,  "  Do  you  want  to  insult  me  ? " 
"  No,"  says  I,  "  my  intentions  are  honorable,  mom." 
"But,"  says  I,  puttin'  the  question  plain  to  her, 
"  would  you  vote  for  a  man,  that  had  his  pantaloons 

made  with  trails 
to  'em  dauglin'  on 
the  ground,  and 
his  vest  drawed  in 
to  the  bottom  tight 
enough  to  cut  him 
into,  and  his  coat 
tails  humped  out 
with  a  bustle,  and 
somebody  else's 
hair  pinned  on  the 
back  of  his  head  r( 
Would  you  ?"  says 
I  solemnly  fixin1 
my  spectacles 
keenly  onto  her 
face.  "  Much  as  I 
respect  and  honor  Horace  Greeley,  if  that  pure- 
minded  and  noble  man  should  rig  himself  out  with  a 
bustle  and  trailin'  pantaloons,  I  wouldn't  vote  for  him, 
and  Josiah  shouldn't  neither." 


BOW   WOULD    YOU    LIKE    IT? 


A  CURE  FOR  PANTIN'  HEARTS. 

But  she  went  right  on  without  mindin'  me — "  Man 
has  always  tried  to  dwarf  our  intellects ;  cramp  our 
souls.     The  sore  female  heart  pants  for  freedom.     It 
is  sore  !  and  it  pants." 

Her  eyes  was  rolled  up  in  her  head,  and  she  had 
lifted  both  hands  in  a  eloquent  way,  as  she  said  this, 
and  I  had  a  fair  view  of  her  waist,  it  wasn't  much 
bigger  than  a  pipe's  tail.  And  I  says  to  her  in  a  low, 
friendly  tone.  "  Seein'  we  are  only  females  present, 
let  me  ask  you  in  a  almost  motherly  way,  w^heii  your 
heart  felt  sore  and  pantin'  did  you  ever  loosen  your 
cosset  strings  ?  Why,"  says  I,  "  no  wonder  your 
heart  feels  sore,  no  wonder  it  pants,  the  only  wonder 
is,  that  it  don't  get  discouraged  and  stop  beatin'  at  all." 

She  wanted  to  waive  off  the  subject,  I  knew,  for 
she  rolled  up  her  eyes  higher  than  ever,  and  agin  she 
began  "  Tyrant  man  " — 

Agin  I  thought  of  Josiah,  and  agin  I  interrupted 
her  by  sayin'  "  Men  haint  the  worst  critters  in  the 
world,  they  are  as  generous  and  charitable  agin,  as 
wimmen  are,  as  a  general  thing." 

"  Then  what  do  you  want  wimmen  to  vote  for,  if 
you  think  so  ? ' 

"Because  I  want  justice  done  to  every  human 
bein'.  Justice  never  hurt  nobody  yet,  and  rights 
given  through  courtesy  and  kindness,  haint  so  good 
in  the  long  run,  as  rights  given  by  law.  And  besides, 
there  are  exceptions  to  every  rule.  There  are  mean 
men  in  the  world  as  well  as  good  ones.  Justice  to 


344  A  STAR  OF  HOPE. 

wiminen  won't  prevent  charitable  men  from  bein' 
charitable,  generous  men  from  bein'  generous,  and 
good  men  from  bein'  good,  while  it  will  restrain 
selfishness  and  tyrany.  One  class  was  never  at  the 
mercy  of  another,  in  any  respect,  without  that 
power  bein'  abused  in  some  instances.  Wiminen 
havin'  the  right  to  vote  haint  a  goin'  to  turn  the 
world  over  to  once,  and  make  black,  white,  in  a 
minute,  not  by  no  means.  But  I  sincerely  believe 
it  will  bring  a  greater  good  to  the  female  race  and 
to  the  world." 

Says  I,  in  my  most  eloquent  way,  "  There  is  a 
star  of  hope  a  risin'  in  the  East  for  wimmen.  Let 
us  f oiler  on  after  it  through  the  desert  of  the  present 
time,  not  with  our  dresses  trailin'  down  onto  the 
sandy  ground,  and  our  waists  lookin'  like  pismires, 
and  our  hair  frizzled  out  like  maniacs.  Let  us  go 
with  our  own  hair  on  our  heads,  soberly,  decently, 
and  in  order;  let  us  behave  ourselves  in  such  a 
sober,  Christian  way,  that  we  can  respect  ourselves, 
and  then  men  will  respect  us." 

"  I  thought "  says  she,  that  you  was  a  pure  Wim- 
men's  Righter!  I  thought  you  took  part  with  us 
in  our  warfare  with  our  foeman  man !  I  thought 
you  was  a  firm  friend  to  wimmen.  but  I  find  I  am 
mistaken." 

"  I  am  a  friend  to  wimmen,"  says  I,  "and  because 
I  am,  I  don't  want  her  to  make  a  natural  born  fool 
of  herself.  And  I  say  agin,  I  don't  wonder  some- 


DRESS  AND  STATESMANSHIP. 


345 


times,  that  men  don't  think  that  wimmen  know 
enough  to  vote,  when  they  see  'em  go  on.  If  a 
woman  don't  know  enough  to  make  a  dress  so  she 
can  draw  a  long  breath  in  it,  how  is  she  goin'  to 
take  deep  and  broad  views  of  public  affairs?  If 
she  puts  30  yards  of  calico  into  a  dress,  besides  the 
trimmin's,  how  is  she  goin'  to  preach  acceptably  on 
political  economy?  If  her  face  is  covered  with 
-Li 


FEMALE  STATESMANSHIP. 

paint,  and  her  curls  and  frizzles    all    danglin'  down 
onto  her  eyes,  how  can  she  look  straight  and  keenly 

into  foreign  nations  and  see  our  relations  there  ?     If 
14* 


346  A  DINNER  AND  A  DESERT. 

a  woman  don't  know  enough  to  keep  her  dresB  out 
of  the  mud,  how  is  she  goin'  to  steer  the  nation 
through  the  mud  puddle  of  politics?  If  a  woman 
humps  herself  out,  and  makes  a  camel  of  herself, 
how  is  she  goin'  through  the  eye  of  a  needle?" 

I  said  these  last  words  in  a  real  solemn  camp  meetin' 
tone,  but  they  seemed  to  mad  her,  for  she  started 
right  up  and  went  out,  and  I  didn't  care  a  cent  if  she 
did,  I  had  seen  enough  of  her.  She  ketched  her  trail 
in  the  door  and  tore  off  pretty  nigh  a  yard  of  it,  and 
I  didn't  cry  about  that,  not  a  mite.  I  don't  like  these 
bold  brazen  faced  wimmen  that  go  a  rantin'  round  the 
country,  rigged  out  in  that  way,  jest  to  make  them 
selves  notorious.  Thier  names  hadn't  ought  to  be 
mentioned  in  the  same  day,  with  true  earnest  wimmen 
who  take  thier  reputations  in  thier  hands,  and  give 
tliier  lives  to  the  cause  of  Eight,  goin'  ahead  walkin' 
afoot  through  the  wilderness,  cuttin'  down  trees,  and 
diggin'  out  stumps,  makin'  a  path  for  the  car  of  Free 
dom,  that  shall  yet  roll  onward  into  Liberty. 

As  soon  as  she  was  gone,  I  went  down  and  eat  my 
dinner,  for  I  was  hungry  as  a  bear.  At  the  dinner 
table  Jonothan  Beans'es  ex  wife  asked  me  "  what  I 
would  like  for  desert." 

I  told  her  "  I  hadn't  turned  my  mind  much  that 
way,  for  I  hadn't  no  idee  of  goin'  into  the  desert  busi 
ness,  I  wouldn't  buy  one  any  way,  and  I  wouldn't 
take  one  as  a  gift  if  I  had  got  to  settle  down,  and  live 


DECIDE  TO  GO  SHOPPIN'.  347 

on  it.  But  from  what  I  had  heard  Thomas  Jefferson 
read  about  it,  I  thought  the  desert  of  Sarah  was 
about  as  roomy  and  raised  as  much  sand  to  the  acre 
as  any  of  'em." 

Says  she,  turnin'  the  subject,."  will  you  have  pie  or 
puddin'." 

I  couldn't  see  then,  and  I  have  thought  about  it  lots 
sense,  I  don't  see  what  started  her  off  onto  Gography 
all  of  a  sudden. 

After  dinner  I  thought  I  would  rest  a  spell.  My 
talk  with  that  female  lecturer  had  tired  me  out.  Prin 
ciple  is  dreadful  tuckeriri'  to  any  body,  when  you 
make  it  a  stiddy  business.  I  had  rather  wash,  any 
time,  than  to  go  off  on  a  tower  of  it  as  I  was.  So  I 
went  to  my  room  and  sot  down  real  comfortable. 
But  I  hadn't  sot  more'n  a  minute  and  a  half,  when 
Betsey  Bobbet  came,  and  nothin'  to  do,  but  I  must  go 
to  Stewarts'es  store  with  her.  I  hung  back  at  first, 
but  then  I  happened  to  think,  if  Alexander  should 
hear — as  of  course  he  would — that  I  had  been  to  the 
village  and  hadn't  been  to  his  shop,  he  would  have 
reason  to  feel  hurt.  Alexander  is  a  real  likely  man, 
and  I  didn't  want  to  hurt  his  feelin's,  and  it  haint 
my  way  to  want  to  slight  anybody.  And  then  I  had 
a  little  tradin'  I  wanted  to  do.  So  take  it  all  together, 
I  finally  told  Betsey  I  would  go  with  her. 


ALEXANDER'S   STORE. 


I  HAD  heard  it  was  considerable  of  a  store,  but 
good  land !  it  was  bigger  than  all  the  shops  of 
Joiiesville  put  together,  and  2  or  3  10  acre  lots,  and  a 
few  meetin'  housen.  But  I  wouldn't  have  acted 
skairt,  if  it  had  been  as  big  as  all  Africa.  I  walked 
in  as  cool  as  a  cowcumber.  We  sot  down  pretty  nigh 
o  the  door  and  looked  round  a  spell.  Of  all  the 
sights  of  folks  there  was  a  comin'  in  all  the  time, 
and  shinin'  counters  all  down  as  fur  as  we  could  see, 
and  slick  lookin'  fellers  behind  every  one,  and  lots  of 
boys  runnin'  round,  that  they  called  "  Cash."  I  says 
to  Betsey, 

"  What  a  large  family  of  boys  Mr.  Cash'es  folks 
have  got,  and  they  must  some  of  'em  be  twins,  they 
seem  to  be  about  of  a  size." 

I  was  jest  thinkin'  in  a  pity  in  way  of  their  mother  : 
poor  Mrs.  Cash,  and  how  many  pantaloons  she  would 
have  to  put  new  seats  into,  in  slidin'  down  hill  time, 

when  Betsey  says  to  me, 

348 


THE  PRICE  OF  EGGS  AND  BUTTER.  349 

u  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  hadn't  you  better  be  pur 
chasing  your  merchandise  1 "  Says  she,  "  I  will 
set  here  and  rest  'till  you  get  through,  and  as  deah 
Tuppah  remarked, i  study  human  nature.' "  She  didn't 
have  no  book  as  I  could  see  to  study  out  of,  but  I 
didn't  make  no  remarks,  Betsey  is  a  curious  critter, 
anyway.  I  went  up  to  the  first  counter — there  was  a 
real  slick  lookin'  feller  there,  and  I  asked  him  in  a 
cool  tone,  "  If  Mr.  Stewart  took  eggs,  and  what  they 
was  a  fetchin'  now  ?  " 

He  said  "  Mr.  Stewart  don't  take  eggs." 

"  Well,"  says  I,  "  what  does  he  give  now  for  butter 
in  the  pail  ? " 

He  said  "  Mr.  Stewart  don't  take  butter." 

"  Well,"  says  I,  in  a  dignified  way,  "  It  haint  no 
matter,  I  only  asked  to  see  what  they  was  a  fetchin' 
here.  I  haint  got  any  with  me,  for  I  come  on  a 
tower."  I  then  took  a  little  roll  out  of  my  pocket, 
and  undone  'em.  It  was  a  pair  of  socks  and  a  pair  of 
striped  mittens.  And  I  says  to  him  in  a  cool,  calm 
way, 

"  How  much  is  Mr.  Stewart  a  payin'  for  socks  and 
mittens  now.  I  know  they  are  kinder  out  of  season 
now,  but  there  haint  no  danger  but  what  Winter  will 
come,  if  you  only  wait  long  enough." 

He  said  "  we  don't  take  em." 

I  felt  dissapointed,  for  I  did  want  Alexander  to 
have  'em,  they  was  knit  so  good.  I  was  jest  thinkin' 


350 


INDIGO  BLUE  SOCKS  AND  MITTENS. 


this  over,  when  he  spoke  up  agin,  and  says  he,  "  we 
don't  take  barter  of  no  kind."  I  didn't  know  really 
what  he  meant,  but  I  answered  him  in  a  blind  way, 
that  it  was  jest  as  well  as  if  they  did,  as  fur  as  I  was 
concerned,  for  we  hadn't  raised  any  barter  that  year, 
it  didn't  seem  to  be  a  good  year  for  it,"  and  then  I 
continued  on — "Mebby  Mr.  Stewart  would  take  these 
?  ooks  j'.nd  mittens  for  his  own  use."  Says  I,  "do  you 


DOM  I    TAKE    UAKTEK. 

know  whether  Alexander  is  well  off  for  socks  and 
mittens  or  not  ? " 

The   clerk  said  "  he  guessed  Mr.   Stewart   wasn't 
sufferin'  for  'em." 

"  Well,"  says  I  in  a  dignified  way,  "  you  can  do  as 
you  are  a  mind  to  about  takin'  'em,  but  they  are 
colored  in  a  good  indigo  blue  dye,  they  haint  pusley 
color,  and  they  are  knit  on  honor,  jest  as  I  knit 
Josiah's." 


A  LOOK  AT  CALICOS.  351 

"  Who  is  Josiah  ? "  says  the  clerk. 

Says  I,  a  sort  of  blindly,  "  He  is  the  husband  of 
Josiah  Allen's  wife." 

I  would't  say  right  out,  that  I  was  Josiah  Allen's 
wife,  because  I  wanted  them  socks  and  mittens  to 
stand  on  their  own  merits,  or  not  at  all.  I  wasn't 
goin'  to  have  'em  go,  jest  because  one  of  the  first 
wimmen  of  the  day  knit  'em.  Neither  was  I  goin'  to 
hang  on,  and  tease  him  to  take  'em.  I  never  said 
another  word  about  his  buyin'  'em,  only  mentioned  in 
a  careless  way,  that  "  the  heels  was  run."  But  he 
didn't  seem  to  want  'em,  and  I  jest  folded  'em  up, 
and  in  a  cool  way  put  'em  into  my  pocket.  I  then 
asked  to  look  at  his  calicos,  for  I  was  pretty  near 
decided  in  my  own  mind  to  get  a  apron,  for  I  wasn't 
goin'  to  have  him  think  that  all  my  property  lay  in 
that  pair  of  socks  and  mittens. 

He  told  me  where  to  go  to  see  the  calicos,  and 
there  was  another  clerk  behind  that  counter.  I  didn't 
like  his  looks  a  bit,  he  was  real  uppish  lookin'.  But 
I  wasn't  goin'  to  let  him  mistrust  that  I  was  put  to 
my  stumps  a  bit.  I  walked  up  as  collected  tookin'  as 
if  I  owned  the  whole  caboodle  of  'em,  and  New  York 
village,  and  Jonesville,  and  says  I, 

"  I  want  to  look  at  your  calicos." 

"  What  prints  will  you  look  at  ? "  says  he,  meanin' 
to  put  on  me. 

Says  I,  "  I  don't  want  to  look  at  no  Prince,"  says  I, 


352  FOREIGN  PRINCES. 

"  I  had  ruther  see  a  free  born  American  citizen,  than 
all  the  foreign  Princes  you  can  bring  out."  Says  I, 
"  Americans  make  perfect  fools  of  themselves  in  my 
mind,  a  runnin'  after  a  parcel  of  boys,  whose  only 
merit  is,  they  happened  to  be  bom  before  thier 
brothers  and  sisters  was."  Says  I,  "  If  a  baby  is  born 
in  a  meetin'  house,  it  don't  make  out  that  he  is  born  a 
preacher.  A  good  smart  American  boy  like  Thomas 
Jefferson,  looks  as  good  to  me  as  any  of  your 
Princes."  I  said  this  in  a  noble,  lofty  tone,  but  after 
a  minute's  thought  I  went  on, 

"  Though,  if  you  have  got  a  quantity  of  Princes 
here,  I  had  as  lives  see  one  of  Victory's  boys,  as 
any  of  'em.  The  widder  Albert  is  a  good  house 
keeper,  and  a  first-rate  calculator,  and  a  woman  that 
has  got  a  Eight.  I  set  a  good  deal  of  store  by  the 
widder  Albert,  I  always  thought  I  should  like  to  get 
acquainted  with  her,  and  visit  back  and  forth,  and 
neighbor  with  her." 

I  waited  a  minute,  but  he  didn't  make  no  move 
towards  showin'  me  any  Prince.  But,  says  he, 

"  What  kind  of  calico  do  you  want  to  look  at  ? " 

I  thought  he  come  off  awful  sudden "  from  Princes 
to  calico,  but  I  didn't  say  nothin'.  But  I  told  him  "  I 
would  like  to  look  at  a  chocklate  colored  ground 
work,  with  a  set  flower  on  it." 

"  Shan't  I  show  you  a  Dolly  Yarden,"  says  he. 

I  see  plainly  that  he  was  a  tryin'  to  impose  on  me, 


DOLLY  VARDEN.  353 

talkin'  about  Princes  and  Dolly  Yarden,  and  says  I 
with  dignity, 

"  If  I  want  to  make  Miss  Yarden's  acquaintance,  I 
can,  without  askin'  you  to  introduce  me.  But,"  I 
continued  coldly,  "I  don't  care  about  gettin'  ac 
quainted  with  Miss  Yarden,  I  have  heard  her  name 
talked  over  too  much  in  the  street.  I  am  afraid  she 
haint  a  likely  girl.  I  am  afraid  she  haint  such  a  girl 
as  I  should  want  my  Tirzah  Ann  to  associate  with. 
Ever  sense  I  started  from  Jonesville  I  have  heard  that 
girl  talked  about."  '  There  is  Dolly  Yarden  ! '  and 
'  Oh  look  at  Dolly  Yarden  ! '  I  have  heard  it  I  bet 
more'  a  hundred  times  sense  I  sot  out.  And  it  seems 
to  rne  that  no  modest  girl  wrould  be  traipsin'  all  over 
the  country  alone,  for  I  never  have  heard  a  word 
about  old  Mr.  and  Miss  Yarden,  or  any  of  the  Yarden 
boys.  Not  that  it  is  anything  out  of  charicter  to  go  off 
on  a  tower.  I  am  off  on  a  tower  myself,"  says  I,  with 
quite  a  good  deal  of  dignity,  "  but  it  don't  look 
well  for  a  young  girl  like  her,  to  be  streamin'  round 
alone.  I  wish  I  could  see  old  Mr.  and  Miss  Yarden, 
I  would  advise  the  old  man  and  woman  to  keep 
Dolly  at  home,  if  they  have  any  regard  for  her  good 
name.  Though  I'm  afraid,"  I  repeated,  lookin'  at 
him  keenly  over  my  specs,  "  I'm  afraid  it  is  too  late 
for  me  to  interfere,  I  am  afraid  she  haint  a  likely 
girl." 

His  face  was  jest  as  red  as  blood.     But  he  tried  to. 


354  DOLLY  VARDEN'S  ACQUAINTANCE. 

turn  it  off  with  a  laugh.  And  lie  said  somethin' 
about  her  "  bein'  the  style,"  and  "  bein'  gay,"  or  some- 
thin'.  But  I  jest  stopped  him  pretty  quick.  Says  L 
givin'  him  a  awful  searchin'  look, 

"I  think  jest  as  much  of  Dolly  as  I  do  of  her 

most  intimate 
friends,  male  or 
female." 

He  pretended  to 
turn  it  off  with  a 
laugh.  But  1 
know  a  guilty  con 
science  when  I  sec 
it  as  quick  as  any 
body.  I  haint  one 
to  break  a  bruised 
reed  more  than 
once  into.  And 
my  spectacles 
beamed  more 

DOLLY  TARDEN.  mildly  onto  him, 

and  I  says  to  him  in  a  kind  but  firm  manner. 

"  Young  man,  if  I  was  in  your  place,  I  would  drop 
Dolly  Yarden's  acquaintance."    Says  I,  "  I  advise  you 
for  your  own  good,  jest  as  I  would  Thomas  Jefferson." 
"  Who  is  Thomas  Jefferson  ? "  says  he. 
Says  I,  in  a  cautious  tone,  "  He  is  Josiah  Allen's 
child,  by  his  first  wife,  aud  the  own  brother  of  Tirzah 
Ann." 


A  DREADFUL  DISCOVERY.  355 

I  then  laid  my  hand  on  a  piece  of  choklate  ground 
calico,  and  says  I,  "  This  suits  me  pretty  well,  but  I 
have  my  doubts,"  says  I,  examinin'  it  closer  through 
my  specs,  I  "mistrust  it  will  fade  some.  What  is 
your  opinion  ?"  says  I,  speakin'  to  a  elegantly  dressed 
woman  by  my  side,  who  stood  there  with  her  rich 
silk  dress  a  trailin  down  on  the  floor. 

"  Do  you  suppose  this  calico  will  wash  mom  ?" 

I  was  so  busy  a  rubbin'  the  calico  to  see  if  it  was 
firm  cloth,  that  I  never  looked  up  in  her  face  at  all. 
But  when  I  asked  her  for  the  third  time,  and  she 
did'nt  speak,  I  looked  up  in  her  face,  and  I  haint 
come  so  near  faintin'  sence  I  was  united  to  Josiah 
Allen.  That  woman's  head  was  off 7 

The  clerk  see  that  I  was  overcome  by  something 
and  says  he,  "  what  is  the  matter  ?" 

I  could' nt  speak,  but  I  pinted  with  my  forefinger 
stiddy  at  that  murdered  woman.  I  guess  I  had 
pinted  at  her  pretty  nigh  half  a  minute,  when  I  found 
breath  and  says  I,  slowly  turnin'  that  extended  finger 
at  him,  in  so  burnin'  indignant  a  way,  that  if  it  had 
been  a  spear,  he  would  have  hung  dead  on  it. 

"  That  is  pretty  doin's  in  a  Christian  country  !" 

His  face  turned  red  as  blood  agin — and  looked  all 
swelled  up,  he  was  so  mortified.  And  he  murmured 
somethin'  about  her"bein'  dumb,"  or  a  "dummy" 
or  somethin' — but  I  interrupted  him — and  says  I, 

"  I  guess  you  would  be  dumb  yourself  if  your 
head  was  cut  off."  Says  I,  in  awful  sarcastic  tones, 


356      BETSEY  PROPOSES  TO  SELL  POETRY. 

"  It  would  be  pretty  apt  to  make  any  body  dumb." 

Then  he  explaned  it  to  me.  That  it  was  a  wooden 
figger,  to  hang  thier  dresses  and  mantillys  on.  And 
I  cooled  down  and  told  him  I  would  take  a  yard  and  3 
quarters  of  the  calico,  enough  for  a  honorable  apron. 

Says  he,  "  We  don't  sell  by  retail  in  this  room." 

I  give  that  clerk  then  a  piece  of  my  mind.  I  asked 
him  how  many  aprons  he  supposed  Tirzah  Ann  and  I 
stood  in  need  of  ?  1  asked  him  if  he  supposed  we  was 
entirely  destitute  of  aprons  ?  And  I  asked  him  in  a 
awful  sarcastic  tone  if  he  had  a  idee  that  Josiah  and 
Thomas  Jefferson  wore  aprons  ?  Says  I,  "any  body 
would  think  you  did."  Says  I,  turnin'  away  awful 
dignified,  "  when  I  come  agin  I  will  come  when  Al 
exander  is  in  the  store  himself." 

I  joined  Betsey  by  the  door,  and  says  I,  "  Less  go 
on  to  once." 

"But "  says  she,  to  me  in  a  low  mysterious  voice ; 
"  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  do  you  suppose  they  would 
want  to  let  me  have  a  straw  colored  silk  dress,  and 
take  thier  pay  in  poetry  ?" 

Says  I,  for  the  land's  sake  Betsey,  don't  try  to  sell 
any  poetry  here.  I  am.  wore  out.  If  they  wont  take 
any  sacks  and  mittens,  or  good  butter  and  eggs,  I 
know  they  wont  take  poetry." 

She  argued  a  spell  with  me,  but  I  stood  firm,  for 
I  wouldn't  let  her  demean  herself  for  nothin'.  And 
finally  I  got  her  to  go  on. 


A  HARROWIN'  OPERATION. 


ALL  I  could  do  and  say,  Betsey  would  keep  a  goin' 
into  one  store  after  another,  and  I  jest  trailed 
round  with  her  'till  it  was  pitch  dark.     Finally  after 
arguin'  I  got  her  headed  towards  her  cousin's. 

It  was  as  late  as  half  past  eight  when  I  got  back  to 
Miss  Asters'es.  As  I  went  by  the  parlor  door,  I  heard  a 
screechin'  melankoly  hollerin'.  Thinks' es  I  to  my 
self,  "  somebody's  hurt  in  there,  some  female  I  should 
think,  by  the  voice."  I  thought  at  first  I  wouldn't 
interfere,  as  there  was  enough  to  take  her  part,  for  the 
room  seemed  to  be  chuck  full.  So  I  was  goin'  on  up 
to  my  room,  when  it  come  to  my  ears  agin,  louder 
and  more  agonizin'  than  ever.  I  couldn't  stand  it. 
As  a  female  who  was  devoted  to  the  cause  of  Right, 
I  felt  that  in  the  behalf  of  my  sect  I  would  see  what 
could  be  done.  I  kinder  squeezed  my  way  in,  up 
towards  the  sound,  and  pretty  soon  I  got  where  I 
could  see  her.  Then  I  knew  she  was  crazy. 

She  looked  bad.     Her  dress  seemed  to  be  nice  silfej 
357 


358 


A  POOR  MANIAC. 


but  it  jest  hung  on  to  her  shoulders,  and  she  had 
strung  a  lot  of  beads  and  things  round  her  neck — you 
know  how  such  poor  critters  will  rig  themselves  out— 
and  she  had  tore  at  her  hair  so  she  had  got  it  all 
streamin,  down  her  neck.  Her  face  was  deathly 
white,  only  in  the  middle  of  her  cheeks  there  was  a 


fVvorish  spot  of  fire  red.       Her  eyes  was  rolled  up  in 
her  head.     She  looked  real  bad. 

She  had  got  to  the  piano  in  some  way,  and  there 
she  set  a  poundin'  it,  and  yellin'.  Oh  how  harrowin' 
it  was  to  the  nerves,  it  made  my  heart  almost  ache  to 


AN  AFFECTIN'  SIGHT.  359 

see  her.  There  was  a  good  many  nicely  dressed 
wimmen  and  men  in  the  room  and  some  of  'em 
was  leanin'  over  the  poor  girl's  shoulders,  a  lookin'  at 
her  hands  go,  and  some  of  them  wimmen's  dresses 
was  hangin'  down  off  their  shoulders,  so  that  I 
thought  they  must  have  been  kinder  strugglin'  with 
the  maniac  and  got  'em  all  pulled  down  and  torn  open, 
and  they  looked  most  as  crazy  as  she  did. 

The  poor  girl  didn't  know  a  word  she  was  sayin'  but 
she  kep  a  mutterin'  over  somethin'  to  herself  in  a 
unknown  tongue.  There  wasn't  no  words  to  it.  But 
poor  thing,  she  didn't  sense  it.  Some  of  the  time  she 
would  be  a  smilin'  to  herself,  and  go  on  a  mutterin' 
kinder  lo\v,  and  then  her  worse  fits  seemed  to  come 
on  in  spasms,  and  she  would  go  to  poundin'  the  piano 
and  yellin'.  And  I  see  by  the  way  her  hands  went 
that  she  had  got  another  infirmity  too.  I  see  she  had 
got  Mr.  Yitus'es  dance.  It  was  a  sad  sight  indeed. 

As  I  see  the  poor  thing  set  there  with  her  dress 
most  off  of  her,  jest  a  hangin'  on  her  shoulders,  right 
there  before  so  many  men,  I  though  to  myself,  what 
if  was  my  Tirzah  Ann  there  in  that  condition.  But 
one  thing  I  know  as  long  as  Josiah  Allen's  wife  lived, 
she  wouldn't  go  a  wanderin'  round  half  naked,  to  be 
a  laughin'  stock  to  the  community.  I  took  it  so  right, 
to  myself,  I  kep  a  thinkin'  so,  what  if  it  was  our  Tirzah 
Ann,  that  there  wasn't  hardly  a  dry  eye  in  my  head. 
And  I  turned  to  a  bystanter,  standin'  by  my  side,  and 


360  AN  EAR  FOR  MUSIC. 

says  I  to  him  in  a  voice  almost  choked  down  with 
emotion, 

"  Has  the  poor  thing  been  so  long  \  Can't  she  get 
any  help  ?" 

Jest  that  minute  she  begun  to  screech  and  pound 
louder  and  more  harrowin'  than  ever,  and  I  says  in 
still  more  sorrowful  accents,  with  my  spectacles  bent 
pityin'ly  on  her, 

"  It  seems  to  come  on  by  spasms,  don't  it  ?" 

She  kinder  held  up  in  her  screechin'  then,  and  went 
at  her  mutterin'  agin  in  that  unknown  tongue,  and  he 
heard  me,  and  says  he, 

"  Beautiful !  hain't  it  ?" 

That  madded  me.  I  give  that  man  a  piece  of  my 
mind.  I  told  him  plainly  that  it  "  was  bad  enough 
to  have  such  infirmities  without  bein'  made  a  public 
circus  of.  And  I  didn't  have  no  opinion  of  anybody 
that  enjoyed  such  a  scene  and  made  fun  of  such  poor 
critters." 

He  looked  real  pert,  and  said  somethin'  about  my 
"  not  haviii'  a  ear  for  music." 

That  madded  me  agin.  And  says  I,  "  Young  man, 
tell  me  that  I  hain't  got  any  ears  agin  if  you  dare  !" 
and  I  ontied  my  bonnet  strings,  and  lifted  up  the  cor 
ner  of  my  head  dress.  Says  I,  "  What  do  you  call 
that  ?  If  that  hain't  a  ear,  what  is  it  ?  And  as  for 
music,  I  guess  I  know  what  music  is,  as  well  as  any 
body  in  this  village."  Says  I,  "  you  ought  to  hear 


TIRZAH  ANN  AS  A  MUSICIAN,  361 

Tirzah  Ann  sing  jest  between  daylight  and  dark,  if 
you  want  to  hear  music."  Says  I,"  her  organ  is  a  good 
soundin'  one  everybody  says.  It  ought  to  be,  for  we 
turned  off  a  good  two  year  old  colt,  and  one  of  our 
best  cows  for  it.  And  when  she  pulls  out  the  trem- 
blin'  stopple  in  front  of  it,  and  plays  psalm  tunes  Sun-, 
day  nights  jest  before  sundown,  with  the  shadders 
of  the  mornin'  glory  vines  a  tremblin'  all  over  her,  as 
she  sings  old  Corinth,  and  Hebron,  I  have  seen  Josiah 
look  at  her  and  listen  to  her  till  he  had  to  pull  out  his 
red  bandanna  handkerchief  and  wipe  his  eyes." 

"  Who  is  Josiah  ?"  says  he. 

Says  I,  "  It  is  Tirzah  Ann's  father."  And  I  con 
tinued  goin'  on  with  my  subject.  "  ~No  medder  lark 
ever  had  a  sweeter  voice  than  our  Tirzah  Ann.  And 
when  she  sings  about  the  '  Sweet  fields  that  stand 
dressed  in  livin'  green,'  she  sings  it  in  such  a  way, 
that  you  almost  feel  as  if  you  had  waded  through  the 
'  swelliii  flood,'  and  was  standin'  in  them  heavenly 
medders.  Tell  me  I  never  heard  music  !  Ask  Whit- 
field  Minkley  whether  Tirzah  Ann  can  sing  Anna 
Lowery  or  not,  on  week  day  evenin's,  and  old  Mr. 
Robin  Grey.  Ask  Whitfield  Minkley,  if  you  don't 
believe  me.  He  is  a  minister's  only  son,  and  he 
hadn't  ought  to  lie." 

The  little  conceited  feller's  face  looked  as  red  as  a 
beet.    He  was  a  poor  lookin'  excuse  any  way,  a  uppish, 

dandyfied  lookin'  chap,  with  his  moustache  turned  up 
15 


362  A  SENSIBLE  MAN. 

at  the  corners,  and  twisted  out  like  a  waxed  end.  lie 
pretended  to  laugh,  but  he  showed  signs  of  mortifica 
tion,  as  plain  as  I  ever  see  it.  And  he  put  up  his 
specs,  and  I'll  be  hanged  if  he  hadn't  broke  one  eye 
offen  'em,  and  looked  at  me  through  it.  But  I  wasn't 
dawnted  by  him,  not  a  bit.  I  didn't  care  how  close 
he  looked  at  me.  Josiah  Allen's  wife  hain't  afraid 
to  be  examined  through  a  double  barreled  telescope. 

Just  then  a  good  lookin'  man  with  long  sensible 
whiskers  and  moustache,  hangin'  the  way  the  Lord 
meant  'em  to,  and  who  had  come  up  while  I  was  a 
speakin'  this  last — spoke  to  me  and  says  he, 

"  I  am  like  you  madam,  I  like  ballads  better  than  I 
do  opera  music  for  the  parlor." 

I  didn't  really  know  what  he  meant,  but  he  looked 
good  and  sensible  lookin'  and  so  says  I  in  a  blind  way, 

"  Yes  like  as  not." 

Says  he,  "  I  am  very  partial  to  those  old  songs  you 
have  mentioned." 

Says  I  "  They  can't  be  bettered." 

Before  I  could  say  another  word,  that  poor  crazy 
thing  begun  agin,  to  yell,  and'  pound  and  screech, 
and  I  says  to  him, 

"  Poor  thing  !  couldn't  there  be  somethin'  done  for 
her?  If  her  mind  can't  be  restored,  can't  she  get  help 
for  Mr.  Yitus'es  dance  ?" 

And  then  he  explained  it  to  me,  he  said  she  wasn't 
crazy,  and  didn't  have  Mr.  Yitus'es  dance.  He  said 


THE  OPERATION  OF  THE— DAVID.       363 

she  was  a  very  fashionable  young  lady  and  it  was  a 
opera  she  was  singin'." 

"  A  operation,"  says  I  sithin'  "  I  should  think  as 
much  !  I  should  think  it  was  a  operation !  It  is  a 
operation  I  don't  want  to  see  or  hear  agin."  And 
says  I  anxiously,  "  Is  it  as  hard  on  everybody  as  it  is 
on  her  ?  Does  everybody  have  the  operation  as  hard 
as  she  has  got  it  ?" 

He  kinder  smiled,  and  turned  it  off  by  sayin'  "  It 
is  the  opera  of  Fra  Diovole" 

"Brother  Devel "  says  the  conceited  little  chap 
with  the  waxed  end  moustache. 

"  '  The  Operation  of  the  -  '  on  account  of  my 

connection  with  the  M.  E.  church,  says  I,  "  I  will  call 
it  David."  But  they  both  knew  what  I  meant.  "  The  op 
eration  of  the —  the  David.  I  should  think  as  much." 

And  I  don't  know  as  I  was  ever  more  thankful 
than  I  was  when  I  reflected  how  my  pious  M.  E.  pa 
rents  had  taught  me  how  to  shun  that  place  of  awful 

torment  where  the David  makes  it  his  home. 

For  a  minute  these  feelin's  of  thankfulness  swallered 
these  other  emotions  almost  down.  But  then  as  I 
took  another  thought,  it  madded  me  to  think  that 
likely  folks  should  be  tormented  by  it  on  earth. 
And  I  says  to  the  little  feller  with  the  waxed  end 
moustache, 

"If  that  operation  is  one  of  the  torments  that  the 

the  David  keeps  to  torment  the  wicked  with,  it 

is  a  burnin'  shame  that  it  should  be  used  beforehand, 


36-i  FAREWELL  TO  MISS  ASTERS'ES. 

here  on  earth,  to  torment  other  Christian  folks  with. 

I  didn't  wait  for  him  to  answer,  but  I  turned 
round  with  a  real  lot  of  dignity,  and  sailed  out  of  the 
room.  It  was  with  a  contented  and  happy  feelin'  the 
next  mornin'  that  I  collected  together  my  cap  box, 
and  spectacle  case,  packed  my  satchel  bag  with  my 
barred  muslin  night  cap  and  night  gown,  and  put  my 
umberella  into  its  gingham  sheath  (for  it  was  a  pleas 
ant  mornin')  and  set,  as  you  may  say,  my  face  home 
wards.  I  thought  I  would  proceed  right  from  Hor 
ace's  to  the  depott,  and  not  come  back  agin  to  Miss 
Aster'ses.  I  paid  my  bill  with  a  calm  demeaner, 
though  it  galled  me  to  see  'em  ask  such  a  price. 

Jonothan  Bcans'es  ex  wife  seemed  to  hate  to  have 
me  go,  she  is  one  that  don't  forget  the  days  when  she 
first  went  to  grass.  I  told  her  to  tell  Miss  Aster  just 
how  it  was,  that  I  felt  as  if  I  must  go,  for  Josiah 
would  be  expectin'  me.  But  I  would  love  to  stay 
and  get  acquainted  with  her.  But  she  had  so  much 
on  her  hands,  such  a  gang  to  cook  for,  that  I  knew 
she  didn't  have  no  time  to  visit  with  nobody.  And  I 
told  her  to  be  sure  and  tell  Miss  Aster,  that  she 
mustn't  feel  particuler  at  all  because  we  hadn't  visited 
together — but  she  must  pay  me  a  visit  jest  the  same. 
Then  I  sent  my  best  respects  to  Mr.  Aster  and  the 
boys,  and  then  I  set  out.  Jest  by  the  front  door  1 
met  Betsey,  and  we  both  set  sail  for  Horace's. 


I 


A  VISIT  TO  HORACE. 


>T  was  with  a  beatin'  heart  that  £  stood  at  the  door 
of  the  shop  where  Horace'es  papers  are  made.  And 
though  he  haint  printed  'em  alone  since  he  was  run 
up,  as  he  did  more  formally,  they  told  me  I  would  be 
apt  to  find  him  at  his  old  office. 

I  was  jest  a  goin'  to  knock  when  a  boy  came  out, 
and  says  I, 

"  Bub,  I  want  to  see  Horace." 

"  Horace  who  ?"  says  he. 

"  Horace  Greeley,"  says  I. 

"  Wall "  says  he,  <•  I  will  take  up  your  card." 

I  see  then  that  he  was  a  tryin'  to  empose  upon  me. 
1  haint  naturally  warlike,  but  I  can  stand  up  on  my 
dignity,  straight  as  a  cob  when  I  set  out,  Says  I, 

"  I'll  have  you  know  that  I  am  a  member  of  the 
Methodist  meetin'  house."  Says  I,  warmly,  "  I  dont 
know  one  card  from  another,  and  I'm  glad  I  dont, 
Says  I,  "  I  presume  there  are  wimmin  here  in  the 


366  HORACE  AT  HOME. 

village,  as  old  as  I  be,  that  set  up  to  play  cards  till  9 
or  10  o'clock  at  night.  But  thank  fortin'  I  haint  one 
of  'em."  Says  I,  "  Young  man,  I  detest  card  playin', 
it  ends  in  gamblin'.  Now "  says  I  firmly,  "  you 
jest  tell  me  where  Horace  is,  or  I'll  know  the  reason 
why !" 

He  see  I  was'nt  to  be  trifled  with,  any  more,  He 
muttered  somethin'  about  his  not  bearin'  the  blame. 
But  he  went  up  stairs,  and  we  followed  tight  to  his 
heels,  and  the  minute  he  opened  the  door  we  went  in. 
Horace  had'nt  dressed  up  much,  for  I  spose  he  did'nt 
expect  us.  But  if  he  had  been  dressed  up  in  pink 
silk  throughout,  it  wouldn't  have  made  no  difference 
to  my  feelin's  as  I  ketched  sight  of  that  noble  and 
benign  face,  that  peaceful  innocent  mouth,  that  high 
forward,  with  the  hair  a  curlin'  round  the  sides  of  it> 
like  thin  white  clouds  curlin'  round  the  side  of  a 
mountain  in  Ingun  summer. 

I  use  that  figger  of  speech,  because  his  face  looked 
on  the  mountain  plan,  firm,  and  grand  and  decided. 
And  I  put  in  the  Ingun  summer,  because  you  know 
jest  how  a  mountain  will  look  standin'  a  considerable 
ways  above  you  on  the  first  of  October — kind  o'  mel 
low  and  peaceful  and  benign.  But  you  realize  all  the 
time,  that  under  all  the  green  and  shady  growth 
of  its  mosses  and  evergreens,  it  has  been  growin' 
gradual  but  stiddy  through  the  centuries.  Under  all 
that  viel  of  shinin'  blue  gawze,  wove  out  of  mist  one 


FIRST  IMPRESSION  OF  HORACE.  367 

way,  with  a  warp  of  sunshine,  under  all  the  mellow 
colerin'  the  time  of  the  year  has  give  it,  there  is  a 
good  strong  back  bone  of  solid  rock  in  the  old  moun 
tain,  that  couldn't  be  broke  by  all  the  hammers  in 
creation. 

That  was  jest  my  idee  of  his  face,  a  mountain  in 
Indgun  summer,  facin'  the  sunrise.  Standin'  up  so 
high  that  it  ketches  a  light  on  its  forward  before  the 
world  below  gets  lit  up.  Firm,  solid  principles  with 
the  edge  took  off  of  'em,  and  kinder  topped  off  with 
the  experiences,  and  gradual  convictions  and  discover 
ies  of  a  noble  life.  And  all  softened  down  by  the 
calmness  and  quiet  of  the  time  of  day,  and  the  fall  of 
the  year.  That  was  the  way  Horace  Greeley's  face 
looked  to  me  as  I  got  a  full  view  of  it  as  he  set  to  his 
desk  a  writin'. 

In  the  dead  of  night  on  my  own  peaceful  goose 
feather  bed  at  home,  I  had  made  a  speech  all  up  in 
my  mind  for  that  glorious  occasion,  when  2  firm  and 
true  principled  minds  should  meet — which  was  Hor 
ace's  mind  and  mine.  For  though  we  conflict  in  some 
things,  the  good  of  the  Human  Race  is  as  dear  as  our 
apples  is,  in  our  eyes.  But  at  the  first  sight  of  that 
noble  face,  my  emotions  got  up  and  overpowered  me 
so,  that  I  forgot  every  word  of  my  speech,  and  all  I 
could  say  was,  in  thick  tones  of  f eelin'  and  principle, 

"  Horace,  I  have  come." 

His  face  grew  almost  black  with  fear  and  anger. 


3G8  NO  PEACE  FOR  CANDIDATES. 

He   sprang  up,  and   waved  me  back  with  his  right 
hand  and  shouted  to  rne, 

"It  is  in  vain  madam!  you  are  the  94th  woman 
who  has  been  here  to-day  after  office.  Female  lob- 
steress  depart !  Get  thee  behind  me  Sa —  female  ! " 

Says  I  with  deep  emotion,  "  Horace  you  dont  know 
me !  I  am  not  a  female  lobsteress !  I  am  Josiah 
Allen's  wife." 

He  came  forward  and  shook  hands  with  me,  and 
says  he,  "  I  know  you  will  excuse  my  vehemence, 
when  I  tell  you,  I  am  almost  devoured  by  office  seek 
ers  !"  He  cleared  a  path  through  the  papers  on  the. 
floor  to  some  chairs,  but  as  we  set  down,  he  continued 
in  tremblin'  tones,  for  it  seemed  as  if  he  couldn't  for 
get  his  troubles, 

"  Foxes  and  woodchucks  have  holes,  but  a  candi 
date  for  the  Presidency  can't  find  none  small  enough 
to  hide  in,  I  did,  says  he  si  thin  deeply,"  I  did 
have  a  few  peaceful,  happy  hours  in  the  suller  of  my 
dwellin'  house  ;"  he  paused,  overcome  by  sad  recolec- 
tions,  and  says  I,  deeply  sympathizm'  and  interested, 

"  What  broke  it  up  Horace  ?" 

"  They  found  the  out  door  suller  way ;  so,  says  he 
sithin  agin,  I  lost  that  peaceful  haven." 

"  Wall "  says  I,  tryin'  to  soothe  his  agitation, 

"  You're  one  in  a  high,  noble  place,  Horace." 

"  Yes !"  says  he,  "  but  it  places  anybody  under  a 
very  strong  light — a  very  strong  light.  I  have  never 


MEN  ALL  ALIKE.  371 

done  anything  out  of  the  way  sense  I  was  first  born, 
but  what  I  have  seen  it  in  the  papers.     I  tore  my 
pantaloons  once/'  says  he,  gloomily,  "  in  gettin'  over 
the  fence  at  the  early  age  of  2  and  a  half,  and  I  bit 
my  mother  once  at  the  age  of  7  months  a  nursin',  I 
could  wish  these  two  errors  of  my  past  to  be  forgotten 
by  the  world   and   overlooked,   but   in  vain.     I  am 
taunted  with  'em  on  every  side.    I  never  threw  a  boot 
jack  at  a  torn  cat  in  the  dead  of  the  night,  but  what 
my  picture  has  been  took  in  the  act,  I  never  swore  a 
oath  to  myself  in  the  depths  of  my  own  stomach,  but 
what  I  have  seen  that  unspoken  oath  in  the  papers.    I 
never  jawed  Mrs.  Greeley  about  my  shirt  buttons," 
he  continued,  sadly,  "  in  the  depths  of  our  secluded 
chamber,  but  what  it  has  been  illustrated  with  notes." 
As  he  spoke  of  jawin'  about  shirt  buttons,  I  says  to 
myself,  "  How   much !  how  much    human    nature  is 
alike  in  all  men,"  and  I  says  aloud, 

"  How  much  you  remind  me  of  Josiah." 
"  Of  Josiah  !v  says  he,  and  that  name  seemed  to 
make  him  remember  himself,  and  to  come  nobly  out 
of  his  gloomy  reflections.  «  Josiah,  he  is  your  hus 
band  !  Oh  yes,  Josiah  Allen's  wife  !  I  am  glad  to 
meet  you,  for  although  I  couldn't  comply  with  the 
request  your  letter  contained,  yet  it  convinced  me 
that  you  are  a  sincere  friend  to  the  human  race." 

'*  1  es,"  says  T,  "  Horace,  I  am,  and  I  want  you  to 
consider  my  request  over  agin." 
'l5* 


372  OPINION  OF  DARWIN'S  IDEES. 

But  lie  interrupted  me  hurriedly,  seemin,  to  want 
to  turn  my  mind  from  that  subject. 

"  What  do  you  think  of  Fourier's  system,  Josiah 
Allen's  wife  ?"  says  he,  lookin'  at  me  languidly  over 
his  specks. 

Says  I,  "  I  never  see  Mr.  Fourier.  How  can  I  tell 
you  any  thing  about  the  old  man's  health,  whether  his 
system  is  all  right,  or  whether  he  is  enjoyin'  poor 
health.  Horace,  I  come  to  talk  with  you  on  more 
important  things." 

But  he  continued  placidly,  hopin'  to  draw  my  mind 
off, 

"  "What  do  you  think  of  Darwin's  idees  ? " 

"  Darwin  who  ?"  says  I.  "  Darwin  Gowdey  ?  I  don  t 
know  any  other  Darwin,  and  I  never  mistrusted  that 
he  had  any  idees,  he  is  most  a  natural  fool." 

Says  he,  "  about  our  descendin  from  a  monkey  ?" 

Says  I,  with  dignity,  "  I  don't  know  how  it  is  with 
you,  but  I  know  that  I  couldn't  descend  from  a  mon 
key,  never  bein'  on  one's  back  in  my  whole  life." 
Says  I,  "  I  never  looked  well  in  the  saddle  any  way 
bein'  so  hefty.  But,"  says  I,  in  a  liberal  way,  "if  you, 
or  anybody  else  wants  to  ride  monkeys,  you  have  the 
privilege,  but  I  never  had  no  leanin'  that  way."  And 
agin,  says  I,  in  agitated  tones,  "you  needn't  try  to 
take  my  mind  oft'en  the  deep  and  momentous  subject 
on  which  it  is  sot,  by  talkin'  about  ridin'  monkeys. 
"  Horace  I  have  come  clear  down  here  to  the  village  on 


HORACE'S  LETTER.  373 

purpose  to  ask  you  to  examine  your  platform,  and  see 
if  there  hain't  no  loose  boards  in  it  where  some  of  the 
citizens  of  the  United  States,  such  as  wimmen  can  fall 
through.  Platforms,  that  are  built  over  the  deep 
waters,  ought  to  be  sound,  and  every  board  ought  to 
be  nailed  down  tight,  so  that  nobody — not  even  the 
smallest  and  weakest — can  fall  through  and  get  drown- 
ded."  Says  I,  "  Your  door  step  is  most  all  good  solid 
timber,  but  I  feel  there  is  one  old,  mouldy,  worm 
eaten  board  that  is  loose  in  it."  And  with  emotion 
rendering  my  voice  weak  as  a  cat,  says  I,  "  Horace,  I 
want  you  to  examine  your  door  step  and  lay  down  a 
new  board,  and  I  will  help  you  do  it.  I  come  a  pur 
pose  to." 

He  see  it  was  vain  to  turn  the  current  of  my 
thoughts  round,  and  says  he  in  a  decided  way, 

"  You  must  have  become  aware  of  my  views  from 
the  contents  of  my  letter.  You  got  my  letter  ?"  says 
he  in  a  enquirin'  tone. 

"  Yes,"  says  I,  "  we  have  framed  it  and  got  a  glass 
over  it,  jest  because  it  was  your  writin',  but  there 
seemed  to  be  a  mistake  in  it ;  it  seemed  to  be  wrote 
to  Josiah." 

"  Says  he,  "  What  did  you  make  it  out  to  be  ?" 

Says  I,  "  it  seemed  to  run  as  f oilers — '  I  don't  want 
to  purchase  any  more  shoats.' " 

"  Josiah  did  have  a  uncommon  kind  of  pigs,  and  we 
thought  mebby  you  had  heard  that  Josiah  wanted  to 


374       THE  SUBJECT  REACHED  AT  LAST. 

sell  you  one,  though  it  was  a  mistake,  for  he  swapped 
a  couple  with  Deacon  Gowdey  for  a  yearlin'  heifer, 
and  he  didn't  have  no  more  left  than  he  wanted  to 
keep  over." 

He  said  we  didn't  read  it  right.  It  read,  i  I  don't 
approve  of  any  wimmen's  votes.'  And  says  he,  leanin1 
back  in  his  chair,  "  That  is  the  ground  I  take,  I  don't 
believe  in  Wimmen's  Eights.  I  don't  see  what  rights 
they  want — more'n  they  have  now." 

Then  I  dove  right  into  the  subject  that  was  the 
nearest  to  rny  heart  (with  the  exception  of  Josiah)  and 
says  I,  "  Horace,  we  want  the  right  of  equal  pay  for 
equal  laber.  The  right  of  not  bein'  taxed  without 
representation.  The  right  of  not  bein'  compelled,  if 
she  is  a  rich  woman,  of  lettin'  her  property  go  to  sup 
port  public  men,  who  are  makin'  laws  that  are  ruinin' 
them  she  loves  best,  such  as  givin'  licences  to  ruin 
body  and  soul.  The  right  to  stand  by  the  side  of  all 
good  and  true  soles  in  the  nation,  and  tryin'  to 
stop  this  evil  spirit  of  intemperance  and  licentiousness 
that  is  runnin'  rampant  through  the  land.  The  right 
to—" 

I  don't  know  how  much  longer  I  should  have  gone 
on,  but  in  the  noble  forgetfulness  of  yourself  that 
always  accompanies  genius,  I  had  riz  up,  and  by  an 
unguarded  wave  of  my  right  hand  a  wavin'  in  elo 
quence  I  tipped  over  my  umberell.  Horace  picked  it 
up  (he  is  a  perfect  gentleman  at  heart)  and  says  he, 


HORACE  ADMITS  WIMMEN'S  ENERGY  375 

"  Set  down  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  don't  fatigue  yourself 
too  much." 

Rememberin'  myself,  I  sot  down,  and  Horace, 
pensively  wipin'  liis  brow  with  his  lead  pencil,  went 
on  to  say, 

"  I  admit  there  is  some  truth  in  what  you  say,  Josiah 
Allen's  wife.  I  admit,  as  a  truthful  man  should,  that 
whatever  wimmen  has  laid  thier  hands  to,  such  as 
churches,  hospital  work,  foreign  missionary  work, 
ragged  schools,  Sunday  schools,  charity  balls  and 
fairs,  and  Good  Templars,  they  have  done  more 
than  men  in  thier  efforts  and  good  influence.  They 
are  more  patient  than  men  ;  they  are  not  so  strong, 
but  they  are  more  persistent.  When  they  once  get  a 
plan  in  thier  heads,  they  are  awful  to  hold  on — if  they 
can't  accomplish  it  in  one  way,  they  will  take 
another." 

"  Says  I,"  that  is  jest  what  Josiah  says.  He  says,  <  I 
always  have  my  own  way.'  " 

"  I  admit,  that  whenever  wimmen  have  been  admit 
ted  m  any  public  affairs,  they  have  had  a  puryfyin', 
and  softnin'  and  enoblin'  influence.  But  I  deny  that 
votin'  and  havin'  a  voice  in  public  affairs  is  goin'  to 
better  the  condition  of  either  wimmen  or  the  nation." 

Says  I,  "  Horace,  the  old  White  House  needs  pury 
fyin'  more  than  any  horsepittle  or  meetin'  house  in 
creation."  And  says  I,  "  Let  wimmen  lay  to,  and  help 
clean  house."  Says  I,  "  let  her  try  her  hand  for  one 
year,  and  see  what  she  can  do." 


376  HORACE  FEARS  THE  ROSTRUM. 

Says  Horace,  goin'  on  placidly  with  his  own 
thoughts,"  It  is  not  the  change  that  would  be  wrought 
in  public  affairs  I  dread,  so  much  as  the  change  in  the 
wimmen  themselves,  if  they  should  mingle  in  the  wild 
vortex  of  political  life.  I  have  two  daughters,  and 
rather  than  have  tllem  lose  all  thier  delicacy,  and  enter 
political  life  and  mount  the  rostrum,  I  would  lay  them 
in  thier  grave.  I  don't  believe,"  says  he,  with  great 
decision,  "  I  don't  believe  in  wimmen  leadin'  off  into 
politics,  and  mount-in'  the  rostrum." 

I  interupted  him  with  a  earnest  tone; "you  needn't 
twit  me  of  that,  no  more  Horace.  I  don't  want  to 
mount  no  rostrum.  I  had  ruther  give  Josiah  20  cur 
tain  lectures  than  to  give  half  of  one  to  the  public, 
there  wrould  be  more  solid  satisfaction  in  it.  But  as 
far  as  indelicacy  is  concerned,  it  is  no  more  immodest 
for  a  woman  to  lead  off  in  politics  than  to  lead  off  one 
of  your  indecent  German  waltzes  with  a  man."  Says 
I,  "  you  men  think  it  hain't  indelicate  for  wimmen  to 
go  with  you  to  balls,  and  to  theatres,  and  into  the 
wild  vortex  of  the  ocean  a  bathin'  with  you — and  to 
post  offices,  and  to  fires,  and  fairs,  and  horse  races, 
and  to  church,  and  to  heaven  with  you.  But  it  is 
awful  to  go  and  drop  a  little  slip  of  white  paper  into 
a  box,  once  a  year  with  you." 

Says  Horace  wavin'  off  that  idee,  "  Woman  holds 
in  her  arms  a  more  powerful  ballot  than  she  can  in 
her  hands.  Let  her  mould  her  baby  boy,  so  that  in 
the  future  his  mother  will  vote  through  him." 


WIMMEN'S  INFLUENCE  AT  WASHINGTON.         377 

Horace  looked  noble  as  he  said  this.  His  silver 
mounted  spectacles  shone  with  pure  feelin'  and  prin 
ciple.  "  But "  says  I,  in  a  reasonable  tone, 

"  How  can  wimmen  mould  children,  if  she  haint 
got  any  to  mould  '?  I  haint  got  any  of  my  own,  and 
lots  of  wimmen  haint."  Says  I,  "such  talk  is  un 
reasonable,  how  can  she  go  to  mouldin',  when  she 
haint  got  the  materials  ?" 

"  Let  them  influence  thier  husbands  then,"  says  he, 
"  the  influence  of  wimmen  over  men,  is  wonderful, 
and  they  can  in  this  way  wield  a  almost  sovereign 
power.  And  they  do  in  many  instances  exert  this 
indirect  power  in  an  eminent  degree." 

Says  I,  finally,  "  I  don't  believe  in  no  underhand 
proceedin,'  I  never  did.  The  idee  of  wimmen  bein' 
underhand,  and  go  to  mouldin'  men  on  the  sly,  I  don't 
believe  in  it."  Says  I,  "  accordin'  to  your  own  story 
Horace,  wimmen  have  a  influence  in  politics  now." 

"  Wall — yes — a  sort  of  a  indirect  influence  in  thier 
families,  as  it  were." 

Says  I,  "  Horace  can  you  look  me  straight  in  the 
spectacles  and  deny  that  there  is  wdmmen's  influence 
in  politics  at  Washington  to  day  ? "  Says  I,  "  look  at 
them  female  lobsteresses  there."  Says  I,  "  one  hand 
some,  brilliant,  unprincipled  bad  woman  will  influence 
3  4  common  men  where  a  modest  humbly  well  wisher 
of  her  sect  will  one."  And  says  I,  warmly,  for  the 
thought  of  these  female  lobsteresses  always  madded 


378  THE  WRONG  FOOT  FORRERD. 

me — "  I  should  be  ashamed  if  I  was  in  some  of  them 
Senator's  places,  makin'  laws  about  the  Mormans." 

I  see  my  deep  principle  was  a  noatin'  me  off  into  a 
subject  where  as  a  female  I  didn't  want  to  go,  and  so 
I  choked  back  the  words  I  was  about  to  utter  which 
was,  "  I  had  jest  as  lives  jine  a  Morman,  as  to  jine 
one  of  them."  I  choked  it  back,  and  struggled  for 
calmness,  for  I  was  excited.  But  I  did  say  this, 

"I  think  good  wimmen  ought  to  have  a  chance 
with  bad  ones  in  political  affairs.  For  there  is  more 
good  wimmen  in  the  land  than  there  is  bad  ones,  but 
now  the  bad  ones  have  it  all  thier  own  way." 

Horace  wiped  his  brow  gently  with  his  lead  pencil, 
and  said  in  a  thoughful  accent, 

"  There  may  be  some  truth  in  what  you  say  Josiah 
Allen's  wife.  I  confess  I  never  looked  at  it  in  exactly 
this  light  before." 

Says  I,  in  a  triumphant  glad  tone,  "  That  is  jest 
what  I  told  Josiah.  Says  I,  "  Josiah,  Horace  is  all 
right,  there  never  was  a  better  meanin'  man  on  the 
face  of  the  earth  than  Horace  is.  All  he  wants  is  to 
have  some  noble  principled  woman  to  set  him  right  in 
this  one*  thing." 

I  see  in  a  minute  that  1  had  made  a  mistake.  Men 
hate  to  be  dictated  to  by  a  woman,  they  hate  to,  like 
a  dog.  I  see  by  his  lowery  brow  that  I  had  put  the 
wrong  foot  forrerd.  For  the  time  bein'  the  sage  and 
the  philosifer  sunk  down  in  his  nature,  and  tlieman 
spoke  in  the  usual  manlike  way. 


A  WOMAN,  OR  PATRICK  OH  FLANEGAN.  379 

"  I  say  wimmen's  brains  are  too  weak  to  grasp  pub 
lic  matters.  They  have  remarkable  intuitions  I  grant. 
A  woman's  insight  or  instinct  or  whatever  you  may 
term  it,  will,  I  grant,  fly  over  a  mountain  and  discover 
what  is  on  the  other  side  of  it,  while  a  man  is  gettin' 
his  gunpowder  ready  to  make  a  tunnel  through  it. 
But  they  are  not  logical,  they  have  not  the  firm  grasp 
of  mind,  the  clear  comprehension  requisite  to  a  voter? 

Says  I,  "  Horace,  which  has  the  firmest  grasp — the 
clearest  comprehension,  a  earnest  intellegent  Christian 
woman,  or  a  drunken  Irishman?"  Says  I,  "  Under 
stand  me  Horace,  I  don't  ask  which  would  sell  tliier 
votes  at  the  best  lay,  or  vote  the  most  times  in  one 
day — I  dare  say  the  man  wonld  get  ahead  of  the  wo 
man  in  these  respects,  bein'  naturally  more  of  a  spec 
ulator-— and  also  bein'  in  practice.  You  know  practice 

__ — * ^_ jL ^^^  — . 

makes  perfect.  I  don't  ask  you  this.  But  I  ask  you 
and  I  want  you  to  answer  me  Horace,  which  would 
be  in  the  best  condition  for  votin',  Elizabeth  Cady 
Stanton  gettin'  up  off  of  her  religious  knees  in  the 
moriiin'  after  family  prayers,  and  walkin' — with  the 
Constitution  in  one  hand  and  the  Bible  in  the  other — 
coolly  and  sensibly  to  the  pole,  or  Patrick  oh  Flan- 
egan  comin'  out  of  a  drunken  wake,  and  staggerin'  up 
against  the  pole  with  a  whisky  bottle  in  one  hand  and 
a  club  in  the  other,  when  he  didn't  know  nothin'  in 
the  first  place,  and  then  had  lost  half  or  3  quarters  of 
that,  in  the  liquer  some  clear  minded,  logical  man  give 
him,  for  votin'  a  few  dozen  times  for  him?" 


?"    1 


380      A  GOOD  JUDGE  OF  EXAGGERATIONS. 

At  this  question  Horace  quailed  a  very  little.  But 
it  was  not  the  quail  of  a  weak  man,  there  was  princi 
ple  in  that  quail,  and  a  determination  to  argue  to  the 
end,  which  is  one  of  the  charicterestics  of  that  great 
and  good  man.  She  that  was  Samantha  Smith  also 
possesses  some  of  this  spirit. 

"  Set  down,  Josiah  Allen's  wife  and  don't  fatigue 
yourself  too  much,"  says  Horace,  for  almost  carried 
away  by  my  emotions,  I  had  riz'  up  and  stood  on  my 
feet  agin. 

And  he  went  on,  "  You  put  the  case  in  a  very 
strong  light  Josiah  Allen's  wife.  That  is  one  of  the 
peculiar  weaknesses  of  your  sect.  You  dont  possess 
sufficient  moderation.  You  exaggerate  too  much." 
.  Says  I,  '•  puhlishin'  a  daily  paper  for  20  years,  has  a 
tendency  to  make  any  man  a  good  judge  of  exaggera^ 
tion,  and  if  you  see  by  my  symptoms  that  1  have 
got  it,  I  haint  a  goin'  to  deny  it.  But  you  haint  an 
swered  my  question  yet  Horace." 

Says  he  "  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  my  mind  is  firmly 
made  up  on  this  subject.  And  nothin'  upon  earth 
will  ever  change  it.  I  am  fully  convinced  that 
woman's  enterin'  into  public  duties  would  result  in 
makin'  her  coarse  and  unfeminine,  and  make  her  lose 
her  love  for  home  and  husband.  And  then,  suppose 
she  were  eligible  for  public  offices  ;  imagine  a  lady 
blacksmith  !  a  lady  constable  !  a  lady  president !  it  is 
absurd,  Josiah  Allen's  wife." 

Says  I,  "  Horace,  you  are  too  smart  a  man  to  bring 


THE  WIDDER  ALBERT.  381 

up  such  poor  arguments.  You  dont  see  a  little  sickly, 
literary,  consumptive,  broken  backed  blacksmith  or 
constable.  Men  choose  the  occupations  most  con 
genial,  and  suitable  for  them,  and  wimmen  would  do 
the  same,  anyway.  Rosa  Bonheur  chooses  to  live  out 
doors  half  the  time  among  cattle  and  horses,  and  I 
presume  she  haint  half  so  afraid  of  'em  as  Mr.  A. 
Tennyson  would  be.  I  have  heerd  Thomas  Jefferson 
read  abont  'em  both.  I  dont  suppose  any  woman 
would  be  compelled  to  be  made  a  constable  of,  though 
it  they  was,  I  presume  men  would  submit  to  be  incar 
cerated  by  'em  as  quick  as  they  would  by  a  male  man." 
"As  for  the  idee  of  a  lady  president,  I  dont  know 
as  it  would  be  any  more  absurd  than  a  lady  queen. 
Victory  sets  up  pretty  easy  in  her  high  chair,  there 
dont  seem  to  be  anything  very  absurd  about  the  Wid- 
der  Albert.  You  say  public  duties  makes  a  woman 
coarse,  and  forgetful  of  home  and  husband.  Horace, 
look  for  one  minute  at  the  Widder  Albert.  Where 
will  you  find  among  your  weak  fashionable  wimmen, 
so  lovin'  a  wife,  so  devoted  a  mother?  Where  will 
you  find  a  bigger  housefull  of  children,  brought  up 
better  than  hern  ?  She  has  had  more  public  duties  to 
perform  than  goin'  once  a  year  by  the  side  of  her  hus 
band,  and  votin'  for  Justice  and  Temperance,  But 
did  these  public  duties,  that  she  performed  so  well, 
wean  her  from  her  husband  ?  "  Says  1,  "  did  they  take 
up  her  mind  so  that  she  didn't  almost  break  her  heart 


382        FEAR  OF  KNOWING  TOO  MUCH. 

when  he  died  ?"  says  I,  "  Do  you  think  a  honest  de 
sire  to  live  a  full  life — to  use  every  power  that  God 
has  given  you — to  do  your  very  best  for  God  and  hu 
manity,  do  yon  think  that  this  desire  modestly  and 
consistently  carried  into  action,  will  make  a  woman 
coarse  and  unwomanly,  any  more  than  this  present 
fashionable  education,  to  flirt  and  simper  and  catch  a 
rich  husband  ?" 

Says  I,  "  You  seem  to  think  that  votin'  is  goin'  to 
be  such  a  weight  onto  a  woman  that  it  will  drag  her 
right  down  from  her  home  into  public  and  political 
affairs  and  leave  her  there.  Such  talk  is  simple,  for 
love  and  domestic  happiness  will  be  the  other  weight 
to  the  steelyards,  as  long  as  the  world  stands,  and 
keep  a  woman's  heart  and  mind  jest  as  straight  as  a 
string.  Yotia'  haint  a  goin'  to  spile  any  woman  at 
all,  be  she  married,  or  be  she  single,  and  there  is  a 
class  at  the  mercy  of  the  world,  fightin'  its  hard  battle 
alone — it  will  help  them.  The  idee  of  its  hurtin'  a 
woman  to  know  a  little  somethin',  is  in  my  mind 
awful  simple.  That  was  what  the  slaveholders  said 
about  the  black  Africans — it  would  hurt  'em  to  know 
too  much.  That  is  what  Mr.  Pope  says  to  day  about 
his  church  members.  But  I  say  that  any  belief,  or 
custom  that  relies  on  oppression  and  ignorance  and 
weakness  to  help  it  on  in  any  degree,  ought  to  be  ex 
ploded  up.  Beautiful  weakness  and  simplicity,  haint 
my  style  at  all  in  the  line  of  wiminen.  I  have  seen 


BEAUTIFUL  SIMPLICITIES.  383 

beautiful  simplicities  before  now,  and  they  are  always 
affected,  selfish  critters,  sly,  underhanded,  their  minds 
all  took  up  with  little  petty  gossip  and  plottin's. 
Why  they  can't  set  a  teacup  on  the  table  in  a  open- 
hearted  noble  way.  They  have  to  plot  on  some 
byway  to  get  it  there,  unbeknown  to  somebody. 
Their  mouths  have  been  drawed  so  into  simpers,  that 
they  couldn't  laugh  a  open  generous  laugh  to  save 
their  lives.  Always  havin'  some  spear  ready  under 
their  soft  mantilly,  to  sweetly  spear  some  other  wo 
man  in  the  back.  Horace,  they  haint  my  style. 
Beautiful  weakness  and  simplicity  may  do  for  one 
evenin'  in  a  ball  room.  But  it  dont  wear  well  for  all 
the  cares  and  emergencies  that  come  in  a  life  of  from 
4:0  to  50  years.  Was  George  Washington's  mother 
any  the  less  a  industrious  equinornical  and  affectionate 
wife  and  mother,  because  she  took  a  interest  in  public 
affairs  ?"  And  says  I,  with  a  lower  and  more  modest 
tone,  "  Is  Josiah  Allen's  wife  on  that  account  any  the 
less  devoted  to  Josiah  ?" 

He  knew  I  was  perfectly  devoted  to  that  man. 
He  set  mewsin'  silently  for  a  time  seemin'ly  on  some- 
thin'  I  had  said  heretofore,  and  finally  he  spoke  up. 
"  The  case  of  Victory  is  very  different.  A  crown 
that  descends  on  a  hereditary  head  is  a  different  thing." 

"  So  'tis,"  says  I,  "  But  the  difference  is  on  the 
wrong  side,  for  sposin'  it  descends  onto  the  head  of  a 
hereditary  fool — or  a  hereditary  mean  woman.  If  a 


384  NATURE  MADE  QUEEN  BEES. 

woman  was  voted  for  it  would  be  for  goodness,  or 
some  other  good  quality." 

Says  Horace,  wavin'  off  that  idee  and  pursuin'  after 
his  own  thoughts.  "  Man  is  sometimes  mistaken  in 
his  honest  beliefs,  but  Nature  makes  her  laws  unerr 
ingly.  Nature  intended  the  male  of  every  species  to 
take  the  preeminence.  Nature  designed  man  to  be  at 
the  head  of  all  public  affairs.  Nature  never  makes 
any  mistakes." 

"  Nature  made  queen  bees  Horace.  Old  Nature  her 
self  clapped  the  crown  on  to  'em.  You  never  heard 
of  king  bees,  did  you  ?  Industrious  equinomical  crit 
ters  the  bees  are  too.  The  public  duties  of  that  fe 
male  dont  spile  her,  for  where  will  you  find  house 
work  done  up  slicker  than  hern?  Where  will  you 
find  more  stiddy,  industrious,  equinomical  orderly 
doin's  through  a  whole  nation  than  she  has  in  hern  ? 
All  her  constituents  up  to  work  early  in  the  mornin', 
home  at  night  too,  jest  as  stiddy  as  the  night  comes. 
No  foreign  spy's  can  come  prowlin'  'round  her  prem 
ises — speculators  on  other  f  olks'es  honey  haint  encour 
aged, — tobacco  is  obnoxious  to  'em.  Only  one  thing  I 
dont  approve  of,  if  food  is  skurce,  if  the  females  don't 
get  honey  enough  to  last  the  whole  hive,  all  winter, 
they  slaughter  the  male  bees  in  the  fall  to  save  honey. 
I  dont  approve  of  it ;  but  where  will  you  find  a  great 
nater  that  haint  got  its  peculiar  excentricities  ?  This  is 
hern.  She  wants  to  dispose  of  the  drones  as  they  call 


BEAUTIFUL  SYSTEM  OF  A  BEE  HIVE.  385 

the  lazy  husbands  of  the  workin'  wimmcu,  and  she 
thinks  killiii'  is  the  easiest  way  to  dispose  of  'em.  I 
say  plainly  I  dont  approve  of  it,  it  dont  seem  exactly 
right  to  kill  a  husband  to  save  winterin'  him,  it  would 
seem  better  to  me  to  get  divorces  from  'em  and  set 
'em  up  in  business  in  a  small  way.  But  as  I  said, 
where  is  there  a  nater  that  haint  got  a  weakness  ? 
this  is  hern.  But  aside  from  this  where  will  you  find 
a  better  calculator  than  she  is  ?  No  dashin'  female 
lobsteresses  pullin'  the  wool  over  the  eyes  of  her 
Senators.  No  old  men  bees  gaddin'  'round  evenin's 
when  their  conndin'  wives  think  they  are  abed 
dreamin'  about  their  lawful  pardners — no  wildcatish- 
ness,  and  smokin'  and  drunkenness,  and  quarellin'  in 
her  Congress.  You  can't  impeach  her  administration 
no  how,  for  no  clock  work  ever  run  smoother  and 
honester.  In  my  opinion  there  has  a  great  many 
men  set  up  in  their  high  chairs  that  would  have  done 
well  to  pattern  after  this  Executive  female." 

As  I  finished,  flushed  with  several  different  emo 
tions,  Horace  rose  up  and  grasped  me  by  the  hand, 
and  says  almost  warmly, 

"  I  am  glad  to  have  met  you,  Josiah  Allen's  wife, 
you  have  presented  the  subject  in  a  new,  and  eloquent 
light.  I  admire  eloquence  wherever  I  meet  it." 

The  praise  of  this  great,  and  good  man  was  like 
manny  to  an  Isrealitess.  My  breast  almost  swelled 
with  proud  and  triumphant  emotions.  But  even  then, 


386  WHY  ARE  WIMMEN  GIVEN  TALENTS. 

in  that  blissful  moment,  I  thought  of  Josiah,  no  rock 
was  ever  firmer  than  my  allegience  to  that  man,  I 
withdrawed  my  hand  gently  from  his'en,  and  1  said 
to  him,  with  a  beamin'  face, 

"  You  grasped  holt  of  my  hand,  Horace,  with  the 
noblest  and  purest  of  f  eelin's,  but  I  don't  think  Josiah 
would  like  to  have  me  shake  hands  so  often  with  any 
man." 

Says  he,  "  I  honor  your  sentiments,  Josiah  Allen's 
wife,  I  think  you  are  a  iirm  principled  woman,  and  a 
earnest,  well  wisher  of  your  sect.  But  I  do  think  you 
are  in  a  error,  I  honestly  think  so.  The  Creator 
designed  woman  for  a  quiet,  home  life,  it  is  there  she 
finds  her  greatest  happiness  and  content.  God  gave 
her  jest  those  faculties  that  fit  her  for  that  life.  God 
never  designed  her  to  go  rantin'  round  in  public, 
preachin'  and  lecturin'." 

"  Says  I,  "  Horace,  I  agree  with  you  in  thinkin' 
that  home  is  the  best  place  for  most  wimmen.  But 
you  say  that  wimmen  have  great  influence,  and  great 
powers  of  perswaeion,  and  why  not  use  them  powers 
to  win  men's  soles,  and  to  influence  men  in  the  cause 
of  Temperance  and  Justice,  as  well  as  to  use  'em  all 
up  in  teasiii'  thier  husbands  to  buy  'em  a  summer 
buiinet  and  a  pair  of  earrings  ?  And  take  such  wim 
men  as  Anna  Dickinson — what  under  the  sun  did  the 
Lord  give  her  such  powers  of  eloquence  and  perswa- 
sion  for,  if  He  didn't  calculate  to  have  her  use  'em  ? 


FULFILLIN'  MISSIONS.  387 

Why  you  would  say  a  human  bein'  was  a  fool,  that 
would  go  to  work  and  make  a  melodious  piano,  a  cal- 
culatin'  to  have  it  stand  dumb  forever,  holdin'  back  all 
the  music  in  it  not  lettin'  any  of  it  come  out  to 
chirk  folks  up,  and  make  'em  better.  "When  a  man 
makes  a  cheese  press,  he  don't  expect  to  get  music  out 
of  it,  it  hain't  reasonable  to  expect  a  cheese  press  to 
play  Yankee  Doodle,  and  old  Hundred.  I,  myself, 
wasn't  calculated  for  a  preacher. 

I  believe  the  Lord  knows  jest  what  He  wants  of  his 
creeters  here  below  from  the  biggest  to  the  littlest. 
When  He  makes  a  grasshopper,  He  makes  it  loose 
jinted,  on  purpose  to  jump.  Would  that  grasshopper 
be  a  fullfillin'  his  mission  and  doin'  God's  will,  if  he 
should  draw  his  long  legs  up  under  him,  and  crawl 
into  a  snail's  house  and  make  a  lame  hermit  of  him 
self?" 

Says  Horace,  in  reasonable  accents,  "No,  Josiah. 
Allen's  wife,  no,  he  wouldn't." 

"Wall,"  says  I,  "likewise  with  birds,  if  the  Lord 
hadn't  wanted  the  sing  to  come  out  of  thier  throats, 
He  wouldn't  have  put  it  into  'em.  And  when  the 
Lord  has  put  eloquence,  and  inspiration,  and  enthusi 
asm  into  a  human  sole,  you  can't  help  it  from  breakin' 
out.  I  say  it  is  right  for  a  woman  to  talk,  if  she  has 
got  anything  to  say  for  God  and  humanity.  I  have 
heard  men  and  wimmeii  both,  talk  when  they  hadn't 

nothin'  to  say,  and  it  is  jest  as  tiresome  in  a  man,  as  it 
16 


388  PAUL'S  OPINIONS. 

is  in  a  woman  m  my  opinion.  Now  I  never  had  a 
call  to  preach,  or  if  I  had,  I  didn't  hear  it,  only  to 
Josiah,  I  preach  to  him  considerable,  I  have  to.  I 
should  feel  dreadful  curious  a  standin'  up  in  the  desk, 
and  takin'  my  text,  I  don't  deny  it,  but,"  says  I,  in 
deep  tones,  "  if  the  Lord  calls  a  woman  to  preach — 
let  her  preach,  Horace." 

"  Paul  says  it  is  a  shame  for  a  woman  to  speak  in 
public,"  says  Horace. 

Oh  what  a  rush  of  idees  flowed  under  my  foretop 
as  Horace  said  thisa  but  I  spoke  pretty  calm,  and 
says  I, 

"  I  hain't  nothin'  aginst  Mr.  Paul,  I  think  he  is  a 
real  likely  old  bachelder.  But  I  put  the  words,  and 
example  of  Jesus  before  them  of  any  man,  be  he  mar 
ried,  or  be  he  single." 

"  Men  will  quote  Mr  Paul's  remarks  concernin'  wim- 
men  not  preachin',  and  say  he  was  inspired  when  he 
said  that,  and  I  say  to  'em,  "how  is  it  about  folks  not 
marryin',  he  speaks  full  as  pinted  about  that  ?"  "  Oh  !" 
they  say,  "he  wazzn't  inspired  when  he  said  that," 
and  I  say  to  'em, "how  can  you  tell — when  a  man  is  18 
or  19  hundred  years  older  than  you  be — how  can  you 
tell  when  he  was  inspired  and  when  he  wazzn't,  not 
bein'  a  neighbor  of  his'en."  And  after  all,  Mr.  Paul 
didn't  seem  to  be  so  awful  set  on  this  subject,  for  he 
went  right  on  to  tell  how  a  woman's  head  ought  to  be 
fixed  when  she  was  a  pray  in'  and  a  prophecy  in'.  But 


CHRIST'S  EXAMPLE.  389 

in  my  opinion,  all  that  talk  about  wimmen  was  meant 
for  that  church  he  was  a  writin'  to,  for  some  reason 
confined  to  that  time,  and  don't  apply  to  this  day,  or 
this  village — and  so  with  marry  in'.  When  a  man  was 
liable  to  have  his  head  cut  off  any  minute,  or  to  be 
eat  up  by  lions,  it  wazzn't  convenient  to  marry  and 
leave  a  widder  and  a  few  orphan's.  That  is  my  opin 
ion,  other  folks  have  thiern.  But  let  folks  quarell  all 
they  have  a  mind  to,  as  to  whether  Mr.  Paul  was 
inspired  when  he  wrote  these  things,  or  whether  he 
wazzn't,  this  we  know,  that  Jesus  is  a  divine  pattern 
for  us  to  follow,  and  He  chose  a  woman  to  carry  the 
glad  tidin's  of  His  resurrection  to  the  bretheren. 
There  wag  one  woman  who  received  her  commission 
to  preach  right  from  the  Almighty. 

How  dare  any  man  to  try  to  tie  np  a  woman's 
tongue,  and  keep  her  from  speakin'  of  Him,  when  she 
was  His  most  tender  and  faithful  friend  when  He 
was  on  earth.  It  was  wimmen  who  brought  little 
children  that  He  might  bless  'em.  Did  He  rebuke 
'em  for  thus  darin'  to  speak  to  Him  publicly  \  No ; 
but  He  rebuked  the  men  who  tried  to  stop  'em. 

It  was  a  women  who  annointed  His  feet,  wet  'em 
with  her  tears,  and  wiped  'em  with  the  hairs  of  her 
head.  It  was  very  precious  ointment — but  none  too 
precious  for  Him  she  loved  so.  Some  logical  clear 
minded  men  present,  thought  it  was  too  costly  to 
•waste  on  Him.  And  again  Jesus  rebuked  'em  for 


390  WIMMEN  AT  CHRIST'S  TOMB. 

troublin'  the  woman.  It  was  in  comf  ortin5  a  woman's 
lovin'  achin'  heart  that  Jesus  wept.  It  was  wimmeii 
that  stood  by  the  cross  to  the  very  last  and  who 
stood  by  his  grave  weepin',  when  even  Joseph  had 
rolled  a  great  stun  aginst  it  and  departed.  And  it 
was  wimmen  who  came  to  the  grave  agin  in  the 
mormV  while  it  was  yet  dark.  And  it  was  a  woman 
that  He  first  revealed  Himself  to  after  He  rose. 
What  if  Mary  had  hung  back,  and  refused  to  tell  of 
Him,  and  the  glory  she  had  seen.  Would  He  have 
been  pleased  ?  No ;  when  God  calls  a  woman  to  tell 
of  the  wonders  of  His  love  and  glory  that  He  has  re 
vealed  to  her  out  of  the  darkness  of  this  life,  in  the 
Lord's  name  let  her  answer.  But  let  her  be  certain 
that  it  is  the  Lord  that  is  callin'  her,  there  is  lots  of 
preachers  of  both  sects  in  my  opinion  that  pretend 
the  Lord  is  a  callin'  'em,  when  it  is  nothin'  but  their 
own  vanity  and  selfishness  that  is  hollerin'  to  'em." 

For  pretty  near  £  or  f  of  a  minute,  Horace  set 
almost  lost  in  deep  thought,  and  when  he  broke  out 
agin  it  was  on  the  old  theme.  He  said  "wedlock 
was  woman's  true  spear.  In  the  noble  position  of  wife 
and  mother,  there  lay  her  greatest  happiness,  and  her 
only  true  spear."  He  talked  pretty  near  nine  min 
utes,  I  should  think  on  this  theme.  And  he  talked 
eloquent  and  grand,  I  will  admit,  and  never  did  I  see 
spectacles  shine  with  such  pure  fervor  and  sincerity 
as  hisen.  It  impressed  me  deeply.  Says  he  in  con 
clusion,  *  Marriage  is  God's  own  Institution.  To  be 


HORACE'S  OVERWHELMING  ELOQUENCE.          391 

the  wife  of  a  good  man,  and  the  mother  of  his  chil 
dren,  ought  to  be  a  woman's  highest  aim,  and  purest 
happiness.  Jest  as  it  is  man's  highest  happiness  to 
have  a  woman  entirely  dependant  on  him.  It  rouses 
his  noblest  and  most  generous  impulses,  it  moves  his 
heart  to  do  and  dare  and  his  arm  to  labor — to  have  a 
gentle  bein'  clingin'  to  his  manly  strength." 

His  eloquence  so  impressed  me,  that  I  had  no  words 
to  reply  to  him.  And  for  the  first  time  sense  I  had 
begun  to  f oiler  up  the  subject,  my  mind  wavered  back 
and  forth,  as  Bunker  Hill  monument  might,  in  a  elo- 
qiient  earthquake.  I  says  to  myself,  "mebbe  I  am 
mistaken,  mebbe  marriage  is  woman's  only  true 
spear."  I  didn't  know  what  to  say  to  him,  my  spec 
tacles  wandered  about  the  room,  and  happened  to 
light  onto  Betsey — (I  had  been  so  took  up  with  my 
mission  to  Horace  that  I  had  forgot  to  introduce  her) 
and  as  they  lit,  Horace,  who  saw  I  was  deeply  im 
pressed,  repeated  something  about  "  clingin'"  and  I 
says  to  him  in  a  foolish  and  almost  mechanical  tone, 
"  Yes  Horace,  I  have  seen  clingers,  here  is  one. 
Betsey  riz  right  up,  and  come  forrerd,  and  made  a 
low  curchy  to  him,  and  set  down  tight  to  him,  and 
says  she, 

"  Beloved  and  admired  Mr.  Horace  Greeley,  I  am 
Betsey  Bobbet  the  poetess  of  Jonesville,  and  you 
speak  my  sentiments  exactly.  I  think,  and  I  know 
that  wedlock  is  woman's  only  true  speah.  I  do  not 


392  BETSEY  COMES  TO  MY  AID. 

think  wimmeii  ought  to  have  any  rights  at  all.     I  do 
not  think  she  ought  to  want  any.     I  think  it  is  real 
sweet  'and  genteel  in  her  -not  to  have  any  rights.     I 
think  that  to  be  the  clinging,  devoted  wife  of  a  noble 
husband  would  be  almost  a  heaven  below.     I  do  not 
think  she  ought  to  have  any  other  trade  at  all  only 
wedlock.     I  think  she  ought  to  be  perfectly  depend 
ent  on  men,  and  jest  cling  to  them,  and  oh  how  sweet 
it  would  be  to  be  in  that  state.     How  happy fy ing  to 
males  and  to  females  that  would  be.     I  do  not  believe 
in  wimmen  having  their  way  in  anything,  or  to  set 
up  any  beliefs  of  their  own.     For  oh  !  how  beautiful 
and  perfectly  sweet  a  noble  manly  mind  is.     How  I 
do  love  your  intellect,  dearest  Mr.   Horace  Greeley. 
How  is  your  wife's  health  dear  man  ?  Haint  I  read  in 
the  papers  that  her  health  was  a  failing  ?  And  if  she 
should  drop  off,  should  you  think  of  entering  again 
into    wedlock  ?  and  if  you  did,  should  you  not  prefer 
a  woman  of  genius,  a  poetess,  to  a  woman  of  clay  ? " 
Her  breath  give  out  here,  and  she  paused.     But  oh 
what  a  change  had  come   over  Horace's  noble  and 
benign   face,  as  Betsey    spoke.     As  she   begun,   his 
head  was  thrown  back,    and  a  eloquent  philosofical 
expression  set  onto  it.     But  gradually  it  had  changed 
to  a  expression  of  dread  and  almost  anger,  and  as  she 
finished,  his  head  sunk  down  onto  his  breast,  and  he 
sithed.     I  pitied  him,  and  I  spoke  up  to  Betsey,  says 
I,  "  I  haint  no  more  nor  less  than  a  clay  woman,  but 


HORACE  REJECTS  BETSEY'S  OVERTURE.  393 

T  know  enough  to  know  that  no  man  can  answer  25 
or  26  questions  to  once.  Give  Horace  time  to  tind 
and  recover  himself." 

Betsey  took  a  bottle  of  hartshorn  and  a  pair  of 
scissors,  outen  her  pocket,  and  advanced  onto  him, 
and  says  she  in  tender  eooin'  tones.  "  Does  your  in 
tellectual  head  ache  ?  Let  me  bathe  that  lofty  forwerd. 
And  oh  !  dearest  man,  will  you  hear  my  one  request 
that  I  have  dreampt  of  day  and  night,  will  you — will 
you  give  me  a  lock  of  your  noble  hair  ?" 

Horace  rose  up  from  his  chair  precipitately  and 
come  close  to  me  and  sot  down,  bringin'  me  between 
him  and  Betsey,  and  then  he  says  to  her  in  a  fearless 
tone,  "  You  can't  have  a  hair  of  my  head,  I  haint 
got  much  as  you  can  see,  but  what  little  I  have  got 
belongs  to  my  wife,  and  to  America.  My  wife's 
health  is  better,  and  in  case  of  her  droppin'  off,  I 
should't  never  marry  agin,  and  it  wouldn't  be  a 
poetess !  though  "  says  he  wipin'  his  heated  forwerd, 

"  I  respect  'em  as  a  Race." 

Betsey  was  mad.  Says  she  to  me,  "  I  am  a  goin. 
I  will  wait  for  you  to  the  depott."  And  before  I 
could  say  a  word,  she  started  off.  As  the  door  closed 
I  says  in  clear  tones,  "  Horace,  I  have  watched  you  for 
years — a  laberin'  for  truth  and  justice  and  liftin'  np 
the  oppressed,  I  have  realized  what  you  have  done 
for  the  Black  African.  You  have  done  more  for  that 

Race  than  any  other  man  in  America,  and  I  have  re- 
16* 


394r  HORACE  WILLIN'  TO  BE  CONVINCED. 

spected  you  for  it,  as  much  as  if  I  was  a  Black  African 
myself.  But  never !  never  did  I  respect  you  as  I  do 
this  minute."  Says  I,  "if  every  married  man  and 
woman  had  your  firm  and  almost  cast  iron  principles, 
there  wouldn't  be  such  a  call  for  powder  and  bullets 
among  married  folks  as  there  is  now.  You  have  riz 
in  my  estimation  25  cents  within  the  last  7  or  8 
minutes." 

Horace  was  still  almost  lost  in  thought,  and  he 
didn't  reply  to  me.  He  was  a  settin'  about  half  or  3 
quarters  of  a  yard  from  me,  and  I  says  to  him  mildly, 
"  Horace,  it  may  be  as  well  for  you  to  go  back  now 
to  your  former  place  of  settin',  which  was  about  2  and 
a  half  yards  from  me."  He  complied  with  my  request, 
mechanically  as  it  was.  But  he  seemed  still  to  be 
almost  lost  in  thought.  Finally  he  spoke — as  he  wiped 
the  sweat  off  that  had  started  out  onto  his  eye  brow — 
these  words, 

"  I  am  not  afraid,  nor  ashamed  to  change  my  mind, 
Josiah  Allen's  wife,  when  I  am  honestly  convinced 
I  have  been  in  an  error.  Says  he,  "It  is  cowards 
only  that  cling  outwardly  to  thier  old  mouldy  beliefs, 
for  fear  they  shall  be  accused  of  being  inconsistant 
and  fickle  minded." 

Says  I,  "  That  is  just  my  opinion  Horace  !  I  have 
been  cheated  by  pickin'  out  a  calico  dress  in  the  eve- 
nin'.  Things  look  different  by  daylight,  from  what 
they  do  by  candle  light.  Old  beliefs  that  have  looked 
first  rate  to  you,  may  look  different  under  the  brighter 


MARRIAGEABLE  WIMMEN  OVER  ZEALOUS.         395 

light  of  new  discoveries.  As  you  rise  higher  above 
the  earth  you  see  stars  you  couldn't  ketch  sight  of  in  a 
suller  way.  And  the  worlds  cry  of  fickle  minded- 
ness,  may  be  the  angels  war  whoop,  settin'  us  on  to 
heavenly  warfare'." 

Horace  seemed  agin  to  be  almost  lost  in  thought, 
and  I  waited  respectfully,  for  him  to  find  and  recover 
himself.  Finally  he  spake, 

"  I  have  been  sincere  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  in  think- 
in'  that  matrimony  was  woman's  only  spear,  but  the 
occurances  of  the  past  25  or  30  minutes  has  convinced 
me  that  wimmen  may  be  too  zealous  a  carryin'  out 
that  spear.  I  admit  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  that  any 
new  state  of  public  aifairs  that  would  make  woman 
more  independent  of  matrimony,  less  zealous,  less 
reckless  in  handlein'  that  spear,  might  be  more  or 
less  beneficial  both  to  herself,  and  to  man." 

Here  he  paused  and  sithed.  He  thought  of  Betsey. 
But  I  spoke  right  up  in  glad  and  triumphant  tones, 

"  Horace,  I  am  ready  to  depart  this  minute  for 
Jonesville.  Now  I  can  lay  my  head  in  peace  upon 
my  goose  feather  pillow." 

I  riz  up  in  deep  emotion,  and  Horace  he  riz  up  too. 
It  was  a  thrillin'  moment.  At  last  he  spoke  in  agita 
ted  tones,  for  he  thought  still  of  what  he  had  jest 
passed  through. 

"  My  benefactor,  I  tremble  to  think  what  might 
have  happened  had  you  not  been  present."  And  he 
ran  his  forefinger  through  his  almost  snowy  hair. 


396  HORACE'S  GItfTS  AT  PARTIN. 

"  My  kind  preserver,  I  want  to  give  you  some  little 
token  of  my  friendship  at  parting.  "Will  you  accept 
as  a  slight  token  of  my  dethless  gratitude,  i  What  1 
know  about  Farming,'  and  two  papers  of  lettice  seed  ? " 

I  hung  back,  I  thought  of  Josiah.  But  Horace 
argued  with  me,  says  he,  "  I  respect  your  constancy  to 
Josiah,  but  intellect — spoken  or  written — scorns  all  the 
barriers  of  sex  and  circumstance,  and  is  as  free  to  all, 
as  the  sunshine  that  beats  down  on  the  just  and  the 
unjust,  the  Liberal  Eepublicans  and  the  Grant  party, 
or  the  married  and  the  single."  Says  he,  "  take  the 
book  without  any  scruples,  and  as  for  the  lettice  seed, 
I  can  recommend  it,  I  think  Josian  would  relish  it." 

Says  I,  "  On  them  grounds  I  will  accept  of  it,  and 
thank  you." 

As  we  parted  at  the  door,  in  the  innocence  of 
conscious  rectitude,  we  shook  hands,  and  says  I, 
"  Henceforth,  Horace  you  will  set  up  in  a  high  chair  in 
my  mind,  higher  than  ever  before.  Of  course,  Josiah 
sets  first  in  my  heart,  and  then  his  children,  and  then 
a  few  relations  on  my  side,  and  on  hisen.  But  next 
to  them  you  will  always  set,  for  you  have  been 
weighed  in  the  steelyards,  and  have  been  found  not 
wantinV 

He  was  to  agitated  to  speak,  I  was  awful  agitated 
too.  Our  silver  mounted  spectacles  met  each  other 
in  a  last  glance  of  noble,  firm  principled  sadness,  and 
so  Horace  and  I  parted  away  from  each  other. 


A  SEA  VOYAGE. 


AFTER I  left  Horace,  I  hastened  on,  for  I  was  afraid 
I  was  behind  tune.  Bein'  a  large  hefty  woman, 
(my  weight  is  200  and  10  pounds  by  the  steelyards 
now)  I  could  not  hasten  as  in  former  days  when  I 
weighed  100  pounds  less.  I  was  also  encumbered 
with  my  umberell,  my  satchel  bag,  my  cap  box  and 
"  What  I  know  about  Farming-"  But  I  hastened  on 
with  what  speed  I  might.  But  alas !  my  apprehen 
sions  was  too  true,  the  cars  had  gone.  "What  was  to 
be  done  ?  Betsey  sat  on  her  portmanty  at  the  depott, 
lookin'  so  gloomy  and  depressted,  that  I  knew  that  I 
could  not  depend  on  her  for  sukker,  I  must  rely  onto 
myself.  There  are  minutes  that  try  the  sole,  and 
show  what  timber  it  is  built  of.  Not  one  trace  of  the 
wild  storm  of  emotions  that  was  ragin'  inside  of  me, 
could  be  traced  on  my  firm  brow,  as  Betsey  looked 
up  in  a  gloomy  way  and  says, 

"  What  are  we  going  to  do  now  I" 
397 


398         BETSEY  PROPOSES  A  TRIP  ON  THE  CANAL. 

No,  I  rose  nobly  to  meet  the  occasion,  and  said  in 
a  voice  of  marbel  calm,  "I  dont  know  Betsey." 
Then  I  sot  down,  for  I  was  beat  out.  Betsey  looked 
wild,  says  she,  "  Josiah  Allen's  wife  I  am  sick  of 
earth,  the  cold  heartless  ground  looks  hollow  to  me. 

I  feel  jest  reckless  enough  to  dare  the  briny  deep." 
Says  she,  in  a  bold  darin'  way, 

"  Less  go  home  on  the  canal." 

The  canal  boat  run  right  by  our  house,  and  though 
at  first  I  hung  back  in  my  mind,  thinkin'  that  Josiah 
would  never  consent  to  have  me  face  the  danger  of 
the  deep  in  the  dead  of  the  night,  still  the  thought 
of  stayin'  in  New  York  village  another  night  made 
me  waver.  And  I  thought  to  myself,  if  Josiah  knew 
jest  how  it  was — the  circumstances  eiivironin'  us  all 
round,  and  if  he  considered  that  my  board  bill  would 
cost  3  dollars  more  if  I  staid  another  night,  I  felt 
that  he  would  consent,  though  it  seemed  perilous, 
and  almost  hazardous  in  us.  So  I  wavered,  and  wa 
vered,  Betsey  see  me  waver,  and  took  advantage  of 
it,  and  urged  me  almost  warmly. 

But  I  didn't  give  my  consent  in  a  minute.  I  am 
one  that  calmly  weighs  any  great  subject  or  under- 
takin'  in  the  ballaiices. 

Says  I'  "  Betsey  have  you  considered  the  danger  ?" 
Says  I,  "  The  shore  we  was  born  on,  may  sometimes 
seem  tame  to  us,  but  safety  is  there.  Says  I,  "  more 
freedom  may  be  upon  the  deep  waters,  but  it  is  a 


UN  THE  CANAL  BOAT.  399 

treacherous  element.  Says  1,  "  I  never  tempted  its 
perils  in  my  life,  only  on  a  bridge." 

"  Nor  I  neither,"  says  she.  But  she  added  in  still 
more  despairin'  tones,  "  What  do  I  care  for  danger  ? 
What  if  it  is  a  treacherous  element  ?  "What  have  I  got 
to  live  for  in  this  desert  life  ?"  "  And  then  "  says  she, 
"  the  captain  of  a  boat  here,  is  mother's  cousin,  he 
would  let  us  go  cheap." 

Says  1  in  awful  deep  tones  of  principle.  "  /  have 
got  Josiah  to  live  for — and  the  great  cause  of  Right, 
and  the  children.  And  I  feel  for  their  sakes  that  I 
ought  not  to  rush  into  danger."  But  agin  I  thought 
of  my  board  bill,  and  agin  1  felt  that  Josiah  would 
give  his  consent  for  me  to  take  the  voyage. 

Betsey  had  been  to  the  village  with  her  father  on 
the  canal,  and  she  knew  the  way,  and  suffice  it  to  say, 
as  the  sun  descended  into  his  gory  bed  in  the  west,  its 
last  light  shone  onto  Betsey  and  me,  a  settin'  in  the 
contracted  cabin  of  the  canal  boat. 

We  were  the  only  females  on  board,  and  if  it 
hadn't  been  for  Betsey's  bein'  his  relation,  we 
couldn't  have  embarked,  for  the  bark  was  heavily  la 
den.  The  evening  after  we  embarked,  the  boat  satf- 
in'  at  the  time  under  the  pressure  of  2  miles  an  hour, 
a  storm  began  to  come  up,  I  didn't  say  nothin',  but  I 
wished  I  was  a  shore.  The  rain  come  down — the 
thunder  roared  in  the  distance — the  wind  howled  at 
us,  I  felt  sad.  I  thought  of  Josiah. 


400  THE  DANGERS  OF  THE  SEA. 

As  the  storm  increased  Betsey  looted  out  of  the 
window,  and  says  she, 

"  Josiah  Allen's  wife  we  are  surrounded  by 
dangers,  one  of  the  horses  has  got  the  heaves,  can  you 
not  heah  him  above  the  wild  roah  of  the  tempest  ? 
And  one  of  them  is  balky,  I  know  it."  And  liftin1 
her  gloomy  eyes  to  the  ceilin'  so  I  couldn't  see  much 
of  'em  but  the  whites,  says  she,  "  Look  at  the  stove 
pipe  !  see  it  sway  in  the  storm,  a  little  heavieh  blast 
will  unhinge  it.  And  what  a  night  it  would  be  for 
pirates  to  be  abroad,  and  give  chase  to  us."  "  But  " 
she  continued,  "  my  soul  is  in  unison  witli  the  wild 
fury  of  the  elements.  I  feel  like  warbling  one  of  the 
wild  sea  odes  of  old,  and  she  begun  to  sing, 

"  My  name  is  Robert  Kidd, 
As  I  sailed,  as  I  sailed. 
My  name  is  Robert  Kidd,  as  I  sailed. 

She  sung  it  right  through ;  I  should  say  by  my  feel- 
in's,  it  took  her  nigh  on  to  an  hour,  though  my  suffer- 
in' s  1  know  blinded  me,  and  made  my  calculations 
of  time  less  to  be  depended  on  than  a  clock.  She 
sang  it  through  once,  and  then  she  began  it  agin,  she 
got  as  far  the  second  time  as  this, 

My  name  is  Robert  Kidd, 
And  so  wickedly  I  did 
As  I  sailed,  as  I  sailed, 
Oh  !  so  wickedly  I  did 
As  I  sailed. 

The  cabin  was  dark,  only  lit  by  one  kerosene  lamp, 
with  a  chimbly  dark  with  the  smoke  of  years.  Her 
voice  was  awful ;  the  tune  was  awful ;  I  stood  it  as 


BETSEY  PROPOSES  TO  SOAH.  401 

long   as  I   could    seemin'ly,  and  says  I,  in  agitated 
tones, 

"  I  wouldn't  sing  any  more  Betsey,  if  I  was  in  your 
place." 

Alas !  better  would  it  have  been  for  my  piece  of 
mind,  had  I  let  her  sing.  For  although  she  stopped 
the  piece  with  a  wild  quaver  that  made  me  tremble, 
she  spoke  right  up,  and  says  she, 

"  My  soul  seems  mountin'  up  and  in  sympathy  with 
the  scene.  My  spirit  is  soarin',  and  must  have  vent. 
Josiah  Allen's  wife  have  you  any  objections  to  my 
writin'  a  poem.  I  have  got  seven  sheets  of  paper  in 
my  portrnanty." 

The  spirit  of  my  4  fathers  rose  up  in  me  and  says 
I,  firmly, 

"  When  I  come  onto  the  deep,  I  come  expectin'  to 
face  trouble — I  am  prepared  for  it,"  says  I,  "  a  few 
verses  more  or  less  haint  a  goin'  to  overthrow  my 
principles." 

She  sot  down  by  the  table  and  began  to  take  off 
her  tow  curls  and  frizzles,  I  should  think  by  a  careless 
estimate  that  there  was  a  six  quart  pan  full.  And 
then  she  went  to  untwistin'  her  own  hair,  which  was 
done  up  at  the  back  side  of  her  head  in  a  little  nubbin 
about  as  big  as  -J  a  sweet  walnut.  Says  she, 

"  I  always  let  down  my  haih,  and  take  out  my  teeth 
when  I  write  poetry,  I  feel  moah  free  and  soahing  in 
my  mind.'*  Says  she  in  a  sort  of  a  apoligy  way, 


402  A  NIGHT  OF  HORRORS. 

"  Genious  is  full  of  excentricities,  that  seem  strange 
to  the  world's  people." 

Says  I,  calmly  "  You  can  let  down,  and  take  out, 
all  you  want  to,  I  can  stand  it." 

But  it  was  a  fearful  scene.  It  was  a  night  never  to 
be  forgot  while  memory  sets  up  on  her  high  chair  in 
my  mind.  Outside,  the  rain  poured  down,  overhead 
on  deck,  the  wind  shrieked  at  the  bags  and  boxes, 
threatenin'  'em  with  almost  an  instant  destruction. 
The  stove  pipe  that  run  up  through  the  floor  shook  as 
if  every  blast  would  unjinte  it,  and  then  the  thought 
would  rise  up,  though  I  tried  to  put  it  out  oi  my 
head,  who  would  put  it  up  again.  One  of  the  horsea 
was  balky,  I  knew,  for  I  could  hear  the  driver  swear 
at  him.  And  every  time  he  swore,  I  thought  of 
Josiah,  and  it  kep  him  in  my  mind  most  all  the  time. 
Yes,  the  storm  almost  raved  outside,  and  inside,  a  still 
more  depressin'  and  fearful  sight  to  me — Betsey  Bob- 
bet  sot  with  her  few  locks  streamin'  down  over  her 
pale  and  holler  cheeks,  for  her  teeth  was  out,  and  she 
wrote  rapidly,  and  I  knew,  jest  as  well  as  I  know  my 
name  is  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  that  I  had  got  to  hear 
'em  read.  Oh  !  the  anguish  of  that  night !  I  thought 
of  the  happy  people  on  shore,  in  thier  safe  and  peace 
ful  feather  beds,  and  then  on  the  treacherous  element 
I  was  a  ridin'  on,  and  then  I  thought  of  Josiah. 
Sometimes  mockin'  fancy  would  so  mock  at  me  that 
I  could  almost  fancy  that  I  heard  him  snore.  But  110 ! 


BETSEY  FEELS  RECKLESS.  403 

cold  reality  told  me  that  it  was  only  the  heavey  horse, 
or  the  wind  a  blowin'  through  the  stove  pipe,  and 
then  I  would  rouse  up  to  the  agonizin'  thought  that  I 
was  at  sea,  far,  far  from  home  and  Josiah.  And  then 
a  solemn  voice  would  sometimes  make  itself  heard  in 
my  sole,"  Mebby  you  never  will  hear  him  snore  agin." 
And  then  I  would  sithe  heavily. 

And  the  driver  on  the  tow  path  would  loudly  curse 
that  dangerous  animal  and  the  wind  would  howl  'round 
the  boxes,  and  the  stove  pipe  would  rattle,  and  Betsey 
would  write  poetry  rapidly,  and  I  knew  I  had  got  to 
hear  it.  And  so  the  tegus  night  wore  away.  Finally 
at  \  past  2,  wore  out  as  I  was  with  fateegue  and 
wakefullness,  Betsey  ceased  writin'  and  says  she. 

"  It  is  done  !     I  will  read  them  to  you." 

I  sithed  so  deeply  that  even  Betsey  almost  trem 
bled,  and  says  she, 

"  Are  you  in  pain,  Josiah  Allen's  wife?" 

Says  I,  "  only  in  my  mind." 

"  Wall "  says  she,  "  It  is  indeed  a  fearful  time. 
But  somehow  my  soul  exults  strangely  in  the  perils 
environing  us.  I  feel  like  courtin'  and  keepin'  com 
pany  with  danger  to  night  I  feel  as  if  I  could  almost 
dare  to  mount  that  steed  wildly  careering  along  the 
tow  path,  if  I  only  had  a  side  saddle.  I  feel  like  rush- 
in'  into  dangeh,  I  feel  reckless  to-night." 

Here  the  driver  swore  fearfully,  and  still  more 
apaulin'  sight  to  me,  Betsey  opened  her  paper  and 
commenced  readin': 


BETSEY'S  SEA  I'OEM. 

8TANZES,   WRITTEN  ON  THE  DEEP. 
BY  BETSEY  BOBBET. 

The  ground  seems  hollow  unto  me; 
Men's  vests  but  mask  deep  perfidee; 
My  life  has  towered  so  hard  and  steep, 
I  seek  the  wild  and  raging  deep. 

Such  knawiug  pains  my  soul  doth  rack, 
That  even  the  wild  horse  on  the  track 
Doth  madly  prance,  and  snort   and  leap  • 
Welcome  the  horrors  of  the  deep. 

Oh,  Joncsville !  on  that  peaceful  shoah, 
Methinks  I'll  see  thy  towehs  no  moeh. 
When  morn  wakes  happy,  thoughtless  sheep 
Betsey  may  slumbeh  in  the  deep. 

If  far  from  thee  my  bones  are  doomed, 
In  these  dark  waves  to  be  entoomed, 
Mermaids  I  hope  will  o'er  her  weep, 
Who  drownded  was,  within  the  deep. 

Dear  Augur  hopes  in  ruin  lays ; 
My  Ebineezah  I  could  not  raise; 
Deah  lost  gazelles,  I  can  but  weep, 
With  gloomy  eyes  bent  o'eh  the  deepi. 

One  Slimpsey  star,  whose  name  is  Simon, 
Still  twinkles  taint,  like  a  small  sized  diamond; 
Oh,  star  of  hope,  I  sithe,  I  weep, 
Thou  shinest  so  faint  across  the  deep. 

There  was  between  20  and  30  verses  of  'em,  but 
truly  it  is  always  the  darkest  jest  before  daylight,  for 
as  she  was  a  read  in'  of  'em,  I— a  leanin'  back  in  my 
chair— dropped  off  to  sleep,  and  forgot  my  trouble. 
Betsey  also  went  to  sleep  before  she  read  the  last  of 
'em.  And  when  I  waked  up,  the  boat  had  stopped 
in  front  of  our  house,  the  wind  had  gone  down,  the 
sun  was  a  shiiiiii',  and  Josiah  was  comin'  down  to  the 


HOME  FROM  THE  TOWER. 


405 


bank.  The  danger  was  all  past — Home  and  Josiab 
was  inine  agin,  I  grasped  holt  of  his  hand  as  he 
helped  me  get  >ff,  and  in  a  voice  tremulous  with  feel 
in's  I  could  not  control  I  said, 

"  I  have  got  home  Josiah  !  is  breakfast  ready  ?" 
There  was  a  tenderness  in  his  tone,  and  a  happy 
smile  on  his  face  that  reminded  me  of  the  sweet  day  a 
of  our  courtship,  as  he  answered  me  in  a  tone  almost 
husky  with  emotion, 

"  Yes  Samantha,  all  but  settiu'  the  table." 


AT   HOME. 


Says  I,  "  I'm  glad  of  it,   for  I'm  dreadful  hungry." 


OLD  FRIENDS  IN  NEW  GARMENTS. 


IT  was  a  lovely  Monday  forenoon  some  three  or 
four  weeks  after  my  voyage.  I  was  a  sittin'  near 
the  open  back  door  en  joy  in'  the  pleasant  prospect,  and 
also  washin'  some  new  potatoes  for  dinner.  Truly  it 
was  a  fair  scene.  The  feathered  hens  was  a  singin' 
in  their  innocent  joy  as  they  scratched  the  yieldin' 
turf  after  bugs  and  worms.  Old  "  Hail  the  Day  "  was 
proudly  struttin'  round,  standin'  first  on  one  foot  and 
then  on  the  other,  and  erowin'  joyfully  in  his  careless 
freedom  and  glee.  The  breezes  blew  sweetly  from 
the  west,  and  I  thought  with  joy  that  my  clothes  on 
the  clothes  line  would  be  ready  to  iron  by  the  time  I 
got  dinner  out  of  the  way.  The  Bun  shone  down  out 
of  a  blue  and  cloudless  sky,  and  I  looked  pensively  at 
my  green  gages,  and  thought  fondly  how  the  sun  was 
a  ripenin'  'em.  All  nature  was  peaceful  and  serene, 
and  my  mind  as  I  gently  scraped  the  large  fair  pota 
toes,  and  thought  how  good  they  was  goin'  to  be  with 

406 


BETSEY  BOBBET  MARRIED.  407 

the  baked  lamb  I  had  got  in  the  oven,  was  as  peaceful 
and  serene  as  the  same.  Suddenly  I  heard  the  gate 
click  to  and  I  saw  old  Mr.  Bobbet  comin'  up  to  the 
house.  He  seemed  dreadfully  agitated,  and  I  could 
hear  him  talkin'  to  himself.  He  came  right  into  the 
door  and  took  his  hat  off  in  one  hand,  holdin'  his 
crooked  cane  in  the  the  other  and  swung  'em  both  over 
his  head  to  once,  and  says  he, 

"  It's  done !     It's  done !  " 

"  What's  done,"  says  I  droppin'  my  knife  onto  the 
floor. 

"  Betsey's  gone !  "  shouted  he,  and  he  run  out  the 
door  like  a  limy. 

I  was  a  most  skairt  to  death,  and  remained  motion 
less  nigh  onto  a  minute,  when  I  heard  Josiah  comin5 
in.  Little  did  I  dream  what  a  blow  was  comin'  onto 
me.  He  come  and  stood  right  in  front  of  me,  and  I 
thought  at  the  time,  he  looked  at  me  dreadful  curious, 
but  I  kep  on  a  scrapin'  my  potatoes,  (I  had  got  Jein 
most  done.) 

Finally  all  at  ouce  Josiah  spoke  up  and  says  he, 

"  Betsey  Bobbett  is  married." 

I    dropped    the    pan   of    potatoes    right    down 
onto  the  floor  for  I  was  as  weak  as  a  weak   white   cat. 
"Who!  Josiah  Allen!  who!  is  the  man  ?" 
— "  Simon  Slimppey,"  says  he,  "  They  was  married 
last  night — as  I  was  comin'  by  the  old  cider  mill " 

"  I  see  all  through  it,"  says  I  mournfully.  "  He 
and  seven  or  eight  of  his  children  have  been  sick,  and 
Betsej"  would  go  and  take  care  of  'em-" 


408  JOSIAH  CALLS  HARD  NAMES. 

"  Yes  "  says  Josiah,  "  As  I  was  comin'  past  the  old 
cider  mill " 

Says  I  with  spirit,  "It  ought  to  be  looked  into, 
He  was  a  helpless  old  man,  and  she  has  took  the  ad 
vantage  of  him."  I  went  on  warmly,  for  I  thought 
of  his  gloomy  fourbodin's,  and  I  always  felt  for  the 
oppressted  and  imposed  upon.  I  had  went  on  I  pre 
sume  as  much  as  2  minutes  and  a  j-  when  Josiah 
says  he, 

"  I  wouldn't  take  on  so  about  it  Sainantha,  any 
body  to  hear  you  talk  would  think  you  was  a  perfect 
farrago." 

Says  I,  "  If  I  was  a  goin'  to  abuse  my  wife  and 
call  her  names  I  would  do  it  accordin'  to  grammar, 
you  mean  "  virtigo  "  Josiah." 

"  Wall  I  said  virtigo,  didn't  I  ?  "  Josiah  never  will 
own  that  he  is  in  the  wrong. 

"  And  I  didn't  say  you  was  a  virtigo  Samantha, 
only  anybody  would  take  you  for  a  virtigo,  that 
did'nt  know  you." 

I  remained  almost  lost  in  sad  thoughts  for  pretty 
nigh  -J  a  minute,  and  then  I  says,  in  mournful  tones, 

"  Have  you  heard  any  of  the  particulars  Josiah  ? 
Have  you  seen  any  of  the  relatives?  was  the  old  man 
any  more  reconciled  to  the  last 9" 

"  Yes  "  says  Josiah,  "  As  I  was  comin'  by  the  old 
cider  mill — " 

"  Wall  do  for  conscience  sake  come  by  the  old  cider 


THE  CIDER  MILL  PASSED.  409 

mill,  and  be  done  with  it,"  says  I,  feelin'  worried 
out  in  my  mind  and  by  the  side  of  myself. 

"  How  be  I  goin'  to  get  by  Samantha  ?  you  are  so 
agravatin',  you'll  never  let  me  finish  a  story  peacible, 
and  I  should  think  it  was  about  dinner  time." 

"  So  'tis  "  says  I,  soothin'ly,  hangin'  on  the  teakettle, 
and  puttin'  the  potatoes  over  the  stove  in  the  summer 
kitchen.  For  a  long  and  arduous  study  of  the  sect 
has  convinced  me  that  good  vittles  are  more  healin' 
than  oil  to  pour  onto  a  mans  lacerated  feelin's.  And 
the  same  deep  study  has  warned  me  never  to  get  mad 
at  the  same  time  Josiah  does,  on  these  2  great  philis- 
ofical  laws,  hangs  all  the  harmony  of  married  life. 
Then  I  stepped  out  onto  the  stoop  agin,  and  says  to 
him  in  calm,  affectionate  accents, 

"  What  is  it  about  the  old  cider  mill,  Josiah  ?" 

"  Nothin'  "  says  he,  "  Only  I  met  one  of  the  first 
mourners — I  mean  one  of  old  Slimpsey's  sisters  there, 
and  she  told  me  about  it,  she  said  that  sense  the 
Editer  of  the  Auger  was  married,  and  sense  Betsey 
had  got  back  from  New  York  she  had  acted  like  a 
wild  critter.  She  seemed  to  think  it  was  now  or  nev 
er.  The  awful  doom  of  not  bein'  married  at  all,  seem 
ed  to  fall  upon  her,  and  craze  her  with  wild  horror. 
And  findin'  Slimpsey  who  was  a  weak  sort  of  a  man 
any  way,  and  doubly  weakened  now  by  age  and  inflam- 
atory  rheumatism,  she  went  and  took  care  of  him,  and 
got  the  upper  hand  of  him,  made  him  a  victim  and 


410  EFFECT  ON  SIMON. 

married  him,  at  his  own  house,  Sunday  night  at  half 
past  seven." 

I  was  so  lost  in  sorrowful  thought  as  Josiah  continued 
the  mournful  tale,  that  Josiah  says,  in  a  soothin'  tone, 

"  You  ought  to  try  to  be  reconciled  to  it  Samantha, 
it  seems  to  be  the  Lord's  will  that  she  should  marry 
him." 

"I  don't  believe  in  layin'  every  mean  low  lived 
thing  to  the  Lord,  Josiah,  I  lay  this  to  Betsey  Bobbet ;" 
and  I  agin  plunged  down  into  gloomy  thought,  and 
was  roused  only  by  his  concludin'  words, 

"  Seems  to  me  Samantha,  you  might  have  a  few 
griddle  cakes,  the  bread — I  see  this  mornin' — was 
gettin'  kinder  dry." 

"  Mechanically  I  complied  with  his  request,  for  my 
thoughts  wasn't  there,  they  was  with  the  afflicted,  and 
down  trodden. 

One  week  after  this  I  was  goin'  up  the  post  office 
steps,  and  I  come  face  to  face  with  Simon  Slimpsey. 
He  had  grown  23  years  older  durin'  the  past  week. 
But  he  is  a  shiftless,  harmless  critter  hurtin'  himself 
more'n  any  body  else.  He  was  naturally  a  small 
boned  man.  In  the  prime  of  his  manhood  he  might 
have  come  up  to  Betsey's  shoulders,  but  now  withered 
by  age  and  grief  the  highest  hat  was  futile  to  bring 
him  up  much  above  her  belt  ribbon.  He  looked  sad 
indeed,  my  heart  bled  for  him.  But  with  the  instinc 
tive  delicacy  inherient  to  my  sect,  I  put  on  a  jokeuler 
tone,  and  says  I,  as  I  shook  hands  with  him, 


SIMON  TELLS  OF  HIS  TREATMENT.  411 

"  How  do  you  do,  Simon  ?  I  hain't  seen  you  before, 
sense  you  was  married,  Simon  Slimpsey." 

He  looked  at  me  almost  wildly  in  the  face,  and  says 
he  in  a  despairin'  tone, 

"I  knew  it  would  come  to  this,  Miss  Allen  !  I  knew 
it.  I  told  you  how  it  would  be,  you  know  I  did.  She 
always  said  it  was  her  spear  to  marry,  I  knew  I  should 
be  the  one,  I  always  was  the  one." 

"  Don't  she  use  you  well,  Simon  Slimpsey  ?" 

"  She  is  pretty  hard  on  me,"  says  he.  "  I  hain't  had 
my  way  in  anything  sense  the  day  she  married  me. 
She  begun  to  ( hold  my  nose  to  the  grindstone,'  as  the 
saying  is,  before  we  had  been  married  2  hours.  And 
she  hain't  no  housekeeper,  nor  cook,  I  have  had  to  live 
on  pancakes  most  of  the  time  sense  it  took  place,  and 
they  are  tougher  than  leather;  I  have  been  most 
tempted  to  cut  some  out  of  my  boot  legs  to  see  if  they 
wouldn't  be  tenderer,  but  I  never  should  hear  the  end 
of  it,  if  I  did.  She  jaws  me  awfully,  and  orders  me 
round  as  if  I  was  a  dog,  a  yeller  dog — "  he  added 
despairin'ly,  "  if  I  was  a  yeller  dog,  she  couldn't  seem 
to  look  down  on  me  any  more,  and  treat  me  any 
worse." 

Says  I,  "  I  always  did  mistrust  these  wimmen  that 
talk  so  much  about  not  wantin'  any  rights,  and 
clingin'  and  so  forth.  But,"  says  I,  not  wantin'  to  run 
anybody  to  thier  backs,  "  she  thought  it  was  her  spear 
to  marry." 

"I  told  you,"  says  he,  in  agonizin'  tones,  "  I  told 
17 


412  A  FOLORN  MAN. 

you  that  spear  of  hern  would  destroy  me,  and  it  has." 

He  looked  so  sorrowful  that  I  says  to  him  in  still 
more  jokeuler  tones  than  I  had  yet  used,  "  Chirk  up 
Simon  Slimpsey,  I  wish  you  joy."  I  felt  that  he 
needed  it  indeed.  He  give  me  an  awful  look  that 
was  jest  about  half  reproach,  and  half  anguish,  and  I 
see  a  tear  begin  to  flow.  I  turned  away  respectin'  his 
feelin's.  As  he  went  down  the  steps  slowly,  I  see 
him  put  his  hands  in  his  pockets,  as  if  searchin'  for 
his  handkerchief,  seemiii'ly  in  vain.  But  he  had  on  a 
long  blue  broadcloth  swallow  tailed  coat  that  he  was 
married  in  the  first  time  long  years  ago,  and  as  he 
went  round  the  corner  he  took  up  the  skirts  of  his 
coat  and  wiped  his  eyes.  I  said  to  myself  with  a 
deep  sithe,  "And  this  is  woman's  only  spear." 
And  the  words  awakened  in  my  breast  as  many  as  19 
or  20  different  emotions,  and  I  dont  know  but  more. 

I  murmured  mewsin'ly  to  myself,  "  It  seems  to  me, 
if  I  was  a  woman  I  should  about  as  lives  be  a  con- 
stable." 

While  I  was  still  me  wain,  Betsey,  his  wife  tore 
down  the  street,  in  a  distracted  way,  and  paused 
before  me. 

"  Have  you  seen  my  husband  ?"  says  she,  "  can  you 
tell  a  distracted  wife — have  you  seen  her  husband 
Simon  Slimpsey  ?" 

She  looked  wild,  as  if  she  feared  a  catastrophe,  and 
she  cried  out,  loosin'  holt  of  her  self  control,  in  a  firm 
constable  like  tone, 


SL1MPSET  AND  HIS  HORSE. 

"  He  shall  not  escape  me !  I  will  telegraph  to  the 
next  station  house !  I  will  have  the  creek  dragged ! 
the  woods  shall  be  scoured  out !  says  she. 

"  Be  calm,  and  compose  yourself,"  says  I  frigidly, 
"  Simon  Simpson  has  gone  up  towards  his  house." 

She  heaved  a  deep  sithe  of  content,  and  triumph 
agin  brooded  down  upon  her  eyebrow  as  she  follered 
on  after  him. 

I  hadn't  no  idee  of  callin'  on  her,  I  wouldn't,  but 
the  next  day,  Simon  Slimpsey  went  by  on  his  old 
white  horse.  It  is  a  very  dejected  lookin'  horse  in  the 
face,  besides  carryin'  a  couple  of  wash-boards  in  its 
sides,  in  the  line  of  ribs.  Thomas  Jefferson  says, 
"  What  gives  it  its  mournful  expression,  it  is  mournin' 
for  the  companions  of  its  youth."  Says  he,  "you 
know  Noah  saved  a  pair  of  everything,"  and  says  he, 
"  his  poor  companion  passed  away  several  thousand 
years  ago."  That  boy  worry s  me,  I  don't  know  what 
he  is  comin'  to.  Slimpsey's  old  horse  haint  more'n 
35  or  40  years  old,  I  don't  believe.  They  say  Betsey 
is  makin'  a  pale  blue  cambric  ridin'  dress,  and  is  goin' 
to  ride  him  a  horse  back  this  fall.  It  don't  seem  to 
me  there  would  be  much  fun  in  it,  he  is  so  lame, 
besides  havin'  a  habit  of  fallin'  frequently  with  the 
blind  staggers ;  howsomever  its  none  of  my  business. 

But  as  I  was  a  sayin'  I  stood  silently  in  the  door, 
to  see  old  Slimpsey  go  by  a  horseback,  and  I  thought 
to  myself  as  I  pensively  turned  out  my  tea  grounds. 


414:  BETSEY  (BOBBET)  SLIMPSEY  AT  HOME. 

(I  was  a  gettin'  dinner)  how  much — how  much  it 
looks  like  a  night  mare  that  has  broke  out  of  its  law 
ful  night  pastures,  and  is  runnin'  away  with  a  pale 
and  harassed  victim.  So  haggard  and  melancholy 
did  they  both  look.  And  I  sithed.  I  had'nt  much 
more'n  got  through  sithin',  when  he  rode  up,  and 
says  he, 

"  The  seventh  boy  is  worse,  and  the  twin  girls  are 
took  down  with  it,  it  would  be  a  melankoly  pleasure 
Miss  Allen  if  you  could  go  up."  I  went. 

Betsey  had  got  the  most  of  'em  to  sleep,  and  was 
settin'  between  a  few  cradles,  and  trundle  beds,  and 
high  chairs  all  filled  with  measles,  and  a  few  mumps. 
Betsey's  teeth  was  out,  and  her  tow  frizzles  lay  on 
the  table  with  a  lot  of  paper — so  I  mistrusted  she  had 
been  writin'  a  poem.  But  she  was  now  engaged  in 
mendin'  a  pair  of  pantaloons,  the  8th  pair — she  told 
me — she  had  mended  that  day,  for  Simon  Slimpsy  was 
a  poor  man,  and  couldn't  afiord  to  buy  new  ones. 
They  was  a  hard  and  mournful  lookin'  pair,  and  says 
I  to  her — in  a  tone  in  which  pity  and  contempt  was 
blended  about  half  and  half — 

"  Betsey  are  you  happy  f ' 

"  I  am  at  rest,"  says  she,  "  more  at  rest  than  I  have 
been  for  years." 

"  Are  you  happy  ?"  says  I>  lookin'  keenly  at  her. 

"  I  feel  real  dignified,'9  says  she,  "  There  isn't  no 
nse  in  a  woman  trying  to  be  dignified  till  she  is 


SOMETHIN'  TO  LEAN  ON.  415 

married,  for  she  can't.  I  have  tried  it  and  I  know. 
1  cm  truly  say  Josiah  Allen's  wife,  that  I  neveh 
knew  what  dignity  was,  until  one  week  ago  last 
Sunday  night  at  half  past  seven  in  the  evenin'," 
says  she,  turnin'  over  the  pantaloons,  and  attactin'  a 
ghastly  hole  of  ahout  7  by  9  dimensions  in  the  left 
knee. 

1  sot  silently  in  my  chair  like  a  statute,  while  she 
remarked  thus,  and  as  she  paused,  I  says  to  her  agin, 
fixing  my  mild  but  stern  grey  eyes  upon  her  weary 
form,  bendin'  over  the  dilapitated  folds  of  the  8th. 

"  Are  you  happy  Betsey  ?" 

"  I  have  got  something  to  lean  on,"  says  she. 

I  thought  of  the  fragile  form  bendin'  over  the  lean 
and  haggard  horse,  and  totterin'  away,  withered  by 
age  and  grief,  in  the  swallow  tailed  coat,  and  says  I  in 
a  pityin'  accent, 

"  Dont  lean  too  hard  Betsey." 

"Why?"  says  she. 

Says  I,  in  a  kind  of  a  blind  way,  "  You  may  be 
sorry  if  you  do,"  and  then  I  says  to  her  in  clear  and 
piercin'  accents  these  words, 

"  Do  you  love  your  husband  Betsey  ?" 

"  I  dont  think  love  is  necessary,"  says  she,  "  I  am 
married,  which  is  enough  to  satisfy  any  woman  who 
is  more  or  less  reasonable,  that  is  the  main  and  im 
portant  thing,  and  as  I  have  said,  love  and  respect, 
and  so  forth  are  miners  as — 


410  WIMMEN  SELLIN'  THEMSELVES. 

"  Miners !"  says  I  in  a  tone  of  deep  indignity, 
"  Minors  !  Betsey  Bobbet—" 

"  Mrs  Betsey  Bobbet  Slimpsey,"  says  she  correctin' 
of  me  proudly,  as  she  attacted  another  mournful  look- 
in'  hole  as  big  as  my  two  hands. 

"  Well !  Betsey  Slimpsey  !"  says  I,  beginnin'  agin, 
and  wavin'  my  right  hand  in  a  eloquent  wave,  "There 
hain't  no  more  beautiful  sight  on  earth  than  to  see 
two  hunan  soles,  out  of  pure  love  to  each  other,  gen 
tly  approachin'  each  other,  as  .if  they  must.  And  at 
last  all  thier  hopes  and  thoughts,  and  affections  run- 
nin'  in  together,  so  you  can't  seperate  'em  nohow,  jest 
like  two  drops  of  rain  water,  in  a  mornin'  glory  blow. 
And  to  see  'em  nestlin'  there,  not  carin'  for  nobody 
outside  the  blow,  contented  and  bound  up  in  each 
other,  till  the  sun  evaporates  'em,  (as  it  were)  and 
draws  'em  up  together  into  the  heaven,  not  seperatin' 
of  'em  up  there — why  such  a  marriage  as  that  is  a 
sight  that  does  men  and  angels  good  to  look  at.  But 
when  a  woman  sells  herself,  swaps  her  puri;y,  her 
self  respect,  her  truth,  and  her  sole,  for  barter  of  any 
kind,  such  as  a  house  and  lot,  a  few  thousand  d(  ^ars, 
the  name  of  bein'  married,  a  horse  and  buggy,  some 
jewellry,  and  etcetery,  and  not  only  sells  herself,  but 
worse  than  the  Turk  wimmen  goes  round  herself, 
huntin'  up  a  buyer,  crazy,  wrild  eyed,  afraid  she  won't 
find  none — when  she  does  find  one,  suppose  she  does 
have  a  minister  for  salesman,  my  contempt  lor  that 
female  is  unmitigable." 


MARRIAGE  LIKE  BAPTISM.  417 

Betsey  still  looked  so  wrapped  up  in  dignity,  as  she 
bravely  attacted  the  seat  of  another  pair  of  trousers, 
that  it  fairly  made  me  mad.  Insted  of  that  proud  and 
triumphant  mean  I  wanted  her  to  look  some  stricken, 
and  I  resumed  in  a  tone  of  indignaty,  almost  burnin' 
enough  to  set  fire  to  her  apron, 

"  Nor  I  don't  want  these  wimmen  that  have  sold 
themselves  for  a  certificate  with  a  man's  name  on  it — 
I  don't  want  to  hear  'em  talk  about  infamy ;  haint  they 
infamous  themselves  ?  What  have  they  done  differ 
ent  from  these  other  bad  wimmen,  only  they  have  got 
a  stiddy  place,  and  a  little  better  wages,  such  as 
respectability  in  the  eyes  of  fools  and  etcetery.  Do 
you  suppose  that  a  woman  standin'  up  in  front  of  a 
minister  and  tellin'  a  few  pesky  lies,  such  as, '  I  prom 
ise  to  love  a  man  I  hate,  and  respect  a  man  that  hain't 
respectable,  and  honor  and  obey  a  man  I  calculate  to 
make  toe  the  mark ' — do  you  suppose  these  few  lies 
makes  her  any  purer  in  the  eyes  of  God,  than  if  she 
had  sold  herself  without  tellin'  'em,  as  the  other  infa 
mous  wimmen  did  ?  Not  any.  Marriage  is  like  bap 
tism,  as  I  have  said  more'n  a  hundred  times,  you  have 
got  to  have  the  inward  grace  and  the  outward  form  to 
make  it  lawful  and  right.  What  good  does  the  water 
do,  if  your  sole  haint  baptised  with  the  love  of  God  ? 
It  haint  no  better  than  fallin'  into  the  creek." 

I  paused,  spotted  in  the  face  from  conflictin'  emo 
tions,  and  Betsey  begun  in  a  haughty  triumphant  tone, 

"  Womans  speah — " 


418  BETSEY'S  MARRIED  LIFE. 

"Which  words  and  tone  combined  with  recollections 
of  the  aged  sufferer  in  the  blue  swallow  tailed  coat, 
so  worked  on  mj  indignation,  that  I  walked  out  of 
the  house  without  listenin'  to  another  word,  and  put 
on  my  bunnet  out  in  the  door  yard. 

But  I  hollered  back  to  her  from  the  bars — for  Josiah 
Allen's  wife  haint  one  to  desert  duty  in  any  crisis — 
"  that  the  four  youngest  boys  ought  to  be  sweat,  and 
take  some  saffern  tea,  and  I  should  give  the  five  girls, 
and  the  twins,  some  catnip,  and  I'd  let  the  rest  of  'em 
be,  till  the  docter  come." 

I  haint  seen  Betsey  since,  for  she  is  havin'  a  hard 
time  of  it.  She  has  to  work  like  a  dog.  For  Simon 
Slimpsey  bein'  so  poor,  and  not  bein'  no  calculator,  it 
makes  it  hard  for  'em  to  get  along.  And  the  old  man 
seems  to  have  lost  what  little  energy  he  had,  since  he 
was  married,  Betsey  is  so  hard  on  him.  He  has  the 
horrors  awfully.  Betsey  takes  in  work,  but  they  have 
a  hard  time  to  get  along.  Miss  Gowdey  says  that 
Betsey  told  her  that  she  didn't  mind  workin'  so  hard, 
but  she  did  hate  to  give  up  writin'  poetry,  but  she 
didn't  get  no  time  for  it."  So  as  is  jenerally  the  case, 
a  great  good  to  the  world  has  eome  out  of  her  sufferin'. 

I  guess  she  haint  wrote  but  one  piece  sense  she  was 
married  and  they  was  wrote  I  suppose  the  day  I 
ketched  her  with  her  teeth  out,  for  they  come  out  in 
the  next  week's  Gimlet,  for  just  as  quick  as  the  Editor 
of  the  Auger  was  married,  Betsey  changed  her  politix 
and  wrote  agin  as  formally  for  the  Gimlet. 


BETSEY'S  LAST  POEM.  419 

The  following  are  some  of  the  verses  she  wrote : 

I   AM   MARRIED   NOW. 

A  Him  of  Victory. 
BY   MRS.  BETSEY    SLIMPSEY   knee  BOBBET. 

Fate,  I  defy  thee !  I  have  vanquished  thee,  old  maid. 
Dost  ask  why  thus,  this  proud  triumphant  brow  ? 
I  answer  thee,  old  Fate,  with  loud  and  joyful  burst 
Of  blissful  iaughteh,  I  am  married  now ! 

Once  grief  did  rave  about  my  lonely  head ; 
Once  I  did  droop,  as  droops  a  drooping  willow  bough ; 
Once  I  did  tune  my  liah  to  doleful  strains ; 
Tis  past !  'tis  past  my  soul !  I  am  married  now ! 
Then,  sneering,  venomed  darts  pierced  my  lone,  lone  heart ; 
Then,  mocking  married  fingers  dragged  me  low, 
But  now  I  tune  my  liah  to  sweet  extatic  strains, 
My  teahs  have  all  been  shed,  I  am  married  now ! 

No  gossip  lean  can  wound  me  by  her  speech, 

I,  no  humilitatin'  neveh  more  shall  know ; 

Sorrow,  stand  off!  I  am  beyond  thy  ghastly  reach, 

For  Mrs.  Betsey  Slimpsey  (formerly  Bobbet)  is  married  now  I 

Oh,  mournful  past,  when  I  in  Ingun  file 
Climbed  single  life's,  bleak,  rocky,  mounten's  brow, 
Blest  lot !  that  unto  wedlock's  glorious  glade 
Hath  led  me.     Betsey's  married  now ! 

Oh  female  hearts  with  anxious  longings  stirred, 
Cry  Ho  !.for  wimmen's  speah,  and  seal  it  with  a  vow, 
Take  Mrs.  Betsey  Bobbet  Slimpsey's  word 
That  thou  shalt  triumph  !  /am  married  now! 

Yes,  Betsey's  married !  sweet  to  meditate  upon  it, 
To  tune  my  happy  liah  with  haughty,  laughing  brow 
To  these  sweet,  glorious  words,  the  burden  of  my  sonnet^ 
That  Mrs.  Betsey  Bobbet  Slimpsey 's  married  now ! 

17* 


HORACE  AND  JOSIAH. 


"YTTHEN  the  news  come  to  me  that  Horace  Greely 
V  V  was  dead  I  almost  cried.  The  tears  did  just  run 
down  my  face  like  rain-water,  I  don't  know  when  I 
have  come  nearer  cryin'  than  I  did  then.  And  my  first 
thought  was,  they  have  tried  awful  hard  to  keep  him 
out  of  the  White  House,  but  he  has  got  into  one 
whiter  than  any  they  have  got  in  Washington,  D.  C. 
And  then  my  very  next  thought  was,  Josiah  Allen's 
wife  did  you  say  anything  to  hurt  that  man's  feelin's, 
when  you  was  a  tryin'  to  influence  him  on  your 
tower  ? 

I  believe  if  folks  would  only  realize  how  every 
harsh  word,  and  cold  look  they  stab  lovin'  hearts  with, 
would  just  turn  round  like  bayonets,  and  pierce  their 
own  heart  in  a  time  like  this — they  would  be  more 
careful  how  they  handled  'em.  But  glad  enough  was 
I  to  think  that  I  didn't  say  a  hard  word  to  him,  but 

had  freed  my  mind,  and  told  him  jest  how  good  I 

420 


REMEMBRANCES  OF  HORACE  GREELY.  421 

thought  he  was,  and  how  much  he  had  done  for  the 
Black  African,  and  the  Human  Eace,  before  it  was 
too  late.  Glad  enough  was  I  that  I  didn't  wait  till 
that  noble  heart  was  cold  and  lifeless,  and  couldn't  be 
pained  by  unkindness,  or  made  gladder  by  sympathy, 
before  I  gin  him  mine. 

But  in  the  time  of  trouble,  the  love  that  had  been 
his  best  reward  for  all  the  successes  of  his  bard  work- 
in'  life,  had  gone  from  him.  And  I  know  jest  how 
that  great  heart  ached  for  that  love  and  sympathy. 
I  know  jest  how  poor  the  praise  of  the  world  would 
have  looked  to  him,  if  he  couldn't  have  seen  it  a  shin- 
in'  through  them  lovin'  eyes — and  how  hard  it  was 
for  him  to  bear  its  blame  alone.  Tired  out,  defeated 
the  world  called  him,  but  he  only  had  to  fold  his 
hands,  and  shet  his  eyes  up  and  he  was  crowned  with 
success  in  that  world  where  He,  who  was  once  rejected 
by  a  majority,  crowned  with  thorns  of  earthly  defeat 
waits  now  to  give  the  crown  of  Eternal  Repose  to  all 
true  souls,  all  the  weary  warriors  on  life's  battle 
field  who  give  their  lives  for  the  right.  And  it 
seemed  so  kinder  beautiful  too,  to  think  that  before 
she  he  loved  so,  hardly  had  time  to  feel  strange 
in  them  "  many  mansions,"  he  was  with  her  agin,  and 
they  could  keep  house  together  all  through  Eternity 

Yet, — though  as  I  say,  I  don't  know  when  I  have 
come  so  near  cryin'  as  I  did  then— I  said  to  myself  as 
I  wiped  my  eyes  on  my  apron,  I  wouldn't  call  him 


422  VICTORY'S  POSITION. 

back  from  that  happy  rest  he  had  earnt  so  well  if  I 
could. 

But  there  are  other  things  that  are  worrysome  to 
me,  and  make  me  a  sight  of  trouble.  It  was  a  day  or 
2  after  this,  and  I  was  settin'  alone,  for  Josiah  had 
gone  to  mill,  and  Thomas  Jefferson  and  Maggy  Snow 
and  Tirzah  Ann  and  Whitfield  Minkley  had  gone  a 
slay  riding  (them  two  affairs  is  in  a  flourishin'  condi 
tion  and  it  is  very  aggreeable  to  Josiah  and  me,  though 
I  make  no  matches,  nor  break  none— or  that  is,  I  don't 
make  none,  only  by  talkin'  in  a  encouragin'  manner, 
nor  break  none  only  with  thoroughwert  in  a  mild 
way. 

I  sot  all  alone,  a  cuttin'  carpet  rags,  and  a  musin 
sadly.  Victory  in  jail !  And  though  I  felt  that  she 
richly  deserved  it,  and  I  should  liked  to  have  shut 
her  up  myself  in  our  suller  way,  for  darin'  to  slander 
Beecher,  still  to  me  who  knows  her  sect  so  well,  it 
seemed  kinder  hard  that  a  woman  should  be  where 
she  couldn't  go  a  visatin'.  And  then  to  think  the 
good  talkin'  to,  I  give  her  when  I  was  on  my  tower 
hadn't  ammounted  to  nothin',  seemin'ly.  I  wasn't 
sorry  I  had  labored  with  her — not  a  mite,  I  had  did 
my  duty  anyway.  And  I  knew  jest  as  well  as  I  know 
that  my  name  was  formally  Smith,  that  when  anybody 
is  a  workin'  in  the  Cause  of  Eight,  they  hadn't  ought 
to  be  discouraged  if  they  didn't  get  their  pay  down, 
for  you  can't  sow  your  seeds  and  pick  your  posy's 


MOURNFUL  THOUGHTS  OF  MY  TOWBB.  423 

the  same  day  anyway.  And  I  know  that  great  idees 
was  enough  sight  harder  to  get  rooted  and  a  growin' 
than  the  Century  plant,  and  that  takes  a  hundred 
years  for  it  to  blow  out. 

I  know  all  this,  but  human  nater  gets  kinder  tired 
a  waitin',  and  there  seems  no  end  to  the  snows  that 
lay  between  us  and  that  summer  that  all  earnest 
souls  are  a  workin'  for.  And  then  I  want  my 
sect  to  do  'right, — I  want  'em  to  be  real  respectable, 
and  I  felt  that  take  Victory  all  together  she  wasn't 
a  orniment  to  it.  I  thought  of  my  sect,  and  then  I 
thought  of  Victory,  and  then  I  sithed.  Beecher  a 
bein'  lied  about,  Tilton  ditto  and  the  same,  for  you 
see  I  don't  nor  won't  believe  what  Victory  says 
against  'em,  although  they  don't  come  out  and 
deny  the  truth  of  it,  either  of  'em,  just  to  satisfy  some 
folks  who  say  that  they  ought  to.  Miss  Anthony 
havin'  a  hard  tussle  of  it  at  Rochester. 

Whitfield  Minkley  had  told  me  too  that  day 
that  Miss  Aster  didn't  keep  tavern  herself,  and 
there  I  had  had  all  my  trouble  about  her  for  nothing 
demeanin'  myself  by  offerin'  to  wash  dishes  for — I 
know  not  who.  And  to  think  that  Jonothan  Beans'es 
ex-wife  should  have  deceived  me  so,  when  I 
befriended  her  so  much  when  she  first  went  to  2^ass. 
And  then  when  I  thought  how  all  the  good  advice  I 
had  given  Victory  hadn't  done  her  no  good,  and  how 
Mr.  Greely  had  died,  before  the  seeds  I  sowed  in  his 


1  RELY  ON  JOSIAH. 

bosom  on  the  great  question  of  Wimmen's  Bights  had 
sprouted  and  brought  forth  fruit,  when  I  see  my 
tower  had  been  in  vain,  say  nothin'  of  the  money  it 
cost,  oh!  how  holler  the  world  looked  to  me,  it 
almost  seemed  as  if  it  would  break  in  and  let  me 
through,  rockin'  chair  and  all. 

As  I  sot  there  a  mewsin'  over  it,  and  a  cuttin' 
my  rags,  I  almost  made  up  my  mind  that  I  would 
have  the  dark  stripe  in  my  carpet  black  as  a 
coal,  the  whole  on  it,  a  sort  of  mournin'  stripe.  But 
better  feelin's  got  up  inside  of  my  mind,  and  1  felt 
that  I  would  put  in  my  but'nut  color  rather  than 
waste  it. 

Yet  oh  how  holler  and  onstiddy  everything  looked 
to  me ;  who  could  I  trust,  whose  apron  string  could  I 
cling  to.  without  expectin'  it  would  break  off  short 
with  me  ?  For  pretty  nigh  2  minutes  and  a  half.  I 
had  the  horrors  almost  as  bad  as  Simon  Slimpsey,  (lie 
has  'em  now  every  day  stiddy,  Betsey  is  so  hard  on 
him),  but  oh  how  sweetly  in  that  solemn  time 
there  came  to  me  the  thought  of  Josiah.  Yes,  on 
that  worrysome  time  I  can  truly  say  that  Josiah 
Allen  was  my  theme,  and  I  thought  to  myself,  there 
may  be  handsomer  men  than  he  is,  and  men  that 
weigh  more  by  the  steelyards,  but  there  hain't  one  to 
be  found  that  has  heftier  morals,  or  more  well  sea 
soned  principles  than  he  has.  Yes,  Josiah  Allen  was 


A  ATTACK  OF  THE  HORRORS.         425 

my  theme,  I  felt  that  I  could  trust  my  Josiah.  I 
guess  I  had  got  inewsin'  agiii  on  jails  and  wickedness, 
and  so  4th,  for  all  of  a  sudden  the  thought  knocked 
aginst  my  heart, 

"  What  if  Josiah  Allen  shoiild  go  to  cuttin'  up,  and 
behavin'?" 

I  wouldn't  let  the  thought  in,  I  ordered  it  out.  But 
it  kep'  a  hangin'  round, — 

"  What  if  your  Josiah  should  go  to  cuttin'  up  ?" 

I  argued  with  it ;  says  J  to  myself,  I  guess  I  know 
Josiah  Allen,  a  likelier  man  never  trod  shoe  leather. 
I  know  him  like  a  book. 

But  then  think'es  I — what  strange  critters  men  and 
wimmin  be.  Now  you  may  live  with  one  for  years,  and 
think  you  know  every  crook  and  turn  in  that  critter's 
mind,  jest  like  a  book ;  when  lo !  and  behold !  all  of  a 
sudden  a  leaf  will  be  turned  over,  that  had  been  glued 
together  by  some  circumstance  or  other,  and  there  will 
be  read  in'  that  you  never  set  eyes  on  before.  Some 
times  it  is  in  an  unknown  tongue — sometimes  it  is 
good  readin',  and  then  again,  it  is  bad.  Oh  how  gloomy 
and  depressted  I  was.  But  Josiah  Allen's  wife  haint 
one  to  give  up  to  the  horrers  without  a  tussle,  and 
though  inwardly  so  tosted  about,  I  rose  up  and  with  a 
brow  of  calm,  I  sot  my  basket  of  carpet  rags  behind 
the  door,  and  quietly  put  on  the  tea-kettle,  for  it  was 
about  time  for  Josiah  to  come. 


4:26  INSIDE  THE  HOUSE. 

Then  I  looked  round  to  see  if  there  was  anything  I 
could  do  to  make  it  look  more  pleasant  than  it  did  for 
Josiah  Allen  when  he  came  home  cold  and  tired  from 
the  Jonesville  mill.  It  never  was  my  way  to  stand 
stun  still  in  the  middle  of  the  floor  and  smile  at  him 
from  half  to  three-quarters  of  an  hour.  Yet  it  was  al 
ways  my  idee  that  if  a  woman  can't  make  home  the 
pleasantest  spot  in  the  world  for  her  husband,  she 
needn't  complain  if  he  won't  stay  there  any  more  than 
he  can  help.  I  believe  there  wouldn't  be  so  many  men 
a  meanderin'  off  nights  into  grog  shops,  and  all  sorts 
of  wickedness,  if  they  had  a  bright  home  and  a  cheer 
ful  companion  to  draw  'em  back,  (not  but  what  .men 
have  to  be  corrected  occasionally,  I  have  to  correct  Jo 
siah  every  little  while.)  But  good  land  !  It  is  all  I  can 
do  to  get  Josiah  Allen  and  Thomas  Jefferson  out  of 
the  house  long  enough  to  mop. 

I  looked  round  the  room,  as  I  said,  but  not  a  thing 
did  I  see  that  I  could  alter  for  the  better ;  it  was  slick 
as  a  pin.  The  painted  floor  was  a  shinin'  like  yaller 
glass,  (I  had  mopped  jest  before  dinner.)  The  braid 
ed  mats,  mostly  red  and  green,  was  a  layin'  smooth 
and  clean  in  front  of  the  looking-glass,  and  before  the 
stove,  and  table.  Two  or  three  pictures,  that  Thomas 
Jefferson  had  framed,  hung  up  aginst  the  wall,  which 
was  papered  with  a  light  colored  buff  ground  work 
with  a  red  rose  on  it.  The  lounge  and  two  or  three 


ONCE  MORE  I  ACT  ON  PRINCIPLE.  427 

rockin*  chairs  was  cushioned  with  handsome  copper 
plate.  And  Tirzah  Ann  had  got  a  hangin'  basket  of 
ivy  on  the  west  winder  that  made  that  winder  look  like 
summer.  I'll  bet  her  canary  hangin'  there  in  the  thick 
est  of  the  green  leaves,  thought  it  was  summer,  he  sang 
like  it.  The  stove  hearth  shone  like  a  silver  dollar, 
and  there  was  a  bright  fire,  and  in  a  minute  the  tea 
kettle  began  to  sing  most  as  loud  as  "Whitey,  that  is 
her  canary's  name.  (I  mistrust  she  named  it  in  that 
kinder  underhanded  way,  after  Whitfield  Minkley— 
though  I  never  let  her  know  I  mistrusted  it,  but  I 
never  could  think  of  any  other  earthly  reason  why  she 
should  call  it  Whitey,  for  it  is  as  yaller  as  any  goslin' 
I  ever  laid  eyes  on. ) 

I  felt  that  I  couldn't  alter  a  thing  round  the  house 
for  the  better.  But  as  I  happened  to  glance  up  into 
the  lookin'-glass,  I  see  that  although  I  looked  well,  my 
hair  was  slick  and  I  had  on  a  clean  gingham  dress,  my 
brown  and  black  plaid,  still  I  felt  that  if  I  should  pin 
on  one  of  Tirzah  Ann's  bows  that  lay  on  the  little  shelf 
under  the  lookin'-glass  I  might  look  more  cheerful  and 
pleasant  in  the  eyes  of  my  companion  Josiah.  I  haint 
made  a  practice  of  wearin'  bows  sense  I  jined  the  meet- 
in'-house.  And  then  agin  I  felt  that  I  was  too  old  to 
wear  'em.  Not  that  I  felt  bad  about  growin'  old.  If 
it  was  best  for  us  to'  have  summer  all  the  year  round, 
I  know  we  should  have  it.  As  I  have  said  to  Josiah 


428         SETTIN'  THE  SUPPER  TABLE. 

Allen  more'n  once  when  he  got  kinder  doun  hearted, 
says  I,  Josiah  Allen  look  up  where  the  stars  are  shin- 
in'  and  tell  me  if  you  think  that  with  all  them  count 
less  worlds,  with  all  that  wealth  in  His  hands,  and  His 
lovin'  heart,  the  Lord  begruches  anything  that  is  for 
His  children's  good.  ISTo !  I  am  willin'  to  take  God's 
year  as  it  comes,  summer  and  winter. 

And  then  do  you  s'pose  I  would  if  I  could  by  turn 
ing  my  hand  over,  go  back  into  my  youth  agin,  and 
leave  Josiah  part  way  down  hill  alone  ?  No !  the  sun 
shine  and  the  mornin'  are  on  the  other  side  of  the  hill, 
and  we  are  goin'  down  into  the  sh adders,  my  pardner 
Josiah  and  me.  But  we  will  go  like  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Joseph  John,  that  Tirzah  Ann  sings  about — 

"Hand  in  hand  we'll  go 
And  we'll  sleep  together  at  the  foot." 

knowing  that  beyond  them  shadders  is  the  sunshine  of 
God's  Great  Mornin'. 

As  I  said,  I  dont  make  a  practice  of  wearin'  bows, 
and  this  bein'  fire  red,  I  should  have  felt  a  awful  back- 
slidin'  feelin'  about  wearin'  it,  if  I  hadn't  felt  that  prin 
ciple  was  upholdin'  me. 

Then  I  drawed  out  the  table,  and  put  on  a  clean 
white  table-cloth,  and  begun  to  set  it.  I  had  some 
good  bread  and  butter,  I  had  baked  that  day,  and  my 
bread  was  white  as  snow,  and  light  as  day,  some  can 
ned  peaches,  and  some  thin  slices  of  ham  as  pink  as  a 
rose,  and  a  strawberry  pie, — one  of  my  cans  had  bust 


JOSIAH  RETURNS  DEPRESTED.  429 

that  day,  and  I  made  'em  up  into  pics.  And  then  I 
brought  up  some  of  my  very  best  cake,  such  as  I  keep 
for  company — fruit  cake,  and  delicate  cake.  And  then 
after  I  had  put  on  a  great  piece  of  white  honey  in  a 
glass  dish,  and  some  cheese  that  was  like  cream  for 
richness,  the  table  looked  well. 

I  had  got  the  table  all  set,  and  had  jest  opened  the 
door  to  see  if  he  was  a  comin',  when  lo  !  and  behold ! 
there  he  stood  on  the  door-step — he  had  come  and  put 
his  horses  out  before  I  see  him.  He  looked  awful  de- 
pressted,  and  before  he  got  the  snow  half  offen  his 
boots,  says  he : 

"  That  new  whip  I  bought  the  other  day  is  gone  Sa- 
mantha.  Some  feller  stole  it  while  I  was  gettin'  my 
grist  ground." 

Says  I,  "  Josiah  I  have  been  a  mewsin'  on  the  on- 
stiddiness,  and  wickedness  of  the  world  all  day,  and 
now  that  whip  is  gone.  What  is  the  world  a  comin'  to, 
Josiah  Allen?" 

Josiah  is  a  man  that  don't  say  much,  but  things  weai 
on  him.  His  face  looked  several  inches  longer  than  it 
usially  did,  and  he  answered  in  a  awful  depressted 

tone : 

« I  don't  know,  Samantha,  but  I  do  know,  that  I  am 

as  hungry  as  a  bear." 

"Wall,"  says  I,  soothingly,  "I  thought  you  would 
be,  supper's  all  on  the  table." 


430  NO  PLACE  LIKE  HOME. 

He  stepped  in,  and  the  very  minute  that  man  ketch- 
ed  sight  of  that  cheerful  room,  and  that  supper  table, 
that  man  smiled.  And  it  wasn't  a  sickly,  deathly  smile 
either,  it  was  a  smile  of  deep  inward  joy  and  content 
ment.  And  says  he  in  a  sweet  tone,  "  it  seems  to  me 
you  have  got  a  awful  good  supper  to-night,  Semantha." 

As  I  see  that  smile,  and  looked  into  that  honest 
beamin'  face,  I  jest  turned  out  them  gloomy  forebo- 
din's  about  him,  out  of  my  heart,  the  whole  caboodle 
of  'em,  and  shet  the  door  in  their  faces.  But  I  con 
trolled  my  voice,  till  it  sounded  like  a  perfect  stranger 
to  me,  and  says  I : 

"  Don't  I  always  get  good  suppers,  Josiah  Allen  ?" 

"Yes,"  says  he,  "  and  good  dinners  and  breakfess'es, 
too.  I  will  say  this  for  you,  Samantha,  there  haint  a 
better  cook  in  Jonesville,  than  you  be,  nor  a  woman 
that  makes  a  pleasanter  home."  And  he  went  on  pla 
cidly,  as  he  stood  there  with  his  back  to  the  fire  a 
warmin'  him,  a  lookin'  serenely  round  that  bright 
warm  room,  and  ont'  that  supper  table. 

"  There  haint  no  place  quite  so  good  as  home,  is 
there,  Samantha  ?  haint  supper  about  ready  ?" 

Says  I,  firmly,  "  The  Cause  of  Eight,  and  the  Good 
of  the  Human  Kace  will  ever  be  dear  to  the  soul  of 
her  who  who  was  formally  Samantha  Smith.  But  at 
the  same  time  that  don't  hender  me  from  thinkin'  a 
sight  of  my  home,  and  from  gettin'  good  suppers.  It 


ANOTHER  BURST  OF  ELOQUENCE.       431 

will  be  ready,  Josiah,  jest  as  quick  as  the  tea  is  steep 
ed,  I  didn't  want  to  make  it  till  you  come,  for  bilein' 
jest  spiles  that  last  tea  you  got,"  and  I  went  on  in 
tones  as  firm  as  Plymouth  Rock,  yet  as  tender  as  a 
spring  chicken. 

"  As  I  have  said  more'n  a  hundred  times,  if  it  is 
spelt  right  there  haint  another  such  a  word  as  home 
in  the  English  language.  The  French  can't  spell  it 
at  all,  and  in  my  opinion  that  is  jest  what  makes  'em 
so  light  minded  and  onstiddy.  If  it  is  spelt  wrong, 
as  in  the  case  of  Bobbet  and  Slimpsey,  it  means  the 
horrors,  and  the  very  worst  kinds  of  discomfort  and 
misery.  In  fact  love  is  the  only  school-master,  that 
can  put  out  that  word  worth  a  cent.  And  if  it  is  put 
out  by  him,  and  spelt,  for  instance,  by  a  couple  who 
have  loved  each  other  for  goin'  on  fifteen  years,  with 
a  firm  and  almost  cast  iron  affection,  why  it  stands  for 
peace  and  rest  and  comfort,  and  is  the  plainest  picture 
God  has  give  us  below,  kinder  as  we  put  painted  pic 
tures  in  children's  story  books,  of  that  great  Home 
above,  where  the  colors  won't  never  rub  off  of  the  pic 
ture,  and  the  peace  and  the  rest  are  everlasting." 

I  had  been  real  eloquent,  I  knew  it,  and  Josiah 
knew  it,  for  that  man  looked  awful  kinder  earnest  and 
serene  like.  He  was  silent  for  mebby  half  or  three 
quarters  of  a  minute,  and  then  he  said  in  calm,  gentle 
tones : 


432  A  HAPPY  SUPPER. 

"I  guess  I'll  carry  the  grist  up  stairs  before  supper, 
Samantha,  and  have  it  done  with." 

There  haint  a  lazy  hair  in  that  man's  head,  and  for 
that  matter  there  haint  many  of  any  kind,  either  smart 
or  shiftless,  he  grows  bald  every  day,  not  that  I  blame 
him  for  it. 

He  came  down  stairs,  and  we  sot  down  to  the  table, 
happy  as  a  king  and  queen,  for  all  the  old  world  was 
a  caperin'  and  cuttin'  up  as  if  it  would  go  crazy.  The 
little  blackslidin'  feefin'  about  wearin'  that  fire  red  bow 
died  away  too,  as  ever  and  anon,  and  I  don't  know  but 
oftener,  I  would  look  up  and  ketch  the  eye  of  my  com 
panion  Josiah  bent  on  me  in  a  pleasant  and  sort  of  a 
admirin'  way.  That  bow  was  becomin'  to  me  I  knew. 
For  as  Josiah  passed  me  his  cup  for  his  second  cup  of 
tea,  (  no  dish  watery  stuff,  I  can  tell  you  )  he  says  :  * 

"  I  don't  see  what  makes  you  look  so  young  and 
handsome,  to-night,  Samantha,  I  believe  I  shall  have 
to  go  to  courtin'  you  over  agin." 

And  I  answered  him  in  the  same  aggreable  accents, 
"  I  don't  know  as  the  law  could  touch  you  /or  it  Josiah 
if  you  did." 

*  See  Frontispiece. 

TBS   END. 


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0  1979 

INTFRI1RRARY 

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NHV      Q  ',Q 

Q 

—  ilMJW  OF  PAI  IP 

nrDif 

u  ro  i  V.  ur  UMLir., 

'0  In  fnrfriih 

DLIv'v. 

in;  |  r^-j 

DFP    n  -n 

LTcG     TIB 

83 

j»EC.  CIR-  UtU 

OCT07 

991 

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